Hi all,

first i want to say "sorry" for my english since it is not my native language

I want to wirte about me and my feelings, because i want some advise and support in finding my self and just to talk to the world outside my head:

I never thought so much about myself like i do the last weeks. This process start when i finally discover that i am a fetichist and addicted to PMO(sometime hours a day). This problem starts 4 years ago, when i drive back my online game time for my studies(and i was pressured for playing to much). Depressions starts and i know now that i play the most time to eliminate my inner conflicts. (i finally accept that i have to change something).

In this years i know that something was wrong but take everything to "must be normal, dont cry you ->-bleeped-<-ing looser and start working". So it was a cicle of depression and displacement. And i dont work because my motivation faded.

The way how this raise in my head:

a few weeks ago....i stop my PMO addiction because i want to cure myself from a fetish to find finally a girlfriend and end my virginity...and finally i reach one big goal: i dream about having sex as a man and wake up and .....feel a desire so deep and hard that i want to be just a woman. no sexual thoughts on this, the days are ruled only by this concern. i dont even play any games, i do nothing else... i wake up and go through the internet, esoteric and all this ->-bleeped-<-, thinking and thinking....hrt, srs, transition...never i say to myself i am no trans...this "wish" was no new one in my life

i inform myself about transsexualism and now i know that is not the thing i thought before, the goal is to life as a woman and not to have sex as woman or something... i thought about my past, what bring me to this day, what happen to me and than 3 days ago while informing more and more on transexualism (read many articles and forum threads (24/7), watching pics and videos ) i came out to my self: You are transgender mate and should really thought about transition. at this moment i feel a feeling that was great. i cant remeber that i ever feel such a nice and releasing feeling in my life before....

ok from here on i could go to a therapist and start my tests for my future but first: i say to myself: wait 3 month(btw finish your thesis and lost weight to confirm your will) that you can be sure that this is no phase of your process of self-discovery(i have a desire this is sure, just the real transsexual part...)

.....but after day one fear rises. if i could i would run away and hide forever

The Coming out still fears me, i want to know about people how they work with bad expereiences on this? im going on a nonstop route. i am accepted in my current form. complete. no one could imagine that im sitting on my chair and writing about the idea to leave the accepted society for good. i will be out, maybe break with my family and few friends. i think that after i come out it will always a unpleasant and strange feeling to meet and be with them, even if they accept. how du you feel about this?


I am a transwoman? My heart says yes, My brain say "what are you doing, idiot?"


I am thankful if you just read this text...


Greetings

Edits:  Remove much pointless crap. I was just to tired and churning the days

seriously , I think you can find some organization with your thoughts and gain some insight by seeing a therapist. Therapy can help put things in perspective. especially when you've never talked to anyone else about these kind of issues. a lot of people don't like therapy , but I for one have been helped quite a bit by it.

Quote from: Ishtar on March 22, 2014, 09:01:35 PM
I never thought so much about myself like i do the last weeks. This process start when i finally discover that i am a fetichist and addicted to PMO(sometime hours a day). This problem starts 4 years ago, when i drive back my online game time for my studies(and i was pressured for playing to much). Depressions starts and i know now that i play the most time to eliminate my inner conflicts. (i finally accept that i have to change something).

In this years i know that something was wrong but take everything to "must be normal, dont cry you ->-bleeped-<-ing looser and start working". So it was a cicle of depression and displacement. And i dont work because my motivation faded.

thankyou for your reply. This day was again full of thoughts and i figure the most out. I will visit a therapist for sure. This decision is too important and crucial, a mistake....

I quoute myself, because i write about fading motivation but this is not true. i was never really motivated to do anything. i just do it because i was expected that i do this. i had no real goals in my life. This thing changed and i feel a need to finish finally my thesis now

Off-Topic: The Anti-Spam-Ware Question: violets are...? is quite hard

A big warm welcome to the family Ishtar! This is a tremendous place full of good information and caring, non judgmental people. I hope you enjoy your time with us and learn a lot as well as find out you are by no means alone in your situation. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like that a LOT), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and make you feel right at home!