This is in part a rant, in part asking for advice, and in part giving advice
So I finally had another therapy appointment today- I'm doing family therapy with my dad, mom, and step-dad, not just individual therapy (She sits with my parents for the first half of the session, and me in the second half). I know for sure what I want, and the biggest incentive I had to go to therapy again was to help my family, not me. My previous appointment was several weeks ago, if not a couple of months ago, and I think we left that one with confusion about what our plan was. I'm not an assertive person and I struggle to have hard conversations. In therapy I tried to say that I want to be called Dean and male pronouns at home, but what my parents heard was that if I didn't correct them, I didn't care. My dad told me he wouldn't call me Dean or use male pronouns until I talked to my sister (which is a perfectly legitimate request, in my opinion). However, my sister has anxiety issues and so during school weeks she is not responsive enough to me to sit down and have a serious conversation and have her actually listen to what I'm saying. So my Dad never really started calling me Dean.
My mom and step-dad on the other hand were much more confused about what I wanted. Over the summer I met another transguy and somehow they decided that I only wanted to transition because of him, despite having brought it up long before I met him. (I think my dad felt this way too, at least a little). They never called me Dean and I think they assumed that since I never asked them to again, then I wasn't serious. I thought they were just trying to find answers to questions about what transition entailed, but really they were waiting for me to do something.
I on the other hand took away from that appointment that they were going to be asking me questions about how I felt. I thought they would be coming to me. Whereas they thought I had to prove myself to them by initiating these conversations.
So today, I had to hear the hard truth that the past couple of months have had no progress, if not been steps backwards. I was under the assumption (based on conversations right after the previous appointment) that my parents were somewhat accepting, but just uneducated, which was wrong. My therapist asked me some questions and she made sure that I was serious about what I wanted. She asked the questions that let me be clear in what I wanted and how long I wanted it, and she told me that I can't wait for my parents to initiate anything. She made it clear to me that no matter what she tried to say to them, I am the one who needs to take FULL incentive to prove myself. She said it's not fair that I have to be SO straightforward and clear, SO demanding, that I have to deal with the full force of their ignorance and assumptions, but I do. They will not come around until I prove to them that this is long-thought-about and that I know the FULL consequences of what I'm doing. I cannot be unsure about things when I talk to them, which is very difficult when they ask about things like the long-term risks of hormones. I have to be very certain and deliberate with what I say and I cannot hesitate too long or sound unsure. This is really hard for me, as I'm a very passive, non-assertive person, but I HAVE to be assertive if I want them to believe me.
The implications behind this were also basically that I won't be starting T close to when I wanted. Originally (back several months ago at my first session), we were thinking about three weeks from now. That's definitely not going to happen now. I may not even get to start before my birthday (early August), which I was really hoping for. There's no endos near my college (the closest who treat transmen are 3-4 hours drive away) so I need to start this summer. But I have to battle to prove to my parents that I know what I'm doing and I know I want T, and who knows how long that will take.
The one good thing that happened was that my therapist told me that we're trying the best we can to make sure my family supports whatever I choose. But she also reassured me that, while it's nice, I don't NEED their support if I am of age. She did give me the informed consent documents to look over so that I had the information. It is comforting to know that I have those.
So basically at the end of the session we highlighted our 'game plan' so to speak. I want them to use male pronouns and Dean anytime except around school people since I'm not out there, keeping in mind that this cannot feasibly happen until I have a discussion with my sister. We outlined that we need to find a time when she isn't anxious or stressed, and I need to have someone there with me to make sure she behaves and doesn't start ignoring what I'm saying or arguing with me. Once that conversation happens, I expect them to call me Dean and use male pronouns. And then after that, it's all up to me to prove to them that I know what I'm doing before our next appointment. Who knows when that appointment will be, because I had to nag my mom to schedule this one for several weeks, but I should try to assure them that I'm confident in my decision by then.
So basically
The rant is that I screwed this up myself. I did something wrong to make them think I wasn't serious and now, since I couldn't bring myself to start that conversation with my sister, I'm off of my ideal timeline. I feel like it's my fault that I won't be starting T when I want to and originally planned.
The asking for advice is, what advice do you have for talking to my sister? How did you deal with people who had a tendency to be unresponsive or distant if you tried to have a serious conversation? And also, what are some tips for being more assertive about my feelings, thoughts, and wants? What are some ways for me to be assertive enough to show them that I'm serious about this?
And the advice I'm trying to give is for young people, when you come out to your parents, be very clear straight from the beginning that you have thought about this for a long time already, it's not a sudden decision. Make sure they know that you aren't telling them you want to transition on a whim. Be clear and straightforward right from the start.
Edited for personal information.