Is there any of us staying with your wife while on the process of MTF transitioning? How many of us are successfully accepted by her?

I came out to my wife 5-6 months ago. She did not say if she accepts me or not but she seems to have some hope that I will become 'normal' to her soon. I decided to start HRT secretly 3 months ago.  She continue to ignore my desire to become a woman, asking me to cut my hair, to gain more muscle, and to do manly things. She has never asked me about how to make me happy with her and as a transgender.

So I keep waiting for a right time to tell her about my HRT.

Last night, we had a conversation about one of our teenage cousin. I told her I see him having confusion to be a gay or a transgender. I said he (18 year old) is now under self denial period. My wife suddenly said "stop saying that, there is no 3rd gender. Man is always a man, Girl is always a girl. You have just gone crazy because you recently have too much time with yourself."

I was stunned and her statement. It confirmed my thought earlier that she would never understand me. The only way out to make me happy with transition is to leave her without saying anything. I repeatedly told her that I stayed with my thought for my whole life. "You (my wife) think the thought just happen to me and will go away from me because I just told you recently."

So everybody in married transgender community are saying about coming out and the process to be accepted. I would like to know: "How many of us have been successfully living the transgender life with your wife and be well accepted?"

Thank you for your response.

I was one of the lucky ones, but I've heard the odds of a marriage surviving is about 9 to 1 against.

So sorry your wife isn't more understanding.   The thing is that you essentially have a woman's brain, and the only thing you can do to "cure" the problem is to take HRT.  Nothing else is nearly as effective.  Belive me, I tried everything else and transitioning was a much better option than dying young.  Your wife needs some facts, and maybe she will begin to see things your way.

9 to 1? God, that's depressing...

I am 60yrs old and have been married for 34 years.  I came out to my wife around 2003 or so, can't really recall.  She attended my last therapy session, following the Harry Benjamin requirements my therapist followed.  She explained on the way home that we "ganged up" on her.  She was totally negative about it.  We eventually separated, though we are back together now.  I am back into transition and she doesn't know.  I'm on hrt.  Essentially, I know that she will not accept my transition, so I've decided to go on with it without her consent or knowledge.  In time she will notice the changes and I'll just have to deal with that when it happens.  For some of us, our wives simply will not accept who and what we are.  I personally feel that I am much at fault for having brought my wife into a marriage knowing that I'm really a woman.  I forced myself to be male and my marriage, though I was in love with her, was another means to force my manhood.  I pray that I will finally transition and be myself, but I do believe that my wife will leave me as a result.  I do hope that your wife will eventually accept you.

Back in the day when I transitioned you had to be either unmarried or divorced to be able to qualify for GRS in Britain. So there was no choice, it wouldn't have worked anyway. I have since recognised that for me and my ex it was the best thing. We had two young children and, from a distance, I supported them financially through schools and universities until they got old enough to start work. My ex met a very nice man while the children were still young, and when the children were aged 10 and 12 they brought them to my house to meet me for the first time. The children had not seen me for 6 years. It went better than I could have expected.

Since then we have had a great releationship. I am amazed how they have just accepted me. I think the 6-year break helped. My ex eventually married her man who was perfect for the situation he found himself in, he was very courteous to me. They have a big house and I stayed overnight there often during visits. My children now have children of their own and I see them all often. My grandchildren, who are aged between 5 and 8 have not been told about me yet. My ex treats me as a woman and uses all the correct pronouns without hesitation. Very few people know of my secret past and that's the way I want to keep it. My husband's family know nothing of my past. Even my husband didn't know for the first six months of us living together... until I told him. Once the dust had settled we carried on with our lives together and got married once it was legal to do so.

All I am saying is, not everyone can manage to stay together with their wife, but given time things can work out. If you have a wife, just give her time and space to accept you. It can be a tough gig for any woman. OK, so you might have to split up, but it doesn't mean you are destined to never see each other again and be friends - even love each other, but in a different way.

We have to be understanding. For any wife it must be devastating to have a husband who drops this bombshell, especially when children are involved, but it doesn't mean it all has to turn to crap. I am so proud of my children. They have grown up to be hard working and honest and are not judgemental of others. I am also very proud of my ex.

Hi Jemina
the same with me as I wrote.
I still don't take the HRT (started secretly and stopped). we have twice a week a meeting with couple counsel who told me that I should be patient and give her the time to see if she can accept compromises.

I think a 3rd party and not only you should talk to your wife. have you tried that before?

Unpleasant truth time: Either she'll become educated or your partnership is doomed. I can't imagine you being satisfied with someone who doesn't accept your identity.

There is hope yet. People do become educated.

But if I were you, I would also make arrangements for the fact that this marriage might be time-limited. It's a really hard, painful truth to face, but please protect yourself.

Good luck and Hugs.

Agree with it or not, many wives consider this a major threat to their security (marriage).  You dropped something major on her "out of the blue".  I know it wasn't out of the blue to you, you've known about it for years and have had all this time to understand what is going on, but to your wife this is something unexpected, new and scary.

Some marriages survive, others do not.  All I can suggest is that you try to keep the lines of communications open, talk, talk and talk some more.

My wife has rather rigid views on the subject. I think she would accept any body changes which could be classified as medically necessary or which she could be convinced were natural. Beyond that it would be difficult for her to accept me presenting myself in female mode. I whish it was possible to change that.

My wife says she can handle anything except breasts and bottom surgery. 

My hope is that over the next few years as I transition she will gradually come to accept my body as it changes. It's a small hope, though. My guess is that we'll stay married, but live as sisters or best friends.

I fought the girl in me for decades, refusing to admit to myself what I am. When I did come out to my wife over a year ago, she was predictably devastated. She felt betrayed, maybe she still does. I started HRT last fall, she recognized that my mental world improved, but (I'm sure we have all heard this one) she said "I am not a lesbian, I married a man." Thus, while we remain a couple, sort of, we no longer share a bed, physical intimacy, not even a hug. She has her own therapist to help her get through this, and although she accepts me as transgender, she still does not fully accept me as her mate. I am not willing to let go. She is aware of this, I gave her a lovely Valentine's Day card with my own text therein inscribed and she did display it prominently. We still present publicly as a couple, me in boy mode. I hope she can get past this and come to be my mate again, but I suspect that we may not regain the closeness we once shared. For the time being, I'll take what I can get, but I must admit I do find it painful to see her, in a social situation, embracing people; that's more than I get.

This is a tough situation that all married trans* people have to face. Unfortunately the odds are not in your favor for your marriage surviving your transition. Go into this with your eyes wide open to what the possibilities are, and by all means communicate with your wife and be sensitive to her needs and moods, but also have a plan in place to survive (food, shelter, job, transportation, etc) in case she leaves.

I was very lucky; my wife and I are still together, and even more happily married now than before. I have to say, though, if I'd started HRT without telling her, that might've ended it - for *her* one of the things that made it possible to stay was that I kept her informed and warned her about any upcoming changes and let her have time to adjust. We had some rough patches, but neither of us ever seriously considered separation, and I'll be grateful for the rest of my life that she stuck with me.

She wasn't "closed-minded," though, just scared of change.  It's different with someone who's not willing/understanding to begin with.

(I don't know about the odds, either. We've both looked for official studies on that and found nothing. Personally, about 80% of the couples I know made it work, and one or two of the divorces might have been coming trans issues or not, but I'm aware that this is not necessarily reflective of the larger community.)

Quote from: Tegan on March 25, 2014, 01:32:42 AM
9 to 1? God, that's depressing...

I would actually think 9 to 1 is a bit optimistic to be honest, that is if you are talking about a marriage being able to be continued in a romantic capacity.

If the think is just acceptance, as in she calls you by the proper pronouns and such but there is no romantic relationship, then that seems to be much more common.

I have to echo Suzi's sentiments and say that make preparations to secure a safe way out just in case. While my wife really didn't seem to care so much that I was trans, I made sure to make arrangements in case things went south, and I am very glad I did because 2 years after we did indeed split, not over being trans, but living vastly different and mostly separate lives. I would probably be on the street now if I hadn't taken steps back them to ensure that I would be fine without her.

I am still negotiating the waters during my transition. I would give even money we are together 5 years in the future. I disclose to her and try to get her help but she does not e=want help and thrown road blocks.

HRT and non disclosure will be an issue.

I am on HRT but not presenting as female much. My wife of 27 years is accepting. For now. I say for now because I accept her right to change her mind.  She has so far accepted changes so this seems fair. One reason I believe she is accepting is that she has,seen my struggle over the years and understands transitioning as the solution. Much of my struggle has just been mine but I have disclosed all steps in the process over the past 2 years to her.  Of course she would rather this wasn't happening but it just is.

My kids (17 & 18) are mixed. Daughter is accepting while son understands intellectually but emotionally is seeking a bit of distance. I will also accept a change in view from both of them should that happen.

Will my marriage last? As promusing as things look, I still think the odds are well against us and this is with full disclosure and apparent acceptance.  I would rather we parted as friends than stayed together disliking each other.

Just my take on things!

My partner tried to make it work for awhile after I came out and began transition. They were very supportive, and helped me get to therapy appointments and on hormones, but ultimately was not attracted to my true gender. We're still friends, but I agree. Marriages seem to become this comfortable constant, and when that image changes, it often does not hold together very long. That said, I'm a lot happier being myself, than forced into the closet trying to make my marriage work.

I look at it like chapters in a book. The chapter I spent with them was a nice, comfortable time in my life, and I will always have that in my heart's memory. I'm just on a new chapter now. My book is long and changing, and all the pieces are what make me.

Thanks to all for sharing your story. I think all has passed or being facing difficult times. Being married is not healthy to transition as a matter of fact. We feel guilty to break the heart of our loved ones.

Last night, she told me that my posture now become more girly with the crossed legs and smaller shoulder. She started to notice my feminity. My acts are just coming out unintentionally.

Last night and today, my wife and I had a long discussion about our future. She suddenly came up openly with the idea of divorcing! Saying if I am not happy being a man, no point that we stay together. She married a man and if I change to feel like a woman she Can not stay the same.

I had a mixed feeling. 1st, I felt relief because she was the one to say the word and will let me go. But the 2nd thought, I felt scared and uncertain about me without her and my daughter. I cried out as much as she did.

The conversation ended up with she asking me to try another time to be a man. I knew there is Noway. But because of love and fear to loose her too soon (she insisted that if divorce it must be now), I said okay I will try to be a man.

I don't know. But I feel regret that I betray myself. But I did not want to lose them too soon.

I only came out about two months ago to my SO. It was a very rocky time and she is certain that I am "only" metrosexual with crossdressing fantasies. She is trying to convince me that my life would be so much better as a man and has been extremely affectionate and too physical. It's not working. I was able to put trans out of my mind only briefly and am now feeling very sheepish that I have sort of put myself back in the closet. I am just today going to be starting therapy and the primary order of business will be to figure out what I really am and what I want to be once everything is said and done.

Good luck though on trying to be a man though. It's a tough role and hard to maintain without losing yourself in the process. Don't let it bother you though if you cant maintain it in good conscience. If its just an act, eventually you will tire of it.