I've endured a fair bit of abuse as a child. From bullies to teachers and even some police officers. I grew up knowing I was a girl but I knew everyone expected me to be like a boy. I played with the girls and thought boys were gross. As I got a bit older I still thought I was a girl but my mom wanted a boy so she did some kind of surgery on me as a baby (I held onto this for a while and after a while I "Knew" I was a boy and just started to think my "desire" to be a girl would go away). During this time it was beaten into me to behave like a boy and be a man. No one seemed all that bothered by my repeated suicide attempts. I ended up getting very close to this boy who went to a different school. Somewhere along the lines we became more than friends. We trusted each other completely and he meant the world to me. He made me happy and I stopped being depressed and suicidal. He hit puberty about 2 years before me and we were talking about having sex when I was forced to move. My mom moved about every 2-3 months after the first move and would often go back to where I grew up and I would get to spend some time with him. We went back to friends but we were still very close. I would get mad at my mom every time we had to move away from there so she forbid me from seeing him. She did some stuff that made it so that if I went to see him there was a chance that my friends dad could be arrested. I pushed him away and pushed everyone who got even remotely near me away. The last time I saw him was after I tried to kill myself and was wondering around looking for a way to try again. I ran into him by chance and we talked for a few hours. I told him about how I tried to kill myself and his response to it has prevented me from trying again for almost 6 years. I maintained some contact with him over the years and when I moved out at 18 I tried to get my life in order.

I'm wore out from the severe depression and started my transition when I was about ready to kill myself. I tried to get some friends before I transitioned because I knew if I did it now I'd be extremely fragile but that didn't work. No one seemed to want more than a passing conversation with me. So here I am still very early in transition with no money and no emotional support. I know I need someone who can be close to me and someone I can spend time with outside. I don't know how to find someone who can do that so I've been thinking of returning to that town I grew up in because I know that boy I was so close to still lives there. The issue I have is I'm a bit of a mess and I have very strong feelings for him still. I would be happy just being close friends but I do want us to be more than that. If it's for him I can do just about anything. I know I'm a crazy girl in love with a guy I haven't seen in a while. He doesn't know I feel this way but he knows about my transition. He's the only person I've ever been close with and I need him right now.

I don't feel like I'm going to be able to really transition without someone being close with me and supporting me. I tried the local support groups but they only helped a bit. I have no one else to turn to but him. I don't want him to see me when I'm messed up like this but I do want to see him so badly. The choice I'm looking at is to live in a nice city with protections for trans people but be stuck being alone or go to a conservative town with no protections and have at least two people who really care about me. Odds are I'm going to go but I just don't know if I should tell him that I may be interested in being more than friends. I don't know if I should tell him how much of a mess I really am right now or just keep silent and hope it goes away when I see him.

As a bit of a side note my family connections are pretty weak and none of the ones that seemed to want to help live anywhere near me right now.

ToxicFox, hugs. I am sorry you are so alone. We are hear to listen and support you.

I know the desperation and the depth of pain your feel. I was alone but among family; I never shared, I could not. That was until my last attempt. I got help and did an intake which helped put me on track to work out the issues that I could not address in the past. Even with family a person and be alone. After about 6 months when I came out to 7 or so people I disclosed I am trans, Bi and had attempted suicide many times and in the recent past. I honestly believe one person really cared. Only my Boss asks me on occasion, even today, how I fell and how am I doing.

I do knot know the answer to your question but perhaps visiting your friend would be what I would do. I would find out if a relationship could work. I know I would always wonder and would need to find out. Perhaps a call and e-mail to set arrangements would be a good 1st step. If it did not work out then I would go to a city that had tran rights and job prospects.

Has HRT helped you?