Bear with me as I go into some deep stuff here...

I was born female, never really connected with that. I have a feminine side, I guess I play that up to try and convince mostly myself that this is a good way to exist. I've been trying to push my life forward without really looking within to see why I can't take the next step. I'm just now seriously looking at who I am, how I see myself, where I see myself going. Part of me is still in denial and won't let me, because I love my friends and family, I don't to let them down. I don't want to take away my parents' only daughter. I'm really trying to work through this, which is why I'm here.

I seem to be the master of repression. I read how a lot of you have had to deal with depression since you were young and the need to act before it destroyed you. To an extent that's the same for me, but in some ways not, because I've buried a lot and seem to be able to manage. There was a time where I was suicidal and sick of who I am, but I got to the point where I knew it was either death or find a way to manage in the life I have. I guess this is why I feel very disconnected from myself. I try to convince myself that this is fine, that I can live this way, that I can learn to be happy like this. But I'm finding more and more that inside it never really gets better or changes.

I'm sure you all know what this is like- in school, when they'd ask the question: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I'd make up ->-bleeped-<-, because what I'd see, wasn't who I'm suppose to be. I guess it's one thing to make it up and try to believe it, and another to try and make it up and live it.

Alright I think I've had enough self exploration for one post, and I'm sure you're all bored. I'm glad to have a place like this where I can vent and hopefully meet some people who relate.

And, not to forget that this is an introduction: Hi! 

Okay... depression is definitely a large part of my life... unfortunately. It is most likely a large part of many gender-variant peoples' lives, but that doesn't mean that the only way in which to cure the depression is to "cure" the gender variation. You don't feel right as you? Feel down all the time? Try to find a fix for the depression first. You know who you are, right? Don't let anyone else tell you. Depression can cloud the mind and obscure things you would ordinarily know to be true. You don't necessarily have to "take away" your parents' only daughter. You might, instead, attempt to increase their understanding of people without the boundaries of traditional gender stereotypes. The world could come a long way if we'd just quit setting verbatim standards for how things SHOULD work, and started realizing that there are infinite ways in which they CAN work.

Dino

Hello Osiris and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay!

tink

Hi Osiris,

   Welcome to susans!!

   Depression can kill you and repression can give you acid reflux, back pain, jaw pain, hair loss, OCD, anxiety disorder, memory loss, and insomnia, among other fantastic agonies.

   I understand that you are thinking of your parents and others close to you. When you think of them, however, don't forget to think about how they would feel if they lost you entirely.  I'm not suggesting you run up to them right now and blurt it all out, but every now and then, try to picture yourself telling them. Maybe now and then you can feel them out to see what they think about transpeople in general.

   You may also find some relief in finding a therapist or a support group, or even just one person that you can be open with.  The important thing is to not allow yourself to bottle up your feelings to the point where it is damaging to you.

   This is just my opinion.  You have no need to rush into anything.  Now that you come here, you will have access to a lot of information and experiences that will give you the opportunity to think through what you believe will work best for you.


Peace,


Rebis

Thanks guys. It helps to finally get some of this stuff out in the open and to hear different opinions from people who've been there.

Quote from: Rebis on August 17, 2007, 10:44:06 PM
Depression can kill you and repression can give you acid reflux, back pain, jaw pain, hair loss, OCD, anxiety disorder, memory loss, and insomnia, among other fantastic agonies.

I didn't realize how repression has affected me until I noticed that over half of those things relate to me. A therapist or support group may be a good thing to look into. I don't know what I have in my area but I'll start looking.

Thanks again for the welcome.

I wanted to say hello.  Very new here myself, but I am just starting this path (I am on your opposite fence as a genetic male unsure of where I am going), but I am about to see a therapist, and I have battled with some pretty bad depression for my whole life.  So, we may go through some of this at the same time, and I would love to hear about your struggles, successes, etc. (and hopfully I can share mine, too).

Céad mile fáilte Osiris. Welcome to this site.
Please stop apologising for yourself, of course we'll bear with you and no you are not boring but very brave to start sharing and exploring. We all had to develop coping mechanism to deal with our gender identity and these evolve as we grow stronger and clearer. You do not have to copy anyones path, you can learn from others, be inspired by their achievement but at the end of the day you can only do what is right for you at this point of your life. Good luck on your journey of self-discovery and self-realisation.
Go n-éiri do bhóthar leat, go dté tú slán

Hope, Light, Laughter, Love & Respect

Maebh

FirstStep07: I'd love to keep up-to-date with you as we start on this journey. Right now I'm making baby-steps but they're important ones.

Maebh: Thank you. Your post helps me build some more confidence to share and learn from this group.

In other news I got back from a concert. I got the crap kicked out of me but it rocked.