So, I'm basically unable to pass as male, mainly because my body is a 34D-27-35 (My underbust is actually a 30, so should I huse that or bust size?). I've been on HRT for a year and three weeks. The first six months were self-medding (not recommended), but I did what I did to survive and I can't change it. Since being on a transitioning dose, I have still yet been able to establish consisentcy becuase of monetary issues. But I just got a new job a month ago and the pay isn't great but will allow me to buy HRT, get LHR, and save for SRS. I'm also invovled in a lawsuit, so I hope that helps.

My problem is that I have horrid credit and can't get a checking account and even the shadiest check cashing place in Philly, and America, Money Mart, gives me problems. They say look...she can't cash this. But, they do it. Eventually. There's also other times I need to pass as male. I'm on probation and I keep trying to tell my PO but can't. Because of probation, I can't change my name. I should just ask, but I'm pretty sure I'd have to wait. I'm going to ry and end it early as I am on probation for three years for possession of .50 cents worth of Heroin. I'm not kidding. I had a record from when I was younger for retail theft, possession and suspicion of solicitation. I'm intersexed, so I never virilized. My voice needs no work.

Now, this sounds like, OH gawd, look at Joanna's first world problems. She has to choose between two men, she can't pass as male, she's living the transsexual dream. Aww, poor Joanna. I realize this. But it is incredibly awkward for me. Awkward to the point when these things happen, I'm all I should cut my hair and lower my dose. Or detranstion. All things I don't want to do. My main issue is probation. How would you bring it up? Uh, BTW, Jim, I've been taking hormones for a year...no biggie right. Well, it is. It's a technical violation and I could get locked up. Will I? NO. He loves me. And I know he knows because the one time he said something like well you need to pay your fines but the women's prison is full now so you don't have to worry. Just try to pay them when you can.

I've given him all clean urines for a year and a half. Completed my 100 hours of commmunity service in three months. Do everything he says. I'm incredibly nice and he says visiting me is like a joy and a break in his day because he gets to deal with someone who is normal and nice and isn't a criminal. He just thinks of me as someone who made poor choice because of emotional problems. That's what he said. Has anyone been through something similar? Sometimes, I shake and shiver at the thought of going to jail. Like I said, I do not pass as male. I tried today. Wore a hat. Covered my boobs. No makeup except foundation. I need foundation. I didn't get a second look from anyone and everyone addressed me as she. When homeless man selling newspapers said "Sir, er, I mean miss, sorry..." That's as far as I got. I'm by no means pretty (obviously, look at my avi) but it is what it is. But I have paid my dues, so I feel like I can say this because my life has been pretty horrid.

In seventh grade, I tried to join the football team and in addtion to them telling me girls aren't allowed and pointing me to cheerleader tryouts (all in front of my male friends), they couldn't find shoulder pads for me as my shoulders are too narrow. So, in the locker room one time, I changed late and alone, I ws taking off my shirt and three jocks walked passed and saw me with my shirt off with my little perky A cups showing. They stripped me down and pulled down my pants swearing I wasa fraud and really a girl and it was time to stop this madness. Then they saw my, uh, thingy, and started cracking up laughing at the size of it, saying it looks like an overgrown vag. So, yeah it's great I don't pass as male, but please remember I paid a hefty price for this. That it's not all it's cracked up to be. I won't go into the operation at age three.

But,m the above was just so people don't think this is some ->-bleeped-<-r than thou BS. It's not. I have serious problems and I don't know what to do. Mainly my life is awesome. But if I could solve this one problem and tell my PO and change my name, for once, just once, I could relax. Thanks. What a rambling ranty thingy this was lol sorry...

sorry Joanna, I wish I had an answer for you , but I'm not knowledgeable about the law. Maybe you can get help from a free law clinic to point the way out.

Quote from: stephaniec on March 28, 2014, 10:04:40 PM
sorry Joanna, I wish I had an answer for you , but I'm not knowledgeable about the law. Maybe you can get help from a free law clinic to point the way out.

That's a good idea, Steph. I'll look into that. My gender clinic is already suing someone for me, so I can't take up all their time. Plus, they'll be changing my name for me too. After I can get over this hurdle. And they give me free care and all i have to do is get 60 a month for HRT (or 40, is I didn't take P). But I like P.

The idea of waiting another year and a half....GAWD. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

That's quite a wait and I don't envy you. Why would being on HRT, especially if it was being administered professionally, endanger your probation?

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 28, 2014, 11:14:48 PM
Why would being on HRT, especially if it was being administered professionally, endanger your probation?

Yeah, exactly what I was asking myself as well. Does it endangers your probation if - for some reasons - a doctor prescribes you heroine or similar things? I know that some hard stuff is used when somebody as serious injuries.

1. You are pretty.
2. You really do need to get some legal counsel for this.
3. Remember to breathe.  Eighteen months is a long time to hold still, but will pass eventually.

Hugs,
Julie

That's a good idea by Emily to explore.  Also,  your haircut is kinda a girly pixie cut.  Would you ever consider maybe getting a more masculine buzz cut for now, and grow it back out?  That way it's a temporary fix until you're ready to be abandon your male mode. 

Well, it prolly wouldn't endanger my probation or get it revoked and re-sentenced. But, he would get mad and any chance of getting off early would do out the window. You have to tell of all and any meds. I might tell him that I am going to transition and that I'm intersex. That's all true its just I already started...a year ago. I'm not that worried, I just want my name changed and I would need his permission. I don't even know if it's possible right now. Then I have a judgement lodged against me from bank of America and I know judgements can effect your ability to change your name. But, when I get SRS, they'd do it judgement or not. It's just the wait.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on March 30, 2014, 08:47:28 AM
I know this sounds stupid, but... if You need to pass as a guy then how about getting some fake facial hair before those encounters which You can't avoid? That, plus some baggy (really baggy) clothes to conceal the most forward-advanced parts of Yours? I am following Your progress and of course the fact that You are small plays against You, but.. facial hair is pretty much one of the most obvious gender markers (all You need is to dab some mascara on a sponge and then play around Your face - or ask the guys here how they do that?).

I haven't had laser so I can still grow facial hair, kinda. I could never grow much but I've gone out and been gendered female after two days of not shaving. By several people. Weird. But yeah, I could try that. The thing is I get bad dysphoria from not shaving.

Quote from: KatelynRain on March 30, 2014, 09:28:51 AM
That's a good idea by Emily to explore.  Also,  your haircut is kinda a girly pixie cut.  Would you ever consider maybe getting a more masculine buzz cut for now, and grow it back out?  That way it's a temporary fix until you're ready to be abandon your male mode. 

Thanks for the suggestion but...oh gawd NO. I cut my hair trimmed in October and it's finally getting back to the length from then because the stylist chopped a big chunk of my hair out and I basically had to regrow it all because it looked so bad and I have been constantly trimming it. I'm finally at a place where I can go to another, better trans-friendly salon (I found one on Queer Philly) and really get my hair femmed up.

It's just these awkward situations. They suck. I could barley cash a check with ID at the shadiest check cashing place in the USA--Money Mart. They'd cash your grand mom's stolen personal check but I have a male name and they literally looked at my pic, looked at a pic they took of me, and then they had a meeting and finally cashed it. And this place is shady. Like why would I put a male name on a check if it is forged unless they thought i stole my BF's check or some crap.

Basically, I suck lol

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on March 30, 2014, 12:15:16 PM
Then just shave it, dammit and draw some fake on top (more than You would have had without shaving). Then get rid of it afterwards - it would be much more easier, plus it wont give that damn horrid sensation of having stubble on Yo face .

That's a good idea...i'll try to try it.

Hugs Joanna,

I knew a PO for a while and he saw people that committed every crime imaginable. They want you to do everything and not mess up, be on time and make the calls.

I would use the patient portal and pose the question about name change, being on parole and having a judgment. The current case they will get paid if you win or they settle. Besides if the refer you to the legal section of the primary care then call the legal section. That is why they are there. They are really nice there so I think you will do well. Especially if the judgment has the new name and the PO is informed. What would happen if a cis woman got married? They would change the name, same here.

Sorry, you had a really tough time growing up. Kids can be really cruel. The scars last a lifetime, hugs.

I'm gonig to start by saying I'm a former drug addict, so I know what that is like..

But, seriously, you messed up and now you get to pay the price, at least as far as your PO is concerned. I got caught, I paid the price - and I still do..

Quote from: kelly_aus on March 30, 2014, 07:37:10 PM
I'm gonig to start by saying I'm a former drug addict, so I know what that is like..

But, seriously, you messed up and now you get to pay the price, at least as far as your PO is concerned. I got caught, I paid the price - and I still do..

I was caught with $1 worth of heroin in what was basically an empty bag. I didn't throw it out cause I dont like throwing heroing bags around on the street where a kid could pick it up. Also, the reason I was arrested is because earleir that day I was beaten within an inch of my life when two men followed me to where I did drugs at and upon discovering I wasn't a woman (and I wasn't presenting I was just wearing all black male clothes) they got very mad and used a cow taser on me and pistol whipped me multiple times before making me count down to zero with the expectation I would be shot. I thought I was dead. I don't mean it was like I coulda died. I mean i thought I was going to die and they had the gun cocked and I was blindfolded and on my knees. I'm all of 5'5 and 120 lbs so I cant fight back, especially against two men (maybe three; i had a severe concussion for weeks).

When I was sentenced to three years probation, the person next to me got two years probation. A year before he robbed a store at gun point. Two years before my sentencing I helped autistic students get mainstreamed at NJ schools by using my pen as a weapon against a corrupt and inept system. Mainstreaming means that got treated as regular students. So, yeah, I'm a horrible person, who deserves this.

The DA begged the judge to be lenient and he refused. So, yeah, I got what I deserved. Several times. I was sentenced because people don't like intersexed male/females and he certainly didn't like the looks of me. maybe I should have robbed a store instead of helping children. My fault.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 28, 2014, 09:49:17 PM
I'm on probation and I keep trying to tell my PO but can't. Because of probation, I can't change my name. I should just ask, but I'm pretty sure I'd have to wait.

...

I've given him all clean urines for a year and a half. Completed my 100 hours of commmunity service in three months. Do everything he says. I'm incredibly nice and he says visiting me is like a joy and a break in his day because he gets to deal with someone who is normal and nice and isn't a criminal. He just thinks of me as someone who made poor choice because of emotional problems.

I think you've given yourself the best piece of advice here.  Like others here have said, I don't have any background or experience in law, or what your rights are during probation, but I have to imagine the implications of a gender transition would override *some* probation exclusions.  In other words, your probationary status shouldn't disallow steps of your transition.  This would be a great moment to have a letter from a therapist to verify the need to change your identification from male to female.

It sounds like your PO has a positive opinion of  you- how's your relationship?  Maybe coordinating that letter with a recommendation from him is a way to knock this issue out?

absolutely terrible story, but I believe in justice, and I see hope right there. It gets better.

Have you thought about telling him, but hiding the fact that you already started taking hormones? start by saying a little like I am thinking about transitioning, I'm transgender etc. and then see how he reacts, just don't mention you've been taking hormones