Hello Everyone,

    I've been on testosterone for 6 years now. My changes have been amazing. I am very proud of myself for having the courage and humility to become who I am... or as close as I can be. Every one of you should feel the exact same no matter where you are in your journey. I used to visit this forum about 4 years ago. I never posted but I read a lot of things just to see what other guys like me were saying. This place can be very helpful, especially within the first couple years of transitioning.


    The reason I am here is to talk about a recent experience. Now that I can fully live as myself, my focus isn't on my transition. It's on my life: my work, me dreams, my relationships. I've been with a woman for three years. She showed me so much interested and acceptance that the whole relationship came so easily. At least in the beginning. She is 100% heterosexual. She's never been with a woman and only sees me as a man despite of what is between my legs. Unfortunately, she has recently been looking around at other guys. Well, one guy in particular. This guy is lean but ripped, broad shoulders, has lots of money, and can give her children. I could tell there was interest between them even before she admitted it to me. We had a discussion the other night about children. We both don't want children now but we do eventually. When she first met me, the idea of adopting was fine to her. Three years later, things have changed. She said she would like to have children of her own one day. I asked her if we could have someones sperm surgically put into her body and she hated the idea. I asked her if she could be with someone forever who could never give her that but her response was "I don't know." This woman has lived with me for over two years. We aren't in a casual relationship but something much more serious. My point is that I can feel our love fading. I still love her more than anything but I think after three years, she's really questioning if a trans man can give her what she needs, especially as she get's into her 30's soon. I'm really at a loss of what to do or think. I think throughout my transition I've waited for the feeling of being "cheated" by life to disappear but I don't see that happening. I see constant reminders of how I cannot ever fully compete with a biological man and it's draining me. This whole situation is very heartbreaking. If anyone has similar experiences please share.

I get this, I talked to my girl about this too and on both sides we seem to have screwed up parts to make a baby lol we both want one that is ours in a way, but obviously only way to do that is to get donor sperm from a sperm bank, the only thing I can think of is either adopting or sperm bank, Maybe try talking to your girl more about the sperm bank idea and then if she wants one with your genes, you could implant your eggs into her and get sperm, so you each have a kid that is yours and use the same sperm donor, so they would literally be half brother/sister, I talked to my girl a lot about this, it will be expensive and it sucks, but were thinking about the sperm bank thing when were ready, if your girl still wont accept this and wants kids that are hers with a cis male, might have to let her go, there are girls who will be fine with adopting or sperm bank thing, hope this helped at all :/

Edited for language.

I think one thing you have to realize is that not all people can have kids.  I know two friends of mine now who have been trying to have a baby for over a year.  There is a strong possibility that he can't have kids due to low sperm count.  So never feel like you can't compete with a cis man.  We all have our battles to over come regardless of our birth gender.  You will find a way to one day have kids with the person you love.  If this current partner isn't the one then someone will come along who is. 

If you have any cis-male siblings, that's as close as you can get genetically to your own sperm. This must be very rough for you, though. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I thought the others had some useful suggestions. There's not a lot you can do really, except keep the communication going and remember this isn't really about you. As onep1ece7 mentioned, plenty of cis guys can't have kids. She has options with you. If she can't accept those options, that's her issues. I'm not saying that to judge her, we all have our issues, but just to let you know you aren't failing as a man

I agree with everyone so far. Even with a cis couple stuff can go terribly wrong... The issue is not you.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, and I hope with the right communication, you both can work things out and stay together without anyone compromising how they feel. But in regards to feeling like you can't compete with a biological man, that's not true. Not only can cisgender males have fertility problems, but don't forget that there are many people out there who would love to adopt, or who this wouldn't be an issue for. It's not a competition; you're a guy and that's that. Alright, you can't have kids in that way, but loads of people can't.

I found out she has been cheating on me with the guy for some time now. I realized she hasn't completely let me go because she is afraid of what I will do to myself. On her end it's over. I could never fully satisfy her. This guy will give her everything I did and more. I've never been in such a serious relationship and I've never been cheated on. This is a huge blow to my confidence and self worth. I can't sleep or study. I don't think I will ever find someone to be with. At least not a fully straight girl. I feel like a man and I want to be seen as a man but as the end of the day I will never be enough for a straight girl.

Quote from: ND86 on March 29, 2014, 08:47:10 AM
I found out she has been cheating on me with the guy for some time now. I realized she hasn't completely let me go because she is afraid of what I will do to myself. On her end it's over. I could never fully satisfy her. This guy will give her everything I did and more. I've never been in such a serious relationship and I've never been cheated on. This is a huge blow to my confidence and self worth. I can't sleep or study. I don't think I will ever find someone to be with. At least not a fully straight girl. I feel like a man and I want to be seen as a man but as the end of the day I will never be enough for a straight girl.

That's real sad man, I am really sorry to hear that. No doubt it will take a while for you to heal and feel better but just know the issue is not you. It will take some time but eventually you will find a 'fully straight girl'. Honestly everyone is different and there are many open minded people in the world and people who focus on everything else instead of what's between someone's legs. I had my doubts too but if you ever feel down you can look up articles or YouTube videos of ftm with girls who accept and respect them
Sorry you feel sad. It will get better soon.

You feel like a man? That's because you are one
as someone said not all men can have kids...If a biological male has an accident or something and loses his manhood does that make him less of a man? Nope, it doesn't

Don't worry about what this guy has to offer either, there will always be someone who has 'more' than you but equally someone who has 'less' than you too

it's easier said than done but do some things for you. Do things you like. Get that confidence back and believe in yourself. When you are confident and love yourself you become more attractive to those you seek. If someone doesn't accept you...guess what? It's their loss

I wish you all the best and hope your studies go well

she wasn't worth it bro, I been cheated on and it hurts like a bitch but you get over it, whether you learn to forgive them or just let it go and move on, but there are a lot of straight girls who will see you as a man and not care. My gf now, has only been with cis gendered guys. Its something we deal with cause yeah at times I feel the same, feeling like I can't give her what a cis male can, but then I think, the only thing I can't give is my sperm, everything else is the same, I can technically give eggs though and get some donor sperm, I think because we were born with the female anatomy and how society is, we feel like we can't give the real deal, but we actually can cause there is no difference really. Plus karma has a way of working its self around, just keep your head up bro

maybe it was just meant to be that way?

at first it may look like you're the loser here, and they are all happy and stuff, but... they just got to know each other? how long do they know each other for? a month? or two? please.. at first for her it may seem like she is happier with him, but beginnings of pretty much everything are all glorious and lovely. it's in the long run that you see if this person is truly right for you, and let me tell you that, it ain't about having a penis or producing sperm, it's so much more than that. of course, it may be important, but not for everyone, and not always.

take a lesson out of it, keep your chin up and move forward
x

Quote from: crowcrow223 on March 29, 2014, 01:03:28 PM
maybe it was just meant to be that way?

at first it may look like you're the loser here, and they are all happy and stuff, but... they just got to know each other? how long do they know each other for? a month? or two? please.. at first for her it may seem like she is happier with him, but beginnings of pretty much everything are all glorious and lovely. it's in the long run that you see if this person is truly right for you, and let me tell you that, it ain't about having a penis or producing sperm, it's so much more than that. of course, it may be important, but not for everyone, and not always.

take a lesson out of it, keep your chin up and move forward
x

Yes haha four months to be exact. The guy told me I can have her now because she will end up being his wife in the end. I showed her the text and I think it actually freaked her out. It's her decision, though. If she wants to legally marry this guy and be controlled by him because he has a six pack and money then so be it. Nothing in this world could make me want to be in a controlled relationship. She comes from a VERY controlling/manipulative family. You'd think I was lying if I told you the horror stories I've been through with these people. I just had hope she was different. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

Anyway, thanks guys. It's really appreciated. This forum is really amazing.

Since the two of you seem to be able to talk very easily I suggest getting couples therapy so you can have a middle man help both of you sort through this. Is it really worth giving up on the relationship she has with you just because she has decided she wants children of her own? She doesn't like the idea of a test tube baby but with any man she's with that may be something she has to go through anyway. Her relationship with another man could fail miserably, he could be a terrible father that abandons his children,  A therapist could help get to the nitty gritty without anyone become defensive or stepping on toes.

If love fades it's because it was either not real love (love is selfless, kind, compassionate, and above all else never jealous or hurtful) or you're mistaken and what you're sensing is frustration.

Not FTM here, but I can really relate, I agree with much that has been said but, I have two things to add.

The first is that, my Stepfather, despite being the virile, fit former marine corps hand to hand combat instructor; had an exceedingly low sperm count and not only couldn't get my mother pregnant, but lost two other long term relationships over the issue. This bothered the hell out of him, it took him a long time to accept it, because it crushed his confidence and he was desperately looking for someone, anyone to blame for this...My mother didn't care, she already had 4 children, 2 of which she gave up early and 2 which she had a terrible time raising (and gave up after her marriage to my stepfather ended). The thing is, it took my mother literally years to convince him, that she didn't care. He let it consume his thoughts, by running through it over and over, and I could see it really took a toll on him.

My point is, you cannot (at least with current medical science) naturally have children; but you cannot let that define you. I have seen the terrible consequences that can happen when you take something like this, and tie it directly to your manhood. In my stepfather's case he brooded over the situation and ran it over and over in his head, ironically the Marine Corps says to avoid this very thing as it has been shown that running over traumatic events over and over in your head can actually lead to PTSD. Ultimately, your struggle with these feelings doesn't really seem all that different in substance than my Stepfather's but hopefully you can come to a healthy way of dealing with it, and not make the same mistakes he did.

My second comment is about a circumstance I was in, and perhaps it relates: back in 2011 my wife cheated on me. She had found some guy over the internet who was into the same fetish as her, and told her he would leave his wife for her, and they were having cyber sex sessions in front of the camera and talking of buying plane tickets and whatnot. I thought, since we were married that I needed to fight to get her back.

The thing is, I did fight for her, and I won, in that she came back. Despite me being trans (didn't seem to matter all that much to her) she came back to me. In retrospect though, it was a terrible mistake because all it did was buy me a few more years before she cheated again and left again. If someone is shopping to replace you, it seems to me like you ought to let them, because I don't think they are going to stop. Everyone is different, and I do hope for the best for you, but I would be very worried that if she is going to go so far as to cheat, that she might just not be worth it even if you can get through the current crisis.

There are few threads that are so upsetting to me that I don't even know how to leave a good response.  This is one of them.  Confirmation of all one's fears.  Somewhat makes me feel appreciative of my firm state of being single for the past what... almost 6 years now (Geez), but also makes me sad for the future.  It just further instills in me that you can't trust anyone.

Probably not the most useful post, or at all what someone should take from this thread. 

I guess this is a post of commiseration.  I feel your pain.  I've been through similar things.  Though she didn't cheat on me... just broke up with me via text super early in the morning... we lived together for 2 years and dated for a year or so before that.  She could have at least told me to my face.  Ugh.  (aaaand shes coming to visit me next week... this thread makes me want to tell her not to.)

At least you also know that her family is miserable, and that under it all she pretty much sucks too.  Who else would do that instead of just breaking up with you 4 months ago and going on with him.  Theres no reason for that.  Its not love keeping her there, but guilt or just not wanting to loose control of you.  Her not wanting to lose you probably has little to do with you and more to do with her. 

Quote from: ND86 on March 30, 2014, 12:29:38 AM
Yes haha four months to be exact. The guy told me I can have her now because she will end up being his wife in the end. I showed her the text and I think it actually freaked her out. It's her decision, though. If she wants to legally marry this guy and be controlled by him because he has a six pack and money then so be it. Nothing in this world could make me want to be in a controlled relationship. She comes from a VERY controlling/manipulative family. You'd think I was lying if I told you the horror stories I've been through with these people. I just had hope she was different. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

Anyway, thanks guys. It's really appreciated. This forum is really amazing.

mmh... yeah it's difficult when you come from a family like that. I have honestly put my boyfriend thru a lot of crap because of my narrow ideas about relationships and roles and being normal probably ultimately cuz emotionally I still can't get out of the hold of my crazy family. I'm trying to work to get better but it's hard and honestly i dont think he deserves to put up with me. It's not all the same issues but this kind of thing hppens to cis people all the time too... maybe it's her, not you. :c