So I'm basically gonna vent because I need to talk about this somewhere, and I don't know what to do. I'm a college senior about to graduate in about a month. Last semester, I was suicidal and hated myself because I had never come to anyone that I was transexual. But I was lucky that I made some friends who recognized my unhappiness and I came out to them, and they were incredibly supportive and amazing. They made me feel great and for the first time I was able to feel happy about myself because they treated me the way I wanted to be treated.

But this semester, due to my major, I had to spend a semester across the country, the semester before I graduate. I felt really alone, and my anger and sadness came back. I hated being alone, I felt so scared becasue I was across the country and, while I had a couple friends, all my close friends were so far away. But, again, thanks to these two amazing friends, I recently went home for spring break and came out to my parents and many of my friends. And it made me incredibly happy because for the first time in my life, I was starting to move towards my goal instead of hiding or making excuses.

Now I'm back across the country finishing out the semester before I graduate. I thought I would be happy, but I am still upset. I still feel so alone because I miss my friends, especially those two. But now I see them on Facebook and things, and they seem to be so happy without me. I know I'm being incredibly stupid, because I know they care about me, but I just feel left out. And my friends here across the country want me to move out (he doesnt know I'm transexual yet) with him after we graduate, but I just want to go back to to my home state. But I'm also worried that I'll hurt my professional career because I'm going home.

I'm also 250 pounds. I used to weight 275 pounds at the start of the semester, but I lost weight. BUt I feel like I'm really bad at losing weight. I run 5 days a week and I'm eating less, but not necessarily healthier. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I start HRT, if I start seeing a counselor, I wont' ever look the way I want to look. I'll look ugly and disgusting and no one will ever think I'm a woman, all they'll see is just a guy in a dress. I'll never look the way I want to look. I have bad acne, even at 21. My face is clear but my back and stupid broad, manly shoulders have acne.

And I'm 21. I waited too long. I keep looking online for stories of people who transitioned later in life, but all I see are these amazing stories of women who had the courage to go through everything when they were 14 or 15 or 16 or 17 or 18. And they all look amazing and beautiful, something that I don't think I'll ever be. If I start HRT, I'm just going to be fat and ugly and no one will care.

I thought I would be happy after I told my family, and I was for a short while but now I'm scared and I just want to start seeing a counselor but I can't for 5 more weeks AT LEAST (if not longer cause of graduation and finding a place to live and finding a job to pay off my loans) and I just don't know what to do.

I just want to pass, I just want to look like I've always imagined myself. My friends treat me the way I want to be treated, at least as they are getting used to it after I came out to them, but I'm never going to be what I want to be. I'm never going to be a girl, I'm never going to look the way I want and I hate it. I hate every second of this. I just want to lose weight. I just want to be happy. I want to stop hating myself but I don't think I'm ever going to. I don't know how to use makeup. I've tried to learn but no one ever taught me and I can't learn from Youtube like everyone says and I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you live near indiana or in indiana I'd gladly give ya makeup lessons.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
So I'm basically gonna vent because I need to talk about this somewhere, and I don't know what to do. 

Okay, I'm going to try to help if I can. I just finished teaching a night class and I'm wide awake. Let's slay this dragon.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I'm a college senior about to graduate in about a month. Last semester, I was suicidal and hated myself because I had never come to anyone that I was transexual. But I was lucky that I made some friends who recognized my unhappiness and I came out to them, and they were incredibly supportive and amazing. They made me feel great and for the first time I was able to feel happy about myself because they treated me the way I wanted to be treated.

Congratulations, LT, this is a huge step. You have real people in your life who support you. That's great. You are so brave for stepping out of the closet and trusting them. Give yourself credit for that. Also, congrats on your impending graduation. That's a big deal.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
But this semester, due to my major, I had to spend a semester across the country, the semester before I graduate. I felt really alone, and my anger and sadness came back. I hated being alone, I felt so scared becasue I was across the country and, while I had a couple friends, all my close friends were so far away. But, again, thanks to these two amazing friends, I recently went home for spring break and came out to my parents and many of my friends. And it made me incredibly happy because for the first time in my life, I was starting to move towards my goal instead of hiding or making excuses.

Awesome. Congrats and well done.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
Now I'm back across the country finishing out the semester before I graduate. I thought I would be happy, but I am still upset. I still feel so alone because I miss my friends, especially those two. But now I see them on Facebook and things, and they seem to be so happy without me.

They're, of course, allowed to be happy without you. That's not at all the same thing as being happy because they are without you. They're allowed to be happy when you're not around the same that you're allowed to be happy when they're not around. You trust them, so if you miss them you should reach out to them. Technology is too all-encompassing these days for anyone to have an excuse for not keeping in close contact with those they miss.  You might have to schedule phone calls or Skype sessions if life gets busy or crazy, but it can be done. Your friends are still your friends. Don't forget that.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I know I'm being incredibly stupid, because I know they care about me, but I just feel left out.

You're not being stupid, you're being dramatic. We all are at times, so don't beat yourself up about it. You're upset, and it's clouding your vision. Yes, you feel left out. But you're not being excluded, don't forget.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
And my friends here across the country want me to move out (he doesnt know I'm transexual yet) with him after we graduate, but I just want to go back to to my home state. But I'm also worried that I'll hurt my professional career because I'm going home.

As far as the friend goes, if you want you go home, then you should go home. Don't live your life for other people. He'll find another roommate, so don't feel obligated to live somewhere you don't want to live. And as far as the career goes, are there truly no job opportunities back home? I'm sure there are. And keep in mind that you can always move in a few years. If transitioning at home is what you need emotionally, then go home. Post-transition, girl, you get to go wherever you want. You're young; take the time to take care of yourself now. The career can wait, quite frankly. You're better off transitioning before you get too deep into your career anyway.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I'm also 250 pounds. I used to weight 275 pounds at the start of the semester, but I lost weight. BUt I feel like I'm really bad at losing weight. I run 5 days a week and I'm eating less, but not necessarily healthier. I don't know what to do.

25 lbs is huge progress. Feel good about that. If things are going slower than you hoped, then I think you may have nailed the problem when you said that you aren't necessarily eating healthier. Why not? You recognize the problem, so now it's time to face it. You know what worked for me is the Weight Watchers points system. It's great because you get to eat whatever you want so long as you come in under a daily point total. It forces us to realize just what we're putting in our bodies, eventually leading us to make healthier decisions and to employ moderation when it comes to junk food. It's not so much a diet as a modification to your lifestyle, which is what makes it sustainable indefinitely.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I feel like if I start HRT, if I start seeing a counselor, I wont' ever look the way I want to look. I'll look ugly and disgusting and no one will ever think I'm a woman, all they'll see is just a guy in a dress. I'll never look the way I want to look. I have bad acne, even at 21. My face is clear but my back and stupid broad, manly shoulders have acne.

Healthier eating can help the complexion. Also, if you have insurance then go see a dermatologist. These are problems with solutions. And don't catastrophize your looks, either. There are women of all sizes out there. You're worried you'll never look how you want to look? Well, everyone has to start somewhere, and you already have a destination in mind. Just keep moving toward it, and allow yourself to feel pride in each bit of progress you make.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
And I'm 21. I waited too long. I keep looking online for stories of people who transitioned later in life, but all I see are these amazing stories of women who had the courage to go through everything when they were 14 or 15 or 16 or 17 or 18. And they all look amazing and beautiful, something that I don't think I'll ever be.

As a 33-year old, I find lots of hope in the pictures and timelines of transwomen who are my age and older. And there are a lot of transwomen of all ages who have made amazing transformations. Don't compare yourself to the other girls; you can make it, too. There are people here three times your age who are just starting transition. Too old at 21? At 21, the only thing you're too old to do is be a teen model. Worry no more on this note.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
If I start HRT, I'm just going to be fat and ugly and no one will care.

Self-defeating negative talk. Anytime this kind of thought pops in your head, force yourself to come up with one nice thing to say about yourself. Seriously, don't be mean to yourself.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I thought I would be happy after I told my family, and I was for a short while but now I'm scared and I just want to start seeing a counselor but I can't for 5 more weeks AT LEAST (if not longer cause of graduation and finding a place to live and finding a job to pay off my loans) and I just don't know what to do.

5 weeks can seem like an eternity, but if you put your energy into something positive then it'll be over before you know it. Try to set a therapy appointment now if at all possible, so that you won't have to wait more than five weeks. As far as finding a place to live, consider going back home for now- it seems like doing so would lessen your stress and take a problem off your plate in the process. And if you can't find a job right away, then forbearance or deferment is always an option; when you're ready to pay them, your loans will still be waiting for you. It's okay.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I just want to pass, I just want to look like I've always imagined myself.

Okay, hon. Just make sure your expectations are realistic. I say that as kindly as possible. Expecting perfection from ourselves can send us down a rabbit hole of despair. Learn to love who you are. After that it'll be a lot easier to make progress toward who you want to become. At the moment, don't worry so much about the finished product. Just find ways to love yourself now.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
My friends treat me the way I want to be treated, at least as they are getting used to it after I came out to them, but I'm never going to be what I want to be. I'm never going to be a girl, I'm never going to look the way I want and I hate it. I hate every second of this. I just want to lose weight. I just want to be happy. I want to stop hating myself but I don't think I'm ever going to.

Despair. Fear. Don't believe it. This is the depression talking. If another person crapped on your dreams and potential, you'd probably take issue with that, right? So why should you get away with it? Tell that voice inside to stuff it.

Quote from: Tegan on March 29, 2014, 03:09:40 AM
I don't know how to use makeup. I've tried to learn but no one ever taught me and I can't learn from Youtube like everyone says and I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Least of your worries right now. Smallest thing on your plate. Seriously. Any of these girls could tell you what they've learned. I'm going to have to lean on them eventually, as I don't know how to apply makeup, either. Don't worry about it- there's plenty of time for stuff like this.

Prioritize. Have perspective. Recognize what's big and what's small, what needs attention now and what can be put on the back-burner for now. And make sure you put yourself first.

If you have anxiety about lack of forward momentum, then ask yourself: what can be done right now? Figure out whether you'll be returning home. Look for work. Set things up with a therapist. Keep exercising. Explore healthier eating options. Reach out to your friends.

It's time to shift your thinking from problem-based to solution-based. You can do this. You aren't alone. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Make progress each day- baby steps- toward your goal. Remember the lesson we learned from the tortoise and the hare: slow and steady wins the race.

Just keep at it. You're going to be fine. And don't forget that you're not alone. We're all here to support each other.

I hope I was of some help.

Cheers,
Tegan

I started HRT in my 30s and I passed within 63 days. You will have to lose weight and muscle mass, but I won't lie, the process won't be easy. But nothing in life worth having was ever easy. Your feelings of loneliness are normal. You're all the way across the country. BTW, most people don't start transitioning at 14. It's incredibly rare. Even 17 is rare. And by 18, the bulk of male features is set and if it's too much, you'll have to get FFS. If I were you, and I had an incredible opportunity across the country, I'd stay there, save money, and use it to fund FFS and SRS. Yeah, it will suck. But it's about the end goal.

But you need to have a more postive attitude first off and you should prolly see a therapist if you're feeling this way. But you are, so that's a good step. makeup is about practice. Practice. practice.

Joanna brings up some great points about attitude and age.

I started when i was 28 and began passing at night around 3 months in. There is no such thing as age barrier when it comes to a visually successful transition. Just keep losing weight, even if it is little by little.

You have a wonderful opportunity to see such an amazing transformation before your own eyes. Keep a positive attitude about it... and when you make it to the other side of the mountain, you will find a new sense of glory & accomplishment that not even being cis female can award you.

Seriously though... 21 is YOUNG! You have a great head start, trust us on that!

Oh, and welcome to Susan's! If you ever have a question that still befuddles you after youtube, always feel free to post about it here. We have sections for everything and wonderful knowledgable members that truly do want to help you out

Passing at night. Ah, yes... I now know what that means.

I think Tegan said it far better than I ever could.  Don't dispair, I'm 61, had to lose 40 lbs just be be presentable. If I don't always pass, I blend in fine.  Shoot girl your bones are even completely set yet.  You might get some hips, curves, and surprise even yourself.  Remember transition takes years, electrolysis takes years.  You don't have to go full time tomorrow, but you owe it to yourself to start soon.  Find a good councilor, an understanding Dr. and know that there are some of the finest women on the planet here to catch you.

Hugs
Julie

Tegan says it well.

Find a good gender counsellor and talk to them. How you appear now has zero bearing on how you might look. Check out the before and after thread for some jaw dropping inspiration.

It seems you are lonely and a bit needy, that's not a criticism - I was exactly the same at your age (and that was well before the internet). Thing is it can mess with your head to the point where you feel excluded even when you're in a room full of friends. Finding your sense of self worth will go a long way towards changing that. Maybe talk to the counsellor about that too.

All the best!

< I started transition at age 47 sweetie, 21 is not even close to too old because there is no such thing as too old. I went Full Time at only four months or so into transition. First, like everyone is telling you, find a Therapist with gender experience. I found mine at Oklahoma State University in the psychology Department. One thing I can tell you is that gender Dysphoria ONLY gets worse as the years go by.

lostrekkie;
First off take a deep breath and relax. You are just going through what here would be classified the normal, what ever that is. All of us have gone through what your feeling right now and it does get better. As to your age, sweetie I'm 56 years old and just starting transition. So your never to old. That said that was actually the question of my first post on this site.

Like yourself I also am overweight. With my transition I have set a goal weight of 170 pounds being 5' 11" and let's just say I have a long way to go. But it's a one day at a time adventure. I changed my diet, got back into the gym and in a little over two and a half weeks have lost 10 pounds. I have decided I will not start HRT until I lost more weight, but my therapist told that really wasn't necessary but it was my choice and she was okay with it either way.

I look at it this way. At my age what is another three to four years going to be? So I'm going to lose a hundred pounds and then start HRT. While yes being in boy mode sucks but big deal for the time being as long as I am making forward progress.

Another thing I'd like to stress. Don't aspire to be the super model or what is classified to be the stereotype women. The women in you will emerge and you'll be quite surprised when she fully blossoms. Be yourself... Take time to learn how a lady acts their mannerisms etc. It's a learning process. You have spent 21 year learning how to be a boy, don't expect changes overnight.

I know I am sounding like a broken record as to this subject, but I can't stress enough the need to seek help and get a therapist. Everything else will come in time and believe you me sugar you have plenty of that at this point. Find a good therapist and when your ready start HRT and go from there. But take your time and relax. This isn't a race, and you have plenty of time.

Losttrekkie you are going through something right now that seems insurmountable.  Hang on and take a breath.  When you are overwhelmed you can always come here and vent.  I am new here and 42 so believe me you are not to old.  I don't know where you are going to school but perhaps they have some groups you could join or maybe even a therapist to speak to.  It will not answer everything but it is an excellent start.  Just keep trying and try to think about all you have accomplished.  It is amazing when you think about what else you are dealing with.  Just keep plugging along girl.  This is a marathon not a race.  Stay strong and come here to vent whenever you need to.

Thank you everyone. I feel better. I'm just somewhat scared and alone here across the country and just wish I had my friends here to talk to. I want to see a therapist, but I'm moving back to my home state after this semester once I graduate into an apartment with friends, so my parents want me to wait to have a more permanent therapist in a month or two. I understand and it makes sense, but I feel lonely and just want to talk to somebody. I'm also scared, because now that I've come out to my parents, I'm happier because I know things will start to happen now, but now I actually have to go through everything. And I'm excited, but, as my above post makes obvious, I'm just scared of how everything will go. I guess that's most certainly not an uncommon thing, but I just wish I some friends here where I live to help.

Books. Buy some books. Educating yourself is always good for lowering the stress of the unknown. PM me for suggestions.

-Teg

Sweetie, if you were not scared something would be completely wrong. Hell, I'm terrified at times. This is a huge step for anyone and fear is just part of it. Be very thankful you have your parents support. Lots of is didn't  so consider that a blessing.

As Tegan said, find some books, not to mention the internet has a wealth of knowledge. This site alone has a massive amount of information. And of course if you feel down or are looking for support we are always here for you. Take it one day at a time.

If you wanted to talk to people who can relate to you, you definitely came to the right place. We all care and we have all been there or are still there.  You are going to be okay.  The fact that you had the courage to come out to your friends and have the courage to keep at it shows your strength. 

Transitioning takes friggin forever and it sucks!  Stick with it and keep working.  Eventually things will keep getting better.  It's like moving into a new house.  One that is much better than the old one.  It takes a while to get all your furniture and boxes into the house and then you have to put everything in it's place.  Dishes go here, clothes and shoes go there.  Eventually everything falls into place and before you know it, your all moved in.  Right now you are still packing up and getting ready to load the truck.  Soon you will be all moved in. 

You are going to be just fine.

21? OMG! What many of us would so give to be 21, again! Your pelvic bones are likely not completely calcified, so you have a good chance of attaining more female proportioned hips! Weight - Many women have to work at maintaining their body, through diet and exercise. For caucasions, weight lifting, the kind that builds a great male body, hurts, and even serious weight trainers diet. So, building muscles hurts. And losing weight hurts, and maintaining that weight goal can hurt. Either way, it can hurt. Expect it, and face it as a challenge, not as a barrier. It is never a barrier.

You think you have it difficult? You don't have a wife and children, and you haven't built a 20 year career with one company. These things can make transition much more difficult. And hard as it is to believe, you're more likely than not to find that the school-mate friends that you have now will not have a whole lot of relevance to your life, 20 years from now, maybe even 5 years from now.

You talk about the 14 and 15 year olds that had the courage to start transitioning early, but it's really not quite like that. Even though there is still dangerous hostility in some places, attitudes have changed a great deal. There is a plethora of information that was just not available 20, 30 or 40 years ago. Surgical techniques are highly refined, compared to yesteryear - even stem-cell-created vaginas are becoming available for implant (although I don't know of any TG who has yet had that). Hormone replacement therapy is conveniently available, both through GPs and online, and dysphoria is no longer considered a mental illness. How would you like to be labeled mentally ill? It used to be very easy to lock up mentally ill people, against their will (on the other hand, today certain types of mental illness, such as Bipolar and Depression, are fashionable and great for publicity - even worn as a badge of honor. I really don't quite get that).

While I would applaud young people for their difficult decision, a decision that even in this day faces ridicule and a lot of difficulty, I would not dare say that any one of these young persons is more courageous than you. Courage is not doing something difficult, or doing something spectacular in the face of danger. Courage is facing your greatest fears, head on, and overcoming them. It sounds to me like you're on a great start.

Tegan is perfectly correct - 25 lbs is AMAZING! That's nearly 10% of your body weight!!! And the advice given by Veronica, and others, is some of the best advice you're ever going to get.