Im a transgender or even more, I am miserable being a male. I am also married. she cant stand it. she shows zero tolerance. cant she understand that she pushed me to give up my life?
we are together 13 years and I cant stand the feeling of loosing her and I even cant fight with her... little by little I find my self understand that the best for me is to give up my life.
I am looking in google again and again-what is the most painless way to do it..once I will find and once I will have to courage, for sure I will go for it.
help

First of all, get yourself some help. If you are an immediate threat to yourself, you can be committed to hospital (depending on where you are). If you can wait, see about getting a psychologist or psychiatrist.
I don't have any advice about the fear of losing her. I've left people before and there have been times I was scared and times I didn't want to lose them. I did it anyway and found out that I could stand it and was, in fact, happier.
I would recommend never putting someone else's life before yours.

I understand very well where you are right now.

I was there myself a year ago.

I was prepared and still am to be separated or divorced and I went to an intake to get help for suicide. I am so glad I did.

I have been gong to a gender therapist for 14 months and on HRT for 10 months and I have come a long way. I need to go further but the progress is significant.

In progress I mean growing my identity. Yes, I am Trans* but my identity was so stunted and why I did things so painful and empty I just wanted to end the pain and emptiness. I saw no way out.

I know it is difficult and you may not believe it but one year and a lot of work and I finally feel I can make it out of the tunnel and you can too. 

Quote from: asheriko35 on March 31, 2014, 03:16:58 PM
Im a transgender or even more, I am miserable being a male. I am also married. she cant stand it. she shows zero tolerance. cant she understand that she pushed me to give up my life?
we are together 13 years and I cant stand the feeling of loosing her and I even cant fight with her... little by little I find my self understand that the best for me is to give up my life.
I am looking in google again and again-what is the most painless way to do it..once I will find and once I will have to courage, for sure I will go for it.
help

There are no painless ways. A lot of times the best thing we can do is rid ourselves of a toxic relationship. If she can't accept you for you no matter what and has zero tolerance then you really need to give up and either allow her to leave or leave yourself. Believe me I have been there and it is painful to lose someone you think that you truly love but in the end when you can be yourself instead of living up to an image for someone else and their perceived happiness, it is well worth it. Or for me it was. Fighting over the length of your hair? That is really trivial. If there is no middle ground to be gained, give or take or just compromise, then really the relationship is one sided and in my opinion not worth trying to keep going.

As for the suicide, if that is what you are googling, it's really not worth it. Don't commit a permanent action for a temporary problem. Yes separation and or divorce hurts emotionally but it can also be very liberating when you are free to express yourself instead of living a lie. The biggest mistake I ever made was getting married, the best decision I ever made was to leave because I was sort of in the same boat as you are now. Believe me it will get better.

With suicide there are no do-overs.

I am sure poll results here on Susan's will resemble that of my TG support group in that the overwhelming majority when looking into the eyes of that same beast you are realized that there is another much more viable option. Scarier by far. Full of infinite unknowns. Also means facing up to the demons that plagued your life forever. That solution is to see how transitioning may bring happiness back into your life.

For many transition also meant making that choice between themselves or their marriage. Once the cat is out of the bag, a non-supportive, if not hostile, spouse will not go back thinking how wonderful and "manly" you were. Essentially no do-overs there either.

Even in my case with a supportive wife, and one who values my life and happiness above hers, as I feel about her, if I decide to transition to full-time there is no guarantee we'll stay together. Case in point from yesterday afternoon she said "... and staying in relationships I know are bad for me"

Go ahead twist that guilt knife a bit more why don't you.