It's today about five hours from now. It's not a full divorce yet. I need to vent somewhere that isn't in a court room.

It's got me feeling blue because the woman I fell in love with has gone to lengths to effectively sue me. She says that she doesn't want us to bad mouth each other and to let the lawyers handle this but then unleashes her lawyer with detailed information about me. I just feel betrayed.

From the start of coming out as trans I have told her that I truly love her. Her response has been to be repulsed and disgusted by me. She feels betrayed and has anger issues. So she lashes out insulting me and forcing arguments with me. I feel so heart broken and often less than human. I'm not angry. I don't want to fight this war. I have enough going inside me without it.

As a part of our agreement I am to leave the house. However in order to do that I will have to rent a place which is difficult if you owe on a big mortgage, car payment, have a child, and impending child support. She refuses to see reason where she expects me to find this "acceptable" place to live for a reasonable price when she lives with her parents for free and will also have our house until it sells. Her car is paid off and she makes just as much money as I do if not more. And that is where her lawyer brings the argument into effect. Neither of us can afford to live like this for long. We are both spiraling I to debt and the lawyers are fighting over the fact that neither of us can afford to divorce. We were fine married but paying rent and mortgage, two phone bills, two utilities, two lawyers etc is murder on your bank accounts.

The worst part is that she wants to bring up my transgender status during the proceedings as a concern for our sons well being. She has made it no secret that she believes that I will cause her and our son to be bullied and discriminated against because of their relation to me. She still thinks that this is a choice for me. Like I could turn it off or continue suppressing it.

I, I never wanted a divorce. I didn't ask to be transgender and god help me I tried to be the best man and husband land father that I could be. But I can't take her abuse anymore and it's painfully obvious to me now that she has wanted this for some time but didn't want to suffer the loss of pride for divorcing her husband for no good reason. I work hard, I'm not a slob, I shared everything that I had with her... I love our son so so much and I have never shirked from taking the best care of him that I can. But I am losing my best friend and I do feel betrayed. I feel like just talking to her adds more ammunition for her lawyer to use against me. I just want this to be over but I understand that it will never be over. We have a child together and he will be a part of both of us forever.

Just crying in bed now unable to sleep.

Hi Christine. I  feel for you and can relate as mine is in May. She is doing to me exactly everything she is to you so I totally get where you are coming from. If you ever want to talk just PM. Mine is bringing the children's mental health into it as well which is idiotic because they are 15 (son) and 16 (daughter). My son lives with me and wants nothing to do with his mother which was his call and not anything I said to him about her. Being full time he has accepted me and has been great about my transition. My daughter lives with her mother and wants nothing to do with me. According to her and her mother I am doomed to hell for being an un Christian like "Homo". I know the pain and financial difficulties you are facing ahead so commiserate any time you need to. 

I'm not very good at talking so I'll just send a heart felt hug.

Quote from: Christine167 on March 31, 2014, 03:16:33 AM
It's today about five hours from now. It's not a full divorce yet. I need to vent somewhere that isn't in a court room.

It's got me feeling blue because the woman I fell in love with has gone to lengths to effectively sue me. She says that she doesn't want us to bad mouth each other and to let the lawyers handle this but then unleashes her lawyer with detailed information about me. I just feel betrayed.

From the start of coming out as trans I have told her that I truly love her. Her response has been to be repulsed and disgusted by me. She feels betrayed and has anger issues. So she lashes out insulting me and forcing arguments with me. I feel so heart broken and often less than human. I'm not angry. I don't want to fight this war. I have enough going inside me without it.

As a part of our agreement I am to leave the house. However in order to do that I will have to rent a place which is difficult if you owe on a big mortgage, car payment, have a child, and impending child support. She refuses to see reason where she expects me to find this "acceptable" place to live for a reasonable price when she lives with her parents for free and will also have our house until it sells. Her car is paid off and she makes just as much money as I do if not more. And that is where her lawyer brings the argument into effect. Neither of us can afford to live like this for long. We are both spiraling I to debt and the lawyers are fighting over the fact that neither of us can afford to divorce. We were fine married but paying rent and mortgage, two phone bills, two utilities, two lawyers etc is murder on your bank accounts.

The worst part is that she wants to bring up my transgender status during the proceedings as a concern for our sons well being. She has made it no secret that she believes that I will cause her and our son to be bullied and discriminated against because of their relation to me. She still thinks that this is a choice for me. Like I could turn it off or continue suppressing it.

I, I never wanted a divorce. I didn't ask to be transgender and god help me I tried to be the best man and husband land father that I could be. But I can't take her abuse anymore and it's painfully obvious to me now that she has wanted this for some time but didn't want to suffer the loss of pride for divorcing her husband for no good reason. I work hard, I'm not a slob, I shared everything that I had with her... I love our son so so much and I have never shirked from taking the best care of him that I can. But I am losing my best friend and I do feel betrayed. I feel like just talking to her adds more ammunition for her lawyer to use against me. I just want this to be over but I understand that it will never be over. We have a child together and he will be a part of both of us forever.

Just crying in bed now unable to sleep.

I relate to every single word of that ... right down to the claim that being transgender is, by definition, such a terrible, shameful thing that it is grounds for keeping a parent away from their sone. I can't give you any comfort, Christine, except to say that you are absolutely not alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel and you have my total sympathy, empathy and support.

I've been there, sister. It's ugly and unfair. Hugs, dear.

I feel for you I really do. Did she know you were trans from the start or sometime in between? Or, did you come out to her and then, whammo, she wants a divorce? If it's the latter, part of her feelings might come from the sudden nature of your coming out and the feeling of being lied to and betrayed. I know you never meant to betray her and being trans sucks the big one. But, I think for some trans women who are married and have kids while trans and not disclosing your status, I think this is kinda expected. That's why I'm a big believer in not coming out and transitioning in secret for the most part and then bit by bit, changing little parts about yourself so it's not like a nuke went off in the wife's mind. I have to admit I really am torn because there is a part of me that thinks if I was her and Ohad this whole life planned out and then my husband says he's gay or trans or something that he never mentioned, I would feel completely betrayed. That being said, she is acting like quite the B-word and she could deal with it much better.

I was going to be married once and my ex knew the entire ti me. In fact, the whole reason she dated me was because I look and act so femme. It just comes natural. I don't know why. And she still was all up in arms and weird and basically just kept saying she changed, meanig she doesn't want to be in a lesbian relationship anymore with some hermie.

But, I hope things go better for you. They will. Give it time.

Thanks everyone. I was so nervous and I suppose still am. I can't believe that I'm even still awake right now.

The aftermath is that I feel terrible. And while my transgender status didn't come up, thank goodness, her lawyer did make some personal attacks against me saying that I was going through a selfish phase and suggested that I had hidden undisclosed income from buying and selling on eBay. Which is not true. She upped the stakes and asked for the court to have me pay for my wife's legal expenses, part of her credit card debt, half of the mortgage, keep her on my medical insurance and pay for it, half of the day care bill, and pay child support. All of this in addition to being required to get out of the house before Saturday. So yes I have to move out and pay rent.

My lawyer responded with no unsupported statements and questioned why I was being asked to pay all of that and move out. It was brutal and decisive as she answered each statement. My wife tried to speak up and the judge silenced her. She broke out into tears and cried for the rest of the hearing. I am to move out before Saturday. I do have to pay but not nearly as much as her lawyer demanded.

And I feel terrible. I feel like I just murdered my best friend. You'd think I would do a happy dance and celebrate but I sit here now and feel like neither of us won anything. What's more is I feel like I have to watch myself now. I more than ever don't feel like I can spend any money and I don't feel like I can trust what once was the only person that I could confide in. I don't know what to do other than pack my things, finish making my arrangements, and hope that we can patch this up and be at the very least civil to each other. And I don't even know if I'd count this as nearly over. She could drag me back to court at anytime. I think of how we met and all of the good things in our life and I can't help but feel so low now that's it's all gone.

It wasn't that I wasn't happy with her. It was that I wasn't happy with myself. I'm not over her and I still love her but I can't survive with demands that she was making and I have no illusions of her changing her mind about me. I just want a clear path to follow to get out of this horrible place that I have found myself in.

Joanne, my trans status was undisclosed before we even knew each other. I was in deep denial, uneducated on the issue, and thought that I could just ignore and bury it. And my wife does see it as you have put it. However she has appreciated that I didn't try to hide my transition from her and really I feel that it would be much much worse if I did. It would be so hard to deny being selfish with all the money spent that transitioning can cost. There would be a paper trail from heck leading back to me with no way to prove that I was trying to deal with my issues peacefully and meaningfully.

Suzi, Jessica, Carlita. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with this. It has really helped put this all into perspective of where I should be at this point. I feel like I can look forward just a little bit and plan a head.

Christine
I really feel for you on this one. I don't usually reply to these types of posts, but it hits home. I don't have much advice other than what's already been given, as it's the advice I've been following. We're here for you, and a majority of us have been in this exact situation. We'll deal with it together.

Quote from: Christine167 on March 31, 2014, 03:16:33 AM
It's today about five hours from now. It's not a full divorce yet. I need to vent somewhere that isn't in a court room.

It's got me feeling blue because the woman I fell in love with has gone to lengths to effectively sue me. She says that she doesn't want us to bad mouth each other and to let the lawyers handle this but then unleashes her lawyer with detailed information about me. I just feel betrayed.

From the start of coming out as trans I have told her that I truly love her. Her response has




been to be repulsed and disgusted by me. She feels betrayed and has anger issues. So she



lashes out insulting me and forcing arguments with me. I feel so heart broken and often less than human. I'm not angry. I don't want to fight this war. I have enough going inside me without it.

As a part of our agreement I am to leave the house. However in order to do that I will have to rent a place which is difficult if you owe on a big mortgage, car payment, have a child, and impending child support. She refuses to see reason where she expects me to find this "acceptable" place to live for a reasonable price when she lives with her parents for free and will also have our house until it sells. Her car is paid off and she makes just as much money as I do if not more. And that is where her lawyer brings the argument into effect. Neither of us can afford to live like this for long. We are both spiraling I to debt and the lawyers are fighting over the fact that neither of us can afford to divorce. We were fine married but paying rent and mortgage, two phone bills, two utilities, two lawyers etc is murder on your bank accounts.

The worst part is that she wants to bring up my transgender status during the proceedings as a concern for our sons well being. She has made it no secret that she believes that I will cause her and our son to be bullied and discriminated against because of their relation to me. She still thinks that this is a choice for me. Like I could turn it off or continue suppressing it.

I, I never wanted a divorce. I didn't ask to be transgender and god help me I tried to be the best man and husband land father that I could be. But I can't take her abuse anymore and it's painfully obvious to me now that she has wanted this for some time but didn't want to suffer the loss of pride for divorcing her husband for no good reason. I work hard, I'm not a slob, I shared everything that I had with her... I love our son so so much and I have never shirked from taking the best care of him that I can. But I am losing my best friend and I do feel betrayed. I feel like just talking to her adds more ammunition for her lawyer to use against me. I just want this to be over but I understand that it will never be over. We have a child together and he will be a part of both of us forever.

Just crying in bed now unable to sleep.

I am Ftm and after 13 years of marriage and me being honest and open front he beginning, all of a sudden she now says she resents anyhring masculine and wants to be with a "real" lesbian. It is like I am with a differnt person. I have been supportive and caring. Now I am getting the boot for being who I have been from the start of our relationship. I feel for you. It makes no sense. It is hard enough on us and we don't need all this drams and lies. Ithurts me too sown to the core. We also have a house and lots of "stuff" after 13 years. I am starting to think they are the oneks with the real issues. I feel for you. You are not alone.

Hugs, I am trying to avoid divorce.

Lawyers can be brutal.

From what I have read from other Trans the end to the process is welcome and when it is over you are free.

Money does not compare with Identity.

I will be sending good thoughts your way.

Christine, I am so sorry, and feel for what you are going thru also.  I am only a court appearance behind you, and am terrified for what lies ahead.  If we were closer, we could cry over this together. You are in my prayers, precious sister. 

Christine, Your situation just sounds so painful, and I am so, so sorry to hear about it. Whatever else gets said, I hope that your lawyer mentions that the very thought that a parent who is trans is emotionally and psychologically harmful is not just unfounded, it is also discriminatory. I would also add that I hope you don't feel any guilt for being yourself. A transgender parent doesn't hurt a child, but a parent who models narrowness and vindictiveness does. My heart goes out to you and with you.

"And I feel terrible. I feel like I just murdered my best friend."

This is the what is holding me back.  When I came out to my wife she made it pretty clear that this is where my marriage would go.  Even just telling her that I was trans hurt her so bad...

I know how you feel. While it may be difficult to believe, better times will come.

So sorry to hear that... Hang in there girl... While I am not a lawyer, and I may be wrong on this but as your married, that kind of information I believe is admissible in court... Other wise, she could be opening herself up to a huge lawsuit. Might ask your attorney about that one.

You and many people, including some of the folks that have already posted here, have been there; and you know what...everybody joins the "pity party" but what you really need is some solid advice...

Look, she did love but now she hates you, and all she wants is to "take you to the cleaners and make as miserable as she can," so, get real, get a lawyer and fight. What ever you do, do not leave the house, do not sign anything, keep a diary, make a inventory of what you have deeds, titles, bank accounts, life insurance, etc; put you personal valuables and mementos in safe place,  this is war!

Quote from: peky on April 02, 2014, 09:25:32 PM
You and many people, including some of the folks that have already posted here, have been there; and you know what...everybody joins the "pity party" but what you really need is some solid advice...

Look, she did love but now she hates you, and all she wants is to "take you to the cleaners and make as miserable as she can," so, get real, get a lawyer and fight. What ever you do, do not leave the house, do not sign anything, keep a diary, make a inventory of what you have deeds, titles, bank accounts, life insurance, etc; put you personal valuables and mementos in safe place,  this is war!

Sadly your most likely correct in your advice in the second paragraph, however this is just my opinion, It is still polite to be sympathetic to someone going through this...

Im so sorry for you Christine that the closest person turned to be kind of enemy

be strong

I am reading this as I am married and havnt started the process yet and terrified to go thru what you are going now
pls tell me that at least you feel e liberated...

Quote from: Veronica M on April 02, 2014, 09:44:47 PM
Sadly your most likely correct in your advice in the second paragraph, however this is just my opinion, It is still polite to be sympathetic to someone going through this...

You are overacting girl, I think your sugar is low, here have a doughnut.. you'll feel better 

Quote from: peky on April 05, 2014, 08:42:35 AM
You are overacting girl, I think your sugar is low, here have a doughnut.. you'll feel better 

LOL... Fair enough... I have been known to do that.