Just recently one of this "baby boomer newbie" gave a negative reputation in response to a comment "she" deemed rude. In my humble opinion this is a misuse of the reputation tool but that could be another thread

People post messages in which they ask for opinions, and more often than not they get also a lot of sympathetic response. I am a practical woman and as such I feel the need to give clear concise advice.

One to many of us sink in this "lets have a pity party" kind of mode, instead of grounding themselves in reality and taking effective actions on matters of real importance -like divorce

I have seen a lot of "old timers," like me, leave Susan's because they are "run out of doge city" by the "political correct police."

Well, I guess that is no a real loss to Susan's place, as there is always new people to fill the vacant spaces, right?

So, who cares if they are gone ?

Is the fact that this forum is becoming composed by more homogenous people a good thing, or is a forum full of people with different opinions and/or styles a better paradigm for a supporting forum ?

I do not know, and frankly honey I do not give a dime! My life is set, I do not come to Susan's to get any support, as I do not need any.

As a woman of sciences I come to Susan's to offer my expert opinion in certain biological-related issues, and to offer my practical opinion in other issues. I live the dispense of empathy and sympathy to more qualified members.

My final point is to remind the political-correct-police types -you know those people who see rudeness in every post- that pity parties lead to nothing but the creation of a victimization culture.... Yeah, it is good to get your feelings validate but is equally important to get some solid advice   

Personally, I think you're pretty awesome and I generally enjoy reading your posts when I come across them. I don't really engage in a lot of sympathy either and I clearly wouldn't be considered for membership in the polite ladies society. So say what you want. I mean, what else can you do? Haters gonna hate.

Nothing wrong with differing opinions and perspectives at all, and everyone has their own personality and way of expressing themselves. There's not a whole lot you can do about how someone will take the words you say. If your messages are coming from a place of trying to be helpful, that's what's most important.

I like your sense of humor, Pearl. It's what I remember most about your messages.

I think it's difficult to dispense tough love in face to face conversations and it's very, very difficult to do it well in a text only format like a forum.

The truth is like a sword without a hilt it can hurt both parties. Them because it is the message they not wish to hear,  yourself because you receive a negative reputation. Do not be too worried for I like you believe that sometimes tough love can be the best form of love needed

Why did you put she in quotations?

To stress the she? No? I know I'm right. I know I'm right. I know I'm right.  And I know I'm right, dammit. 

It is quite possible to give good solid advice without being disrespectful to the one you are giving advice to as well.   But your first sentence kind of shows where you're coming from. So I for one really don't care if you leave or not with that kind of attitude.

*disclaimer- I am not telling Peky to leave, just stating my opinion considering her behavior and attitude.*

I read the post. It didn't seem rude to me. You've given me similar (helpful) advice in the past.

However, whenever I post something that might be painful for someone to hear, I'm careful to consider their feelings when I decide how I'm going to word it. In particular, the words "pity party", might be triggering to some people. I know it's an expression bullies used in my presence after they made me cry or pout or display obvious unhappiness at being ganged up on.

Hi Pearl,
I always appreciate your perspectives, and I and several of the old-timers would have been much less gentle in their suggestions to the original poster than you were. When someone is allowing their personal life and future be destroyed in real-time while talking about feelings instead of taking action, "pity party" is probably a good description. Better tough love now then dealing with decades of financial bondage and not being able to see one's children.
It is a little rude for someone who has been on the site for less than 3 weeks, and isn't the original poster, to give a negative reputation to you for what they perceive as rudeness (not abuse). Perhaps when they proceed with their own transition, and spend a little more time on the site, they will become more moderate in their actions towards others.
I'm not sure if they have declared their gender and pronouns, but if they have I wouldn't put 'she' in quotes even if their action smacks of learned male privilege.

Thank you Ladies for your support !

Time is on my side... I seen them before, they come and go, sin pena ni gloria...

I come to Susan's because I can know that I can generally find intelligent and literate insight here. 

I have always been a moderate (what some call a fence-sitter) but they misunderstand the perspective you get from being in no-man's-land.  The point about this forum for me is that we must always remember that we are here to help and learn from each other.  Yes, it is often possible to miscommunicate, and the lack of voice of facial feedback makes it a little easier for misundertanding to take place.  But it's as easy to be a real person and apologise if need be.

Just how I see things....
Julia

The nuances of being caring yet giving good, but tough advice can be hard to get across online. :/

Part of my RL job is to tell people stuff they don't want to hear - and it never goes down well, regardless of how tactfully I put it.  Sometimes telling the truth hurts, and may come across as inappropriate, but equally, telling someone, "I feel sorry for you, there, there" and not offering advice is disingenuous in my opinion, particularly if someone is asking for help.

Quote from: luna nyan on April 16, 2014, 06:18:17 AM
The nuances of being caring yet giving good, but tough advice can be hard to get across online. :/

Part of my RL job is to tell people stuff they don't want to hear - and it never goes down well, regardless of how tactfully I put it.  Sometimes telling the truth hurts, and may come across as inappropriate, but equally, telling someone, "I feel sorry for you, there, there" and not offering advice is disingenuous in my opinion, particularly if someone is asking for help.

Yes this is so true!

I am by nature a rather prickly type-A personality and soft pedal a lot of my comments intentionally. I find that there is no way anyone can give an honest opinion via text where there is no vocal tone and tenor or observable body language all of which is part of good communication, so often times it is very difficult for others who tend to mis-read and misunderstand the intentions behind what has been posted. That being the case, it's best for folks to get a tough hide and refuse to allow other people's comments to ruffle their feathers and over-react like that person who responded negatively. You're not alone, it's happened to me too, just consider the source and don't let t ruin your day.