Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Thanks everybody for your replies. I feel a lot better now that I know I am not the only one with these feelings. Please forgive any future freak outs as I hope I learned enough from all of you now to deal with them a little better. My confidence in myself and who I am is still there I just got a little tired physically and mentally and let something affect me that normally would not. I will pay better attention next time and handle it a lot better. Thanks again all as I could not complete my journey without your support! Love you all! 

You'll probably have those same feelings and thoughts again at times, I have them at times myself, they get me down but the best advice I can give you is to do your best to not dwell on it and look forward to the rest of your life as who you truly are. I would say a lot more but others here have already said what I would have said. Btw, I don't think you just needed a hug. *Hugs anyway* (<-- I rarely give hugs out btw) The only other advice I can give is save a link to this thread and read over what people have said here again should you get real down again and can't shake it off.

EDIT: Oh and, try not to worry too much about what others think of you, especially if it means it's what stops you from asking for help.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Love you all! 

Better love me the most 

Quote from: radsi on April 05, 2014, 06:05:49 PM
Better love me the most 

AWWWW! Thank you for the very kind PMs. They helped a lot as well!

Big Hugs Jessica,

I know of the feeling of  loss for what I have never had too.

I had been following a post and replied about self castration. It bothered me a lot. This morning I dreamed I was walking up a street in the gayborhood and some girls grabbed me and castrated me. I was a child in the dream. I awoke and I could have been 7 with the same feelings as then rushing back. I was devastated. After a half hour I was feeling really bad and thinking this is just too much and the thoughts of ending it all started. After a while the thoughts of my daughter needs me, I want to see the figure in my head on me and I want to grow hair down 1/2 the way down my back started to come in my head. Next, I heard my 1st therapist say, "sweetie you did what you could when you could". I felt a little better and the feelings subsided.

Mourn the loss of not being cis, rejoice you are able to transition, recount all the things your have done well and plan for you future as a girl.  Hugs.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on April 05, 2014, 07:36:50 PM
Mourn the loss of not being cis, rejoice you are able to transition, recount all the things your have done well and plan for you future as a girl.  Hugs.

I will, I promise!

Hope it's not too late for a *BIG HUG*

Sorry you've been down hon. Probably not very helpful but I just wanted to say try not to let some silly movie stuffed with stereotypical flirting and cliche scenarios get you down. Your a beautiful woman with a lot of great experiences ahead of you, I know it! 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:24:03 AM
Hi everybody! This post is kind of a first for me of this nature and I am hoping it will not negatively affect your views of me, but here it goes. I have had a relatively easy time of transition and blending into society as a female. I have been upbeat and genuinely happy with how things are progressing and the acceptance level I have had. It has been really smooth sailing, that is, until last night. I was watching a movie and in it people were at a large formal party having a good time and mingling. I found myself staring at all the beautiful women in their long gowns and being sought out by men for conversation and how they talked to each other so confident and radiant. All of the sudden I started crying uncontrollably and experienced a level of depression not seen since my pre transition days (even then I never cried or showed any emotions). I was suddenly aware of just how old I was and how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years, dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am. This experience floored me and I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I really am just numb and have no idea how to get past this feeling of utter depression and sadness. I suppose I was do a negative transitional experience, but I at least I thought I would see it coming. I am still moving forward with transition, but I feel hollow inside now and hope this doesn't last. I always try to "rub some dirt on it" and get back up, but I cant even get my balance now as the ground was shaken up under me. Any help you can give or guidance would be really appreciated even if it means smacking me in the head and saying "get over it". I just feel really, well, I don't know how I feel. Sorry to bother you all when your problems and lives are far more difficult than mine. I feel so selfish asking for help.

Jessica, I haven't read through the thread yet. But how you're feeling makes perfect sense as most of us have some regrets missing out on the full experience of being our genders. This is probably more potent for trans women as the first part of a woman's life is far more celebrated than a man's. All the girlhood stuff, young womanhood stuff - far much more is made of this than the same period for a male. It's part society and part nature that this is the case. Though it undoubtedly was very welcome in the pre-birth control eras, nature has created a kind of an age demarcation line for women. Both a blessing and a curse. Men don't have such a clear line and aren't valued for their looks, so don't worry about age or life stage as much. Odd how women would be so concerned with their age and birthdays when they live longer than men! But that's how nature designed.

So what once would have been a very welcome stage for women who had to endure pregnancy after pregnancy and relentless male pursuit has become less kind in our modern times. Women are getting married and having children later making age and time an issue more than it was before. The divorce rate also has women looking for partners at much later ages than before. But the mature woman was never designed to compete with the young and nubile for men (who are designed to mate with the most fertile partners). 

Where does this leave trans women who never had the chance to be young and nubile? With probably double the sorrow a post-menopausal cis woman has. Many trans women have expressed the same sorrow over the years here. It's only natural and expected. I think the best thing to do is accept this sorrow as natural and part of nature's and society's design for women. Being trans adds an extra painful element to it no doubt - but many cis women your age are also feeling displaced in modern society's confusing role for mature women.
Ironically, women's lib has kind of erased the role mature women once occupied. And women are kind of left floating in a culture which expects them only to be decoration. The world is still run by men, who of course are designed to place interest only in the most fertile - young 'hot' women, mostly under 25.

Not sure if this helps or hurts. But I will say all this bothers me too as someone raised a woman. As someone who was once a young,
hot' woman I will say that the whole experience is wasted on the young. And being trans no doubt tainted my perception. But yes, being young and hot is the most power a woman will ever have in this world. Sort of equivalent to being CEO of a fortune 500 company for a man. Only much more fleeting and less fulfilling. So, yes coming into womanhood late you're missing the most celebrated part. But it doesn't have to be the best part. Or the most fulfilling part. What a woman really brings to this world is her heart. Her nature. And that lasts much longer than her looks. Her heart, her wisdom, her love, her maturity - the human race would have never survived without her. And not just because of her womb. No matter your life stage, you still have time to be the best of woman.

Thanks FA! It is nice so many people understand what I felt last night. I mean not nice, but I thought I was all alone with the feelings I was having. I do know there are great years ahead and I will not waste a one of them wallowing in regret or what might have been's. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:47:53 PM
Thanks FA! It is nice so many people understand what I felt last night. I mean not nice, but I thought I was all alone with the feelings I was having. I do know there are great years ahead and I will not waste a one of them wallowing in regret or what might have been's. 

That's great! And yes, I do. I think most people born female could sympathize with this feeling, even if we don't have it to the same extent. For one thing, perfection (along with youth and beauty) is pushed upon females in a way it isn't for males. We as a culture just accept that males have flaws. We don't really accept that women do.

<Gives Jessica the hug she needs today. BIG HUG> 

I think most of us wish we could of some magical fairy godmother would come to us and allow us to live our life as our proper selves from a young age so we can experience all the highs and lows life brings us. However (taking off my literal rose coloured glasses, and puts on a pair of jaded cynical ones). Your former occupation was one where we could legitametly call you one of lifes true heroes. How are you to know that that would occur if fate hadn't delt you the unfortuate y chromosome. What if is a sad and sometimes dangerous game to play

Don't be worried about people looking at you negatively for asking for help
"No man is a island, Entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main"
(No Man Is An Island by John Donne

Thats what we are all here for right in good times and bad

I know exactly what you are feeling Jessica - i've been there myself. It seems like this woman thing comes with these sudden bursts of emotions that we don't yet know how to handle. Bit that's OK because we will eventually learn to deal with them just like other women do.

You are probably the most bubbly person on this site and I always, always love the positive vibe that I get from you. It makes me smile.

As far as your lost past - that's true - there is nothing that can be done about that now, but you still can do something about your future. You did have a very interesting past and you can be proud of the countless lives that you saved in your job, which is something that most women can't say.

You got to womanhood but you just took a different route. I know that it's hard sometimes when you begin to consider "what if", but yesterday is over your shoulder and the future lies ahead of you - who knows what the future holds? I know that even though i lost 51 years living in the wrong role the rest of my life won't be that way and I'm looking forward to my future with very little regret for the past.

I hope and think that this funk will pass and you'll be back to your old self soon.

Take care-
~Eva

Thank you for posting this thread Jessica. Just when I was feeling invulnerable, I had a similar experience last night. I needed this too!

Hugs!!!

Hey Jessica,

I read your thread earlier in the day and wanted to say a few things.  However, I don't feel I can really offer anything substantial or more informative than what has been said.  What I do want to say is that you shouldn't apologize for opening up.  You are no lesser than anyone here and your struggles deserve to be shared as well.  Please don't feel like you have to be strong for others and not expose your vulnerable side when needed.  You are human.  You will have ups and downs.  And you know what, that's okay.  Please don't feel like you have to consistently be there for everyone else but not yourself.  It's not fair to you.  I don't know.  It's just you were apologizing so much for opening up when there was no need to.  I just want you to know that you don't have to avoid talking about your own problems in order to be there for others.

Jessica I feel for you. I know I haven't answered much but I've read many of your posts and they've been an inspiration to me. I offer you a big big hug and please know as a middle aged transitioner I know how you feel. I've known I was a girl since I was a kid, and every time I think about all those years I've waisted putting off my transition for one reason or another just to keep other people happy. Ilost the best years of my life to misery and every time I dwell on it it sends me into a funk. Just know that we know how you feel and you are a beutiful woman. You can rock any gown you put on girl! Just know we're here for you. And for all the inspiration your post have given me, hugs, hugs hugs to ya!

Jessica,

You have helped so many people here, including myself.  To be honest I was starting to think that you were bullet proof or something.  In reality no human is, especially human beings like us.  I know that I am not alone in saying that you are an inspiration and seeing you when you are vulnerable only adds to your humanity and makes you special.  This is what we all love about you, that you are not afraid to be human.  I can see your awesome personality shine through the computer screen every time you type a word and every time you helped me and so many other people here and probably offline as well.  Jessica, you are wonderful and it would be a shame if some of that was lost because you lived your life as a female and had all those experiences that CIS females have.  Right now you are strong, beautiful, caring, and brave because of the experiences you have had.

You are great and I hope you remember that despite of all the stuff we missed out on.  A million hugs from Lara.

We all experienced remorse for not having the life of a little girl, an awkward teen, a blossoming young woman, and then the love, sex and childbirth to complete a cycle of life.  But that ended as our transitions progressed. You're already incredibly happy with yourself, so you just need to mourn that life you never had and get past it.  Yes, it's called mourning for the girl you should have been, letting her go, and becoming whole in your own being. 

Yes this hurts, and I never thought I'd go through it when I started HRT, but it hit me like a brick.  I wished I had everything, and half my daydreams wandered into having those pieces of life that never were.  Yet those dreams no longer come to me, and I don't think I could even conjure one up (at least not with intensity of meaning.)

I spent yesterday walking around SF at Fisherman's Warf and the Maritime Museum.  I saw a few younger women who made me admire their great looks, bodies, or the girlish and childlike approach to the things they were doing.  And that's all that happened in my mind, I admired them.  There was no envy or jealousy, and having missed that type of life experience never crossed my mind until I began typing this.  But it's so odd for me to even think about it, because I no longer seem to care. 

You'll get to this point.  It just happens as you become the woman you truly are, and grow into the authentic life you've been given the opportunity to live.   

Hugs girl.  And as for crying ... sometimes we think we're above crying about some stuff.  Then it happens. 

Hugs from Satinjoy... I get really jealous of the cis girls, have to focus on if I have helped anyone and then do a gratitude list.  I thought you transitioned long ago and am surprised I am longer on HRT than you.  Doesn't matter, but your insights are usually very sharp.

The old saying, it takes what it takes, it happens when it happens, you get what you get,,,  and for us there is a lot of hope and a lot of emotion to roll through.  All kinds of emotion.

Know you have helped me, more than once.  It'll pass.  And I think we need to mourn what we mourn, let it pass though us like the wind, and then move on and set sail towards the sunrise, which will be beautiful.

Quote from: kathyk on April 06, 2014, 10:14:11 AM
Hugs girl.  And as for crying ... sometimes we think we're above crying about some stuff.  Then it happens. 

As boys we were taught the famous "Big boys don't cry"... I say rubbish! I'm a total sap... I cry at movies, sad stories, if it has any emotional value there I am balling like a little school girl. Happy or sad, I tend to tear up at the drop of a hat. Even as a guy I did it. As I have said before, "Tears are the water on the Wheatstone of life" and I truly believe that. Now that I have finally accepted who I am, I am glad I never was able to block those emotions as some guys did.

As women, it is much more acceptable to cry and almost expected. I kind of like the idea that I can let it out without having to buck up and do the male ego thing. (YUCK) I know I feel much better after I cry about something, and welcome it as it to be a release.

I've not been here long but I read your posts and have massive respect for you. Sorry to hear you had a down day; for some reason it resonates with me. Like whenever I see my mum upset. I'd give her a hug, so I'm giving you the same
Hope you're back on your feet and being awesome again in no time.

First, a BIG thank you to everyone for their replies, caring and genuine love! I feel even closer to all of you than before and I didn't think that was possible. The outpouring of support and concern has me crying my little eyes out right now and you know what? It feels good to let it out after bottling in up for so, so long. My whole career and life was about keeping a certain demeanor and being the calmest one in the room at all times, no matter how bad things were. Transition has given me plenty of new feelings and changes I am not used to such as expressing myself and showing emotions. I think being new to all of them is why occasionally I fall apart so badly. I am simply not used to being out of control emotions wise. I have to admit it is a little frightening at times, but I wouldn't trade them for anything as it is so nice not to have to confine them anymore. It feels good to be a real functional human being and that is the biggest reason I know my journey into transition is the correct path in my life. I now also know that I could not come close to success without all of you. I humbly thank all of you for your caring, wisdom, love and the pain you may experience yourself by telling your stories to help me. It means more than you could ever know. Anytime I can help any one of you please don't hesitate to ask and I will do what I can. Together we will all succeed and be who we were meant to be, thriving happy people who are comfortable in their own skin and full of life! Again, THANKS!!!