I upset a girl today in work. I didn't mean to, I thought we were all joking but she took what I said really personally. I don't think I was in the wrong, and they've all been winding me up for weeks. I want to apologise as we left it on a really bitter note today, and I want to clear the air, but I don't think I did anything wrong and feel she should apologise to me. I'm sick of being a pushover. Do you think I should apologise because I value our friendship, or leave it until I see her next and see how things are?

depends on the situation tbh. from what you've said though, if you care more about your friendship, it's easier to forgive then keep fighting. you'll realize you aren't being a "push over" but some things are more important than your ego. there's a difference between being a push over and valuing a friendship or even a relationship more. if you could go into more detail, i'm sure we can help you better.

If I wasn't close to her I probably wouldn't bother. but if she was someone whose friendship I valued, I'd probably say something along the lines of "I realize that what I said yesterday upset you. That wasn't my intention and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." I am a little confused though, because you said you didn't mean to offend her, but then you say they have been winding you up, and that you're tired of being a pushover, which sort of implies that you *did* mean to say whatever it was that offended her. If you didn't mean to upset her, or if she wasn't part of the group that's been winding you up, then an apology doesn't make you a pushover. We all say things that accidentally offend another at some point and it's an honest mistake.

However, if it was a response to something she's been doing to upset you, then you could still find a middle ground between giving her an apology/keeping the peace and also standing up for yourself. You could apologize, but also say something like "I have to be honest though, part of it was in response to X which has been happening over the past few weeks. I didn't say anything back then, but it's been bothering me and I just wanted you to know."

I realise my post was a little vague. They've been implying that I'm ugly, and im second best to every other guy in work, saying that I am going to get fired and doing little things to wind me up. Today me and some colleagues were joking that somebody had moved one of her drinks in the staff room (they hadnt, nobody had touched her stuff, we were joking with her). Everybody found it funny and several other people joined in, but she only got angry at me. She was saying she was going to hit me and not to look at her. It was a joke,  maybe it wasn't funny but it was lighthearted and we often all have jokes like that.

Hmm. Well, it's hard to confront when people imply things as it's hard to know exactly what they are trying to say. Honestly that's not my strength, it's my weakness. But I don't think it would make you a pushover to apologize to her. Given what you've described she was clearly very upset. Just tell her it was a joke and you didn't mean to offend her at all.

I wonder why she was only really mad at you, though. Maybe she thinks of you as someone who wouldn't do something that she perceived as offensive?

I want to apologise, but my ego is telling me not to because she always offends me and never apologises. It feels like its ok for her to do things but not me. Last time I text her to apologise about something, she told other people in work and they laughed, so I feel stupid if I do it again.

I don't know why she was mad at only me. When she realised I was annoyed, she tried to talk to me again but I was really short because I couldn't handle it.

Oh, well, screw her then lol. If she didn't accept your last apology and was rude about it, by laughing at you with others, don't make the same mistake twice. I assumed this was the first time something like this happened and that otherwise she was fairly nice to you. In that case I would just leave it and let her get over it.

She shouldn't dish it if she can't take it, tbh.

Some people can dish it out but can't take it themselves. It doesn't sound like you were being offensive, you weren't putting her down...so what's her problem?

Years ago a colleague went into an apocalyptic rage because of some light hearted banter, it had been OK previously but for some bizarre reason not that time. Personally I thought it was stupid and confected but I apologised, she accepted and we moved on - but I decided that banter with her was off limits from that point on.

Quote from: Joe. on April 04, 2014, 05:57:40 PM
I realise my post was a little vague. They've been implying that I'm ugly, and im second best to every other guy in work, saying that I am going to get fired and doing little things to wind me up. Today me and some colleagues were joking that somebody had moved one of her drinks in the staff room (they hadnt, nobody had touched her stuff, we were joking with her). Everybody found it funny and several other people joined in, but she only got angry at me. She was saying she was going to hit me and not to look at her. It was a joke,  maybe it wasn't funny but it was lighthearted and we often all have jokes like that.

These are adults at a workplace?  For a moment, I thought it was highschool - made more sense.

Anyway, if you didn't mean to hurt her feelings and you care - apologise, or at least clear the air and explain you had no ill will towards her or nasty intentions.

If you don't care, don't bother.

There's a guy at work who everyone gives banter to, he often gets into a rage about it, but then forgives them. But even if I make some comment that's completely harmless and lighthearted (I once started arguing with a pen and he took it personally...) he flips out immediately. People work in strange ways and sometimes its best to just move on and let them get angry over things. It hurts them more than you should let it hurt you.

If you want to say something to her then go for it, but don't lose sleep over it. I'd just say something like, "I obviously upset you the other day, I didn't mean to, I thought we were all having a laugh and a joke. Don't take it personally." If she's not acting like she remembers I wouldn't bring it up again though.

Perhaps she only got angry at you because she trusted you? Or she likes you? Either way, If she was angry, you should apologize. In person, preferably in the presence of the other people involved. Why? This is at work, and it would show everyone that you're a decent human being who cares and does the right thing, even if other people do not. Plus, you want witnesses to the actual apology, especially if she twisted a text around to make you look silly before.

Following this, I would not joke with her any more. And perhaps discourage other people from picking on her, too. It sounds like y'all made her reach her breaking point, and that's no longer fun.

If she always offends you and never apologizes, she doesn't deserve an apology. If she can't treat you like an equal, she is not worth it.

I apologised (by text again because she isn't in work this week so I won't see her) and I didn't get a reply. And now everyone has been invited to go out, but not me. Isn't life great?

From what you've described they sound like a pretty immature group (someone mentioned it sounding like high school, and it totally does). I wouldn't invest much energy into these people beyond showing up at work and doing your job. You don't need them in your life.

If you can't take it, don't dish it. She sounds particularly immature by making you apologize first...and then just not answering. After that treatment, I wouldn't give a !@#$ how she feels, since she certainly doesn't appear to care about yours (she might make a show of it later but just you watch, it'll happen again.)

I can take it though, that's why I dish it. We all joke most of the time, but this time she took it personally and now it feels like they've all turned against me.

People get butt hurt over stupid things. They don't want to talk to you, fine. Let them act like kids. But dang, this does sound like high school drama. No where I've ever worked was like that.  My advice is to just let it roll off your back. No point in letting it bother you. In a week they probably forget about whatever happened.