So after yet another sleepless night, I thought that it's about time I started posting here!

My name is Caitlin and I've been lurking here since August last year, pretty much since I realised the fact that I'm transgender. I'm 22 and from the UK, and have had some inkling that I wasn't cis since I was 15 but suppressed it until now. After having pushed this part of me to the back of my mind for the last seven years, I reached a crisis point midway through last year where I became apathetic and lost all motivation to do anything. I had just graduated from university, and while my friends were all pursuing their newly started careers, I was just lounging around without being able to motivate myself to do the same.

I lost interest in my hobbies, in particular video games, which I believe triggered me to seriously start thinking about being transgender and the possibility of transitioning. Upon thinking about it, everything started fitting into place: why I was so self-conscious and hated my body, why I didn't care about my appearance, why I wasn't interested in sex etc. As I stopped playing video games, my gender dysphoria hit me in full force and I came to the realisation that for the last seven years I had been using them as an outlet for suppressed gender expression. Various other 'abnormalities' (for want of a better word) with my experiences growing up, even from well before I ever started thinking I was anything other than a boy, suddenly started making sense.

Over the last eight months I've basically been trying to get over my own internalised transphobia and consider my options for the future. Eventually last month, after some pretty unsatisfactory counselling with a supposed gender identity specialist, I came to the conclusion that transitioning is something that I have to do. Every day the desire to do something becomes stronger, so I'm planning on going to my GP sometime this month to discuss these issues.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm looking forward to becoming a member of this community!

*huggles*

I'm glad you finally decided to stop lurking and officially join the family, little sister.

Hey Caitlin! I'm new here as well but welcome anyway ^^ hehe. I started posting here after sleepless nights as well, it really helps to talk about it. It's interesting hearing you say that you use/used video games to express your gender, as I did the same thing. I preferred playing female characters, and in RPG's ALWAYS created a female character to play as because it 'felt right', and yet I was in denial about my gender dysphoria until only recently. 

If you don't mind me asking, why was the gender specialist unsatisfactory? I'm probably going to start seeing one soon and was curious as to the experience.

~Nattie

Quote from: Pikachu on April 02, 2014, 12:46:41 AM
*huggles*

I'm glad you finally decided to stop lurking and officially join the family, little sister.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Quote from: Nattie on April 02, 2014, 03:31:35 AM
Hey Caitlin! I'm new here as well but welcome anyway ^^ hehe. I started posting here after sleepless nights as well, it really helps to talk about it. It's interesting hearing you say that you use/used video games to express your gender, as I did the same thing. I preferred playing female characters, and in RPG's ALWAYS created a female character to play as because it 'felt right', and yet I was in denial about my gender dysphoria until only recently. 

If you don't mind me asking, why was the gender specialist unsatisfactory? I'm probably going to start seeing one soon and was curious as to the experience.

~Nattie

Thank you!

I didn't even realise I was doing it until I began to think about why I could never play a male character in an MMORPG. From what I've read it seems to be a pretty common occurrence amongst trans people.

Unfortunately the counsellor I saw basically tried to push their own views about my gender identity onto me rather than allowing me to explore and understand it myself. Thankfully by disagreeing with their assessment I was able to get a better understanding through my own self-reflection, but the interaction was very unprofessional. I'm pretty sure that my experience isn't the norm however, and if you feel like going to see a gender specialist would help then it's definitely a good idea.

QuoteI didn't even realise I was doing it until I began to think about why I could never play a male character in an MMORPG. From what I've read it seems to be a pretty common occurrence amongst trans people.

Unfortunately the counsellor I saw basically tried to push their own views about my gender identity onto me rather than allowing me to explore and understand it myself. Thankfully by disagreeing with their assessment I was able to get a better understanding through my own self-reflection, but the interaction was very unprofessional. I'm pretty sure that my experience isn't the norm however, and if you feel like going to see a gender specialist would help then it's definitely a good idea.

Hmm, it'd make sense. Because I openly admitted to preferring playing female characters in university in which game design theory was a component, I had a friend who admitted to me that they were trans (not transitioning though) and asked if I was as well. I laughed it off at the time (I was in very severe denial) but perhaps it is a clear indicator. Maybe I shouldn't have been so open about it, but I didn't think much of it at the time.

When all of the feelings came out at once, I thought I needed to see a therapist for certain, as I was going insane, but a week interacting here and doing research and I've become pretty sure that transition is my only option, and that confidence has really pulled back the anxiety and panic. I'm sure I'll need to see one to organize the HRT, but I'm a very self-reflective gal, so I'm not sure how much a therapist could tell me that I don't already know, hehe. 

A big warm welcome to the family Caitlin! I hope you enjoy yourself here and feel supported and loved. If there is anything we can do to help don't be afraid to ask. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like this a LOT), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and make you feel right at home!


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Hey Caitlin, "hugs" and welcome,

I'm at a similar stage (though took me an extra 4 years to figure it out).

Hi Caitlin! Here's a big  from your new sister to welcome you to Susan's. I'm sure after lurking around that you've noticed that you can get a lot of great information form a lot of great people that are going through different stages of their transitions. Nice to have you as a member.

Thank you all for the warm welcome!

I can relate to you so much by reading your post, except that I'm the other way around. I was always the guy on video games because it felt right. I'm also a writer in my spare time and every main character is male. I illustrate, too. No prizes for guessing which gender dominates on paper. I've posted a fair few stories online ... posed as a guy. I signed up to be an amateur editor for young fiction writers ... posed as a guy. It was like the whole time my real identity was dancing around in front of my eyes and I was seeing straight past him. Until one day he slapped me in the face and I realised he IS me.

I'm pleased to meet you, by the way I'm Finn.
And I'm also from the UK. 

Thanks Finn, nice to meet you too! Where in the UK are you from?

Preston, Lancashire, while at uni.
South Staffordshire otherwise.
What about you?

Currently I'm living in Worcester. I graduated from Lancaster University last year though, so was only around 15 mins on the train away!

It's like we just missed each other. Blah. That said, you're only about an hour away from my permanent home...

Yeah I used to get the train to Lancaster via Preston, doesn't take long to get there.