That a girl... Now go iron out that cape...  And your very welcome...

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:24:03 AM
Hi everybody! This post is kind of a first for me of this nature and I am hoping it will not negatively affect your views of me, but here it goes. I have had a relatively easy time of transition and blending into society as a female. I have been upbeat and genuinely happy with how things are progressing and the acceptance level I have had. It has been really smooth sailing, that is, until last night. I was watching a movie and in it people were at a large formal party having a good time and mingling. I found myself staring at all the beautiful women in their long gowns and being sought out by men for conversation and how they talked to each other so confident and radiant. All of the sudden I started crying uncontrollably and experienced a level of depression not seen since my pre transition days (even then I never cried or showed any emotions). I was suddenly aware of just how old I was and how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years,






dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a


child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am. This experience floored me and I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I really am just numb and have no idea how to get past this feeling of utter depression and sadness. I suppose I was do a negative transitional experience, but I at least I thought I would see it coming. I am still moving forward with transition, but I feel hollow inside now and hope this doesn't last. I always try to "rub some dirt on it" and get back up, but I cant even get my balance now as t

he ground was shaken up under me. Any help you can give or guidance would be really appreciated even if it means smacking me in the head and saying "get over it". I just feel really, well, I don't know how I feel. Sorry to bother you all when your problems and lives are far more difficult than mine. I feel so selfish asking for help.

I remember you were the first person to post a response on my intro as a new member to this group. It meant alot. I am the FTM with the wife that is now wanting only a lesbian relationship after being we ME for a long time. I too am older....56 to be exact and always put others first and my job. (I am a detective/Sgt so you can only imagine.) anyway, I too wish I had started all this earlier. It does not seem fair and unless you   

lived it no one can truly identify. I love myself but at times all the sadness and what it's build up. Then the one you trusted and built a life wife pushes you aside. Yes, we did miss out on those younger experiences but I try to look forward with a positive attitude. That is all I can do. I feel for you and all of us. Wish we could just have been born the way we should have or started early on transition as a child/teen with support from our families. That would not have been remotely possible for me back then. I was called a monster by my mother because she thought I was a lesbian and it would ruin our reputation in the city we lived in back
then.  You are a caring person and reading your post shows that. Just think about all that is out there to explore and know you are not alone with all of this.

Quote from: tap13 on April 06, 2014, 11:30:34 AM
(I am a detective/Sgt so you can only imagine.)

Oh yes! I know what that involves and the loooong hours. SOs just love it don't they when we were out 20 hours a day. The hours are what led to both of my divorces. You know, it was always funny to me how people wanted to be with us while we were in uniform, but then they leave because of what it takes to earn the uniform. Strange people!

Jessica a beautiful, confident, brilliant woman wrote this to me once and it truly helped me.

A big warm welcome to the family Christine! Relax and breathe sweetie because you just found the best place to be in your situation. Why? Because all of us here know exactly how you feel right now. You feel confused, scared, embarrassed, guilty and shamed, did I miss any? See, we know you well and we are here now to help guide you through a lot of these feelings with education and compassion. Most all of us have been where you are right now and decided to do what you did, say enough is enough! Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like that a LOT), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family. The information you get here is invaluable because it comes from REAL people just like you at every stage of transition from questioning to Post Op. You will learn the process, what works, what doesn't work and everything in between. Here is a BIG HUG   to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now!

Yes that woman was you.  So I already owe you one HUGE hug so please take two from me. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 06, 2014, 11:19:34 AM
Together we will all succeed and be who we were meant to be, thriving happy people who are comfortable in their own skin and full of life!

See, even facing adversity you still manage to say something inspiring that lifts all our spirits up a little. I thank you Jessica for being who you are, someone very special to us all.

Ally

OK, I have to admit shedding "happy" tears now! I really didn't think I had made such an impact here like this. All of the well wishes, hugs and yes my own words thrown back at me (giggle ) have really pulled me out of the abyss. You all make it hard for a girl to have a bad day or experience and I love you all a bunch! I am so happy I found this great place and count all of you as real family. You have laundered my dirty and depressed outfit bright and shiny new and Cheerleader Jessica is back on the field, just with a longer skirt for the publics sake! I feel renewed and ready to take on the future living for today and not wallowing in "What if Land". I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!

Love you too Sweetie... Glad we could help...

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 07, 2014, 02:45:46 AM
OK, I have to admit shedding "happy" tears now! I really didn't think I had made such an impact here like this. All of the well wishes, hugs and yes my own words thrown back at me (giggle ) have really pulled me out of the abyss. You all make it hard for a girl to have a bad day or experience and I love you all a bunch! I am so happy I found this great place and count all of you as real family. You have laundered my dirty and depressed outfit bright and shiny new and Cheerleader Jessica is back on the field, just with a longer skirt for the publics sake! I feel renewed and ready to take on the future living for today and not wallowing in "What if Land". I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!

So good to hear.  We all love you too.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 07, 2014, 02:45:46 AM
I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!

Glad to hear you've shrugged off that funk! And of course, We All Love You Too as well! Being 49 going on 50 Jess I have those same regrets from time to time, however they've been less frequent since I found this great website full of support and special people like you. I look forward to reading more of your very special posts that have given us all a little extra strength when we've needed it from time to time. YaY! Jess is back!!

Sweet Jess,

I remember when I first posted my first introductory thread on here.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160395.0.html

Needless to say your words that fateful life changing day gave me the power I needed to Come Out.

"I can tell you one thing, the feelings you have now will only get worse as the years go by. You would be amazed how much courage you will find when you are living as the person you are comfortable with. So, as I see it here are your choices. Become the real you and live a happy and well adjusted life full of new discoveries -or- live up to every one else's expectations and always carry this secret living with the pain and confusion. It is YOUR life not everyone else's. If people love and care for you they would not leave you because of transition. A TRUE friend would support you and know you are finally happy and free."

Now thanks to that courage you implanted in me, I'm pretty much out to everybody, EVERYBODY WHO MATTERS. Thanks Jessica.