For a few weeks now, I've not felt very feminine.  To be honest, I'm worried that my foray into femininity might have been a misstep and that it would have been better to keep quiet about my feelings and deal with them alone.

I've already come out to a few people, some family included, and now I feel trapped.  It's like I can't back out now because I've come out and that (to me) is kinda irreversible, but I can't move forward either because I don't feel like that's who I want to become.  So I'm in this odd state of limbo right now.

Did anyone else experience cold feet?  And how did you get past it?

And perhaps a more personal question, are you glad you made the effort to get past your hesitation?  Or are you glad that you gave up and decided that it's easier to say you made a mistake and move on with your life in your original physical gender?

I had those doubts all my life and didn't get the issue resolved until HRT. I would go back and forth every day should I do it or not, so no I personally think this is a normal reaction. I would tell myself all the time this is how I was born, so deal with it. As it started to affect my health and social issue's popped up I knew the change had to happen and the Dysphoria monster vanquished. Running on the right hormones changes everything and you should find these questions diminish greatly and make peace with this issue. Only my opinion and how it worked for me.

I think it's been demonstrated many times on this board that everybody is unique and those who have chosen to transition all have their own schedules.  I don't think this is a race, take your time, this is a big decision.   If people ask what's going on, just tell them you are approaching this process cautiously.  There's nothing wrong with being thoughtful.

One more thing, some people don't identify uniquely as one gender.  Some people find themselves in the middle somewhere.  Like I said everyone is unique.

Good luck 

Frankly, I'd be a lot more worried about someone who did not get "cold-feet". Like how can you not have any sort of second thoughts, or introspective talks to yourself about is this The Right thing, etc.. We are talking major life changes here. A hell of a lot more than moving, getting married, a new job, or even your dinner choice from the menu when you see that totally great looking meal being unveiled 2 tables over.

Going on HRT, really gave me pause, realizing that I was making permanent changes to my body. SRS, with my date rapidly approaching scares me too, because it can't be undone.

It was especially a problem because I was generally happy being a guy, and the idea of becoming a woman, while a secret desire all my life, hadn't really bothered me until I realized I could actually do it.

What got me to do HRT? Realizing that this was my only chance ever to experience having genuine female breasts. I know it sounds silly, but that's what pushed me off the diving board.

Am I glad? Thrilled. The emotional feeling of being female is more wonderful than I dared hope. Breasts are pretty cool, even the A-cup mosquito bites that I've been blessed with. And I am thankful pretty much every minute for the opportunity to live as a woman and be my authentic self.

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago if I ever wanted to go back and be a man.

I answered quickly.

Not for a fraction of a second.

I had the same feelings as you. Should I or should I not? That sort of thing... Am I just a really "macho" female or am I really trans and do I really need to BE male? I just started HRT nearly two months ago and, for me at least, I have been a lot better since I started testosterone. People have even commented that I look better and have been much happier since I started. It's true too. I was at a point of non-functionality and now that I'm on hormones I've been able to function again. I've started feeling better, feeling happier, my confidence has gone through the roof and still growing, I get excited over every little change I notice.

Now my experience isn't your experience and it's the same for everyone. We all go through these things differently. If you need to take extra time to take your first step into transition, or decided it's not for you, only YOU can come to that conclusion. But if you have friends and family who are supportive of you either way don't hesitate to speak up if you decide not to go through with it. Tell them, hey, I've decided not to do it. Or if you do decide to go for it then just take your time.

What I did to ease myself into the decision of do I or don't I was start small. I started wearing boxer shorts, started having friends use male pronouns, "posed" as a guy online, had people start using my "male" name (Kade), and after the year went by I found that this was the right step for me. So give yourself some time, start taking small steps, ease yourself in, see if it's what brings you comfort and happiness, then take the bigger steps as needed.

In the end only you can decide, the rest of us can be here to support you and your decision.

Quote from: __________ on April 05, 2014, 09:11:31 AM
For a few weeks now, I've not felt very feminine.  To be honest, I'm worried that my foray into femininity might have been a misstep and that it would have been better to keep quiet about my feelings and deal with them alone.

I've already come out to a few people, some family included, and now I feel trapped.  It's like I can't back out now because I've come out and that (to me) is kinda irreversible, but I can't move forward either because I don't feel like that's who I want to become.  So I'm in this odd state of limbo right now.

Did anyone else experience cold feet?  And how did you get past it?

And perhaps a more personal question, are you glad you made the effort to get past your hesitation?  Or are you glad that you gave up and decided that it's easier to say you made a mistake and move on with your life in your original physical gender?

When you say "I don't feel like that's who I want to become", what do you mean?  That phrase in itself, which has many different potential meanings or interpretations, can offer you a lot more into your own perspective and hopefully help you find what you want and don't want.

Remember, this really isn't a race.  If you feel that perhaps it's a mistake or something you may not want, there is no shame in taking more time or reconsidering things before going full speed.  Just make sure you are stopping for the right reasons.  For example, I regretted coming out to my sister at first, not because I doubted it, but because it opened up the door for me having to tell my mother and dealing with family fall out. That was something that needed to happen, yet I avoided it because it's difficult.

I know it's corny, but seriously search you heart.  Ask what you really want in your heart and ideal world?  then consider what it may take and all that you may go through to make your ideal world as close to the reality?  Consider what matters most.  This differs from person to person, so I wish you luck in your individual discovery.

I think you need to be sure, as I've read stories of people who convinced themselves of GID and then regretted transitioning. I wouldn't want that for you (or anybody). Personally I know I am a woman, and I identify as one completely, the only cold feet I have is in the transition process itself. It's a fear of never passing, and so maybe I shouldn't even begin the process, but it doesn't change my dysphoria. Luckily HRT is reversible, and I've heard that it doesn't take long while on hormones to 'know' whether you're doing the right thing or not, as you either feel euphoria, or deep panic (from what I've learnt here and elsewhere, not from personal experience). 

From my limited personal experiences, a lot of people don't know for sure, 100% that this is the correct path to take. We talked about this in a support group I went to over the weekend and I have been talking about it with my therapist a bit as well and the conclusion that I take is that sometimes you just have to take a "leap of faith", I quoted that from one of those place idr who. I'm sure there are many people who've known since like 5 that they were in the wrong body and I'm sure there are others who learn it later in life. Everything's not always black and white.

What I'm saying is do your homework first. Talk to people; therapist, friends, family, here. Soul search. Take baby steps, see what works for you. Do what you like, stop what you don't like. Everyone is different, everyone's path is different.

ps. just in case, not trying to start any arguments or anything in case I may offend anyone, I just been dealing with this question quite a bit recently and just wanted to say what I've heard some others say about it. It just seems to me like most everyone here is like 110% sure about things.This is my therapist's quote from today, "it's easy to be 100% sure after the fact but not so easy beforehand". Well something like that.

slow down, take a break. no need to go all the way back to start just because you get cold feet. just take some time to think about it again, or try not thinking about it if that's possible for you. most mistakes can be forgiven, some of the people you've come out to would probably be annoyingly happy if you told them that you were mistaken about being trans. so don't worry about that part when you think about it, you can go back at any time before surgery. will only cost you a little if you've gotten far enough into hrt that you have breast tissue that needs removing in order to be able to take off your shirt in public. anyway, it probably won't be difficult at all to leave the path of transition and take the cisgender road through life.

which means you can take all the time you need to think, get cold feet, get over it (or not), try something different, go slower, take a break, or whatever really. so don't panic.

feeling feminine is probably not part of the definition of "woman". either you are, or you're not, or you both are and aren't or a few other choices as well. it can take some time to find out, but in the end, it's mostly about how you find it most comfortable to live. it could also be a question about body parts that you do or don't want, or hormones that make you feel comfortable or totally stressed out or anxious or other things. it might be worth giving hormones a chance. if you feel less negative with female hormones, then that might be all you need. maybe you don't really think of yourself as one gender or the other, but just need slightly different chemicals in your blood in order to feel comfortable in your own skin.

you won't really know without trying, so think about it for a while more before turning back. starting transition all over again would probably be something of a hassle, so at least think about trying stuff just to see if anything makes you feel better or less bad or somewhat ok. you can quit any time if you find out that it isn't right for you. or you could find out something rather gender unspecific like, it's less bad than the other choice. some choices aren't between good and bad, there are times when one instead has to choose the lesser evil. maybe you're in that kind of position, for all that you know right now.

but no matter what you find out, the easier cisgender road is always open. most people would be happy or relieved to see you back on it. and many of us here would rather see you happy than stick to a bad choice out of a sense of responsibility. for my part, you'd be welcome to leave and come back as many times as you need. don't let the pressure of other people's expectations (or what you think they are) cloud your vision. only you can ever figure out who you really are, if that takes some trying and failing, that's ok too.

Thanks for the advice.  Very helpful, all of you.

I think slow progress is the best option for me.  One step at a time, and stopping when I feel comfortable and balanced, whether that's just lots more therapy, hormones, or going the distance and becoming as close to 100% stealth female as I can be.  But I'll start with lots more therapy...

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:19:26 AM
Thanks for the advice.  Very helpful, all of you.

I think slow progress is the best option for me.  One step at a time, and stopping when I feel comfortable and balanced, whether that's just lots more therapy, hormones, or going the distance and becoming as close to 100% stealth female as I can be.  But I'll start with lots more therapy...

Yes, it's a marathon, not a sprint.  I believe 100% in taking baby steps and not taking the next one until it feels 100% right to do so.   You sound like you know how to avoid the recipe for regret and disaster.

Taking it slowly and recognising that you and only you can determine what is best for you is important.  If you are prescribed low dose hrt it will likely remove much if not all of the dysphoria and allow you to work with your therapist and choose your path.  It's ok being tg and non binary is a legitimate choice and destination.  You may find slow but thoughtful progress may be akin to adolescence in that you may slowly evolve into a woman or evolve into and embrace a non binary result which is uniquely yours.

I think that telling your closest friends is a good idea but be clear with them as to where you are and what you identify with or understand yourself to be.   I have been very clear with friends that I am tg and that it does not necessarily mean that I will be ts.  Once they understood this they seemed to accept the emotional, minor physical and presentation changes that followed and have been supportive of the slow and carefully chosen path that I have chosen to follow.

Safe travels

Aisla

Slow and steady is how I am approaching the process. I do not know the end but I know I am past the beginning, hugs.

Everything is reversible except surgery! I got cold feet ten years into HRT and quit for two years, got a Gi Joe haircut, pulled my ear piercings and let the holes grow shut and told everyone I'd come out to that it had been a mistake and that I had been a nut case. Unfortunately I was unable to stick to my guns because I had previously had an orchiectomy and after a failed attempt to get used to injectable testosterone and then pelletized T, I conceded that I was too far gone and couldn't go back on testosterone again and went back on female HRT and live as androgyne. Best to make up your mind before any slicing and dicing!

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:19:26 AM
Thanks for the advice.  Very helpful, all of you.

I think slow progress is the best option for me.  One step at a time, and stopping when I feel comfortable and balanced, whether that's just lots more therapy, hormones, or going the distance and becoming as close to 100% stealth female as I can be.  But I'll start with lots more therapy...

There is no shame in taking things one step at a time if that's what you feel is best for you.  Remember, we all have our own paths and that's not a bad thing.