I am so glad it is Thursday and I am seeing my therapist today... It's been a really up and down roller coaster ride this week. I don't know if my emotions are just fluctuating or I need to think about seeing the doc and getting my anti-depressants changed.

Monday was a great day as I had a great transgender group, but the rest of the week it seemed as though I have been  doing the "What if's and WTF am I doing."  I mean I am a reasonably intelligent person who knew going into this there would be times like this, but this week was exceptionally a rough one. I also know that this is something that isn't going to go away by stuffing it as I have done for the last 45 years. Anyway, I just thought I'd share my thoughts and would like to know how you ladies deal with weeks like this.

Hey girlfriend,
I remember to breathe.  Just to breathe intentionally and deeply calms me.  Transition has freed me from one tyranny, and I do not need to succumb to a new one.  Neither of us has made a mistake becoming our authentic selves, and neither of us is alone.  I am available, and so are a wealth of smart women who are casting off the chrysalis and emerging into the beauty which is our long delayed birthright.
Hugs,
Julie

Quote from: Veronica M on April 10, 2014, 08:46:46 AM
, I just thought I'd share my thoughts and would like to know how you ladies deal with weeks like this.

I try to step back and see the perturbations as just a little noise that is annoying but which will pass.  I know that those moments of "what am I doing?" do hit me from time to time, but they pass once a little quiet returns. 

Still, I totally sympathise Veronica. It would be great to be in the plain sailing part of the ocean.  It will come.

Hugs
J

Quote from: Veronica M on April 10, 2014, 08:46:46 AM
Anyway, I just thought I'd share my thoughts and would like to know how you ladies deal with weeks like this.

I can be my own best friend. I can talk to myself the way I would to my best friend if she came to me with those concerns. I can listen (sometimes it helps if I write them down), reassure myself I have more than enough courage to get through it all. I can remind myself that challenge is what makes life worthwhile, and nothing worth gaining comes without risk or pain. I can give myself a hug (and a hot shower, cup of tea, an hour with a good book, music, quiet walk, whatever helps me feel true to myself).

Good luck and hugs, Veronica. I hope this helps.

I have those same feelings from time to time Veronica; I'd guess that we all do. They usually hit when other stuff is happening; when I'm under stress or I'm tired or I have too much going on.

I treat these feelings as a symptom that I need to get away from what is bothering me. It can be as simple as listening to music, taking a long walk, reading a book - whatever it takes to nourish and refresh my being. Sleep helps too.

What also helps is knowing that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities, and I'm leaving my worries and stresses in today.

Thank you everyone for your responses... As I said, I knew this was not always going to be a bed of roses, but it helps to know that others here sometimes get a little down also. I think it is more at this point I am stuck in this double life so to speak. This in time will change of course, but never the less, it still is hard to deal with sometimes.

Quote from: Veronica M on April 10, 2014, 10:32:12 AM
I think it is more at this point I am stuck in this double life so to speak. This in time will change of course, but never the less, it still is hard to deal with sometimes.

Heavens girl, do I KNOW how you feel here!!!  I spend the weekend blissfully happy in girl mode, and then have to drag my sorry ass into boy mode for work, and then back again after work.  That sound similar?   A few weeks ago, for the first time in my life, I found myself viewing my suits with disgust.  But for now we must continue... and I guess that, like everything, it gets easier...

Big hugs...!
J

I know what you mean, double life.

I do know, there are times I am really happy now. I just need to increase the happy and decrease the unhappy. Although, that is easier typed than done.

This is coming from a non transitioner so take it for what its worth.

From time to time I find myself wondering wtf am I thinking. I then find things about myself that I am missing out on, I have recently picked up quite a few dresses and a couple of skirts. I don't know why I bought so many, it's not like I have the time or privacy to wear them more then an hour a week but I did and when I can wear them they make me feel right. I picked up breast forms and my only complaint is when I cup them with my hands I only feel the touch with my hands and not the breasts, otherwise they feel right being there. As for my penis I hate it and I wish it were gone, I hate the effects of testosterone on me. I hate having body/facial hair. All these things tell me that I am most likely looking at the right track even if I can't be on that track right now.

Find out the truths about yourself, find out what feels right (even if full transition doesn't feel right at the moment) and focus on that.

Thank you everyone for your warm thought and advice... I was able to talk with my therapist today, and I feel much better about things. I love the fact that I can just blurt it out on the table and then we devise a plan. Bottom line is I was getting caught up in the whole process and got overwhelmed. I mean I know this is right for me and it was my choice to lose weight before starting HRT... But I think I just wanted the transition fairy to come along and go poof... LOL... So we put a plan together today with some benchmarks and were off and running again. If I keep losing weight as I am now it should be about six to eight months and then HRT. I am holding off on the shopping thing as I would be a waist of money at this point but it's tough as I really would like some nice outfits. May have to break down and splurge a little but I'm such a tight wad... Anyway thanks for being there for me... It is greatly appreciated as it make me know I am not alone.

I still have moments of "what the hell am I doing" and "will I ever make it through".  However, I always consider my alternative which is pretty grim.  So yeah, my future as female could be tough and not what I want it to be, but at least I may have a future compared to the other scenario.  Sadly, I keep thinking everything is ging to go horribly and that I'll fail and ultimately just give up with life, but it's better to keep giving things a chance so that I may have a happy life that I want rather than reside to not have one at all.  Oddly enough, that bleak view always get me to continue on trying to fufill something that almost feels like destiny as I don't have much control over my feelings and life in many ways.  In any case, I think things always look harder and more challenging when you are in the early stages of things.  Don't sweat the fact that you have some strugges or difficulities as that is normal. 

Veronica - you can still shop girl! Find yourself a thrift store. For just a few bucks you can buy a lot of clothes, and a few months later when you shrink and they don't fit - donate them back to the thrift store and then buy something else there that fits. You will even find clothes in the thrift store with the price tags still on them because they are new.

Ross has some really cheap stuff too. I picked up a super nice black skirt there for $5, and I also got a nice black fine mesh top WITH a built in cami for $5. I paid $21 at Kohls for a similar top without the cami. The Kolhs top went back LOL......

Thrift stores and Ross's inventory tends to be hit or miss, but hey that's part of the fun!

Quote from: learningtolive on April 10, 2014, 10:42:24 PM
I think things always look harder and more challenging when you are in the early stages of things.

Total words of wisdom there LTL! 

You will get there Veronica, I have full faith in you. I admit even my first two months in Therapy drove me nuts because I couldn't see any progress at all. Then one day, BAM, everything went into warp drive and I could barely hang on to the progress ship.

Quote from: Eva Marie on April 11, 2014, 12:55:29 AM
Veronica - you can still shop girl! Find yourself a thrift store.

Eva, I like the way you think there girl, perhaps a day of shopping would be a big plus... Might get my head in the right place...

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 11, 2014, 01:01:37 AM
You will get there Veronica, I have full faith in you.

Thank you Jessica. You really are an inspiration for me. You and the other ladies here have really helped me to deal with my transition and have made me feel very welcome.