okay so I just cut worse than I ever have. my whole upper thigh is covered in blood atm. I cant even believe this right now I don't know how I got here cutting is stupid and ive always hated blood i don't ->-bleeped-<-ing know what the hell is wrong with me

like right now I don't even know how to deal my mental state is so bad. its like im just shellshocked and im on autopilot. I literally wanted to cut my wrists open so bad in the bathroom but I cant die right now. not like this, I have no control over my life and the person I wana be remembered as will be forgotten..random guys who got ->-bleeped-<-s from me aren't enough to remember, and my mom has threatened multiple times that if I did that she wouldn't respect my gender anymore soo, yeah. my mom doesn't even know about the cutting she always says its not something she could even see me doing and im always like "yeah it's just dumb" to make her think I agree and shes like "its emo isn't it"

it just feels so right seeing my leg all cut up, and the blood and all that. I don't know how to describe it. im just having trouble with everything right now. cutting and starving especially. i cant ->-bleeped-<-in this ->-bleeped-<- anymore guys. im going to be 19 ->-bleeped-<-ing years old the day after tomorrow and it's been nothing but bad..just different kinds of bad really. but all ->-bleeped-<-ing horrible.

I feel such a mixture of things it feels like im on autopilot right now and like playing the part of feeling okay but on the inside im so out of control its not even funny. i just cant handle this right now and im literally losing it. im just afraid everythings gona get worse this way from here. i keep getting offers to be an escort or people telling me i should cam and im soo tempted to when my hair gets longer. im just ->-bleeped-<-ing scared right now.

First of all, *GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*
From what I understand (and correct me if I'm wrong), some people cut and starve themselves because it is something they can control. This seems to be the case with you, yes? Is it possible to try to replace it with another action?
Sorry I'm a little out of my depth with this although I feel/have felt similar before. Do you have a therapist?
There's a quote I really like that I think might fit here.
"And finally, this question: the mystery of who's story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all these things? Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And who holds the key that can set us free? It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"
When you win and know you can win, it's a powerful feeling. It's worth fighting for that power no matter how hard it gets. Don't take my word for it though. Find out for yourself.
(Sorry if this comes across as flippant. I am in no way meaning to make it sound easy. Just trying to be encouraging.)

thanks. Im not really sure why im this way. I just cant believe this is me. ive given up trying to understand my brain because everytime I pull off one layer theres another and another and another and im just giving up that im totally screwed up so whatever. im just so tired all the time.

yeah I have a therapist but I never tell her anything. I don't trust her much cuz she doesn't seem to care but whatever. I may get a new one after my docs change but shes the only trans friendly one for hours so im stuck with her

That sucks. I just figured she might know more about techniques to deal with cutting and stuff.
Different things work for different people. For me, figuring out my brain helps, but I also have an interest in brains and puzzles. I wonder what would work for you?

Hon I'm so sorry that you life has you down. I know a lot about cutting as a former self-harmer as well as dealing with anorexia for most of my younger years. I can only tell you from my own view on why I did those things and how hopefully my experience can help you. Either way *hugs* and if you ever need to talk you have so many friends here.

So as for the cutting, for me it was as Edge said and a way for me to gain control in life. There was a numb feeling mixed with just overwhelming pain. The cutting was something that I could control. I was in charge of that pain. It wasn't anything but mine. That feeling was amazing when I felt like I was nothing. That there was something I created, I made and I could feel. I still have urges when things get bad but I am able to see that there is so much in life that I am able to control. Like art or music anything that I could make and after that pain from cutting wasn't the only thing I could control. As for the starving aside from it being a body issue thing. (Oh how I miss being a 0) was also a way of control but more of a way to keep my body in check since it was betraying me.

You should talk to your therapist though. She might not seem intrested because she doesn't know you. I know it is hard I open up to people. But it will only help you. Oh and clean up your leg. Clean it and apply some neosporne or something. You don't want a scarred up leg I'm sure. Sorry if I came off as all preachy but I just don't like seeing people in pain.

<3 <3 <3  *hugs* <3 <3 <3

Hey Abby,

I really wish I had something of substance to say as I care about you and feel everything you posted, but I'm not the best person to offer mental health advice as I'm sure you're aware.  For what it's worth though, please feel free to vent in my pm box should you ever need an outlet or someone to at least listen.  Sorry you are going through these feelings.

Hi Abby,
I know you don't know me and I really can't offer much help as I also conduct some self destructive behaviors.  Thankfully mostly under control right now.  They are always lurking in the background though.  I understand why I would cut myself it was to mask emotional pain.  I found that for me anyway forcing myself to do something else would help me.  Listening to music while driving, going for a walk, playing a game with my kids, or anything that forced me to not pick up the razor would help.  I don't know if any of those would help you but some sort of activity always helped me to get beyond the first cut so that the second did not happen.  Just know that you are not alone in this and I will be thinking of you because I know how hard it is to stop and also how easy it is to restart.  Best of luck and please accept a hug.