Um hello, and good morning. Well, it's morning here anyway. I'm from Kentucky. I'm 26 years old (but still relatively young by my own standards) and I've been struggling with my identity on and off throughout my life. When I was younger I really didn't know what I was experiencing and haven't been really searching deeply for an identity until a couple years ago. I've read the forums before and found them to extremely helpful but haven't been sure enough of myself or had enough courage to take the plunge and start interacting. But that changes today.
I'm tired of hiding and while I may not yet be ready to entirely stop caring what the world thinks about me. I am ready to start taking the steps that I know in my heart I need to take become a whole person. At this point I don't really hate my male body, for I try not to hate anything. I just really feel like I'm a masked actor, or rather actress, on a stage playing a part and no one can see what's hidden under the mask. Inside I want to jump with joy and experience what an exciting ride life can be, but I am unable to as this character. I just feel hollow when the world, and I, see myself as a male. I am unable to form meaningful relationships in person because of this and I'm sure everyone I meet sees me as a stick in the mud. In written communication however, that's where I truly shine and I can express myself a lot more than I can when speaking face to face.
When I was a kid identity never bothered me because I never really thought about it. Also, it helped that my best friends were girls. I didn't notice the ridiculous categories that people were sorted into, and limited to, until I was thrown into those categories myself. As I went through puberty and aged I got really angry and depressed and didn't know why. I never got any help and no one ever questioned me. I was left to myself and people just assumed I was shy. I never questioned even when I had stray thoughts such as: "If I were a girl I would dress like this." Or, "I wish I were a girl." I just assumed these thoughts came along with being attracted to girls. It also didn't help that I came from a family who's motto seemed to be "don't stand out too much" in other words "be boring and blend in."
Eventually the questioning began with an epiphany. While doing a mindless task (weed eating) I had a sudden realization that things were simple. Everything was easy! And complex things, well they were... they were just a bunch of easy things put together! I could do anything now! I was not limited! I only limited myself! It was a shame that the epiphany came with only a semester or so left of college. For awhile this high was intriguing, but soon I graduated and started boring life again. I was unhappy with my job, the job I had been doing for years, and so I quit it and decided to go back to school this time for computer science. However, that's when reality set in and my identity, or what I thought was identity, became cracked.
As I questioned myself further I began to wonder if school was a waste of time. I fell into the mindset of "nothing matters". I became hollow and sad. I told my girlfriend of my troubles and she supported me and still does. My grades slipped a bit, but I didn't fail. I tried to apply for more student loans, but when summer came I wasn't able to get them because I had too many credit hours, having graduated before. Rather than fight for more loans I accepted it and stopped going to school. Now I needed a job, but didn't have the motivation to get one after all nothing mattered right? I did the minimal to get by such as taking my social security out early. For days on end I didn't do anything. I just laid in my bed and wallowed in self pity.
Fast forward to now I got a job helping out at a quilt shop right below my apartment, as did my girlfriend, and we've been there ever since. We are still struggling to make ends meet but things aren't looking so bleak now. I still am struggling though which is why I decided to introduce myself and tell my story. I'm sick and tired of feeling hollow, like an actress who people see as an actor, of not living up to my potential. I'm ready for a change and to make friends who have and have had similar feelings to mine. I'm ready to hear all of your stories, empathize with your struggles, be a supporter, and help you through your low moments because I've been there and never want to go back.
Oh, and did I mention... I'm curious.
