It matters a lot. Way more than it should probably. To the pointt that I secretly want to die young partly because of it lol

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 01:36:57 PM
It matters a lot. Way more than it should probably. To the pointt that I secretly want to die young partly because of it lol

I'm just happy not to get objects thrown at me walking down the street ,although it's  nice to look good in a great dress.. I love the feel of looking good in a dress , which reminds me I'm over due for splurging on a beautiful dress.

Personal, I would say being beautiful is important to me. I want guys to look at me and find me sexually attractive. I can't explain it, I want their attention and I get cravings for it. Sadly I am a virgin so that might have something to do with it.

I suppose it depends on how you define beauty. If you mean beautiful in a tikkun olam sort of way, then yes, it is important that I see myself as someone who is interested in social justice and who behaves in a responsible way to the planet. Sometimes, I fall short.

If you mean physical beauty in a Jenna Talackova sort of way, well, that eats at me a bit. I would love to look like some of the girls I see floating around the campus I work at. I look a lot more like Larry Fine than Mila Kunis, and given that I am 60, I don't realistically expect to attain any degree of "conventional" beauty. That's for younger people, God bless them. That passed me by decades ago. I'm with Stephanie, looking in the mirror and seeing a woman looking back, that will do just fine The rest, as they say, is gravy.

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 01:36:57 PM
It matters a lot. Way more than it should probably. To the pointt that I secretly want to die young partly because of it lol

Abby, live forever if you can! Right now, you are young and rather pretty (no I'm not hitting on you). You have years of being young and pretty ahead of you, but we do age, you know. So. Enjoy your youth, pretty girl, and slowly become a beautiful older woman. Take your time

Quote from: EllieM on April 11, 2014, 02:21:51 PM

Abby, live forever if you can! Right now, you are young and rather pretty (no I'm not hitting on you). You have years of being young and pretty ahead of you, but we do age, you know. So. Enjoy your youth, pretty girl, and slowly become a beautiful older woman. Take your time

Like Kurt Cobain said, better to burn out than to fade away. I can't think  of anything worse than growing old and withering and fading away. I want to be missed and remembered and nottt as an old grandmotherly figure. I want people to miss the way I feel and smell and taste and the way I made them feel. I think it's much more worth while to die when youre young and beautiful and leave people thinking it was too soon and wanting more, than to watch your life crumble before your eyes and die a shell of your former self and have everyone say "oh, it was her time".

^^^ I really hope this is not writing on the wall for you sweetie! No. No. No!

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 02:43:22 PM
Like Kurt Cobain said, better to burn out than to fade away. I can't think  of anything worse than growing old and withering and fading away. I want to be missed and remembered and nottt as an old grandmotherly figure. I want people to miss the way I feel and smell and taste and the way I made them feel. I think it's much more worth while to die when youre young and beautiful and leave people thinking it was too soon and wanting more, than to watch your life crumble before your eyes and die a shell of your former self and have everyone say "oh, it was her time".

well. personally I have too many things I still need to do and experience than to bow down to the grim reaper . But every one has their own view of life and it is your life.

I really, really wish I could say it doesn't matter that much, I know I am a smart person, with lots to offer, and that I shouldn't be defined by my looks.....but I do, I care so much that I do things I would otherwise never do. This has to be my greatest insecurity, because I don't think no matter how much effort I put into it, I will never be able to attain the standard I want to.

But, I guess it comes with the territory right? Some days I find I can get by without obsessing about it, but never for long.

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 11, 2014, 07:21:23 AM
How important is it to you to be beautiful? Do you care only whether you see yourself as beautiful, or do you want others to see you as beautiful also?

I don't care about that at all. As long as I take care of the facial and body hair, brush the hair that is on my head, then I'm fine. I dress like a frumpy slob and I don't waste my time with make up. It doesn't affect my life at all. Not all women worry about dolling themselves up. I see it around here a LOT.

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 02:43:22 PM

Quote from: EllieM on April 11, 2014, 02:21:51 PM

Abby, live forever if you can! Right now, you are young and rather pretty (no I'm not hitting on you). You have years of being young and pretty ahead of you, but we do age, you know. So. Enjoy your youth, pretty girl, and slowly become a beautiful older woman. Take your time

Like Kurt Cobain said, better to burn out than to fade away. I can't think  of anything worse than growing old and withering and fading away. I want to be missed and remembered and nottt as an old grandmotherly figure. I want people to miss the way I feel and smell and taste and the way I made them feel. I think it's much more worth while to die when youre young and beautiful and leave people thinking it was too soon and wanting more, than to watch your life crumble before your eyes and die a shell of your former self and have everyone say "oh, it was her time".

I used to feel something similar when I was younger. Part of it was because I didn't know transition was possible (medically, I mean). I just didn't know how long I could hold out with the dysphoria. And it kind of felt like I was never really going to be alive anyway, because of not being able to be myself. As I got older, the goal post kept moving. First it was, I never wanted to live to be 30. Then around 24 or so, I started seeing how short that was, etc. I still struggle with it. And I think some of it is definitely residual from growing up/living as female. Which is one reason I talk about it so much.

This really inspired me though. Can she believe she's over 70?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh5aW-uMb3Q&list=FLHPL0gFwDN7BqZb7WqKvtAA&index=8

I know a lot of people say similar kind of things. But she was a model when she was young, so I'm sure she got a lot of age crap thrown at her. But she didn't worry about it. And didn't worry that she was too old to start a new career in middle age (and look how successful she was at it, whether you're a fan or not). And I want to get to a place like that, where I can be any age and never think about it. And not hate my birthdays so much I don't even want them acknowledged.

Quote from: FA on April 11, 2014, 03:25:30 PM
Like Kurt Cobain said, better to burn out than to fade away. I can't think  of anything worse than growing old and withering and fading away. I want to be missed and remembered and nottt as an old grandmotherly figure. I want people to miss the way I feel and smell and taste and the way I made them feel. I think it's much more worth while to die when youre young and beautiful and leave people thinking it was too soon and wanting more, than to watch your life crumble before your eyes and die a shell of your former self and have everyone say "oh, it was her time".


I used to feel something similar when I was younger. Part of it was because I didn't know transition was possible (medically, I mean). I just didn't know how long I could hold out with the dysphoria. And it kind of felt like I was never really going to be alive anyway, because of not being able to be myself. As I got older, the goal post kept moving. First it was, I never wanted to live to be 30. Then around 24 or so, I started seeing how short that was, etc. I still struggle with it. And I think some of it is definitely residual from growing up/living as female. Which is one reason I talk about it so much.

This really inspired me though. Can she believe she's over 70?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh5aW-uMb3Q&list=FLHPL0gFwDN7BqZb7WqKvtAA&index=8

I know a lot of people say similar kind of things. But she was a model when she was young, so I'm sure she got a lot of age crap thrown at her. But she didn't worry about it. And didn't worry that she was too old to start a new career in middle age (and look how successful she was at it, whether you're a fan or not). And I want to get to a place like that, where I can be any age and never think about it. And not hate my birthdays so much I don't even want them acknowledged.

I think in Martha's case it also helps when you have more money than god.

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 02:43:22 PM
Like Kurt Cobain said, better to burn out than to fade away. I can't think  of anything worse than growing old and withering and fading away. I want to be missed and remembered and nottt as an old grandmotherly figure. I want people to miss the way I feel and smell and taste and the way I made them feel. I think it's much more worth while to die when youre young and beautiful and leave people thinking it was too soon and wanting more, than to watch your life crumble before your eyes and die a shell of your former self and have everyone say "oh, it was her time".

Well, actually, it was Neil Young's line and he's older than me! Honestly, Abby, I promise I would never steer you wrong, but every minute you are alive, being, learning, doing, you are creating memories, and while you are young, tasting youth, loving and being loved, you are making memories. And as you get older, and your desire for physical passion slowly transitions into the emotional connection you have for the people in your life, you will understand that your life is not crumbling, it is just changing and the change really, well it's just fine. When my mother left us, she was very old. I miss the way she felt and smelled. I miss the way she made me feel. A friend of mine, she's in her nineties, she's a real firecracker. I will miss her terribly when she goes. What I'm trying to tell you, Abby, is this: live fully, enjoy the journey, every step. I know you can't see it now, but you will In the meantime, just continue being fab, and don't fret the clock.

I'm going to have plastic surgery until my ears meet at the back of my head.

Not really.

I'll settle for "not fugly" and unmistakeably female though.

Quote from: EllieM on April 11, 2014, 03:43:59 PM

Well, actually, it was Neil Young's line and he's older than me! Honestly, Abby, I promise I would never steer you wrong, but every minute you are alive, being, learning, doing, you are creating memories, and while you are young, tasting youth, loving and being loved, you are making memories. And as you get older, and your desire for physical passion slowly transitions into the emotional connection you have for the people in your life, you will understand that your life is not crumbling, it is just changing and the change really, well it's just fine. When my mother left us, she was very old. I miss the way she felt and smelled. I miss the way she made me feel. A friend of mine, she's in her nineties, she's a real firecracker. I will miss her terribly when she goes. What I'm trying to tell you, Abby, is this: live fully, enjoy the journey, every step. I know you can't see it now, but you will In the meantime, just continue being fab, and don't fret the clock.

I knew somebody else said it first but I was too lazy too google it, especially cuz in this context Kurt's is more relevant. And I know that's how it works, when you get older your prioritieschange but I really don't want that. I don't ever want to get to the point where I'm okay with that. I know this is really morbid haha so I'll be done derailing the thread.

I guess it partly has to do with the way my life has always felt. I was like 7 when I first started thinking about suicide. A lot of my life has been very objectifying and I put a lot of value in my youth and looks. And people have always said I tempt the devil and stuff like that. I remember one time at a support group a transwoman said she expected to see my name and face in the TDOR one day. Don't remember what I was saying, but yeah.

I just can't see myself being old, especially with the way my life is heading right now. Its morbid I know its just how I feel. But maybe y'all are right though, maybe things will change maybe being older won't always seem so terrible, who knows!

Quote from: Abbyxo on April 11, 2014, 04:04:55 PM
I knew somebody else said it first but I was too lazy too google it, especially cuz in this context Kurt's is more relevant. And I know that's how it works, when you get older your prioritieschange but I really don't want that. I don't ever want to get to the point where I'm okay with that. I know this is really morbid haha so I'll be done derailing the thread.

I guess it partly has to do with the way my life has always felt. I was like 7 when I first started thinking about suicide. A lot of my life has been very objectifying and I put a lot of value in my youth and looks. And people have always said I tempt the devil and stuff like that. I remember one time at a support group a transwoman said she expected to see my name and face in the TDOR one day. Don't remember what I was saying, but yeah.

I just can't see myself being old, especially with the way my life is heading right now. Its morbid I know its just how I feel. But maybe y'all are right though, maybe things will change maybe being older won't always seem so terrible, who knows!

you might not have to worry  about it any way . there is a rumor going around that something  big is about to happen and it could involve human existence.

Abbyxo I'm really saddened.... I might be out of line, but what about your life partner? How do you think they'll feel if they knew you truly believe this? That this radiant point of light in their life will only be temporary. They will want you forever...

I won't lie, I'm a vain person.    Why not be as beautiful as I possible can when I look in the mirror? I tend to look in the mirror a lot nowadays, especially because I was at a starting point where I said "this will never work". Now, I'm so close to reaching my goals. 

Quote from: Evelyn K on April 11, 2014, 04:29:55 PM
Abbyxo I'm really saddened.... I might be out of line, but what about your life partner? How do you think they'll feel if they knew you truly believe this? That this radiant point of light in their life will only be temporary. They will want you forever...

You're really sweet thank you. I guess in a stupid way I would want a guy who would miss me like that but I don't think I'll ever find it. I've sucked a lotta dick but its never been attached to anyone I could see myself loving or loving me. I don't feel very lovable tbh f'ble but not lovable. All I can ever hope for from a guy is obsession not real love.

Last post on this thread, I've derailed it enough with my morbidness, sorryto the OP.

I think with maturity and introspection you'll come to change. I hope so.

You've graced a lot of us. Keep shining!