... I'm having thoughts of ending it all. I'm holding back tears cuss I don't want to cry right now and have lost a good bit of what "care" I had left.. I don't have much of a life at this point, no one to share it with, no friends (Making friends for me, especially in real life is hard due to back stabbing and so much more) and what "life" I have is spent working, watching anime, playing games, being online and, aside from forums, all of it by myself.. Not to mention there's hardly any places I can walk too since I don't have a car atm, don't want to take the bus and waste money/time and even then the mall for window shopping is all I can get too that interests me, plus again, all of it by my lonesome
(And just to get a car and keep it I'd need to get two jobs..) So if I knew for sure I'd never be able to transition in life, I'd probably kill myself. I'm only still going I think because I'm holding out hope of transition, even though I make minimum wage and don't have my GED or any real school experience so, kind of hard to make money and save up for my transition.. Now, I don't want your pity, I'm telling you all this because, I'm hoping that in any of my most darkest hrs, I might think to read here and, stop myself from making a foolish mistake. (Hey, if it saves others then all the better!) So, what got me to feeling this way today? Truth be told, I feel this way at times, usually on a smaller lv. but today, I have my sis to thank for this.. This is what happened.
I just got through sending my sis an email, letting her know she can either fully respect and accept me as her sis/a woman or we won't have a relationship anymore... What triggered all this was, we had a spat on the phone today when I told her I was "o.k" with her calling me by my old name for now but and only because she was accepting of me and because it's a gender neutral name was I "o.k." with it and was willing to give her time to adjust to calling me by my new female only name. (Fyi she has called me her sis, told me she still loves me, seen me with make up and dress/skirt on and has been there for me in times of my need as well as told her BF I'm trans and today I found out she has told her friends I'm trans and my preferred name which I'd been hoping for her to do) Well, she got all defensive and mad and was saying how she doesn't have to call me anything! She further threw insults by saying how I need to look up the definition of respect since me telling her, it's disrespectful to call someone they don't wish to be called is disrespectful and she's saying it's not. Further more, she went on to attack me by saying how me coming out at work and forcing them (Best word I can think of, can't recall the exact word she used) to call me by my female name, gender etc. (Gender, we're still working on...) would have gotten her fired if she tried to do that and how she had to "earn" her job and "prove" she was a hard worker before she could safely try it and hopefully keep her job. (Guessing she was saying now she could start something but before she would have been fired and for me, I'm very lucky but no idea what that had to do with my preferred name besides the preferred name part..) She further added an insult by also saying how what I was doing was either wrong, no law to support what I was doing since what they're doing to me at work isn't discrimination. (Despite her knowing full well I went to the EEOC and HR department and cases regarding trans that won and so on proving her wrong and that it IS discrimination to make someone "conform" to a certain gender) She also added one last insult by saying "I told you I had to go and here you are still talking!" At that point I hung up the phone and started typing up an email to send her and sent it. Fyi, I didn't hear her say she had to go but I "think" I heard her tell me to shut up at one point while I was talking. OH, btw, did I mention me and her haven't talking in a month and she didn't return a call or send an email or give an answer for why she didn't during that whole time and she told me the last month she's been doing good and is fine? Yea... -_- Normally, we butt heads if we talk too much but not a once if we haven't talked for that long a time. And it started out so pleasant too...
Anyway, that's what happened, I am tired of this God forsaken world always judging me and treating me differently.. but to think.. my own sis who accepted me has said and did this crap to me. The back stabber! Now I wait, upset and hurt and worried I'll lose the only person in my life who accepted me and loved me and has had a relationship with me.. T^T Now, one last thing I need to say and I've never told anyone this, I have Autism (Again, I don't want or need your pity) and it's affected me in certain ways, one such way is how I speak to people (Words and tone), I'm not sure how often but, sometimes I can be quite rude. I don't realize it and I didn't mean to be, so maybe I said something that was rude. I did before hand warn her I wasn't sure if what I was about to tell her would come off as rude but it's not meant to be, I think I did a good enough job till she started attacking me... The point is, because of this part of my Autism, it makes it harder to get along with people for me and makes my life harder than it needs to be and also causes trouble, it's partly because of this that I tell myself that, no one would ever want to be with me.
(Another part is that I'm a transgender MtF and I like girls)
Sorry for the long post, I know many didn't read it/all of it because of that and I don't blame you either...
