When I turned 12, I told my mom not to acknowledge my birthday. No cake, no gifts, I didn't want it happen. I think part of it was a trans thing. I was terrified of growing up into something I didn't feel and wanted nothing to do with. Then later, I suppose it took on the kind of significance it often does for women. I don't know if it's female programming or the internal biological clock. Or both. Women have always had to be more concerned with their age than men. Just because of the baby part. The window for settling down and having babies is shorter for them. Even though I didn't want babies, is this still part of it for me? Something in my body or brain?
Then there seems to be added component to age (and of course birthdays) for trans people. I always felt like I was waiting for when I could begin my life. I didn't know about transition in my early life. So each birthday was more painful than next as it dawned on me. This was not a dress rehearsal. This was my life going before my eyes and my being unable to live it. At least not as me.
Then after transition, it can just feel like we lost a lot of time. No matter what age we transition. Missed out on a lot of mile markers. We can feel behind our cis peers. And it can also feel short. Our time as ourselves. Or at least shorter than it should have been. So I often feel cheated by time somehow. And then another element is that every birthday that rolls around and I haven't achieved what I want to achieve. I feel like a failure as well. So birthdays make me feel old, limited, and like a loser every time.
I'm not sure where this all comes in, if other trans people feel this or not. But it all adds up to rage against time and myself.
