I've been following this forum for about two years and I decided to join now. I must thank you all for your posts, this place is a great source of knowledge. I hope this post helps other trans women to accept themselves. I've just come out of the closet and admitted to myself that I am a trans woman. I've been very feminine since I was very young, so many people think I am gay. But I always knew deep inside I am a woman, even though I couldn't actually face it. When I was young I was one scared little girl, very ashamed of my male body so I did my best to burry those feelings and try not to be a girl. I'm in my early 30s now and don't plan to transition, not if I can avoid it, but I know that maybe I won't really have a choice. All my life I tried to compensate for being a trans woman by doing typically "male" things, by trying to be as macho as I could. Of course it didn´t work and I ended up divorced, severely depressed and overweight. I kept asking myself what the hell was wrong with me, until I admitted that I am a woman trying to live as a man. It was like an epiphany to me and it was very difficult to accept but I wish I had come out of the closet many years ago. But I was so scared and alone and trying to meet expectations... And I really thought I could be a boy because my body is male. But the moment I accepted who I really am my whole life made sense and my lifelong depression was gone, just like that. I'm not having suicidal thoughts anymore (always had them, since I was a child) and I actually began to enjoy living, which is new to me and I'm still getting used to it. Well, now I can say that for the first time in my life I like who I am. I am so glad that I'm a woman!

Aylén 

Hey Aylen,

Welcome to Susan's.

Reaver

Our stories are almost carbon copies! I had exactly the same experiences you did as far as work and health issue's. Before starting transition I was on 12 daily meds for things like high blood pressure, blood sugar the whole thing. I have been off of all meds now except for HRT for one year now. When your life finally clicks you know it's right into your heart and soul. After that every day is a good one even with the problems we all face.

Hi Aylén

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hi Aylén! Your story rings true with me as well. I am 26 and just came out to myself about a month ago, even though I've always known deep down. I did the same as you, become overtly macho and did my best to be a man, but it can only take you so far, and it led to depression and health issues for me as well. Since coming out though, I'm the healthiest I've been and am striving to be even healthier before I begin HRT  ^_^ I'm glad you're finding happiness and comfort in the realization that you're a woman. I did the same, it brings Peggy Lee's song to mind haha

Welcome to the forums, Aylén! I've got to say, I can kinda relate as well, but in a bit of a different way. I remember playing a character in a play recently, who was hell to get off the ground. I figured, the way that I would talk or move if I behaved naturally was quite feminine, or at least feminine enough that it wouldn't suit him, so I tried to overcompensate the other direction. It didn't really turn out well, I eventually found some sort of middle ground, so the performance went really well in the end.

Welcome to the forums Aylen, nice to meet you!

Writing my first post was an overwhelming experience, I can´t believe I'm part of Susan's!
It took me a long time and a lot of suffering to accept who I am...  But now I fell that my real life has just begun, I'm happy, confident and true to myself. Coming out of the closet was completely liberating! It's so good to communicate with you people, we understand each other (which is, unfortunately, not so common with cis people) and we have gone through similar ordeals in our lives. It's good to know I'm not alone! 

Thanks for the song Nattie, loved it!


Aylén
(extra homesick today  )

welcome aylen! i'm glad you are feeling much better, i felt great and bad at the same time when i accepted myself, because i knew it was gonna be a long journey, but there are a lot of things at susan's that can help everyone! i hope you can find whatever you need here to make your life better, and if you don't just ask

Quote from: SilverGirl on April 16, 2014, 08:35:30 PM
welcome aylen! i'm glad you are feeling much better, i felt great and bad at the same time when i accepted myself, because i knew it was gonna be a long journey, but there are a lot of things at susan's that can help everyone! i hope you can find whatever you need here to make your life better, and if you don't just ask

Thanks SilverGirl! I know this is gonna be the longest journey in my life and it won't be easy but the most important thing for me right now is that this is the beginning of my *true* life. I can finally live and be happy about it! It's amazing!! Sometimes I think transition will be unavoidable and sometimes I think I can live without it but right now I'm trying not to think about the future, I'm just taking the moment to LIVE and enjoy being myself and being here at Susan's.

Aylén

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 14, 2014, 11:53:34 PM
Our stories are almost carbon copies! I had exactly the same experiences you did as far as work and health issue's. Before starting transition I was on 12 daily meds for things like high blood pressure, blood sugar the whole thing. I have been off of all meds now except for HRT for one year now. When your life finally clicks you know it's right into your heart and soul. After that every day is a good one even with the problems we all face.

I guess you only start living when it clicks, and then you realize that life can be as good as they say, even with the problems and all.

Aylén

A very warm welcome, I'm also in my 30s and only came out about 2 months ago.

Here is to you, feel free to ask any questions or reach out for support, I'm not sure what I would have done without this community, they are amazing.

Hugs and kisses

Quote from: Aylén on April 16, 2014, 09:50:48 PM
I guess you only start living when it clicks, and then you realize that life can be as good as they say, even with the problems and all.

That's the truth my Sister! I feel totally reborn and the last 40 years are just a blurry bad dream. The bad thing is I was a Flight Paramedic and had never heard of Gender Dysphoria or that it could be treated. This family here opened my eyes to a whole new world I never knew existed or even dreamed about.

Quote from: LThesaurus on April 15, 2014, 09:23:04 AM
Welcome to the forums, Aylén! I've got to say, I can kinda relate as well, but in a bit of a different way. I remember playing a character in a play recently, who was hell to get off the ground. I figured, the way that I would talk or move if I behaved naturally was quite feminine, or at least feminine enough that it wouldn't suit him, so I tried to overcompensate the other direction. It didn't really turn out well, I eventually found some sort of middle ground, so the performance went really well in the end.

The problem is that it doesn't seem to work so well in real life. We must be true to ourselves or else waste our whole lives...  I tried to "act" according to expectations but I really can't live my entire life pretending to be a person that I'm not. Accepting myself wasn't easy but it is going pretty well so far 

Aylén

Quote from: antonia on April 16, 2014, 09:55:37 PM
A very warm welcome, I'm also in my 30s and only came out about 2 months ago.

Here is to you, feel free to ask any questions or reach out for support, I'm not sure what I would have done without this community, they are amazing.

Hugs and kisses

Thanks Antonia! It's good to be part of this community. Being here is overwhelming and I still can't believe it. For the first time I can be myself and I'm not alone. You people are amazing!

Aylén

Quote from: Aylén on April 16, 2014, 10:01:49 PM
The problem is that it doesn't seem to work so well in real life. We must be true to ourselves or else waste our whole lives...  I tried to "act" according to expectations but I really can't live my entire life pretending to be a person that I'm not. Accepting myself wasn't easy but it is going pretty well so far 

Aylén

Yeah, exactly. I don't think I can handle expressing myself as male in real life all the time either. In a play, I'm actually okay. In life, all the time, there's only so long you can keep that up judging by all the stories of people who were in denial for a long time. I was barely able to keep it up in the play. I would never wish someone to pretend that they're someone that they're not. Live it up, for sure! Do what you need to do. =)
I'm in a similar sort of position, I NEED to be able to be myself, but at the moment I'm going into acting. I can hardly keep up a permanent image of 'female' really. If I'm cast in something, I need to find a feminine voice, with full range of emotional expression, and be able to project it to fill a huge space. ...ooooor, I could try something like genderfluidity, where I'm just male for parts that call for it, female maybe for other parts that call for that. It depends. I'm still trying to figure out what really fits my circumstances.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 16, 2014, 09:57:05 PM
That's the truth my Sister! I feel totally reborn and the last 40 years are just a blurry bad dream. The bad thing is I was a Flight Paramedic and had never heard of Gender Dysphoria or that it could be treated. This family here opened my eyes to a whole new world I never knew existed or even dreamed about.

In my case, I didn't know the difference between gender identity and sexuality. For a long time I thought I was probably gay because I am a woman deep inside! But there was one catch: I've never been attracted to males, so I never really understood who or what I was! The first time I heard about Gender Identity (and Dysphoria) was about 3 years ago in the news. I started to study the subject and was shocked, in awe, to find that I fitted the descriptions so well. I was finally beginning to understand myself and so my long process of coming out as a trans woman began... I think very few people know what Gender Identity is (as opposed to sexuality) and I wonder how many trans people live their entire lives miserable and depressed because they lack the knowledge to understand themselves. This is one of the reasons why Susan's is so important, you people really make a difference. 

Aylén