So last week I caught an upper respiratory infection which my asthma just took off with and hospitalized me. Now I'm on the mends, I was in friday night and out Sunday evening, but I'm still making a slow recovery which means no chest binder for righ tnow cause it could cause air restriction and I don't need to be back in the hospital right now.... But it's a reminder of the dysphoria when I'm out in public. Like I know it's there regardless, but the chest binder makes me feel better like I can at least disguise it from the rest of the world.

I caught a reflection of myself today and that was just all it took to send me back down that damn rabbit hole of feeling... I felt disgusted with myself, gross, uncomfortable and the dysphoria just smacked me in the face worse than ever. I mean I'm two months on T things have been on the up and up and this happens. I felt like I wanted to throw up over the situation. At least at home when I'm not wearing it (cause lets face it we arent suppose to wear the binders ALL DAY LONG no matter how much I want to), well at least no one else has to know/see and I can feel alright about that. But in public? I felt like.. humiliated like all I was doing was torturing myself and crap. It was horrifying really.

I don't know how I ever managed it up to this point, I really don't. I never felt so gross in my life.

Sorry I just had to rant about it..

So sorry you had to go through that, but I am glad you are doing fine health wise now.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 16, 2014, 03:42:31 PM
So sorry you had to go through that, but I am glad you are doing fine health wise now.

Thanks.. I'm glad to be out of the hospital too and I should just focus on that but that one glimpse in a window and I was just like about to lose my mind. I went spiraling down in depression and garbage and I couldn't get home fast enough because I have to ride a bus everywhere...

I understand totally! I was the same way when I had to take off my breast forms when I had to before "E". It was very confusing and left me in a near panic. You are not alone brother of mine.

Hi Kade1985, I find that when I'm ill or not feeling my best my dysphoria is at its worst. Times like that I can't bare looking in the mirror and I feel like I'm in a real dark hole too. It happened over the weekend and I had to keep telling myself that I was ill and things will get better once it passes. Hope you get well soon!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 16, 2014, 03:50:13 PM
I understand totally! I was the same way when I had to take off my breast forms when I had to before "E". It was very confusing and left me in a near panic. You are not alone brother of mine.

Thanks

Quote from: alenauk on April 16, 2014, 03:57:49 PM
Hi Kade1985, I find that when I'm ill or not feeling my best my dysphoria is at its worst. Times like that I can't bare looking in the mirror and I feel like I'm in a real dark hole too. It happened over the weekend and I had to keep telling myself that I was ill and things will get better once it passes. Hope you get well soon!

Me too thanks. I guess I have one thing to look forward to tomorrow and that's getting to spend the day with my girlfriend. I just hope I can manage a chest binder tomorrow otherwise I might like be in a crappy mood and that would just suck ><