I feel violated.  My wife said my nails look shameful - they are shaped and a quarter inch past the quick.  One is clear coat becuase its half torn off.  But to say that I am embarrassing... because I have women's unpolished nails...

Here is the  thing it feels like bullying if I am forced to cut my nails or pull back from any of the feminizaiton that is occuring.  And when it is suggested.. asked for... insulting without intent to abuse.... I can't do it.  I tell them I am gender dysphoric and I can't do it because it hurts to cut them.

Am I crazy?  Especially trying to live stealth as birth gender and keep my nails anyway?  It would seem like such a little thing, but it is a BIG DEAL for me.  Anyone else react like that?

I know it can make others uncomfortable and I understand that, but I waited 50 YEARS to dare to peak out from under this mask.  To go backwards, is impossible.

Girls this experience gets so painful and so fearful sometimes it is mind boggling.  Then I snap out of it and am ok for extended periods.  I remember when I felt happy for the first time.. real happy... driving down the road on the hormones.  It was incredible.  I CANT BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO ME.  It's like I woke up one morning and WHAM.

So, how would you feel about being forced to sacrifice your nails?  I cannot and will not do it.  It's like, the last straw.

My wife- I forgive.  She stayed.  That was a lot to ask of her and she has seen, often, whats under the bathrobe and not complained.  It's just the nails, I think she thinks I'll be read and she will be outcast in the community.

Sometimes I want to get in the shower and scream my guts out.

I'm just going to give a slightly different perspective. I live in a college town and all the girls there have their nails cut short and painted so its kind of the new style.

I'm into Striesand like nails, 70's style.  Too dysphoric to cut them, looks butch or strange to me cut.  No offense to anyone.  Something symbolic maybe, almost like protest.

I would not like that.  I don't want to be told what to look like, what to wear or how to act.  It's my life and I get to make those decisions.

Your wife has clearly failed to understand the nature of gender dysphoria.  What if she was told that she could never have long nails, long hair, pretty clothes or wear makeup and she had to act like a guy 24/7?  I don't think she'd like it either.  It's the same for MTFs but far worse.

She seems preoccupied about what people will think about her, and that's a big problem that she needs to get over fast.  She is transphobic, and that needs to be addressed and overcome.

Maybe her friends will end up thinking she's pretty defective for not being more supportive.

well my mom says it all the time, which is annoying because her nails are bigger than mine and she knows i'm transgender, but she ignores it

anyway, it is annoying but i have to say i don't mind cutting my nails, they grow up very fast (about 2 or 3 weeks it's already quite big), and i found that i don't like the feeling of the big nails since i like to use computers and game controllers, and the long nails get give me quite an annoying feeling

however, i do love them painted, even if it's subtle nail paint, mostly i just use them short and painted since it's comfortable and pretty :3

well, maybe you should talk to her about it, it is something that you like and it's a way to express your femininity after so much time living in the shadows

I cant type at all without my 1" nails anymore. Totally lost when one breaks!

Take this from someone who has not as yet come out to my SO as given I am not starting HRT for a while yet and I want to have a clear picture of options when that time comes. I myself have totally decided if it does come to being me or losing my SO, I am choosing me. I have told her I am in therapy though. Funny thing is she didn't even ask what I was in therapy for. Her reply was "As long as your not planning to mass murder the family I am cool with that" So I left it at that for the time being. So I suppose there is a little progress there anyway...

Never the less, yes in my humble opinion you are being bullied. She has made it very clear she is not willing to let you be the real you. So bottom line you have to decide are you going to stuff this and have it resurface later, and it will trust me... Or option two, tell her who you are and you are going to be you. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what it boils down to.

For me my fate is pretty well sealed, I am just trying to time it right. Then again who knows. But I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. You see my situation is a little different as after transition I would like a heterosexual relationship with a man. So the best case is I still have a best girl friend out of the deal. 

It's true, short painted nails are in right now.

But, when I was earlier on in transition I didn't care. I wanted those beautiful long nails no matter what even when I was still partially dude-ing. I can't blame you!

That said, if you are trying to live stealth as a male, I don't know how that plays into it. Social norms definitely don't define guys with long nails as normal (maybe on one hand for guitar players?). But really, do you have to play by social norms? I guess that is up to you and your wife.

Being witnessed by other people as your true self is an important aspect of your identity, and not one to be overlooked. That is the whole reason we decide to transition in the first place Discongruence from that = dysphoria

I had really long finger nails until a few days ago. I had to cut it because I started getting the stares. They were so elegant, I miss them. 

Quote from: Jill F on April 16, 2014, 09:21:16 PM
Your wife has clearly failed to understand the nature of gender dysphoria.  What if she was told that she could never have long nails, long hair, pretty clothes or wear makeup and she had to act like a guy 24/7?  I don't think she'd like it either.  It's the same for MTFs but far worse.

She seems preoccupied about what people will think about her, and that's a big problem that she needs to get over fast.  She is transphobic, and that needs to be addressed and overcome.

Maybe her friends will end up thinking she's pretty defective for not being more supportive.

To be fair, if she thought she married a man, it's kinda like buying a cake and then you find out it's made of flavorless gelatin with frosting on top. You'd be kinda annoyed at the people who sold that to you, yah? You might even tell em they do bad business and they should polish it up.

Sorry, I'm dumb, but what I'm saying is that ultimately love relationships are optional and consensual and you have to understand what it would feel like to feel deceived in that. :c

Honestly, I don't care.
Funny things is at work, co-workers have made comments about how long my hair and nails are.
When I was going to cut them.
Yet, every year, we get a 1h lecture about sexual harrassment and comments on my appearance is totally OK?
I just end up telling I'll complain to the HR, we all laugh and change subject.

> Jessica: 1"? Wow. Mine are just 5mm (?" about 1/5 of an inch). But yeah I broke a nail messing with network cables. The world stopped spinning for a couple of seconds. Now I understand why female SE have short nails...

Nails at the right length are very appropriate and useful tools. I like to keep mine about 0.5-1mm long. I haven't done anything to them in almost a year... They are getting thick and healthy again which makes me happy

Having short painted nails is also more comfortable...glad its in now

anyways I always had my nails short I dont see that as something masculine...
and Im sure most people dont either

I experience the same but with my hair being long. I'm living socially as male, pre-HRT but my hair is close to shoulder-length... I'm in the process of moving into another house with my parents, and they try to "negotiate" with me all the time to have it cut, it's like they're embarassed about me moving into the new house with long hair... just so futile.

I hate it because they know who I AM. I can relate to you about this... you already hid and tried to blend in... you're attempting to come out of your shell and that's when people start to push you back in and make you hide when you're finally just trying to be you...

I think the best thing is to be assertive. You won't be helping yourself by being what others expect you to be... just try to find comfort in what makes you happy... it's just... nails? Who cares how anyone does their nails.

I've had long nails since I was 12, usually about 4-6mm. I grew them originally because it was the only girly thing I could do (1963), but I also found that I could sharpen them to a razors edge. One dig into the nearest bully had them backing off pretty quick, yelping in pain  . Hadn't done this since  but I tried it a few weeks ago and ouch.

So, I've had many comments over the years, but I never cared, because it meant people would know that I wasn't the same as them and wouldn't treat me as one of the guys.

If someone asked about them with malice they would get short shrift back.

A genuine query, I told them that I did a lot of intricate stuff and found them useful tools.

Recently though I have been finding short nails much more attractive (1-2mm). Fashion is a funny thing.

Maybe take up the guitar?

I am big on boundaries, and the nails stay.  Only in a hostile environment would I drop them down and even then I would push it to the max.  Actually, I think my wife was revealing her heart, and that's fine, and I am getting a bit bulletproof now.  This is nothing compared to my childhood stuff.  So, I will simply draw my boundary and stick to it, it always has been there anyway and I won't cross it.

Odd that noone at work ever commented on it.  I suspect that they really don't want to piss me off.

I get to push a whole lot at home.  I don't show them full transition - not her anyway - but at night I am in a sexy cami and tappants covered by a nylon nightshirt, and not covered that well.  Always. She sees it and does not complain about that.  And I am one of the lucky folks that still sleeps in my wife's arms.

We are very, very close.  And culturally she was brought up in a very rigid society.  Men drink, work hard,  and women gossip and try to get the men.  Really unheathy programming, but thats the extended family.

Anyway I broke the nail that was hanging in my sleep and I will say that seeing it short is a trigger for me.  I hate it.

If the only problem with her that I have right now is my nails I am being very foolish indeed.  But the nails stay, after time, she will get tired and accept it.  Or tolerate it.

I'll train her a little more with back scratching

So nice to hear from all of you again.   What a difference it makes.

All that  bullying when I was young really screws things up.  Looks like I have more therapy material again.

Satinjoy,

I wouldn't read to much into it. I believe that's just her way of venting (although it can be hurtful if taken to heart)
They are only nails and I'm sure it'll pass (married myself and understand)

She may also be a little jealous cause cis women have thinner nails and they break easier.  Maybe treat her to getting her nails done and pamper her as you transitioñ. Sometimes wives or SO believe we transition because they think we believe they aren't feminine enough for us (which isn't true at all)

Summary... Pamper her and spoil her as you transition and she may be more receptive

I trim the nails on my fingering hand regularly so I don't gouge the fret board or chop the tips of my fingers up while playing guitar, the nails on my picking hand tend to get worn down, a bit misshaped and/or break and end up getting trimmed as well

But if anyone wishes to examine my nails for judgmental reasons, I have a particular finger that I'll be glad to show them 

Any marriage will include limits and boundaries for the people involved. For your wife this nail issue is a boundary that she doesn't want you to cross.

Another part of marriage is compromise and understanding. From what I have seen very few wives are willing to work out compromises or have understanding when it comes to a partner's transgender issues.

You have to decide if her limit about your nails is unacceptable, if you can live with it, or if you can change her mind about it.

My own wife had some hard limits that included never seeing me in female mode and not wanting me to even talk about it. It's one factor among many that played into us being separated now.

Someone above mentioned deceit in regards to marriage. Not all of us know when we get married that we are trans (I sure didn't!) and in our case there is certainly no intention to deceive the person that we are getting married to. When transgender jumps on us later in life it surprises us too. I can understand my wife's viewpoint that she married what she thought was a certain person only to have the rug pulled out from under her, but hey, it was pulled out from under me too.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 16, 2014, 09:29:47 PM
I cant type at all without my 1" nails anymore. Totally lost when one breaks!

wow, can you still use your fingers?