I forgot my toothpaste and brush at the new place, and since we are in the middle of national festivities, everythin's closed until saturday, when stores will open only for a few hours. So I can't buy anything, I don't have mints, chewing gum or whatever, and my mouth feels disgusting after a salad with A LOT of onion. urgh... I frikkin need toothpaste. So in order for my dad to come here tomorrow and bring it in the morning, I had to schedule another packaging round. So not only my mouth stinks, but everything's a mess. Even my hands still reek of onion.

I'm having a really bad day.  Everything seems to trigger me today and I can't stop weeping.  I feel sick to my stomach.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I still have this stupid penis and I really hate it today.  I still have to pad the hell out of my bra and I feel totally fake, like all I am is just an elaborate illusion or delusion or whatever.  Everything around me reminds me of what I was.  I see my birth name still on my checkbook and pictures from my wedding 20 years ago.  Yay, I don't look like that anymore.  I look more like my sister now, and that's great, but I'm not all the way there yet and I wish this whole transition mess was over.  I still have a long way to go, and realizing that depresses me after all the hard work I've already put into transitioning.  I hate doctors and wish I never had to see one ever again, but I know surgeries are in my future and I'm not looking forward to further hospitalization.  I still have nightmares and flashbacks from the week I spent in the hospital a couple of years ago.  Some days I feel pretty tough, but today I feel weak and cowardly.

I feel like in a way I have already died and am still waiting to be truly reborn and now I'm stuck in some kind of limbo, or no man's land, so to speak.  I want to live, to thrive, to celebrate every waking moment that should feel like a gift to me now.  Sometimes I feel like that, but today I don't.  I know I'm rambling, but I'm hurting today and I think just need to curl up with a teddy bear and cry some more.   Being genuine is something I need to be, and I feel like a big fat phony.  I wish I wasn't here alone right now.  I feel like I'm losing my grip again when I thought I had a stranglehold on this.  AAAARRGGHH!!!  I'm a freaking total hypocrite.  Anyway, whatever I ever said around here can just be taken with a fat grain of salt.  I'm the proverbial man behind the curtain, folks.  There's nothing to see.

Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 04:37:50 PM
I'm having a really bad day.  Everything seems to trigger me today and I can't stop weeping.  I feel sick to my stomach.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I still have this stupid penis and I really hate it today.  I still have to pad the hell out of my bra and I feel totally fake, like all I am is just an elaborate illusion or delusion or whatever.  Everything around me reminds me of what I was.  I see my birth name still on my checkbook and pictures from my wedding 20 years ago.  Yay, I don't look like that anymore.  I look more like my sister now, and that's great, but I'm not all the way there yet and I wish this whole transition mess was over.  I still have a long way to go, and realizing that depresses me after all the hard work I've already put into transitioning.  I hate doctors and wish I never had to see one ever again, but I know surgeries are in my future and I'm not looking forward to further hospitalization.  I still have nightmares and flashbacks from the week I spent in the hospital a couple of years ago.  Some days I feel pretty tough, but today I feel weak and cowardly.

I feel like in a way I have already died and am still waiting to be truly reborn and now I'm stuck in some kind of limbo, or no man's land, so to speak.  I want to live, to thrive, to celebrate every waking moment that should feel like a gift to me now.  Sometimes I feel like that, but today I don't.  I know I'm rambling, but I'm hurting today and I think just need to curl up with a teddy bear and cry some more.   Being genuine is something I need to be, and I feel like a big fat phony.  I wish I wasn't here alone right now.  I feel like I'm losing my grip again when I thought I had a stranglehold on this.  AAAARRGGHH!!!  I'm a freaking total hypocrite.  Anyway, whatever I ever said around here can just be taken with a fat grain of salt.  I'm the proverbial man behind the curtain, folks.  There's nothing to see.

Hey Jill baby doll, you're going to be ok it's going to pass, I think you're doing fine sweetie. Every new avatar photo you post shows marked improvement, you're even looking pretty which is more than a lot of us can say, cheer up honey...(((Hugs))) ~Shan~

We burned some rotten hay today but it got a bit out of hand.  My chest was already a bit messed up from doing the bleep test in a binder in a cold damp building on Tuesday, now I can't stop coughing from the amount of smoke I was in for over an hour.  My dad's not going to be happy that we melted the hosepipe either.

Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 05:08:41 PM
Hey Jill baby doll, you're going to be ok it's going to pass, I think you're doing fine sweetie. Every new avatar photo you post shows marked improvement, you're even looking pretty which is more than a lot of us can say, cheer up honey...(((Hugs))) ~Shan~

Thanks Shan,  I may look OK in the avatar, but I feel craptastic.  Is transition fatigue a thing?  I feel exhausted from it today and can see the mountains ahead that I still need to climb.  It's daunting.  I'm here all alone again today with nobody to talk to but all of you and I just want to scream.  I hate being trans today.  I know it's better than being dead, but I don't feel alive today either.  My usual upbeat self is nowhere to be found.

Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 05:35:10 PM
Thanks Shan,  I may look OK in the avatar, but I feel craptastic.  Is transition fatigue a thing?  I feel exhausted from it today and can see the mountains ahead that I still need to climb.  It's daunting.  I'm here all alone again today with nobody to talk to but all of you and I just want to scream.  I hate being trans today.  I know it's better than being dead, but I don't feel alive today either.  My usual upbeat self is nowhere to be found.

A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!

Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 06:43:04 PM
A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!

FA reminded me that I forgot to take my E this morning.  That's the problem with me today.  I just took it, and hopefully I'll be back to my usual self in an hour or two.  I know in my head that I'm all girl and probably will get the whole shebang installed eventually, but I'm glad to have realized what the problem was today.  Thanks for being there for me, Shan!

Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 08:09:42 PM

Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 06:43:04 PM
A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!

FA reminded me that I forgot to take my E this morning.  That's the problem with me today.  I just took it, and hopefully I'll be back to my usual self in an hour or two.  I know in my head that I'm all girl and probably will get the whole shebang installed eventually, but I'm glad to have realized what the problem was today.  Thanks for being there for me, Shan!

Aww well at least i was good for something today!

Quote from: FA on April 17, 2014, 08:21:07 PM
well at least i was good for something today!

Well, I stubbed my toe today. I decided to blame it on you. (Portia agreed that this was the right thing to do)

I've been in a holding pattern for months now and I'm becoming quite depressed. From September to December, things with my SO seemed to be improving. She moved, rather rapidly, from "I'm not sticking around for any kind of transition" to acceptance and support.

Since Christmas, though, things have taken a sharp turn. Support has been systematically replaced by an endless series of efforts to undermine, restrict, and obstruct transition-related activities: insisting that I reduce my dose, refusing to let me dress or wear my wig, belittling and insulting me, categorically refusing to take photographs.

Here's a representative paraphrase: You asked me to take photographs to document your changes. I don't understand why you can't just wear a plain white T-shirt and jeans.

Things really hit home this week when my SO reported that my son no longer "views transgender as a threat because he thinks nothing is likely to actually change."

I need to assert myself and soon. I need to be direct and, quite frankly, the bough may finally break.

Woke up too early. 4 AM is just too early for me!!! Stupid girl, sleep more, relax.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 18, 2014, 03:59:56 AM
Woke up too early. 4 AM is just too early for me!!! Stupid girl, sleep more, relax.

Go to sleep Honey, I'll watch over you, just relax.

Quote from: Cindy on April 18, 2014, 04:04:08 AM
Go to sleep Honey, I'll watch over you, just relax.

What time is it in Australia??? Thanks, I'll try to snooze back to sleep.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 18, 2014, 04:30:00 AM
What time is it in Australia??? Thanks, I'll try to snooze back to sleep.

Just on 7pm. A pizza warming up for dinner

Quote from: Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 18, 2014, 12:14:29 AM
Since Christmas, though, things have taken a sharp turn. Support has been systematically replaced by an endless series of efforts to undermine, restrict, and obstruct transition-related activities: insisting that I reduce my dose, refusing to let me dress or wear my wig, belittling and insulting me, categorically refusing to take photographs.

That sounds really rough. Is she getting any counselling to help her come to terms with your transition?

Quote from: Cindy on April 18, 2014, 04:32:46 AM
Just on 7pm. A pizza warming up for dinner

Cindy, That was so sweet of you girl friend. I did go back to sleep. I hope you pizza was delicious. Please have a great evening. Francis Ann

Nothing distressing, but the compass is pointing towards the male end and I'm feeling boredom rather than the excitement I feel when it points towards the female end.  I'm just distracting myself with music and Hellsing Abridged.

This is nothing major but I just got an urge to bake. Everything that I have to bake (which I was going to play with some fun icing things on cupcakes) needs water. I have bottled water so I can give my dogs and my cat water, but I don't want to use it for cooking so I can save it. (This sounds like a problem to me)

Can't wait for my dad to come home and we fix this leak.

Quote from: ReaverMarcus on April 18, 2014, 10:11:32 AM
This is nothing major but I just got an urge to bake. Everything that I have to bake (which I was going to play with some fun icing things on cupcakes) needs water. I have bottled water so I can give my dogs and my cat water, but I don't want to use it for cooking so I can save it. (This sounds like a problem to me)

Can't wait for my dad to come home and we fix this leak.

Baking is creative, I like to sample but alas usually wind up wearing the results. Btw does my butt look fat in these jeans today? 

Hating life, hating myself.