I know i'm stupid, useless and ugly. I know i whine too much and i f'n repeat myself but what's a loser to do either than complain about how much she sucks. Oh and for everybody who tells me that i'm pretty and i'm ignoring them, i'm not this is just how i'm feeling now and i need to vent, i wish i could tell me head to shut the F up but i can't, i'm just a dirtbag.

I hate myself, i hate who i am, i hate that i'm alone and probably will be for the rest of my life, i hate that i'm too ugly to ever find love. I hate this bi-polar depression i have, from being on top of the world, i can drop to  rock bottom.

I was fine until my mom started to brag about how beautiful she was, and i'm not then goes on the patronize me that men find me attractive, whatever. Sometimes when i have an argument with her, i leave this piece of sh*t studio apartment we live in and go to the rooftop and think about what it would be like if i just jumped off the roof. The building isn't high enough for me to die but maybe if i'm lucky, i would die.

I haven't been able to keep to a friend for very long online or off....hell, offline i don't have any friends since i left the last hellhole of a place.

It's like why the hell do i have to be so ugly, why do i have to be 5'11, i'm not devoted to the teachings of buddha but i would like to believe that when i die, i will be reborn as a beautiful cisgender girl who has lot's of friends and hopefully a boyfriend that loves me and get married eventually and have kids...you know the crap that cisgender people take for granted.

It really sucks to be me, i wouldn't mind my life so much if i was pretty eventhough i'm trans, at least then i know i have some hope in this cold, unfeeling world. I dream what it would be like to lie down and breath my last breathe before i reach peace.

Whatever, nevermind. Like i said tommorow i may not feel the same way i may look at myself and go "You're not so bad, you're pretty" but today i feel like ->-bleeped-<- and if i speak my sadness to the only other person in my life, my "mother" she acts like i commited a great sin and ruined HER day, that i should just be happy and satisfied and not bum her out...damn it all.

Hugs, Donna. I hope it helps to know that I care.

I will read your posts whenever you need to be heard.

Hey are you on meds for the bipolar?

Quote from: sad panda on April 18, 2014, 05:44:09 PM
Hey are you on meds for the bipolar?

Yes

Quote from: Donna Troy on April 18, 2014, 05:51:15 PM
Yes

Is your dose right? I thought it was pretty treatable with meds.

Hugs... I'm borderline (and probably bipolar too, it runs in my family) :/ so chances are my mood has similar problems. It's so hard isn't it.

I guess no one cares about me anymore, guess it's my fault *sigh*. I'm not being sarcastic or anything just bummed that I have no friends.

Quote from: Donna Troy on April 18, 2014, 11:00:06 PM
I guess no one cares about me anymore, guess it's my fault *sigh*. I'm not being sarcastic or anything just bummed that I have no friends.

You've got them here. I know that no matter how many times people tell you you're pretty, you're not going to believe it. Because it's an internal problem you have, not an external one. You have no self esteem. A beautiful girl with zero self esteem. This is pretty common for cis girls too. You need someone, a therapist to help you. Everybody on the planet could tell you you're pretty. and you'd never believe it. Because it's a self esteem problem you've got honey. And it has absolutely nothing to do with your looks.

*GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*

^ And you can have one from me too, Donna.

I understand what you mean but that's not true. If I am told I'm pretty, I do believe if it wasn't for this forum I would still thing I was the ugliest human being (I wasn't very nice looking pre transition trust me). Like I said in my first post I do at times look in the mirror and find myself very pretty but sometimes I see another face, today is one of those days and I had no one to talk to about my feelings so I vented and talked about my feelings the only place I can.

I just need to be reminded that I am not ugly and I'm having temporary Insanity. I really want to be pretty and on my off days when I don't feel pretty I worry that this unattractive face I see is my real face and not the pretty girl everyone says I am

Thanks friends, big hugs back

You really are very beautiful. You're welcome to let out your feelings here any time you need, and as Suzi said, I always read your posts even if I don't know what to say in response.

Quote from: Donna Troy on April 18, 2014, 11:25:02 PM
I understand what you mean but that's not true. If I am told I'm pretty, I do believe if it wasn't for this forum I would still thing I was the ugliest human being (I wasn't very nice looking pre transition trust me). Like I said in my first post I do at times look in the mirror and find myself very pretty but sometimes I see another face, today is one of those days and I had no one to talk to about my feelings so I vented and talked about my feelings the only place I can.

I just need to be reminded that I am not ugly and I'm having temporary Insanity. I really want to be pretty and on my off days when I don't feel pretty I worry that this unattractive face I see is my real face and not the pretty girl everyone says I am

Honey, you look like a princess. But listen to me, you are never going to feel pretty enough. Not as long as you are constantly seeking outside validation.

I just have to give my opinion on your looks.  You are BEAUTIFUL and that is what I see in your profile picture.  You not only are physically attractive but that picture of you shows a content and happy young girl.  Do not doubt it and print out a copy of it. When you are feeling down take it out, look at it and study the eyes and smile. I know that probably sound useless but I know when I am down I try to find something to think about that can distract me from my current situation long enough to at least put it in the perspective that I can remember a time when things were better and then knowing they will improve in their time not necessarily on demand.  Take a hug from me and remember you can always just vent here when you need to.  Goodness knows I have often enough.

I'm sort of in the same boat, except I really am ugly, you aren't. I'm also an inch taller than you.  I feel that I may also be bipolar, but only from thinking about being untransitionable constantly and the sadness that brings.

I also have zero friends and have pretty much been sitting in a room staring at a wall for 8 year. I'm 26, know how many bars or parties I've been to since turning 21? The answer is none. It's a rare thing to find someone as alone as I am at my age, especially in such a big city. I constantly think of just pulling the plug and ending it somehow. I've sort of tried before. It's a cycle, the more you think about it, the worse it gets. But let me tell you, there is literally no reason for you to be upset, your a legitimate pretty girl,
something I could probably never be.