I don't celebrate Easter but it has always been an opportunity to get together with my family. However this year...

My sister has been going through a tough break up, her 9 year old daughter (my niece) has been affected fairly strongly by it and as such I agreed with my sister that we wait until my sister has had an opportunity to discuss it with my niece's counsellor before they work out how to tell her about me. Because of everything that has been going on for them over the last three weeks that understandably hasn't happened yet and won't happen until after Easter. So if I want to see the family over Easter it would have to be in dude mode which really I don't want to do. I'm not faulting my sister, she's says she is very supportive and I believe that completely, the stars just haven't aligned to move that process along for my niece. It's a bummer though. 

I offered to my folks to meet them as Grace, I was happy to do it in a public place or at their place. Apparently my father, who has also said he is supportive, isn't ready for that "yet". My mother said she'd meet me at a local cafe but my father wouldn't. I got a sense my mother wasn't very enthusiastic about it, but she was willing to go ahead and meet this Saturday. I'll leave the offer open to my father but won't hold my breath. Wonder if he is getting a bit weird about it. Anyway, I'll see how it goes with my mother and take it from there!

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2014, 04:58:16 AM
I offered to my folks to meet them as Grace, I was happy to do it in a public place or at their place. Apparently my father, who has also said he is supportive, isn't ready for that "yet". ..... Wonder if he is getting a bit weird about it.

This sounds familiar.... I have had the same thing from my mother and an aunt. Both said they would be supportive of me and both still constantly misgender me and use my old name. In their books, it seems "acceptance" means that they will still talk to me rather than ignoring me. My mother will come and visit me at my home but will not go out with me, howver she will not let me visit her home unless "you get your hair cut properly and wear proper clothes". I asked her were should I put my breasts and hips when I visit but I am still awaiting for an answer to that question. 

Yes, despite their initial acceptance I was a bit concerned this kind of behaviour could develop. Hopefully I can nip it in the bud if that's what's really going on... no need to presume the worst just yet. At least she's going out with me, I think she understands right name and pronouns are required...but I'll make sure she knows...

Grace,

I hope it goes well for you this Sat.  As with many things in life, hearing it versus seeing it is very different, and it's no surprise there's trepidation on the part of your family.

The best way to get past this is to live your life well and be happy regardless.  If they see you are content and at peace, they'll be more ready to come around, if the worst happens.

Thanks! That's the plan. My mum is a supreme worrier and she imagines the worst scenarios. I figure she's going to take some convincing regardless of how well things go for me, but if Saturday goes well it might make a dent.

I too cross my fingers for you .. Maybe when your mom see how happy you are she will get it .In your picture you have a glow in your face. ( happy glow ) I don,t know your age. but fathers of my age are still slow to come to 21 first century . But mine was open to my changes versus what could happen to me if I did not . Go in with head held high and proud . AKA Sara

Thanks. Yeah my folks are in their mid-70s so it is a huge stretch for them both. Mind you they are taking it better than if I'd dropped this on them 22 years ago. They've actually chilled out over the last two decades, so that is important for me to keep in mind.

Sometimes they don't "get it" until they see how happy you've become and how naturally it all came to you.  That was the case with me.

*hugs*

Quote from: provizora3 on April 13, 2014, 06:42:25 AM
I asked her were should I put my breasts and hips when I visit but I am still awaiting for an answer to that question.

LOL!

I intend to avoid the problem by waiting until my parents are dead or senile... I'm already "the weird one" to the rest of my family.

Grace, I come from a fairly close family and I had lunch with my great aunt and great uncle yesterday. My great aunt is in her early 70's, my great uncle is 80.. Neither of them has a problem with me, although it did take them seeing me and how happy I was before they were fully on board..

My 94yo grandma is also very accepting, again she needed to see me before she was 100% on board with my transition..

Aww Grace,

You are such a sweetheart, I can't imagine that anything more than a little time and exposure is all you need to convince anyone that you are finally expressing your true self.

I don't know what kind of dynamic your parents have with each other but I think maybe it's good that you will be taking this one parent at a time. It sounds as though your mother is a bit more amenable to this all; human psychology is such that oftentimes in a group setting, an individual who would otherwise be more open to what may perceived as a radical change is likely to acquiesce when in the company of the generally more dominant, and easier, rejection of change.

Then, once your mother inevitably falls in love with the new true you, your father would be more likely to accept it, if not whole-hardheartedly support it.

Best wishes to you!

Thanks AnnaLee! My father isn't much of a talker. If something is bothering him he rarely says anything, even to my mother. But he said he was accepting and supportive of my transition so I'll hold him to that. They've seen pics of me as Grace, I'm told I make a pretty good impression in person I think it'll just be a case of getting over the first meeting with him and it should hopefully be OK.

Quote from: kelly_aus on April 13, 2014, 03:38:25 PM
Grace, I come from a fairly close family and I had lunch with my great aunt and great uncle yesterday. My great aunt is in her early 70's, my great uncle is 80.. Neither of them has a problem with me, although it did take them seeing me and how happy I was before they were fully on board..

My 94yo grandma is also very accepting, again she needed to see me before she was 100% on board with my transition..

Thanks Kelly, I'm certainly hoping it will play that way with my folks too. My folks don't want uncles, aunts, cousins, great uncles/aunts to know "just yet" (code for "never", I'm sure)...I'm not particularly close to any of them and might see them once every second blue moon, if that, so I'm not particularly fussed. Most of them probably wouldn't have a problem with me, I'd wager.

Quote from: Jill F on April 13, 2014, 03:35:05 PM
Sometimes they don't "get it" until they see how happy you've become and how naturally it all came to you.  That was the case with me.

*hugs*

Thanks Jill! That seems to be how everyone else sees my transition so fingers crossed it shines through for the folks too. Mind you, I got pretty good at pretending everything was "OK" whenever I saw or spoke with them, even when everything was utterly in the pits!

Quote from: JamesG on April 13, 2014, 03:36:49 PM
I intend to avoid the problem by waiting until my parents are dead or senile... I'm already "the weird one" to the rest of my family.

I half considered that tactic, but they could easily make it into their eighties or nineties. No way I was going to wait another twenty years!

A quick follow up...met with my mother today. She told my father he was welcome to come but he declined...oh well, his loss! In some ways it was for the better, my mum and I had "high tea" at this poshy little tea house and given 90%+ of the people there were women it's clearly more of a "ladies" thing to do. And besides it was good to have a great chat with her, we nattered away about all sorts of things and mostly not about my transition.

We did touch on the topic though, I wanted to share how things had been going and some of the positive and funny stories from the last four weeks but I also got her to talk about how she and dad are taking it. Dad seems to be having some conceptual problems, he'll still talk to me, like today I rang to talk to my mother about parking arrangements at the cafe, dad answered the phone, we exchanged pleasantries before he passed me on (nothing different from normal there) but I did hear him say to my mother "it's 'male name'" as he gave her the phone. Whatever, it's disappointing but to be expected. According to my mother he "can't see the need for it ('it' being transition)", I said to her, "well, I'm still alive aren't I?"

Anyway, she said she would have trouble adjusting and yet she was able to be with me and talk as if nothing was different. She talked about her concerns, but overall she seemed comfortable. She agreed I was presentable and that I wasn't drawing any undue attention or odd looks from customers or staff (I was being called "madam" and we were called "ladies" ), she even said she thought I was "pretty"

We were there for about two hours. I had a good time, she had a good time....in many ways it was no different than other times I've taken her out. We gave each other a huge hug at the end. She's maybe not there 100% yet but she's well on her way. As for my father, he's apparently happy to have a meet up, one on one, probably to tell me how he feels about it all - but I have to arrange it. Sounds like an opening to me.

Fantastic!  It sounds as things are going well - if mum is onside, then you're more than halfway there on the parental acceptance front.  I'm relieved for you - it could have been much worse.

Thanks! She got to see me happy, calm and reasonable...plus passable! Once she sees it isn't just a once off, or an act, I'm hopeful she'll settle into the idea.

Big Hugs, Big Hugs

Jen

Thanks Jen!

great steps forward.

Ms Grace,
     Kudos to you honey! You're parents as described are exact copies of my own, though they have both passed on. My mother was the outgoing one and my father was quiet, slightly the introvert and the one most likely to have the short fuze when things became confusing. So let me assure you that from what you have described of having enjoyed high tea with your mum was indeed a smashing success on more levels than meets the eye. She not only got on well with you and observed how well you were received by others, but now she is convinced that you are not going to be seen as a social pariah and a source of familial embarrassment. No doubt she will share her observations with your father and he will come around in due time. Congratulations!

Glad to hear that things went well!