I had a strange thing happen last night.  I was camping in the field behind my house, hoping that getting outside in this beautiful spring weather would get my mind off issues.  Around 4 am I came in because I awoke cold and hungry.   As I was retrieving my slippers my wife awoke:

Wife:  What are you doing? (rather aggressively)
Me: Getting a snack.
Wife: Why did you come in?
Me: (Beginning to get annoyed with the tone of questions)  I was cold and hungry.

Turning away I clearly heard in my head:  I hate that woman.


Totally unexpected.   I have been trying to listen to my mostly subconscious (female) side.  But this was unexpected.   To be any more clear the thought would have to be expressed aloud.

I don't know what to make of that and it scares me because lately what KD wants, KD gets.

I know there are a lot of problems between my wife and I right now.  Including a real failure to communicate on both sides.  But the feeling of hatred I picked up there for a moment was something I hadn't felt for my wife ever.

I am trying to understand where that came from.  Is it just the result of my wife not accepting my female side.  Or is there something deeper that I have been avoiding?

I guess my next therapy meeting will be interesting.

I think personally it could have come from looking at her as a block to transition. Does she know yet?

Jessica,
   She knows.  But we have only had the one talk.  She took it so badly I have been backing away from talking with her again.  I hate to see my closest friend hurt so badly.

Yes - its likely due to seeing her as standing in my way. 

I will try to get up my courage and gather together what I need to say over the weekend.  Then with Easter over we will need to talk about the elephant again.  Ignorance, in this case, is not bliss.

Obviously coming to hate her will not solve anything.

Quote from: Kaydee on April 19, 2014, 09:03:06 AM
  I hate to see my closest friend hurt so badly.

None of us do and that is the worse part of transition. We do have to live the life that makes us happy though and have no guilt about it at all. I think more people would be accepting if they knew just how bad Dysphoria hurts us mentally and physically. If she agrees you might have her look at our Significant Others section. Maybe it would give her the sense that she was not alone with this issue and be able to see how others have handled it.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 19, 2014, 09:12:42 AM
None of us do and that is the worse part of transition. We do have to live the life that makes us happy though and have no guilt about it at all. I think more people would be accepting if they knew just how bad Dysphoria hurts us mentally and physically. If she agrees you might have her look at our Significant Others section. Maybe it would give her the sense that she was not alone with this issue and be able to see how others have handled it.

Thanks.  I know I have to be who I am.  I can not continue to pretend to be who I am not.  Its only recently that I have come to realize how much of my life I have spent being who others want me to be.  I suppose when you are living as the wrong gender, pretending on other levels comes easily.   


I have suggested to my wife that she try to talk with others.  As a very conservative Christian she refuses to talk to anyone with a different viewpoint.   I will try again and point out to her how there are many Christians on this site.   But she will likely not accept that.  If they were Christians they wouldn't be trans...?

Anyway, I think part of why I am delaying talking with my wife again is that I am close to the end of a semester and if things go really badly I will have more time to deal with them in the summer.  Just dealing with the dysporia is already affecting the quality of my work, I can't imagine adding the end of my marriage to the mix.

I wish there were some way I could explain to her how life-encompassing the dysphoria has become.  Not a moment goes by but that I am dealing with it at some level.

If you would like I will gladly answer any questions she has in a PM if you think it would help some what with me being a medical professional. 

Thanks, Jessica.  I'll keep it in mind.   Though I doubt she will go for it.

So there's definitely some issues here with her standing in your way and that has been covered well enough.

QuoteTurning away I clearly heard in my head:  I hate that woman.

I've been married to my wife for 32 years.  I can't tell you how many times that thought has come into my head but it's a lot.  But "I love that woman" has come to me a lot too.  I wouldn't make too much out of it because there is a lot of both of those feelings in a relationship.  Like the song say's "It's a thin line between love and hate"  The people you love the most have the greatest power over your emotions.  Both good and bad.

I will pray that she can find acceptance of the real you.  I can tell you from experience that if she can you will have a stronger love for each other. 

Quote from: JulieC. on April 19, 2014, 10:56:45 AM
I will pray that she can find acceptance of the real you.  I can tell you from experience that if she can you will have a stronger love for each other.

Thank you, Julie.   Perhaps her just knowing someone on here has offered to pray will help open her up to maybe taking a look around and getting help from others.

Quote from: Kaydee on April 19, 2014, 09:23:09 AM
I know I have to be who I am.  I can not continue to pretend to be who I am not.  Its only recently that I have come to realize how much of my life I have spent being who others want me to be. 

So true.

Quote from: Kaydee on April 19, 2014, 09:23:09 AM
As a very conservative Christian she refuses to talk to anyone with a different viewpoint......If they were Christians they wouldn't be trans...?

Uhh oh.

Being a Christian and being trans are not mutually exclusive - It makes me sad that people don't understand this. I ran into this with my soon-to-be ex-wife's sister who has very conservative, narrow views about Christianity. The sister has been taking advantage of the vulnerability of my wife's situation and is working hard to swing my wife around to hating me based on her understanding of the bible.

My belief is that your wife comes from the same place as my wife's sister - her view of Christianity is a very narrow and exclusionary one, and that's not who God is. Jesus died on the cross for everyone's sins. She's missed the point of God's love for us.

You have some major issues to think about and work through ahead of you. My thoughts are with you and I hope that both you and your wife can find acceptance for each other, and that both of you can find a way forward through all of this.

Eva,
  Thanks for your reply.   I am hoping she can work beyond her narrow view of Christianity, because otherwise she is very understanding.  But she has a very narrow grasp of what is right and is not often open to those of opposing views.  We have spent a lot of time avoiding certain topics because we have no way to overcome our differences.

I will work with trying to let her know what I am trying to deal with.  Maybe if I can show her some of the pain she will begin to understand.

Sorry to hear about your wife's sister.   Its got to be hard for both of you going thru a divorce - you don't need any extra pressure brought in by others.

Kaydee,  I was married for 20 years and truly expected it to last forever.  My wife was my best friend and although she is not speaking to me now and is barely talking to our kids (they are with me) I really believe if I was to reach out to her in a crisis she would be there for me as I know I would be for her.  Sorry went off on a tangent.  My point is that even though you may have a hateful thought sometimes it does not change the love, friendship and need that I am sure you both share with each other.  You are probably actually hating her response to your pain and difficulty and not hating her.  I hope that makes sense.  I truly wish you both well and as another church going Christian I will pray for you both.

Quote from: Christinetobe on April 19, 2014, 02:02:56 PM
  My point is that even though you may have a hateful thought sometimes it does not change the love, friendship and need that I am sure you both share with each other.  You are probably actually hating her response to your pain and difficulty and not hating her.  I hope that makes sense. 

Thanks, Christine.  Yes, that makes sense.   Its just that it was such a disquieting experience.

  I'm not about to give up on our marriage.   I just have to figure out a way to open a way to communicate my pain and experiences to her without her completely shutting me down or going into full denial.  Until she is willing to consider that what I am going through is real, I feel trapped between her wants and the dysphoria.

Hate is a strong emotion.

It sounds like there is a lot of emotions and sorting out that you are doing and, as you said, good fodder for the therapist.

She blocked you from food and some warmth and transition. Point is you maybe blocking what you want and associating it with your wife. She can not stop  you but you want both her and transition. She can only stop you from being with her. Communication is the only way to keep her.

. Point is you may be blocking what you want and associating it with your wife..

Hmm, I will have to give this some thought.   It is certainly something to think about.


She can not stop  you but you want both her and transition


At this point I am not sure about transition.  I would just like some acknowledgement that my pain is real.   But I get your point.   What I really want is for her to accept me as I am and to not hurt her.  As others have said, that is probably not possible.

She can only stop you from being with her. Communication is the only way to keep her.

Thanks, Cynthiia.

My wife is my bestest and closest friend. As I am to her. Though she always knew I was TG, figured just a CD which is what I tried to convince myself "will work to get by". She never the less, was not at all thrilled when I dropped to T-Bomb on her 6 years ago. Actually still isn't all that thrilled. Yet, I cannot tell you how many times she has said "I don't want you to stop what you are doing because of me". Or, "I don't want you to stop and grow to hate me for it"

Sure, I still get the snarky comments now and then when she lashes out. I sure cannot blame her for what she says. This is an incredible strain on her. That kicking each other off our rocking chairs on the front porch when we get old scene doesn't quite look the same.

It is hard on spouses, painfull for us both, plenty of tears, plenty of open honest discussions. Plenty of TMI, which is sooooo hard to gauge when trying to be open and honest.

Hi, Joanne,
  I have read a couple of accounts of transitions where the marriage survived.  In both accounts I saw how hard it was on the wife and how it put a strain on the relationship even when the wife was quite accepting.  In both cases the wife was the 'heroine' of the story.  So I am aware of just how difficult it can be.  I am glad to hear that its working for you.  May it continue to do so.

Balancing the TMI  is  something I found tough in our only real discussion.  I know my wife needed to know some facts, and that there were some things she was not ready to know.  But where the boundary between the two rests is a hard thing to judge. 

I am letting the Easter weekend go by and then we need to open communication again and see if we can get past

Me:  I need to do something to relieve this.
Her:  You should try praying that God will take it away.

Maybe if I let her know how this affects me every hour of every day she will start to realize the import of what I have to go through.   I just want to find some way we can have some give and take.   I can compromise for her if she can accept me as I am.

Quote from: Kaydee on April 19, 2014, 07:26:04 PM
Maybe if I let her know how this affects me every hour of every day she will start to realize the import of what I have to go through.   I just want to find some way we can have some give and take.   I can compromise for her if she can accept me as I am.

Kaydee

Communicating your respective needs and fears for yourselves, each other and for your relationship is key.  However while you can change yourself you cannot change her.  She will see positive changes in you, she will feel your love for her and with good counselling for you and hopefully for her you will move forward.

Every person has a different experience and writes a different story.   In my case the latest breakthrough took many, many years and many, many conversations.  It followed a pretty difficult weekend where I ended up saying that "we need to discuss how best to separate.  I no longer feel valued, loved, understood or respected.   I feel like like I am a curiosity, an oddity, a supplier of funds and social respectability but that is all I feel.  There is no longer any physical or emotional intimacy and this dishonours what we have had together.  We don't need this and we should not be doing this to each other.  I like who I have become on hrt, I have not committed to a full transition and think it unlikely, so why are you disrespecting me like this.  We are both going to be ok, and it won't be the end of the world as we know it, but it is time to move on."

Her reaction confounded, surprised and then delighted me.  Following tears and much emotion she asked me if there was any chance that we could fix our relationship.  I said that I thought that I had moved on.  The next evening she said "thank you.  I needed to revisit my priorities and I choose you and us.  I am sorry.  Please can we give it another chance."

I said that I could only do this if I saw and felt change, love and genuine respect.

Well surprise, surprise after 5 years of an angst ridden relationship there has been a significant change.  This possibility has emerged from communication and a deep but undervalued love and shared experience.  Our hope is that it continues to flourish.

Short message.   Don't give up on each other.  You may be very pleasantly surprised and delighted with how things turn around.

Safe travels

Aisla

She wanted to get under your skin and it worked. Recommend camping together next time.

Quote from: Aisla on April 20, 2014, 01:40:57 AM
Kaydee

Communicating your respective needs and fears for yourselves, each other and for your relationship is key.  However while you can change yourself you cannot change her.  She will see positive changes in you, she will feel your love for her and with good counselling for you and hopefully for her you will move forward.

Quote from: Aisla on April 20, 2014, 01:40:57 AM
Every person has a different experience and writes a different story.   In my case the latest breakthrough took many, many years and many, many conversations.  It followed a pretty difficult weekend where I ended up saying that "we need to discuss how best to separate.  I no longer feel valued, loved, understood or respected.   I feel like like I am a curiosity, an oddity, a supplier of funds and social respectability but that is all I feel.  There is no longer any physical or emotional intimacy and this dishonours what we have had together.  We don't need this and we should not be doing this to each other.  I like who I have become on hrt, I have not committed to a full transition and think it unlikely, so why are you disrespecting me like this.  We are both going to be ok, and it won't be the end of the world as we know it, but it is time to move on."

Hmm.., I share a few of those feelings.

Quote from: Aisla on April 20, 2014, 01:40:57 AM
Her reaction confounded, surprised and then delighted me.  Following tears and much emotion she asked me if there was any chance that we could fix our relationship.  I said that I thought that I had moved on.  The next evening she said "thank you.  I needed to revisit my priorities and I choose you and us.  I am sorry.  Please can we give it another chance."

I said that I could only do this if I saw and felt change, love and genuine respect.

Well surprise, surprise after 5 years of an angst ridden relationship there has been a significant change.  This possibility has emerged from communication and a deep but undervalued love and shared experience.  Our hope is that it continues to flourish.

Short message.   Don't give up on each other.  You may be very pleasantly surprised and delighted with how things turn around.

Safe travels

Aisla

Thanks, Aisla.  I am not giving up.  Just frustrated and perhaps a bit angry.  It is my plan to start working on the conversation after this Easter weekend - a time important to her.  I will tell her a little of how I am feeling and see where we go from there.  It is just that I know she has a way of believing that only she (the church) knows what is right and not being willing to compromise.  However, I do know that she wants our relationship to continue.

I am glad things are coming around for you and hope things continue to improve.  I know it has to be hard on both of you.    It gives me some hope..