It has occurred to me that it's pretty much required that transpeople have to have a lot of inner strength (or a 100% "just don't give a f*** about what others think of you" attitude if your lucky.)  Some of us are just sensitive and we can't help it, so it's probably more realistic to build inner strength than to have a 100% don't care about what others think about you attitude (which in and of itself may be a shield that may prevent one from being close with others.) 

To me it takes a lot more guts to be who you are day in and out (when it's considered controversial) than it is to do a dangerous trip. 

So I'm asking for tips on how to build a lot of inner strength, because I think for most of us it's pretty much required (or otherwise live in suffering) and at the least is something that I'm seriously lacking.

I don't have much advice if I'm honest but I would be eager to learn.  Some people just have it. 

From my experience the older people seem to get the more confidence they have

I've always tried being myself and no one else. Perhaps it's easier for me because I came out in my mid fifties. I'm in the don't care what anybody thinks group.

Quote from: Katelyn on April 19, 2014, 11:25:31 AM
So I'm asking for tips on how to build a lot of inner strength, because I think for most of us it's pretty much required (or otherwise live in suffering) and at the least is something that I'm seriously lacking.

I pray for courage and self-acceptance.

I'm not so sure about God, so I pray to my inner spirit - the part inside me that guides me. It works just as well.

Good luck, Katelyn. I hope this helps.

Talk to yourself in front of a mirror until you convince yourself or at least semi belive it

Act natural (unless it's false bravado) everything else will fall into place, it's ok to be scared

Don't be afraid to make mistakes at first that's the only way we ever learn

I have made massive mountains (K2 size) out of molehills when it doesn't go as bad, yay win

Have friends that are always willing to feed your ego and encourage you (sometimes they will give you harsh truths but that's a tale for another day)

Rome wasn't built in a day and confidence and inner strength doesn't come over night have patience

Well, I know I personally discovered my own inner strength when I decided to take action in face of adversity. I spent a few year suffering a lot, keeping it inside, and never did anything about it, so I felt weak and powerless. When I finally felt I had nothing to lose, and I took action, I expected to fall apart. but rather than be destroyed, I got happier, stronger, and my life changed mostly for the better.

As for building it, a few things come to mind:

- What Suzi said makes a lot of sense. I wouldn't say I pray to my own inner strength or guide, per se, but I keep in mind the times I have overcome in the past and I try to have faith that I can do so again.

- I also watch or listen to things that inspire me. Honestly, sometimes I just listen to nu  metal with borderline cheesy lyrics and it can help me a lot:



- I also think of people who don't believe they are strong. Who play the victim. When I see them, I KNOW they can do it if they really do their best. I believe in others more than myself, so I try to imagine someone looking at me from an outsider's perspective. Would they think I was hopeless? Or would they have suggestions as to how I could be stronger and get through a hard time? They'd probably think of ways I could do better. Maybe they would be wrong, but anything is worth a try.

I will be watching this thread with a lot of eagerness as this is something I need to develop as well.  I'm sort of sick of how things are going in my life and would like to make a change soon.   

Put yourself in uncomfortable situations where you can be yourself, but the cost of failure is little or nothing.

Don't get down on yourself when you fail.  Just get up and try again.

Fail.  Then fail better.

Repeat as needed.

Inner strength can be something that takes a long time to build.

Try starting with small exercises to try to push yourself beyond your normal mental limits. You'll find the more you do that the stronger you truly are and you just never realized it before.

Quote from: Kaydee on April 19, 2014, 09:02:01 PM
Put yourself in uncomfortable situations where you can be yourself, but the cost of failure is little or nothing.

Don't get down on yourself when you fail.  Just get up and try again.

Fail.  Then fail better.

Repeat as needed.

May I ask, how do you even get the strength to put yourself in uncomfortable situations?  I feel like I lack the ability to even find the initial strength to lead me to that.

^In my case, I basically just gritted my teeth and did it, realizing that I was just going to keep beating myself up about having not done it, and always wishing that I had the courage to do so, until I did. I had ZERO confidence at that point. And I was scared out of my wits. But I knew I had to at one point or another otherwise I was never going to do it.

And slowly, over time, it's gotten better and better, and I've gotten more confident. There's been a LOT of setbacks, but it's easier to deal with when you have at least some positive experiences to offset them with.

Easier said than done, but yeah... I mean, the first time I went out in public in "girl mode," I sat in the car for an entire hour, waiting for there to be less people around, and nearly talking myself out of it like 5 times, before I finally did it. So again, I don't think it's easy for anyone, if that's any consolation.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 19, 2014, 09:57:30 PM
May I ask, how do you even get the strength to put yourself in uncomfortable situations?  I feel like I lack the ability to even find the initial strength to lead me to that.

Lots of times I don't have the strength either.  But I set a goal to do something (small).  I get myself ready, head out, and often give up and turn around.  (Fail)  Then a little latter I try again and usually can go a little farther before I have to turn away again.(Fail better.)   Eventually I get tired of going through the process and keep myself on track until I reach some type of success.

I guess it helps to be able to laugh at your own weakness and to realize that to most people out there you are not really that important.  So most of the time when I fail or otherwise make a fool of myself I just realize its my own perception - that anyone else noticing has probably forgotten the incident by now.

Think small and work your way up.  I have a lot to work my way through myself and am not very brave.

What Kaydee, Carrie and Nimrata said. "Starting tasks" can be things that have little consequence if they don't come out as you hoped, but the more the thought of doing it scares you poop-less the better. And they don't have to be trans* related, they should be everything and anything.

Many years ago I found out there was a comic book publisher in my street, not DC or Marvel or anything like that. They were a small Australian organisation that produced great educational comics for disadvantaged youth, especially those with low literacy. I needed money at the time and I could draw comics, so I thought maybe, just maybe, they'd be able to give me a bit of work. Little did I know at the time that they got a lot of people sending them samples of their work and requests for a gig. They were small, non-profit and the only work they ever had was for whatever they'd received specific funding to do, they already had an artist and a couple of freelancers. So they were always having to knock people back. But like I say, I didn't know that at the time.

I walked up to their door with a few samples of my work, feeling very insecure. Hadn't made an appointment, didn't know who I'd be talking to or what I'd say. Stood in front of that door for a good minute of two and wondered WTF I was trying to prove. They were going to say "no" I told myself, my art is "amateur", they'd just "laugh me out of the office". I was about to walk away when I gave myself a good talking to. "What is the worst that could happen?" They could say 'no' sure but it wasn't life or death, I needed they money but not so badly it was my only chance to keep myself solvent.

So, low stakes but important too. And the thought of going in scared me poop-less. So I told myself "the worst that can happen is that they say 'no'"...and I knocked on the door and went in. And guess what, I got continuing freelance work from doing that. It just so happened that week their top artist was away and the two freelancers likewise unavailable. Just that week. Another week either side and I probably would have been filed with the hundreds of other hopefuls never to have been heard of again. For me it was a defining moment, sure I got really lucky, but at least I tried.

I knocked.

I was scared to death of doing a simple thing like knocking on the door and showing my artwork to complete strangers. If I hadn't knocked I would have just walked away feeling like a loser and totally dejected. But I knocked. Even if they had said, no at least I would have walked only away disappointed but knowing that at least I had tried.

Like I say, a defining moment. It didn't make me super confident but I grew a little bit from it so that the next time I had to "knock" I'd remember that moment. Sometimes I'd go through with it, other times not...the times that I didn't often left me feeling disappointed with myself, and fortunately they have become less and less. The fear isn't any less, and sometimes the stakes are high. But I decide that if I'm prepared to accept the worst that can reasonably happen then I'm up for it...most of the time it is never anywhere near the worst, often it is close to the best. If not, I'll either make the best of it, try again or walk away, but at least I know I confronted my fear first.

Though I fall into the "I don't give a crap what other people think" group, I am a very emotional girl and a bit of a girly girl at heart. Moreover little things like spilling my glass upset me probably way more than they should, and sometimes I break out into tears over things that wouldn't bother most people. My SO's about to leave for nearly a year to work a job in another state, and I can't even think about it for fear of losing her forever and crying myself to sleep. I'm trying so hard to quit smoking and am down to just around 4 per day but I'm upset that I can't just throw them down completely yet. sometimes I get jittery or fearful of trying new things I'm not familiar with, especially if there's alot of people around. I've always considered myself a strong woman given some of the horrible things I've been through, but why do little things upset me so much? Do I have weak inner strength, or am I worried about nothing?

This is a difficult one when it comes to "banter".

It's an adult thing to not take yourself too seriously and make fun of each other in an affectionate manner.  When my workmates and friends rib me, I know it's in good nature.  Obviously, with a past for getting picked on, I originally need the reassurance that it's in good fun because I don't have the social skills to pick up on it easily and often fall back into this victim mindset (which I hate about myself).  And sometimes I just want to get away from it all, which is why I get grouchy with my siblings but never with my workmates.

When it's someone I don't know, I get upset easily but behave indifferently.  I usually assume the intention is mean spirited.  I think it;s just to provoke a reaction, so indifference works.

I'm also got very good at taking criticism unless I expect it.  I'm hardly unique and where I was showered with bullsh*t compliments from my parents, I also got my fair share of valid criticism too.

I gave some thought to this overnight, and realize this is likely easier for those of us who are older.  I have had the chance to build up confidence through success on my job and through the love of my wife and others.  I know that if I fail, I am not a failure, from a lifetimes worth of evidence.  (Not that I don't beat myself up at times.)

Years ago I was taking a ski lesson and some of the other kids were so afraid of being on the big slope that they didn't dare point their skis downhill, but instead pushed themselves horizontally across the slope.  The instructor, probably a bit dumbfounded, told the class that we shouldn't be afraid of falling - if you don't fall once in a while you are not trying hard enough. For whatever reason I took this to heart.  I had some spectacular wipe outs on the slopes, but always got up, pulled myself together, and skied away.

I've tried to apply this to life.  I have found that if we play life too safely it can become stale and boring,  So I take a chance once in a while and try something different, something I am not gifted at, something with the threat of failure.  An what I have found is that the failures are usually temporary, but the rewards can last a long time.

Of course, not that I know I am trans* life is interesting enough and everywhere I look I see a chance of failure.  A high probability of failure in some parts of my life.

I guess the outcome of all this is that the only way of building confidence is to try things out.  While there will always be those who will enjoy pointing out your failures, most people, including any real friends, will admire you for being willing to take some risk..