This is probably going to be a long and rambly post. I know that I'm new here and this might be rude - sorry!
I've recently started questioning my gender identity in a serious way. I keep seeing the term "dysphoria", but I don't really know what it means. I feel like nothing I've experienced matches the severity that it implies to me. However, I feel like some of my experiences might fall under it, so, well... here they are.
In general, I often feel utterly distinct from males, and find more similarities with females. Seeing some silly list of "differences between men and women" or whatever, I know which side I expect to fall on.
I don't feel particularly strongly about my genitals, nor do I strongly desire breasts. I wouldn't mind either of these things being different to how they are, I may actually prefer it, but it's not a strong feeling. I do like appearing feminine, to the point of feeling uncomfortable if I look too male, because I don't think that represents me. I often look at my reflection and ask, ignoring my face, "could a girl pull off this look?" (though I only wear male/unisex clothes, preferring the latter). Most of the changes associated with HRT seem overwhelmingly positive to me.
From probably about 7-8 I would think "I want to be/wish I was a girl."
When I was 11 my dad's departure meant I could afford to grow my hair and nails long. When questioned by other kids, I would say "I'm lazy".My dad complained a lot, and would force me to get my hair cut short every year or so, but I always grew it back out. I remember considering a sex-change when I was about 14, but I was put off by the difficulty of it - that is to say, if at any point in my life I could have clicked my fingers and been a girl, I wouldn't be posting this now
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At secondary school, my gender expression and other "weirdnesses" made me a prime target for bullying, and I felt the pressure to masculinise to fit in. In response, I developed a kind of obsession (I'd call it OCD, but I don't really know) with feminising the "invisible" things I did, primarily focusing on my hand movements, but also on legs and posture. This also involved obsessively observing the behaviour of females and males around me, mimicking one and eschewing the other. Occasionally I would realise my pose or motion was too visibly feminine, and feel incredibly fearful of being spotted.
Besides the OCD, there are a few involuntary feelings I get that I find it hard to describe:
"Gender deja vu" - when someone says something that suggests "maleness" about me, I get an uncomfortable feeling similar to that accompanying deja vu of the brain involuntarily reprocessing information, along with a strong feeling along the lines of "it's odd that they think I'm male"/"But I'm not like that!"
"Gender miscommunication" - when I'm saying something, I feel that some part of my message/meaning is inexplicably lost because of my perceived gender, my voice, etc. Alternatively, I feel that what I was saying was intrinsically feminine, as in, "I said that as a girl".
Finally, I randomly get a feeling that's even harder to describe, "I feel female". I could be walking down the street, lying in my bed, or anything. I guess an explanation is that at these times my feelings align with a self-concept of a female me.
These feelings occur somewhat infrequently. However, I do often feel that I'm prevented from acting or speaking the way I want by being male, and that I'm "acting a part".
I feared the changes of puberty, and didn't enjoy them, though I think I lucked out on the whole. I have a small frame, feminine lips, few drastically male facial features, soft skin, small-ish feet. From a distance, with my long hair, people have gendered me as female. Most of the meaningful compliments I received in school were intended as insults, or just noticing "weird" feminine things about me like my lips ("you look like you have lipstick on"). My voice became extremely deep, which still annoys me to this day. I've always hated my leg-hair, but I felt trapped between wanting to shave it and wanting to fit in. Luckily, I don't have any chest-hair to worry about. I held off shaving, because "men shave", but once I started I did (and do) so compulsively.
However, my first few years of university were for some reason mostly okay - I guess because of the reduced importance of gender-roles? I still occasionally felt that the "message wasn't getting across," and I still sometimes imagined myself as a girl in my head. The only thing that stood out was I read about a male contraceptive cocktail of female hormones that was being trialed - reading about it, I couldn't wait for the opportunity to buy some over-the-counter, socially acceptable hormones.
Six months ago, someone I care about - someone I used to feel was the only person like me I'd ever met - came out as trans. This reminded me of everything, but being fine for so long, I decided - I'm cured! I decided to masculinise myself. Cut my hair and nails short, bought some more male clothes, started growing a beard. That was okay for a few months... but then, I had a traumatic Christmas. At the same time, I read that the male contraceptive pill had been "fixed" and now only comprised two proteins. A lot of my old feelings started coming back, and the OCD gradually returned, finally becoming debilitating, worse than it had ever been. I started questioning myself more and more, which was painful in itself, and the only way I could feel better was by accepting that I was trans, at which point a lot of negative feeling was replaced by a kind of elation. So here I am, wondering if that's the right conclusion.
Oh god I've been writing this for an hour now, I'm so sorry
