The first official step that is.  I've been a total mess the last year or so.  It's really destroying my life.  I can't really focus or care about anything.  I've also sort of been zoning out.  In-fact, a few months back I totaled my car in a horrible wreck and ended up in the hospital.  When I get depressed I often will just drive around.  This particular time I was so out of it that I literally drove full speed, head on, while wearing no belt (in a sport car), into the back of a parked SUV...

Anyway, I called and hopefully will be admitted for the behavioral health intake process at Fenway Health.  Their closed tomorrow due to the holiday, but hopefully I'll get a call back and can be in therapy as soon as possible.  Just taking that first step felt good though...

I really don't think I'll transition.  Not that I don't want to, believe me I do, sometimes I feel like I need to and that I'm just delaying the inevitable - but I don't think that I'm a good candidate.  I'm hoping my therapist will look at me and say "hey, with hormones and some work, you could pass well..."  I almost want to start hrt just to see if I "feel" better and with the hopes that I'll soften up enough to see transitioning as being realistic.

Just figured I'd update some of the users who've reached out to me with therapy suggestions.  Being a member of this site, even if for such a short time, has been wonderful.  I really appreciate the support, thanks everyone, I'll keep you updated...

the same. You have my support

Congratulations!

What you have done is the first step in cutting out the bad parts and growing the good parts.

Remember to breath.

Lots of big hugs from me.

Congratulations and good luck.  Being formerly from MA I had forgotten it is a holiday there enjoy a long weekend.

Quote from: kate on April 20, 2014, 03:15:57 PM
What makes you think you won't be a good candidate out of interest?

Im superathletic, 6'0" with huge knobby hands, and possibly too large a rib cage...

When I say I have big knobby hands, I really mean it, few men have hands like mine. They aren't particularly meaty, but there huge. Fingers are 8" from palm to tip and my palm is just under 4" wide. There also disgustingly knobby, huge knuckles and veins that always want to come out. My fingers are probably a size 8 ring, but due to a couple bouchards nodes (google them), a couple would probably be at 12ish, especially on my right hand. In other words, on a few fingers the actual join is wider than the finger. Fingers are also sort of crooked.

I could probably pass my hands of as having a pituitary disorder from the gross bone growth. I suppose if I got hand rejuvenation and had hand surgery to remove the nodes they may look ok...

TQ, I hope you'll listen carefully to what I have to say. Whether or not to transition is, of course, your decision. But there is something VERY IMPORTANT to understand about transition.

You can have a wonderful transition EVEN IF YOU DON'T PASS.

It isn't all about passing.

It really isn't.

I know many women who don't pass, but are very happy with their transitions. They live each moment savoring the opportunity to live as the women they always knew they were. It's easier for them - they can dress and act how they want without worrying they're going to spill the beans.

They can be quite beautiful.

If you decide transitioning isn't for you, then don't do it. But, please, please, PLEASE, don't decide not to be your true self because you won't pass.

It's just that I'm 26 and still have a long life ahead on me, most likely. I haven't really started a career, don't really have friends, and would eventually like to be in a relationship. If I ended up passing then I'd be in a great place mentally, I'd b a dream, but I'm not sure what getting clocked constantly would do to me psychologically. I feel if I didn't have a solid "pass rate" then I'd never really be able to see myself as a woman. I'm not sure tho, I guess you never are, I think there's a chance I could overcome these things and be passable, maybe pretty, but that is a question...

I'm really happy to hear that you have made the call. This is the first step along a road that will lead you to self acceptance and learning to love who you are. Who knows where the road will lead you???....time will tell. You may fully transition to a beautiful woman, you may go part of the way or you may do nothing. All may be acceptable options and the decision is entirely yours.
Whichever road you choose, always remember that you are already a beautiful woman and will always be.
Love who you are.

Take care,
Ciara.

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 20, 2014, 05:19:01 PM
TQ, I hope you'll listen carefully to what I have to say. Whether or not to transition is, of course, your decision. But there is something VERY IMPORTANT to understand about transition.

You can have a wonderful transition EVEN IF YOU DON'T PASS.

It isn't all about passing.

It really isn't.

I know many women who don't pass, but are very happy with their transitions. They live each moment savoring the opportunity to live as the women they always knew they were. It's easier for them - they can dress and act how they want without worrying they're going to spill the beans.

They can be quite beautiful.

If you decide transitioning isn't for you, then don't do it. But, please, please, PLEASE, don't decide not to be your true self because you won't pass.

I'll second this.  Great advice.

I've come to realize that success - for me - is not going to be passing 100% as a genetic female.  That's too high a goal, and would come at too high a price for me (SRS, full body electrolysis, lots of FFS, etc.)  Success will be when internally I feel content with where I am, and externally when I look like a fairly pretty trans person.  Who cares if people sometimes see me as a girl who used to be a guy?  I can still look good, and trans people are absolutely beautiful.  You know why?  Because they're happy, and a happy smiling face and bright eyes on any face are more beautiful than the sad expressions worn by many a genetic female who struggles to meet traditional expectations of what a woman is supposed to be.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Few will pass successfully all the time, but most - with effort - can pass successfully most of the time.

Who are you doing this for?  Yourself, or everyone else?

Congrats on taking the first step - it's often the hardest one in the entire journey.   

Quote from: TheQuestion on April 20, 2014, 01:50:46 PM
The first official step that is.  I've been a total mess the last year or so.  It's really destroying my life.  I can't really focus or care about anything.  I've also sort of been zoning out.  In-fact, a few months back I totaled my car in a horrible wreck and ended up in the hospital.  When I get depressed I often will just drive around.  This particular time I was so out of it that I literally drove full speed, head on, while wearing no belt (in a sport car), into the back of a parked SUV...

Anyway, I called and hopefully will be admitted for the behavioral health intake process at Fenway Health.  Their closed tomorrow due to the holiday, but hopefully I'll get a call back and can be in therapy as soon as possible.  Just taking that first step felt good though...

I really don't think I'll transition.  Not that I don't want to, believe me I do, sometimes I feel like I need to and that I'm just delaying the inevitable - but I don't think that I'm a good candidate.  I'm hoping my therapist will look at me and say "hey, with hormones and some work, you could pass well..."  I almost want to start hrt just to see if I "feel" better and with the hopes that I'll soften up enough to see transitioning as being realistic.

Just figured I'd update some of the users who've reached out to me with therapy suggestions.  Being a member of this site, even if for such a short time, has been wonderful.  I really appreciate the support, thanks everyone, I'll keep you updated...

That's really good to hear,  and you have my full support! Take it slow and don't expect things to happen over night. 

Quote from: __________ on April 21, 2014, 07:16:31 AM
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Few will pass successfully all the time, but most - with effort - can pass successfully most of the time.

Who are you doing this for?  Yourself, or everyone else?

Congrats on taking the first step - it's often the hardest one in the entire journey.   

This too is great advice.
Remember that whatever you do, always do it for yourself and not for the acceptance of others.

Wow! Best of luck to you. I wish that i had such a solid grasp and understanding of my TG feelings when i was 26. But the feelings do intensify as you get older so it would be best to deal with it now.

Quote from: TheQuestion on April 20, 2014, 04:57:11 PM
Im superathletic, 6'0" with huge knobby hands, and possibly too large a rib cage...

I'm almost 45, 6'2", huge frame and apparently a perfect candidate for transition.  HRT made me feel SO MUCH BETTER that I can't imagine going without.  Even if it didn't feminize me at all, I would still take it because apparently my brain is mostly female.

YAY, Wooooot! For taking the first step...... N-not for the car crash.

But yea seriously I just wanted to chime in because I've seen a few of your posts already and your picture really stuck out to me. Is that you? 0-o Because seriously 100% honestly a millimetre too much foundation in my opinion but holy s**t(Can we swear here?) You're not already on hormones or some shizzle? First time I saw your picture I thought you had been on hormones or something for a year or two. I don't know what you look like so I can't make an overall judgement but that face on your profile, I think anyone thinking of transitioning mtf would be very jealous of that, I know I am.

Thanks Blue Rabbit, and no, I'm not on hormones yet and frankly I could be much better with make up. I really would need ffs, you can't really tell from that photo. I have pretty soft features and I think that I have pretty stong cheek bones, if that matters. I'd definitely need my forehead recontoured; maybe a brow lift; I like my nose, but I think my nostrils are a touch too flared from straight on; my chin would need to be done, I guess in and up and pointed off a bit; I've got a stong jaw, but I feel it's a bit squared at the edges. I really don't have acne or wrinkles, but I do have a fatless face which sucks. I had a baby face until a year and a half ago when all my fat just disappeared. I have nice smooth skin but the texture doesn't seem particularly feminine w/o a ton of make up, but I hope that would change. My face isn't plump enough anymore. It's probably not that bad, but it definitely makes you look more masculine and I think I'm just getting by on maybe softer features. I would really be praying to get a good amount of weight back on my face while on hormones.

I've said it before, I'm 6'0" and can gain and lose weight with ease. I'm probably 155lbs right now but within a week I could be down easy to 130-135lbs just by eating salad + fruit and jogging around in circles for an hr a day. I really don't know what my ideal weight would be, it's tought to tell with me. I like being 140-145ish but that probably would be too low for me to have a softer appearance and may magnify a larger, for a woman, rib cage. I'd put on maybe 40-50 lbs on hormones getting to 180 or so, then I'd drop I guess 20 to see where I was. I'd cut out animal proteins and supplement it with peanuts, sardines (technically animals and gross, I know) and whatever else I read is good for development. Things with high fat, good fat that is, and protein content. No drinking or smoking for a few years.

I don't know, I'm just worried that I have such a small fat content already that I won't soften up or look much different. My arms aren't huge or particularly defined unless I flex, but I feel that they definitely have a guy look if I'm not positioning them right. And like I've said, these damn hands, I really should take a picture sometime. I'd say that there my primary obstacle. I'd be nice if my caff muscles shrunk a bit, I'd probably have nice legs. Just worried that I wouldn't have any reults at my age. At 26 you'd have to clearly see some changes in physical appearance, right? I mean, even if not the prime age, at 26 you should notice some results, right?

TQ, I think so many people are too hard on themselves, me included. I can often be found in cafes looking at women and comparing with myself. I've had times when I've felt like a gorilla and other times I felt that I could pass just fine. It's obvious that cis many women are likewise very hard on themselves, and learning to relax holds true for anyone. And this is a very hard thing to do.
You've done the best thing...seek help. See where that leads you. Seek out someone (therapist) you feel comfortable with. I guarantee that you'll learn so many wonderful and certainly confidence boosting things about yourself. The inner things are the elusive treasures that will sustain you and help you through your personal journey.

You'll get opportunities to work out these feelings in therapy but I feel compelled to reiterate what others have said a bit...

Don't spend so much time determining whether you're a "good candidate." The answer to that question is not only 100% conjecture, but also completely irrelevant to what the best course of action is. I can relate to you, because you keep using words like "realistic." Trust me when I say approaching this particular issue with an air of pragmatism doesn't really work. This really is a journey of the heart, no matter what your end decision is.

(For the record though, based on your answers and picture, I think you'll be gorgeous. Hell I think you're pretty now.)

I wish you all the best. Enjoy it! It's a beautiful journey, discovering yourself.