Hello, over the past few days I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've been stricken with low self esteem as a result. I have a need and desire to help others and want to make others happy, but I am unable to in my current state. I feel so empty, so emotionless (the good emotions) and devoid of life. All I have inside is anger and this hollow sadness. I want to cry but am unable to even make tears. I long to feel some semblance of joy in my life but haven't for quite a long time now. I feel that I'm worthless, that I don't have a purpose simply because I haven't found something to do with my life that makes me feel like I'm making a difference. I think the world would be better off without me all I do is bring others down (at least that's the way I see myself). I feel selfish for wanting to transition. I feel useless because I have no passion to chase after. Basically I feel like I'm draining the energy out of everything around me just to sustain myself in a very selfish way.

I need some help, and a hug.

Any suggestions on what to do would be greatly appreciated.


Samantha

First of all hugs

Second of all try to get outside and enjoy the sun. Find something that you can take joy in even for a moment and loose yourself in that moment.

It's extremely hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you are stuck in stasis and waiting for life to start. It's a very insecure state to be in and it becomes easy to fall into a cycle of feeling worse and worse about yourself.

But it isn't true. You aren't worthless or selfish or useless or anything of the kind. Hell, that you care about the impact you have on other people, that alone proves you aren't selfish. That voice in your head saying all those things is about insecurity, not about anything even remotely approaching reality. It's super hard, but you need to try to remind yourself that you are smart and tough and kind and that you'll get through this part of your life and move on to something that's a lot better for you.

But more than that you need to be able to show yourself some concrete progress on the things that matter to you. If you can show yourself that you are moving forward, it will be a lot easier to feel worthwhile and valuable. That could mean moving forward with transition, it could mean forcing yourself to get out and do something that feels productive. Anything really. It can seem incredibly daunting, but it's actually a lot easier than the misery of siting still and feeling horrible about yourself.

And I'm really sorry you are going through this. I've been there, and it's awful. Many hugs.

Sarah

Thank you both. I hate this stupid cycle. I've been in it far too long. I want to bust out but have no idea how to. I guess maybe force myself to do different things? Things that I wouldn't normally do and maybe that will break it?

There isn't a lot I can add to what Sarah has already said, except maybe to say something about this part:

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on April 21, 2014, 09:28:39 AMI have a need and desire to help others and want to make others happy, but I am unable to in my current state.

Sweetie, help comes in many forms. It doesn't have to be something monumentally poignant and life changing. It can be as little as a smile, a hug, or a friendly ear which can make all the difference to someone. Even little things we do which seem insignificant can have the most profound effect on those around us.

I know at times it's hard to see that we might be making a difference to something, or someone, simply because we don't always see the consequences of the things we do. And low self-esteem makes us believe that nothing we do ever matters. It can feel at times like being blindfolded and seeing only darkness when you open your eyes.

Have you thought about volunteering for something? Are there any programs or enterprises near you that you could get involved in? Things maybe that are in place to benefit people who have fallen on hard times? Charity work is a great way to make a difference in the lives of others. And it might get you doing something where your focus is shifted towards what you're doing and away from the feelings you have about yourself. Help you see that you are capable, that there are things you can do, and feel like you are making a difference.

*gives you a big hug*

You can get through this, sweetie. Asking for help shows that you want to. And that is the first, and hardest step to get past. You've done that. Keep going. One step at a time.

Thank you Sephirah. I really appreciate that. I'm not sure about volunteer programs around where I am. I should really look into that. I have been trying to help the owner of the quilt shop I work in get more customers and get online though. So, I guess that counts for something.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on April 21, 2014, 10:28:26 AM
Thank you Sephirah. I really appreciate that. I'm not sure about volunteer programs around where I am. I should really look into that. I have been trying to help the owner of the quilt shop I work in get more customers and get online though. So, I guess that counts for something.

For sure it does. You're helping that person. Making a difference to the business, and their life because of it.

Sometimes, it takes a change in perspective to see that we're actually a lot better than we give ourselves credit for.

What are you good at, hon? What kinds of things do you feel you can do well? What are your strengths? Try listing 5 of them here.

If you want to help people and are looking for someplace to volunteer I know that any nursing home will take volunteers to help with activities.  Just by being there you are always able to bring a smile to someone's face.  If you work in a quilt shop perhaps you could volunteer to do some teaching at a recreation center or something.  I don't know if either of those options would help but I do wish you the best and you can have a hug from me.

Quote from: Sephirah on April 21, 2014, 10:32:13 AM
For sure it does. You're helping that person. Making a difference to the business, and their life because of it.

Sometimes, it takes a change in perspective to see that we're actually a lot better than we give ourselves credit for.

What are you good at, hon? What kinds of things do you feel you can do well? What are your strengths? Try listing 5 of them here.

I don't feel that I can do anything "well" however I will list what areas I don't completely suck at. My "best" is definitely critical thinking.  I can break down complex things into simpler things. I can devise plans and make lists. I'm not so good at taking action with them. I can create voices and characters pretty easily. Haven't figured out female voices yet though. I can write but that skill has been fading since lack of practice.  I enjoy learning about computers and like to program but I'm just an advanced beginner. I like drawing but am not as good as I wish I was. My self esteem issues seem to stem from the thought that I'm not good enough.  Others are better than me. And why bother with it. I feel that time is running away from me and it's too late to gain skills.

Quote from: Christinetobe on April 21, 2014, 10:38:47 AM
If you want to help people and are looking for someplace to volunteer I know that any nursing home will take volunteers to help with activities.  Just by being there you are always able to bring a smile to someone's face.  If you work in a quilt shop perhaps you could volunteer to do some teaching at a recreation center or something.  I don't know if either of those options would help but I do wish you the best and you can have a hug from me.

Thanks for the suggestions.  I'd be too scared to volunteer at a nursing home.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on April 21, 2014, 11:07:39 AM
I don't feel that I can do anything "well" however I will list what areas I don't completely suck at. My "best" is definitely critical thinking.  I can break down complex things into simpler things. I can devise plans and make lists. I'm not so good at taking action with them. I can create voices and characters pretty easily. Haven't figured out female voices yet though. I can write but that skill has been fading since lack of practice.  I enjoy learning about computers and like to program but I'm just an advanced beginner. I like drawing but am not as good as I wish I was. My self esteem issues seem to stem from the thought that I'm not good enough.  Others are better than me. And why bother with it. I feel that time is running away from me and it's too late to gain skills.

It's never, ever too late to gain skills, hon. Never. Heck there are 80 year old people going to college because they want to learn new stuff.

Whether there are people in life who do things better or worse, none of them is you. What you do is unique to you. And that makes it inherently valuable. I know it's very, very easy to compare yourself. Heck we all do it all the time. And yeah, very often we feel like we come up wanting. But again, that's because when you have low self-esteem you undersell yourself. And downplay the things you're good at. It kinda comes with the territory and winds up being a downward spiral. You feel like you're not good enough, and that everyone is better, so you think you can't do anything. And that reinforces the feelings that you'll never be good enough, which reinforces the feelings of negativity towards your own abilities, and so on ad infinitum.

You mentioned writing. What kinds of things do you like to write? Articles? Fiction? How about having a little practice with it and posting what you come up with here? We have a section specifically for it. You're good with coming up with characters so why not try writing a short story?

Sometimes, hon, when all we have to go on is our own criticism of ourselves... well, it's heavily biased and nothing we ever do can feel good enough. How about showing the folks here what you can do in terms of drawing or writing? Get some feedback that isn't coloured by your own perceptions of what you can do? You never know, you might be surprised by how much better at things you are than you feel you are.

Where is this section? I like to write poetry and stories and opinion based things.

Nvm I found it. Lol. If it was a snake it would've bit me.

Heya, I dunno the opening post where you said you wanna cry but you're unable to make tears. Gawwd I can so relate to that, I used to feel like that and its weird WANTING it cry and how much frustration builds up that you just want to release some how, some way.
I saw some people suggesting volunteer work 'n stuff..... Just my opinion but I really think that'd be the worst thing in the world, I don't know you but reading this post and one of your others it seems like you're desperate to please and care for other people, that you don't want to do a single thing for your self because thats selfish and you believe you don't deserve to be selfish for what ever reason, just feels bad. If that is the way you feel then there you go below.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on April 21, 2014, 09:52:49 AM
Thank you both. I hate this stupid cycle. I've been in it far too long. I want to bust out but have no idea how to. I guess maybe force myself to do different things? Things that I wouldn't normally do and maybe that will break it?

Thats just what to do, do things you wouldn't normally do, fight the fear of being selfish by being selfish. Thats what you need to do some things for you that make you happy, that make you feel good. <not allowed> other people, at least for five minutes! Of course it's important to look after your friends and other people but take some time for your self, you're important too AND, the people who care about you wouldn't want to see you sad so realllllly if you aren't selfish every now and then you ain't gonna be happy and in turn you're not going to be helping the friends you want to help.

But yea I don't suggest what I'm about to say! Because it'd be bad to suggest that. It worked for me but golly, I'm lucky its not a good thing to turn to normally. I used to feel just like you, not because of wanting to transition (I had other hurdles to deal with about that) but there was something else a couple of years ago that got me into a rut that sounds similar to what you explained in your opening thread. It was hell. I just stayed in my room asleep mostly because thats the only thing I can do to sorta numb the pain until one day a friend forced me out of my house to the pub. I got very, very drunk and did so most days for the summer holiday. Some would call that a bad thing, but I was soooo happy and I truly believe it saved my life which I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with. But it wasn't the alcohol it was my friends and all the new friends I made, alcohol just happened to be the "Activity" that I choose that I found all these friends at.

The best thing in the world or at least that I've experienced for releasing the frustration and finally feeling good again is socialising with people you truly care about and if you can finding new people to truly care about and who really care about you. Have fun with them, go wild, just let loose and you may get into some trouble! Depending on what you do! XD I did in my example a lot! But it helped more than ever.

So go grab a friend and find something you wouldn't normally do hopefully something you can make more friends at and have fun!

(Ps. anyone like who's reading that alcohol thing, I don't have alcohol problems just to clarify! XD I don't even drink that often anymore, once every other week something like that. And again I wouldn't suggest some one turn to alcohol, was just the way I found my friends who really helped me)

Bitch about your problems too! Be selfish grab some one and just vent at them about what ever is bothering you. I really didn't wanna start doing it, but once I just let loose a vented to some one and shared my issues it really did feel like a massive weight on my back was lifted. If you need some one to vent to grab me if ya want I'm happy to bitch about things any day!

Hi Lady Curiousity, *gives big warm hug*

Feeling really depressed, empty, and worthless is a normal thing when you're going through very difficult times especially when you want to transition in a society/culture that is binary-exclusive (if you are born in said body, then you can only do this kinds of stuff... you aren't given the freedom to be who you want to be). I hope that you can find much needed support here at Susan's, wherein you are able to express yourself without fear!

Quote from: Blue Rabbit on April 21, 2014, 10:29:18 PM
Heya, I dunno the opening post where you said you wanna cry but you're unable to make tears. Gawwd I can so relate to that, I used to feel like that and its weird WANTING it cry and how much frustration builds up that you just want to release some how, some way.
I saw some people suggesting volunteer work 'n stuff..... Just my opinion but I really think that'd be the worst thing in the world, I don't know you but reading this post and one of your others it seems like you're desperate to please and care for other people, that you don't want to do a single thing for your self because thats selfish and you believe you don't deserve to be selfish for what ever reason, just feels bad. If that is the way you feel then there you go below.

Thats just what to do, do things you wouldn't normally do, fight the fear of being selfish by being selfish. Thats what you need to do some things for you that make you happy, that make you feel good. <not allowed> other people, at least for five minutes! Of course it's important to look after your friends and other people but take some time for your self, you're important too AND, the people who care about you wouldn't want to see you sad so realllllly if you aren't selfish every now and then you ain't gonna be happy and in turn you're not going to be helping the friends you want to help.

But yea I don't suggest what I'm about to say! Because it'd be bad to suggest that. It worked for me but golly, I'm lucky its not a good thing to turn to normally. I used to feel just like you, not because of wanting to transition (I had other hurdles to deal with about that) but there was something else a couple of years ago that got me into a rut that sounds similar to what you explained in your opening thread. It was hell. I just stayed in my room asleep mostly because thats the only thing I can do to sorta numb the pain until one day a friend forced me out of my house to the pub. I got very, very drunk and did so most days for the summer holiday. Some would call that a bad thing, but I was soooo happy and I truly believe it saved my life which I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with. But it wasn't the alcohol it was my friends and all the new friends I made, alcohol just happened to be the "Activity" that I choose that I found all these friends at.

The best thing in the world or at least that I've experienced for releasing the frustration and finally feeling good again is socialising with people you truly care about and if you can finding new people to truly care about and who really care about you. Have fun with them, go wild, just let loose and you may get into some trouble! Depending on what you do! XD I did in my example a lot! But it helped more than ever.

So go grab a friend and find something you wouldn't normally do hopefully something you can make more friends at and have fun!

(Ps. anyone like who's reading that alcohol thing, I don't have alcohol problems just to clarify! XD I don't even drink that often anymore, once every other week something like that. And again I wouldn't suggest some one turn to alcohol, was just the way I found my friends who really helped me)

Bitch about your problems too! Be selfish grab some one and just vent at them about what ever is bothering you. I really didn't wanna start doing it, but once I just let loose a vented to some one and shared my issues it really did feel like a massive weight on my back was lifted. If you need some one to vent to grab me if ya want I'm happy to bitch about things any day!

Thank you for your suggestions. I think less planning and more action would be something beneficial to me. I need to get out of my head so much and just focus on the here and now. I'd love to talk to you some time and hear your story.

Hugs

Sam

Quote from: nanjana on April 22, 2014, 12:43:48 AM
Hi Lady Curiousity, *gives big warm hug*

Feeling really depressed, empty, and worthless is a normal thing when you're going through very difficult times especially when you want to transition in a society/culture that is binary-exclusive (if you are born in said body, then you can only do this kinds of stuff... you aren't given the freedom to be who you want to be). I hope that you can find much needed support here at Susan's, wherein you are able to express yourself without fear!

Thank you for the hug. *Hugs you back* One thing with expressing myself is I don't really know how. I think on another post I posted to I said this but here it is again. If I could choose to have been given a female body from birth then I would have. However, that's not what I ended up with so that affects the decision I have to make. I like to create characters but when it comes to trying to build myself I'm terrible at it. There are so many possibilities virtually endless and it makes it difficult. I want to be kind to others and listen to their problems and help as much as possible. Yet I also want to express my opinion. However, I don't want to try to hurt people with it. Yet I know some people will just be hurt with words and I can't worry about my actions too much if my intention wasn't to hurt them. It's a tricky role to get used to but I will try my best to fill its shoes.

Thanks for listening


Sam