After over a year of whining to psychiatrists, I've finally gotten my bloodwork done and will have my second appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm guessing I'll finally begin HRT. Sounds great, but for me the problem is my parents have been taking an hostile stance towards me starting treatment... They know what my problem is, they never went against me seeing gender therapists, but they're really harsh about this HRT thing... my dad just wants me to get a job and be useful if I'm going to do this, he said he won't be supporting "a damsel"... Found it pretty offensive how he snapped at me and said that the other night, but I think he regrets it because the next morning he had bought me a gift. My mom is a whole different story though, seriously in denial, says it feels like she's losing a child... And well, here's the thing... it might seem unreasonable and/or insensitive but I'm not delaying transition any further. I'm just not. It's been years since I "came out" to them. They knew what kind of medical help I was getting and what my goal was... I spent two years isolating myself from all the friends I have, wallowing in self-pity, being jealous of people, taking anti-depressants that don't work... and I refuse to keep going like this.

My country sucks, it just does. I can't get a job and become self-sufficient, jobs are scarce and minimum wage is seriously below what people need to make a living. I can't make 400€ a month and be paying 300€ rent... So I don't know what options I have. My "savings" are enough to survive for a month, but that's it... I don't know if I can get a job, I never worked in my life, all I have is a high school diploma.

I'm just venting but seriously... I'd rather be homeless for a while and try to do something for myself and take on a real identity, than live inside a bedroom chain-smoking and occasionally meeting friends to pretend I'm okay while I'm a train-wreck.

I just don't know what to do. I can try to talk to my dad and reason with him about HRT, make some sort of compromise (he's more reasonable but frankly my mom's the "boss" even if he makes the money), or I can lie about not having been prescribed anything yet and secretly start medicating (not sure how long I could cover that up), or I suppose I could just leave the house and stand my ground.

In all honesty, I don't think my mom could live without me. She's unemployed and a little obsessed about me and my well-being... if I'm at my grandparents we have to talk at least once everyday, I don't know if she could put up with me being on the street. She suffers from depression and is a little unstable.

So yeah, I just don't know... my parents are close to 50, my dad's pretty intelligent and not really prejudiced, but my mom's quite dumb. I don't think she has the mental capacity to understand what GID is about, she keeps treating it like sexual orientation and a choice I want to take to facilitate my "lifestyle"... whereas my dad is just skeptical...

So yeah, I don't know... I'm hoping someone here has experience on this. Does it get better with time? Do they get used to the idea and become capable of seeing me transition overtime? They've sort of known for a while but still don't accept it entirely, it's rather taboo and it feels like everyone avoids talking about my gender issues... it's just something that's "there" but isn't acknowledged.

My dad's view is that I should be independent and then pursue this, which is frankly ideal but my country's upside down, most of my friends are unemployed or moving abroad... so come on, it's not realistic, I won't be "independent" anytime soon, I'd have to work for years and hope that there's carreer progression in whatever job I hypothetically land, and then what? I leave the job to transition? His view seems a little twisted. I can't do it alone, just can't. There's someone I might split a house with but I don't know if he's acceptant of something like this, and even then, we'd split a house together only if he got a job and I did too... the odds are against the both of us.

What's the best course for me to take? Can I start HRT and cover it up for about half a year without my parents freaking out or will they be able to see changes? I didn't want to do it behind their backs, I don't like lies, but if they disapprove the only means I have to stand my ground is to go out on the street. I can't rely on my friends because they all live with their families.

Is there hope? If they approved of letting me start HRT and then move away, do parents become accepting once they start to see changes from HRT on people? Or do they usually stick to their notions and ideals and not really understand these issues?

If you check the coming out section, you will see all the drama that went on between my mother and I when I came out.  It's a total emotional roller coaster, so just a warning if you seek it out, but maybe that will give you some insight on how things went between one particular parent and child during the beginning stages of a transition. 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  My mother and I are very close.  We had a very strong bond that was hard to break and my coming out pretty much shattered it.  I'm no longer her little angel or her emotional support in a family with grief and problems.  My mom used to come to me for things, but now she can't and really doesn't have someone to reach out to for this. It's been tough for all of us. And she flipped.  She was telling me that I would have to leave my home, and that she was going to have me kidnapped and sent to a third world country to learn reality.  She even wanted me to try reparative therapy.  Many tears have been shed and a lot of anger has been misdirected at one another.  One thing I'll say is this, my mother may not understand these things, but she has the biggest heart in the world.  She really does.  And while she is emotional and doesn't always react with reason, she wants the best for me and would give her soul for me if she had to.  She is a wonderful woman and that has allowed her to maintain a relationship with me.  As of now, it's been really hard.  Every single time something about my transition comes up, all hell breaks lose.  It get's really really bad.  However, it gets this way because she loves me and wants the best.  And even though it comes out wrong, it's not intended to be hateful.  In any case, I have found things have gotten easier for  me.  I'm still at home, no longer feel too concerned about getting kicked out, and my mother and I have sort of repaired our relationship.  Although, I haven't gone full time, so that's going to be the next big blow out.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it got easier but it's still hard.

In any case, no one can know how this will play out for you, but I do hope for the best.   Still I wouldn't hide the fact that you are on hrt.  If you live with someone, they are bound to notice some of the changes.  I couldn't hide mine even when trying.  And if you are younger, that's probably going to be true with you at some point. 

Sorry you are going through this.  I know it's tough.  If you ever need someone to talk to or ask further about family drama, I'm always here.

Whether you are male or female, you will need to find a way to make your way in this world.

Frankly it is very expensive to be a transsexual, even if the NHS pays for much of your treatment.  There is no "prince" out there for most women and most likely no prince for you either.

Being transsexual doesn't make life easier, it makes life much more difficult.  Regardless of your sex, you need to develop job skills that will make you employable.  That means completing your education.

Your Dad is right.  Evidently he has carried the burden of supporting you and your mother for a long time.  It's time for you to become at least partially self supporting. 

It's too early in your life to choose permanent unemployment.

Randi 

Quote from: Mermaid on April 21, 2014, 07:29:09 AM
My dad's view is that I should be independent and then pursue this, which is frankly ideal but my country's upside down, most of my friends are unemployed or moving abroad... so come on, it's not realistic, I won't be "independent" anytime soon, I'd have to work for years and hope that there's career progression in whatever job I hypothetically land, and then what? I leave the job to transition?

Since I work in a sector that deals with homelessness I can honestly say that if you can avoid it you really don't want to be homeless. Your chances of being assaulted and a victim of crime increases sharply, your health (physical and mental) will potentially be more fragile and your chances of getting employment, slim as they are now, will diminish further.

You would be able to hide the effects of HRT for six months or so, perhaps you can use the time that affords to work on an "escape plan", one that includes some form of income (even if only from a temporary part time job) and accommodation options like a share house. Sure it means hiding it from your folks but in the meantime their resistance and denial might change.

It's a tough spot you're in, I hope you can make it through soon.

The alternative is suicide, really. I'm not that interested in keeping this identity, I do not want to start HRT when I'm well into my twenties. They keep telling me I'll become an abomination, that nobody will want to be around me... Well, if that's the case, what am I doing alive? Really. ->-bleeped-<- being employable, I can barely stand to go outside, that's how bad my dysphoria is. How am I going to obtain a job like that? My education is complete as far as I'm concerned, not everyone needs a degree.

I'm done delaying being myself. Can't take it any longer, I hate my clothes, I hate everything about me. I've been dealt a crappy hand and I might aswell quit playing and off myself. HRT was my last hope for having motivation to leave again... I don't have the strength to overcome more obstacles. Death is preferable. "too early in your life to choose permanent unemployment"? It's too late for me to draw a plan. HRT while working as male was what I had planned, I can't back out. I spent a year talking to psychiatrists, hoping tomorrow would come so that I had something to feel good about and wang to keep living... if that's taken away from me, I don't know what to cling to.

I'm really sorry but I think this is the end of the road for me... I'm just not interested enough in life... Sorry if this is the sort of post you don't want on your forums, but yeah... It's over for me.

Hi,
  I certainly understand how upsetting this all is, but my advice is don't postpone your transition for even one more day. It will be at least a few months before anyone but you will see any real difference in your appearance, and those are concealable. Your parents are ten years younger than I am, sweetie, but time and events has a way of piling up days, weeks, months and years till you'll be in your late twenties before you know it. Randi is right about the fact that being transsexual is expensive, but to not do anything till you can 'afford' it, may leave you with such emotional pain that you might someday feel that to begin your transition is too late, and to not do it will make life both unbearable and not worth living. The sooner you begin your transition the less testosterone will have you in its deadly (for mtf's anyway) grasp. These are practical things you need to think about and weigh. Your body and bone structure, though probably mostly finished by your early twenties, can still be greatly affected by HRT, and one of the worst effects that can be stopped by estrogen, is the thickening of facial hair growth. You have no idea how much of a depressing thing it is to have to shave every other or third day because of facial hair, especially living every moment as a woman, like me. These are momentous decisions you're embarking on, so you need to be sure this is what you need. Wanting had little to do with it in my life, I fought being transgendered with every ounce of my strength for 57 miserable years and only the last 31 months of living as the woman I've always been have been happy. I think that's the way it is with the vast majority of us, because who on earth would choose to be transgendered. I didn't, but since I embraced who I've always been and live my life honestly, as the girl/woman I am, I really do have peace, happiness and a good, loving relationship with my mom, my other relatives and virtually all my friends. My biggest regret, sometimes my only regret, is that I took my transition about halfway and quit in my early 20's. If I had it to do all over again, I would have transitioned while still in college. You can make this work, sweetie, and it may take awhile, but your parents will undoubtedly see a far happier young lady than a terminally depressed male impersonator, which is all I ever was. Good luck and God bless you.

P.S. Stop smoking! It costs lots of money you'll need for clothes, makeup and hormones, and it destroys your skin and ages you prematurely!

Quote from: Mermaid on April 21, 2014, 03:37:17 PM
The alternative is suicide, really. I'm not that interested in keeping this identity, I do not want to start HRT when I'm well into my twenties. They keep telling me I'll become an abomination, that nobody will want to be around me... Well, if that's the case, what am I doing alive? Really. <not allowed> being employable, I can barely stand to go outside, that's how bad my dysphoria is. How am I going to obtain a job like that? My education is complete as far as I'm concerned, not everyone needs a degree.

I'm done delaying being myself. Can't take it any longer, I hate my clothes, I hate everything about me. I've been dealt a crappy hand and I might aswell quit playing and off myself. HRT was my last hope for having motivation to leave again... I don't have the strength to overcome more obstacles. Death is preferable. "too early in your life to choose permanent unemployment"? It's too late for me to draw a plan. HRT while working as male was what I had planned, I can't back out. I spent a year talking to psychiatrists, hoping tomorrow would come so that I had something to feel good about and wang to keep living... if that's taken away from me, I don't know what to cling to.

I'm really sorry but I think this is the end of the road for me... I'm just not interested enough in life... Sorry if this is the sort of post you don't want on your forums, but yeah... It's over for me.

If it's getting you down this much, which I totally understand, then making the change is essential.  Don't worry about not having a degree.  I know very succesful peope in my life that don't and they are working jobs that usually require a ph.d.   I'm not even kidding.   You can start hrt and then find a job.  I did in past.  I was unemployed for the first few months of hrt, but I was hired twice afterwards.  And although I have a degree, it hasn't been serving me as well in this economy.  It's not the be all and end all.  If you feel this low, then taking those risks and seeing where it takes you doesn't sound like a bad idea.

In any case, I understand your pain and feel for you.  I'm 25, lving at home and searching for work once again (though I probably will become permanent at my old job that I worked for once the appeal is done) with little to my name and only have dreams and depression/anxiety that cripple them.  It's not easy, but maybe we can make it and survive.  It's never a guarantee and it will be hard a long the way, but isn't it better to see what happens before giving up on life?  Do things on your terms.  Only you can dictate your path, of course lifestyle circumstances impact us along the way and shape it. 

Good luck Mermaid.  It's tough and I know very well how these things feel, but I wish you well and hope things work out. 

Mermaid please take a deep breathe. Who told you that you would be an abomination starting HRT in your 20s? Look at my before pic. I am 47 and had not started HRT yet when it was taken. 3 months later I started HRT. I went full time January 1st, 2014. Do I look like an abomination in my avatar taken only 4 month into HRT? Please do not consider a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I almost took my own life with an automatic M-4 until I found this place. You are like me and now have support to work through this. This place saved my life so give me a chance to do the same for you. PM me and I will tell you what good has happened since I started HRT. It is not a cure all, but things look so much better when you are running on the right hormones for your body. Please PM me!

First thing you must do is to decide to live your life for your self, the first 18 years you had to live as others wanted you to; after that the choice is your own. Once you make this choice those barbs and arrows that others can shoot at you loose much of their sting.

Second move the hell out. While it may be tough it doesn't sound like that is a supportive atmosphere.

Third give your parents a choice they can accept you as you are and always have been, or risk losing you forever.

Suicide only becomes an option when you totally give up hope; but take it from me there is always ways to move your life towards where you want it to be; even if they may not be readily apparent from where you stand today. Find little ways and small steps you can take to to change your life for the better and then do so.

Mermaid I'm another late starter, I'm in my 40's and you can see I haven't been on that long at all.  We're not abominations, most of society is accepting these days, and more and more we're becoming "mainstream".  Don't listen to your parents, they are of an older generation.  My parents haven't been too accepting, but they're coming along because they see me changing and society changing, and it's not at all like they thought it would be.  My kids, and all their friends, are perfectly fine with my transition.  Everything is going wonderfully in my life.  Don't give up hope! Feel welcome to chat sometime if you need to talk things out.

Quote from: Mermaid on April 21, 2014, 03:37:17 PM
The alternative is suicide, really. I'm not that interested in keeping this identity, I do not want to start HRT when I'm well into my twenties. They keep telling me I'll become an abomination, that nobody will want to be around me... Well, if that's the case, what am I doing alive? Really. <not allowed> being employable, I can barely stand to go outside, that's how bad my dysphoria is. How am I going to obtain a job like that? My education is complete as far as I'm concerned, not everyone needs a degree.

I'm done delaying being myself. Can't take it any longer, I hate my clothes, I hate everything about me. I've been dealt a crappy hand and I might aswell quit playing and off myself. HRT was my last hope for having motivation to leave again... I don't have the strength to overcome more obstacles. Death is preferable. "too early in your life to choose permanent unemployment"? It's too late for me to draw a plan. HRT while working as male was what I had planned, I can't back out. I spent a year talking to psychiatrists, hoping tomorrow would come so that I had something to feel good about and wang to keep living... if that's taken away from me, I don't know what to cling to.

I'm really sorry but I think this is the end of the road for me... I'm just not interested enough in life... Sorry if this is the sort of post you don't want on your forums, but yeah... It's over for me.

Hey Mermaid,

Just checking in to see how you are feeling today?  I hope things are a little better than yesterday.

Quote from: Mermaid on April 21, 2014, 03:37:17 PM
The alternative is suicide, really. I'm not that interested in keeping this identity, I do not want to start HRT when I'm well into my twenties. They keep telling me I'll become an abomination, that nobody will want to be around me... Well, if that's the case, what am I doing alive? Really.

Mermaid, sweetie, no - please. I understand, honestly I do. So many times during my first attempt at transition I contemplated what you are talking about. I felt the way you are feeling. I was aged 24 or thereabouts, felt I would never be who I wanted to be, thought I was ugly, hated myself, felt hopeless and helpless and constantly wondered if ending it all wasn't the only option. And I was actually on hormones at the time!

Sometimes we hang all our hopes on one "shining light" and if it is threatened or is out of reach or isn't working out how we planned we wonder if life is worth living... well yes, it is. It took me twenty bumpy years to get to this point - sometimes it was awesome, other times not really, but it was all worth it to get here. You have your letter you are ready to begin your wonderful journey, why throw it away?

I understand things seem bleak right now, but try to imagine the life you would love to live...not a fantasy but a realistic ideal life of a strong, beautiful, capable trans woman - maybe you won't get there today or tomorrow, not even next week or next year...but that is a short time in the scheme of things of a long life well lived. What do you need to do to get there? How can you wait it out if you can't get it right away? What can you do to lift your spirits? How can you get your folks on side? What if you can't? How can you make money? Yes, it's a lot of difficult questions but believe me, unfortunately that is what a lot of life is all about. If you want a happy, meaningful life those things need to be sorted. If you feel you can't do it by yourself please ask someone for help until you can.

Please be well, look after yourself and PM me if you need to.
Hugs
Grace

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 21, 2014, 04:16:51 PM
Mermaid please take a deep breathe. Who told you that you would be an abomination starting HRT in your 20s? Look at my before pic. I am 47 and had not started HRT yet when it was taken. 3 months later I started HRT. I went full time January 1st, 2014. Do I look like an abomination in my avatar taken only 4 month into HRT? Please do not consider a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I almost took my own life with an automatic M-4 until I found this place. You are like me and now have support to work through this. This place saved my life so give me a chance to do the same for you. PM me and I will tell you what good has happened since I started HRT. It is not a cure all, but things look so much better when you are running on the right hormones for your body. Please PM me!

Extremely well said.

Thanks to everyone who posted... things are really chaotic at home right now. Apparently I have hipothyroidism (subclinical, nothing serious), so I had to tell my parents about that, and so they wanted to know what I was prescribed. For HRT I got cyproterone (Androcur), not sure how effective it is? My endocrinologist said he wanted to take it slow because of my liver, so for the first 2 months I'll be doing Androcur. Anyone else go down this path? Is it normal? Feels low to me... =/

I'll go back after 2 months... He prescribed me two boxes, I'm going to buy my medication for hipothyroidism and the two boxes of Androcur. I'll give one box to my parents and keep the other... if they allow me to take the medication, then great, if they don't, then I'll just take pills from the second box that I'll be hiding. It brings 50 units, so I don't think there'll be much harm done with me starting to medicate next week to make sure my meds run out on the date of the next meeting...

Anyway, I'm really sorry about the things I said. I was and still am an emotional rollercoaster, without much support of any kind. Feel desperate and helpless... It's really tough for me to do anything when everywhere I go, I come into contact with things that make me feel dysphoric... after a while I stop wanting to go out, that's how I got myself in this situation, I guess. For example, today I was looking at shoes in a store but I knew I couldn't buy/wear them, even TV advertisements or things like that can make me feel bad, if there's any gender stereotypes in them... even watching people can make me feel horrible... it just makes me mad at the world, even if it's nobody's fault =/

That said, yeah, I will see how it goes with starting HRT behind my parents' back... I had my first session of laser today aswell, it hurt a lot but it felt like I was being "cleansed", so I guess I can't wait to go in again...

Thanks so much for listening to me and sorry if I upset or got anyone worried, I realise that posting things like what I did is selfish... If anyone cares for it, I could keep providing updates of my situation, hopefully it improves and we get a happy story out of this... that would be my dream come true and hopefully people could use my story as motivation to overcome their own troubles... though it seems so unlikely right now... trying really hard not to let myself go down...

I can't think of anything else to say other than thanking you guys again and say that I love you all =) I'm very grateful for this place, definitly happier here than in my home...

I'm really glad you're OK. You had quite a few people concerned for your safety. It wasn't  "selfish" of you but please know that people do care for you and you can PM the mods if things are getting too much.

The two bottles seems like a good solution. Hopefully your folks will let you use the one you give to them anyway.

I had to edit your post to remove the dosage as this site doesn't allow discussion of dose amounts etc. But having seen what you did post I can assure you that seems quite normal. Endocrinologists will always start you off slowly to make sure there are no adverse reactions. Androcor is potent stuff so you certainly do not want to be taking more than has been prescribed.

OK Grace, thanks =) and yeah I won't do it again, I wasn't thinking clearly... Luckily I talked to my ex on Skype and he was really supportive, we ended up watching some cartoon his baby niece likes until I fell asleep... I love him so much.

Everyone's responses here also gave me strength today and I was already able to think a bit more clearly... Still feel bad but mostly ok now, just need to be strong I think... I hope I have it in me...

Please don't apologize.  All of us have our ups and downs.  I think I'm the queen of depression and anxiety here, so I pardon you, lol.  Getting it out is always better than keeping it in and letting it fester.

I'm glad to hear you got on the androcur.  I hope that is the start of many positive developments for you.

Just a tip, without mentioning specific numbers, cyproterone doses are usually lower than spiro doses.. Different med, different dose.

The cyproterone dose I take would be considered a very low dose of spiro.. And yet my T level is actually too low..