I thought I would post here, to see if anyone can perhaps relate and understand. But, I will apologize a head of time for this little rant of mine, and I will also put a warning here for the details to come. So, warning, not for sensitive stomachs?

Well, before I came out of the closet and came in terms with the fact that I was indeed a trans guy, I had been seeing a therapist for a while and she was one of the first few I told. Luckily for me, she is very trans friendly and has nothing against it, but after a few sessions with her she came to the diagnoses that I have perhaps an eating disorder. Usually I eat on a rather regular bases when I remember to, but when I feel extreme disphoria that goes out the window. I somehow I ether tend to starve myself till I crash and then I eat, and eat till I puke, or I just go for a whole lot of comforting food that I know my stomach does not handle, such as any milk product, and I again just get the same results as the other since my stomach just does not handle it and goes into so much shock I puke. And to be frank, it really tends to linger there most of the time. And really, I am actually rather ashamed at myself for what I do to myself...
On one hand, I was over weight perhaps about a year or two ago and have now lost about 66 pounds, which leaves me now I think somewhere around 132 pounds if I'm correct. I have such a hard time seeing myself in the mirror since all I see are hips, thighs and... as much as it pains me to say, boobs. Those are the only three places I actually gain the weight at and I hate it. I just somehow can not manage to see the weight I have lost when I look at myself in the mirror.
To tell the truth, lately my disphoria just has been getting worse and worse, but I also think I know the reason behind that. I know it is most likely due to the fact I know that I have to wait at least a year before doctors here will even consider allowing me to start T and after that it might take six more months till I can actually start T, and the thought of that sometimes weighs down on me. And, I also think it could also have something to do with the fact that the rehabilitation program I am entering tomorrow has gym two times a week and that freaks me out since I know no one is going to see another guy at the gym, what they are going to see is the body I was born with and I will be identified as that. I understand why, the concept of that is not so strange... But still... It weighs me down.
I do tend to try to keep myself optimistic and tell myself I will get there one day, but some days are harder then others.
Perhaps I should end this with a question...
For the guys who go to the gym and are pre-op, do you bind when going to the gym? I know a binder is not a good idea to wear to the gym, but any tips to at least minimize that area for the occasion?

I wear a bra vest does flatten mine to a point not real flat and wear a lose shirt over it.  Many of the guys wear lose shirts.  I have a short guy type hair cut and do not change at the gym.  There is little talking on my part at the gym so my voice doesn't give to me away.  I let people think what they want about who I am.

no one really gives a damn at the gym lol no one looks at me, they just do their own thing, I wear a sports bra which helps, so it looks like I have pecks under the shirt anyway (my chest isn't very big to begin with), I wouldn't wear a binder at the gym for health reasons, but yeah no one really cares at the gym, I'm pre T too, so I just go in and do my thing, I even have pretty hairy legs, so if they do look at me, they probably just get confused but no one will say anything to you, the gym might actually make you feel better about your dysphoria and body, it helps me out, I don't use a locker room, I just go, and shower when I get home

Thanks guys. I'll try the sports bra and see how that all goes. I suppose I can ask my grandmother if I can shower at her place once I'm done at the gym or see if I can perhaps go at other times. And I think I will also make sure my phone is fully charged as well so I can distract myself with music.

Yea.  They gym also doesn't have to be a social place.  The school gym (college) or a small community gym might have you seeing people you know more often, but in general you can make it a pretty anonymous experience.  Yea we don't want anyone in the world to assume we're female when we're pre-everything, but it doesn't seem to quite matter as much when its anonymous at least.  Like Ryan said, you're doing your thing - they're doing their thing.  No ones walking around the gym trying to suss out everyone else's gender. 

Like other people have said.  Going makes you feel good too.

I wear a loose binder or double up on a sports bra when I go to the gym. I don't shower there.

As far at the eating goes, you sound similar to me in some ways. For much of my life I had a sort of low level eating disorder that eventually became a full blown eating disorder. Lots of therapy helped me get to a stable place but I still wasn't ED free. Now my therapist and I believe that I can be. So much of it has been about the gender dysphoria.

Same, I wear a loose binder because I like the shape it gives my chest better than a sports bra.

I second others in that you should just put headphones in with your favorite workout music and do your thing. People are generally not paying attention to you, and if they are they don't care.

The gym absolutely makes you feel better, plus it raises testosterone levels which can help mood too.

when I used to workout at the gym I would wear a baggy sweatshirt now I just workout at home b/c I'm so self conscious at the gym

Thanks guys, I will see how things go at the gym next week, and I will see if my grandmother is up for letting me come over to her place to shower once I'm done.