So...at the moment, my parents are in complete denial of my gender dysphoria. At the moment, they think I'm not really trans. They think I'm some stupid idiot who thinks "I have feminine characteristics, therefore I am female" or something along those lines. This idea got ingrained into their heads before even asking me, apparently, because they refuse to see it any other way. I wish they would actually see that I want to transition because I am really a female...but I guess it doesn't help that they can't see the difference between gender and biological sex (for example, they say trans people aren't even male or female, but that they're in-between)
Unfortunately, I'm not very good at explaining my dysphoria. Anything I did say about my dysphoria...well, they kind of threw everything I said out the window and said it was bullcrap. Along with the fact that I'm depressed. They have this idea that people are only depressed because they have a happy life, but they don't realize what a happy life they have, so they start complaining about their life and saying it's horrible. Trying to see it from the point of view from a person who thinks trans is a completely bullcrap idea and that trans people destroy their "normal" bodies using things like hormones to "destroy their body and lives", I think I kind of understand why my parents think my depression is not depression. (Trans is bullcrap; therefore, supposed "gender dysphoria" causing trans people to transition also causing depression is bullcrap.)
I see where my parents are coming from, but...it's just...*sigh*. It doesn't help that my parents try to drive the point that my supposed "problem" is bullcrap and minuscule, compared to the kids starving in third-world countries and a boat accident causing children to die (there just had to be a ferry in South Korea that sunk while taking some kids on a trip...and it doesn't help that we're South Korean and that my mom looks at Korean news too).
So for now...I'm stuck for three years, being unable to medically or socially transition. Medically because parent's permission is needed for hormones and stuff until I'm 18, and socially because at the moment, my parents want me to shut up about trans and try to be happy and not think about trans stuff. It sucks even more that they don't want to see anyone that disagrees with them. They hate my school counselor, who supports me. My counselor sent an email telling my dad that I seem depressed and that he should try to get me to see someone...but my dad didn't reply because he "hated his attitude". I read the email that my counselor sent him, and it just seemed like a friendly note to my dad from someone who is concerned for me. Maybe I read it like that because I actually know my counselor (while my parents don't), but I feel like my dad just didn't like him because my counselor has a different opinion. This was also the case when I once convinced him to see a therapist about this issue. This wasn't a therapist that was trained to deal with trans stuff, but she met with a trans person once and is supportive of trans people. My parents dismissed her as manipulative and only agreeing with me for the money and not because she cares about me. (They also had a similar opinion of my counselor - only that he was doing it only because "he has to do his job - or at least, pretend to".)
I feel as though this is the case, especially when he actually ENCOURAGES me to see a counselor that agrees with him. My dad believes that I shouldn't do anything medically until I'm 18 (he says he'll support me then...but I honestly doubt that), and this Christian counselor (who also counseled my pastor, by the way) apparently agrees with him. My dad was so surprised at this and was like, "You should go see this counselor!"
*sigh*
I...just give up on them. I tried so hard, but they refuse to even listen to me, yet they wonder why I seem so sad sometimes (this is what REALLY irritates me about this whole issue).
It doesn't help that my brother, who hated me ever since I started school (Basically, all his friends kept bugging him about why I was such a "crybaby", and this supposedly "scarred him for life". I haven't cried at school in a while, but he still hates me) hates me for being "a disgrace". My brother's really into music. Everyone at school thinks he's the most talented musician they've ever met. They ask him to do a lot of music-related stuff, and I think he went on Channel One or something like that to play a song on his saxophone (of course, I don't even hear about him even doing this because he hates me so much and never even talks to me at home
). Well, the thing is...I play trumpet at school, and...let's just say I'm nothing near amazing. Apparently, his friends all ask him why I'm so horrible when he's so good (Do people these days not understand that each individual is different?). This makes him hate me even more than before, and he keeps telling me to practice my instrument.
The problem is that...I don't practice. I don't have any motive to practice, so I don't want to practice.
Today, he got so mad at me (not necessarily because I played horribly...but for other reasons), and he started insulting me. He said my playing was sh**, and the only reason I was in Wind Ensemble (which is the higher level band - the lower level is Symphonic) was because of him. It would be embarrassing when a very talented musician who had a younger brother whose playing was absolutely terrible.
Even my parents think I should practice...but I don't have a reason to. The only reason (at least, as how I see it) is because my parents think it will look good on my resume. It will look absolutely terrible if I quit because it shows a "lack of commitment". Also, it doesn't help that my parents constantly ridicule me about how I supposedly have nothing else to show I'm well-rounded, such as a sport in school. I told them I would do art, but my parents said that was bullsh** because I've never won any art awards or anything. My parents refuse to listen to me (surprise, surprise!) and are forcing me to continue playing trumpet until I graduate high school.
So, on one side, I have my parents forcing me to shut up about being trans, and on the other side, I have my brother constantly saying I'm a disgrace to him and that he never wanted to be related to me. I'm trying to deal with this...but I think I need some help. I'm trying to draw everyday so that I have (in the very least) a few minutes of peace in my mind. I'm also trying to meditate every day. Both help, but they only help temporarily. It's really hard to do homework and stuff.
I hope somebody can help me help me with this when I have all three members of my family bashing at me for whatever reason they see fit.
