So glad I found this forum!

I've always felt much more like a male & commonly questioned my birth gender. A few years ago I started having major dysphoria w/ my genitals & wishing I had male parts. I started feeling & telling everyone I dont want to be male but just want male parts.

Fast forward to now & my need, urge & understanidng of self has progressed to wanting to be a man in full & start the transition w/ HRT. I am curious if anyone else has had these feelings & experiences w/ wanting just male genitals, then changing to wanting to fully transition?

When I first came out I identified as bi not gay & looking back I did this b/c I was repressed. I'm wondering if my feelings are typical of this.

I haven't, but I'm sure that many people have. My feelings were more the reverse. I wanted to be recognized as a boy just like any of the other boys. And I also wanted my body to be very non-female gendered. And then I realized that, oh yeah, I also wanted a penis and the body I mentally always thought I should have was essentially male.

I had a similar experience to bornpurple; social dysphoria came first, physical dysphoria came second, and is still changing (growing) over the months.  I had a friend in high school that had physical dysphoria first, then social came afterward.

When I hit puberty at 13 that's when the bottom dysphoria set in with me. I actually for the longest time wanted a penis but nothing else. 3 years ago (when I ran into ftm topics for the first time) I was actually looking up ways to become a "herm" so to speak and stumbled on everything transgender. That's when the gears started rolling around in my head and 3 years later here I am with the puzzle pieces put together ect.

So yup, I know exactly how you feel with that.

I, personally, had the social dysphoria first, and now it has progressed to both social and physical. I've never in my life masturbated, because the dysphoria (though I wasn't quite aware that that's what it was at the time, I just felt this way) caused me to hate my lady parts and derive no kind of pleasure from it. Needless to say, I have little in the way of relief sexually, and I became addicted to sexual Role-Play for years before my parents found out and I had to stop. I even had the typical withdrawal symptoms; irritability, shakiness, etc. Every one of my friends that knows I don't masturbate always respond with "...How do you live?!" because they don't quite understand the absolute disgust I have with my female body. My social dysphoria started with me always associating with guys more as friends, and being more guyish in my likes (card games, video games, power rangers, etc), and as soon as I got the chance to dress myself (so to speak), I began to wear men's clothing and chopped most of my long hair off, and it's gotten progressively shorter as the years have gone by. I also remember as a small child, meaning I had no real inclination of what it entailed, I used to think "I want to be a boy."

It's a little more complicated than that for me.

As a child I always wanted to be a boy - never, ever a girl. I would insist I was a boy and fight with anyone who would listen, no matter what adults told me. I wanted boys' clothes and short hair, and no dresses or dolls or girl stuff. I wanted a boy name and I liked stories about male characters but not female ones. I always wanted to be shirtless and hated the idea of getting breasts.

The first time I saw a penis I wanted one. I felt such an extreme desire to have that a part of my body. That feeling never, ever went away. I improvised in what ways I could, but not for packing in public - for my own private time.

When I got older, I totally freaked out about menstruation and immediately went on Depo Provera to stop as soon as I was old enough for my parents to let me. I remember seeing an article in seventeen magazine about a guy (I think his name might have been David?) who was FtM and had chest reconstruction to be flat. I remember reading how he used to live as a female and there was his picture - shirtless outside! I remember thinking so much about it and how amazing that was, but forgot as years went by.



I actually ended up transitioning two years ago, after the long hiatus of my teenage years which was all me just being foxy to get men, who I would focus on and basically obsess over. I would choose guys who I idolized and looked to as almost gods - men I would've switched place with in an instant, so I chose them all for the qualities I admired about men, and a lot of that was looks.

The way I got back into this was that it began with me just growing my dick and not trying to change anything else. I used topical DHT cream for over a year with no masculinization of my face or body except my genitals. I always roleplayed as male characters and have a male 'fursona' in the furry community, which lead to my brother basically helping me to transition and get out of my parents house so I could go ahead and do things.

All in all, I decided that I like the effects testosterone had on my mind - more self-assured, no crying, no nightmares, and like the increased muscle. Yet I am not happy about the hair growth (still progressing) or the oily skin. I also realized that I like it better when I have a flat belly with my abs showing and a round butt instead of a flat butt and my fat distribution in a male pattern. For those reasons I am making an appointment to go to the doctor and get my medications adjusted.



I can really relate to how you are saying you're getting more anxious and more dysphoric - that is the same thing that happened to me when I read about trans issues and got to learning about hormone replacement therapy and stuff like that. Sometimes the cures for issues can cause more anxiety or discomfort, so proceed with caution and - most important - just ask yourself every step of the way whether you are feeling better.

Thanks guys for the awesome remarks!

It really helps to hear about the journey of others & how we all walk different trails, yet the same path. Hex, yep the missing piece was found when I discovered all about trans & gender dysphoria. It all came together.

And wise words ChaoticTribe!