last couple of days, the dysphoria's not been hitting me so hard. I've not shaved or worn girls clothes or anything. Maybe Im just too focused on sorting my life and degree out but recently I've been feeling it's not hard being in my own body. Sadly, this actually feels a bit depressing in its own way. I'm happiest when I feel I am feminine, but it's not like I can actually force myself to feel feminine, just like I failed to emasculate myself in the past when I was finding my gender to be extremely hard to deal with. I have no idea what's going on with me anymore.

Sorry I just needed a vent.

I've had a similar feeling lately, but the female in me is clawing it's way out again.  If you miss feeling feminine, chances are you will feel that way again soon.

i completely understand this topic.For the last month my feelings were so strong to be fem, wearing my girly clothes, painting my toe nails, and wearing a little makeup, but then the last three or four days the feelings kinda reduced.  I still do the same thing but I just came out to my family and kids this past two weeks.  I guess maybe I'm just sorting out my emotions.  I believe it's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel.  Like you said you can't force yourself to be fem but it's that fem in us that screams out to be heard.  Take one day at a time, search your feelings, be true to yourself and follow your heart. What helps me is taking off my socks and seeing my painted toes.  It makes me smile every time.

My GD is in waves. Unfortunately spring and summer are usually a high time all the time.

My therapist attributed that to testosterone spikes.  More testosterone = worse dysphoria.  When you have excess testosterone, it often converts to estrogen which gives you some relief because your abnormally abundant estrogen receptors are getting fed.  This is how I understand it, anyway.

If you feel bad / sad about your dysphoria not being as bad as it normally is, doesn't that mean your dysphoria is still hitting hard?

xD Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to be a pain but basically from what you said it sounds like you still want the same thing. Because you feel bad about your dysphoria not being bad today. So does that not mean you want your dysphoria to be present? Maybe you're just feeling it in different ways, maybe you're becoming more comfortable with your dysphoria so you don't feel it hit you as hard? But you still have it as much as you did the day before or the one before that?

Quote from: Jill F on April 21, 2014, 06:14:22 PM
My therapist attributed that to testosterone spikes.  More testosterone = worse dysphoria.  When you have excess testosterone, it often converts to estrogen which gives you some relief because your abnormally abundant estrogen receptors are getting fed.  This is how I understand it, anyway.

That's actually interesting. I've noticed my diet and exercise routine arent wonderful at the moment, and neither is sleep: all of these things kill testosterone levels... maybe thats it.

I get this too, but I attribute it to times when I have had to adopt a fairly conventional male role and appearance, say several times in a week.  The dysphoria usually lessens, but I feel flat and deflated, like I've been put back in my box.

My dysphoria is so inconsistent, there's never a parttern, it's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was a few years ago.

Sometimes i think "Why was I feeling so uncomfortable in my own body yesterday and now I'm suddenly kinda ok with it, DO I REALLY HAVE DYSPHORIA?" Give it a few hours, and It's back again, and I'm convinced again, I have no doubts, lol

My dysphoria is gone when I'm apathetic or depressed. It's like I don't care anymore, but when I feel positive/energetic my dysphoria starts again, and because I can't do anything to satisfy my dysphoria at the moment, I'm back to being depressed, I just don't care anymore. It's like a cycle.

Mine seems to hit, and make me depressed, when I have no other valid reason to be depressed so I'm convinced. Like this evening. My wife was joking around, poking me. When I went to poke her back she stopped me. We were both having fun with it. I said, "what's this you can poke me but I can't poke you? That's it, I'm defecting." She said, "defecting where?" I said, "in the war between the sexes I'm defecting to the other side." She said, "that would take a sex change operation, is there something you haven't told me?" I haven't and I'm not ready to yet, so I laughed it off. The dysphoria hit hard!

Cis girls don't feel feminine every day either.  My wife will go weeks without shaving or dressing girly.  The difference is that it isn't an issue of identity for her like it is for us.  Feeling unfeminine makes me question my trans status...but only briefly. 

Quote from: Dee Marshall on April 23, 2014, 11:30:47 PM
Mine seems to hit, and make me depressed, when I have no other valid reason to be depressed so I'm convinced. Like this evening. My wife was joking around, poking me. When I went to poke her back she stopped me. We were both having fun with it. I said, "what's this you can poke me but I can't poke you? That's it, I'm defecting." She said, "defecting where?" I said, "in the war between the sexes I'm defecting to the other side." She said, "that would take a sex change operation, is there something you haven't told me?" I haven't and I'm not ready to yet, so I laughed it off. The dysphoria hit hard!

I had a very similar exchange with my wife tonight.  We watched a funny video of a woman singing, and she said "If I could be anything, I'd want to be a black woman with big hair and a British accent."  I said that I'd also like to be a black woman with big hair and a British accent.  And she gave me a strange look.  If only she knew that I want nothing more than that in the world.  I'm just not quite ready for THAT conversation yet either.

And cue the dysphoria.

Dee Marshall and katiej, I hope those conversations with the spouses, when they happen, work out well.  Closeted from someone who should be your closest friend is never a fun place to be.  Good luck in advance.

Back to the topic, my dysphoria comes in waves too.  Like today, it's not too bad at all.  A few days ago, it was miserable though.  And it does make me wonder, "Hmmm, perhaps I'm not trans after all."

What bothers me the most is that on my days when I'm not feeling particularly girly, I'm depressed because I want to be girly.  To put in another way, on those days where the dysphoria isn't in the pit of my stomach, I miss it.  It's like I want to be trans - and being trans isn't necessarily something that I'm sure anybody should want.  (I might be wrong about that, but surely most people would want to live a life free from the struggles faced by trans people?)

And I feel guilty and stupid for wanting to be trans on those days where I'm just not feeling it.  It's like when I'm not feeling dysphoric, there's an emptiness inside me, like a depressing feeling that I'm just a regular guy and this is the regular guy life I'm supposed to lead for the remainder of my days.  And I'd so much rather live out my years as a female.

Yeah, I get where you're all coming from.  It's hopelessly confusing...

I totally get that. If there was a button I could push to make myself female with no possibility of return, I wouldn't even think twice about it. But if there was a button that could make me not trans and happy to be a guy, I'm not sure I'd want that.  It's just not me. 

The dysphoria is there for a reason. It doesn't have to be there all the time for it to be real. Cis gender people don't have it at all.

I remind myself of that whenever I start doubting myself and questioning whether I have the resolve to make it through transition.

In cases like this I almost have to say it is dysphoria cause like.. you're still thinking about it and then you're suddenly like why isn't it bothering and then it is bothering you because you reminded yourself in a subconscious manner. So even if you think you aren't dysphoric I'd say you probably are... And it sucks, trust me I know. I woke up this morning dysphoric, at least until put on my trusty chest binder then I felt a bit better.

Quote from: katiej on April 24, 2014, 11:43:11 AM
I remind myself of that whenever I start doubting myself and questioning whether I have the resolve to make it through transition.

I felt that way many times this year. Like before I got on HRT I wondered if I really was trans or just being stupid and looking for reasons to be depressed or have something wrong with me or whatever (Like my mom put that one in my head when I tried to tell her I'm trans last summer). But then it came to a point where I was non-functional and was falling behind in college and HAD to do something. I felt like I was dying every day on the inside and I really was. I'm on HRT now and have never felt better.