Hi group,

I'm now 60 years old, and have struggled with crossdressing/->-bleeped-<- all my life.  The urges now seem stronger than ever, and I've begun making phone calls about scheduling an evaluation to commence HRT.

But I am still undecided. I ask myself, "I'm not getting any younger, and in coming years would I rather be an 'old man' or an 'old woman'?".  I can see advantages with remaining male -- for one thing, added physical strength at a time when strength is declining generally.

Also, let's face it, my looks are not what they used to be.  There was a time when I might have passed as a reasonably nice-looking woman, but now the point is rather moot.  At least as a male I can grow a beard to hide my wattle!

Another concern is health: who knows what adverse reactions my body might have to HRT.  My body does very well on testosterone, I could easily imagine issues coming up if that were taken away -- loss of energy and motivation, for example.

Finally -- I generally feel like people around me *benefit* by my remaining male.  I'm a very energetic, positive guy, the kind who keeps on going and encouraging others when everyone else feels like giving up.  A 'heroic personality type' (or disorder!) you might call it.  Yes, I suppose that's all a game, but the fact is that people do need male role models to look up to in these challenging times.

So there you have it -- I'm in a constant quandary, and don't know what to do about it.

Based on this limited and I suppose vague information, is there any advice anyone can offer?  Did anyone else feel this way, then take the step, and discover that beyond all trace of doubt transitioning was right?  Did you discover new insights about it that you hadn't anticipated before?  Or, alternatively, has anyone found that it is quite fine to present as male and focus more on becoming female on the inside, or privately? 

I'll try to post photos of me in male and female mode, but if that doesn't work a link is here:
http://cathy2anderson.tumblr.com/




Cheers,

Cathy

Hi Cathy. I'm in the same boat your are (though I am waaaay younger at 59). I'm with you in seeing that the benefits are more for others than for myself though as a married person in a single income couple, there would be great financial hardship and problems with making up the deficit before any reasonable retirement age. I am currently seeing a therapist with significant gender experience to help me make my decision. Good luck to you.

Only you can decide whether transitioning is right for you.   I'm not in the same boat (I'm 25), so I don't know if I can help with personal experience, but I will say there are plenty of late transitioners that are happy with their decision.  Most will say they feel liberated and free.  And that's really the goal for most of us.  Anyway, what motivates you to do this?  Why do you feel called to transition? And do any of the cons that you listed negate that motivation?  Again, this is only something you can know.  As silly as it may sound, I do think a list of pro's and cons can be helpful as well as listening to your heart and emotions.  And if you haven't done this already, I'd recommend speaking to a gender therapist.  not everyone needs one, but it's always helpful if you aren't 100 percent sure.

Can I be honest?  There is much more to life than looks and being young.  I know how you may feel and I'm obsessed over it myself, but in a way it kind of traps you.  Makes you feel constantly upset with your body.  Comparing myself with other women has been a complete disappointment.  So, I would advise you to never base off your transition on looks alone.  No matter what age you are or how you look, this is something that most women struggle with, especially those of us that are trans.  I've made passing such an important priority, that I sometimes forget the goal was to be free and happy wih myself, not put myself in a box of a different kind.  That's just a little piece of advice from my own transitioning experience that I wish I had drilled into my head before getting to this point. 

In any case, I wish you well in your journey.  Please continue to open up here and or ask questions to to learn more about your own path.  Good luck with everything!

Hi Cathy! I've heard of people transitioning in their seventies. Possibly the biggest hurdle you might face will be with HRT, I've heard some endocrinologists can be very cautious in using hormones with older patients. Depending on how healthy your liver is, your blood pressure, cardio vascular system, etc it should hopefully not be a problem. I hear you on how people "benefit from you being male", that may indeed be the case but ultimately you can't make this decision based on other people - you have to make it for yourself. I spent way too many years thinking I needed to be the good "son/grandson/brother/uncle" to please others rather than taking into account what was best for me. You've taken the right steps in scheduling an evaluation, talk to someone about your feelings and hopefully they can help steer you in the right direction for you. It's a slow process, and none of us are getting younger, so a start now is better than not starting.

"Based on this limited and I suppose vague information, is there any advice anyone can offer?  Did anyone else feel this way, then take the step, and discover that beyond all trace of doubt transitioning was right?  Did you discover new insights about it that you hadn't anticipated before?  Or, alternatively, has anyone found that it is quite fine to present as male and focus more on becoming female on the inside, or privately? "(Quote)

Cathy

Now is always the best time to seek self understanding, growth and to make a conscious choice as to how you wish to be.  Some come to this point earlier than others (I am 56), some decide to fully transition, others take low dose hrt and are comfortable with a non binary outcome (queer or androgynous), others seek release and self expression through non hormonal or surgical assisted transition, cross dressing or other means; and others seek advice, consider their options and continue as they are.   But every person changes once they seek to examine their gender, their dreams, their lives and their options.  Provided you own your decision, that you are thoughtful and realistic re your choices, and that your dysphoria is not masking another issue then you are in a good place.

For me this journey of discovery and self expression has been a real blessing.  Since diagnosis as tg, FFS, treatment with low dose hrt and extensive hair removal I have arrived in a much better place as a much better person.  Yes there is disruption and you will be confronted by situations and the options available to you, but you will become more authentic, more present, more accepting and comfortable with yourself and will be able to determine just how far and at which speed you wish to transition.  The level of emotional depth, empathy, improved sensitivity to smell, colour and nuance is like leaving Kansas and entering Oz.

The irony with low dose hrt is that you will also look younger, you will be more likeable and only those you tell will have any idea why you have finally found authentic self expression,  inner peace and comfort in who you have chosen to become.  Many of us are also able to cast off  the victim of biology complex etc that we have carried with us from the moment we first experienced the symptoms of, or learned that we had, dysphoria and that we needed to act and become great males for fear of discovery and embarrassment.

Cathy, in short, I think that you have arrived at a very good time (your time) in a very good place.  See a gender therapist,  do the homework and determine the path which works best for you.  There is plenty of support here and remember every person and every journey is unique.

Safe travels

Aisla

Hi Didi,

Thanks for the reply.   I should consider myself fortunate insofar as, being unmarried, I don't have those issues to consider.  Good luck with your situation!

I still say a sense of humor is by far the best coping mechanism possible!  We don't choose the issues we have do deal with, but we can choose how we approach them

Cheers,

Cathy

Hi learningtolive,

Thanks for your reply -- you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders.

Several things motivate me:  (1) I have absolutely no social life as a male; it's like there is this curtain of anxiety or inauthenticity that comes up whenever I present as a male; it's not the *real* me; to compensate, I put on this huge show as a confident extrovert -- and I'm so good at it that people really like it; they admire and look up to me.  But I'm completely lonely; (2) virtually whenever I've had sex with a woman I've fantasized I am a woman; and I just don't seem to have the same sexual urges as other males; (3) I really do feel more comfortable and natural dressing, acting, and moving like a girl; I'm much happier.  So, in total, I have this sense that my entire male life simply hasn't worked at some basic levels, that it's a dead-end, and the problem might be that I was simply born transgendered, and need to get over it.

As far as seeing, gender therapist, I'm a counselor myself, or trained for that at least, so this kind of complicates things -- for one thing it tends to make me critical of other therapists, and because of my greater experience the roles can get reversed; but yes, in general, your suggestion is very sound.

You're absolutely right about looks.  But again it gets back to other people.  I know from experience that looking too much like a 'man in a dress' can make many people uncomfortable, or confused.  Even in San Francisco you'd be surprised how hard a time some people have dealing with this.  I'm not saying this is the only consideration, just that this is probably the main issue with appearance, not really being sexually attractive.

Cathy

Quote from: Aisla on April 24, 2014, 05:27:30 PM
more authentic, more present, more accepting and comfortable with yourself and will be able to determine just how far and at which speed you wish to transition.  The level of emotional depth, empathy, improved sensitivity to smell, colour and nuance is like leaving Kansas and entering Oz.

Thanks Aisla, this is what I was hoping to hear.  One detail I did not mention is my current level of overall jadedness .  Things seem to go inevitably wrong -- not so much because of my own errors but because of the 'fickle finger of Fate'.   My fear is that if I began to transition (even low dose HRT, which seems like an excellent option to consider), the first time anything goes wrong I will say, "Okay, that didn't work either; I'm out of here -- just go look for me holed up by myself in a cabin in Montana!"; just utterly disgusted with the system and life in general.

That's sort of the issue, now that it comes up.  I see it more clearly now.  At this point, I'm not so sure that life is something you can count on being fair or even especially happy.  As a male, at least I have a greater ability to fight back.  (I recall Beethoven's words when he learned he was going deaf:  "I shall seize Fate by the throat!")  Given the choice between Oz and a manly fight, I would choose the former.  But if life will continue to abuse me, the fighting path seems better.

I know you can't help me with that part, but, maybe you had similar kinds of doubts to begin with.  Thank you in any case for helping me see my issues a little better.  I suppose I could try low dose hrt, and see if that takes me toward a better place or not.

Cathy

Cathy,

I'm 61, I transitioned at 59.

I had all of your fears, but not your good looks (you are very pretty Hon!)

It was, has been and always will be the best decision I ever made.

Quote from: CathyAnderson on April 24, 2014, 06:15:08 PM
Hi learningtolive,

Thanks for your reply -- you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders.

Several things motivate me:  (1) I have absolutely no social life as a male; it's like there is this curtain of anxiety or inauthenticity that comes up whenever I present as a male; it's not the *real* me; to compensate, I put on this huge show as a confident extrovert -- and I'm so good at it that people really like it; they admire and look up to me.  But I'm completely lonely; (2) virtually whenever I've had sex with a woman I've fantasized I am a woman; and I just don't seem to have the same sexual urges as other males; (3) I really do feel more comfortable and natural dressing, acting, and moving like a girl; I'm much happier.  So, in total, I have this sense that my entire male life simply hasn't worked at some basic levels, that it's a dead-end, and the problem might be that I was simply born transgendered, and need to get over it.

As far as seeing, gender therapist, I'm a counselor myself, or trained for that at least, so this kind of complicates things -- for one thing it tends to make me critical of other therapists, and because of my greater experience the roles can get reversed; but yes, in general, your suggestion is very sound.

You're absolutely right about looks.  But again it gets back to other people.  I know from experience that looking too much like a 'man in a dress' can make many people uncomfortable, or confused.  Even in San Francisco you'd be surprised how hard a time some people have dealing with this.  I'm not saying this is the only consideration, just that this is probably the main issue with appearance, not really being sexually attractive.

Cathy

Out of all the things you said, I think number 3 is sort of the key.  If you feel happier and more at home with living as a women, then it follows through that you may want to take that step.  Just consider the downsides that you may face and then see if the benefits of it are still worth it.  Would the cons really negate all the potential happiness that can come for this for you?  Again, this is something that must come from within, though I do encourage you to consider all angles to make sure you have chosen the right path for yourself.

Believe me, I understand how you feel about passing.  If you stick around on the forum, you will see how obsessed I am with it and make passing 100 percent my overall goal. I Just don't want the fears and anxieties that eat me up to do the same to other people. That would be the take away point that I would give to new tranitioners.  What I've learned and would warn others about.  It's put me in another prison where I feel the need to conform and meet another standard.  Caring about passing and appearances is all fine, just don't let these things eat you up and become the be all and end all.  However, I get where you are coming from.  The good thing is passing doesn't have a timeframe or an age.  The bad news is it takes time and effort to get there and there is never a guarantee.  While I wouldn't recommend you basing your transition on these things, like I have, it's important to consider your comfort levels. With that in mind, how would you feel if you don't pass?  Could you handle that?  Again, everyone's answer differs here, but I do think that's an important consideration given that you stated that this is something you think about.  Factoring in our comfort levels and individual circumstances a head of time is always a wise move.

In any case, I wish you lot's of luck.  I just want you to know that whatever you decide there is no timeframe and age limit.  It always upsets me when I see people feeling that way because they shouldn't have to.  Just make sure you are happy and are doing what's best for you.  That's the only thing that really matters.

P.S.  Stick around and you will regret saying I have a good head on my shoulders, lol. 

Cathy

I always look at this in 2 ways.  The first is emotional peace and the second is physical presentation.  Granted, there is a relationship between the two, but you can have emotional peace and authenticity without a full physical transition. If you don't wish to present full time as a male, then presenting as A or GQ may be viable options for you.

I found low dose hrt transformational.  It shut down my dysphoria and enriched my relationships and my life. I am told that I am now a much nicer and more authentic person.   I am also presenting more ambiguously and that is also helping me immensely.

I certainly understand that you may be feeling jaded.  That you are cornered.  After a life time trying to pass as the best male that you can, you will be tired, cynical and feel inauthentic.  But is not only a choice between no change and a full transition.  You can take a couple of steps and progress at the pace and to the place of your choosing.

Certainly works for me.

Safe travels

Aisla

Better to be a late trans than a never trans.

You go girl! Do it for you. And take that same motivational energy and being a role model to trans women!

Wow...I feel young at 52!!!!  Thank you.

I never, in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be doing this.  But seven days from today, I'm getting FFS (facial feminization surgery) and then I am full time me.

I was an extrovert, a person everyone liked, a person everyone wanted to be around because I was funny.  You are right, that works!  (too hide behind)  Last night I had dinner with my two oldest friends as Jen.  For one of them, it was the first time he actually met me.  We hugged.

Physical concerns?  I've lost weight, I'm stronger, BP is 106/70, pulse is 58, everything from the blood test is ideal.  It's amazing what one does to take care of themselves when there is a reason.

Learning to Live is correct on everything she said so I won't repeat that.  (She does have a good head.)  I will say that being me is the most wonderful experience I have ever known. 

Hugs,

Jen

   Hi Cathy,
Looks like I am the oldest here so far at 64. I started hrt on 12/25/2013  three months before my 64th birthday. I could give you a long story but there is really no sense to, my choice was live or die---period.I went full time in May of 2013 and have not looked back since.I know there is a long hard road ahead of me but my life has prepared me for it,things were never easy.Thing is I would rather pass away as an old lady rather than a grouchy old man at least I am at peace with myself now for once in my life.
  You just need to make up your mind,low dose hrt may help,you can feel better and still show as male,which  to me seems what you want to do.  Good luck and may God bless you in your journey.  Pat

Quote from: Cindy on April 24, 2014, 06:43:58 PM
Cindy,

Thanks for your reply.  You look very lovely and confident (or maybe 'content with yourself' would be a better term) in the photo.  If I knew that transitioning would give me the same frame of mind as you display, my doubts would be considerably relieved.

Cathy

Quote from: learningtolive on April 24, 2014, 06:53:32 PM
how would you feel if you don't pass?  Could you handle that? 

As I've crossdressed on and off for years, I've often thought about this.  My conclusion is that what matters is not so much passing as to present an amiable, pleasant appearance, and generally to be a positive experience for other people.  In other words, I'm quite fine if someone walks away thinking, "Obviously that is not a genetic female, but he/she was very friendly and thoughtful."  What I mean is that the more my focus is on benefiting other people, the less is any concern about passing.  Hopefully we are approaching the day when people *respect* transexuals in view of their complex life journey.

An old photo from 2001 when I used to frequent the Queen Mary club in Los Angeles:

Hi Cathy,
I'm another late transitioner (57 in a few months) and because of that, I took a very, very cautious approach to whole endeavor.  I started HRT in Sept 2008, went backwards and forwards a couple of times between then and Sept 2010 when I more or less made up my mind that I was going to go for it.
One year later I did upper face FFS which already made my (very masculine) face a good deal more feminine but still not enough so to pass easily. A year later I did lower face FFS which made a huge difference allowing me to go full time in my private life. I tried at work but that quickly led to me losing my job. Happily I quickly found another job, presenting as a guy but with an appearance which had people asking questions from the outset.
I came out to my boss a month after getting the new job (One of 7 people on the senior management team of a company with 1800 employees) and we agreed to leave it at that until we saw how things worked out. Last summer he came back to me saying the company was OK with me transitioning on the job but that I had to get my Civil Identity Change done first so that everything was neat and tidy.
I got that under way but in spite of quickly getting a favorable recommendation  from the public prosecutor (I live in France where getting a CIC requires a court procedure), nothing has moved since and still have no idea when the court will finally handle my case. Since I was male failing very frequently, last Febraury my employers finally agreed to let me go full time on the job without waiting for the CIC. However, shortly afterwards my boss told me that I will be out of work at the end of July... Maybe,  just maybe  a coincidence but I took a really hard hit which I have only really started to recover from over the last 10 days.
I have the luck to be well educated, having some excellent friends and  enough money aside to be able to keep my head above the water for a while. Given this, I will be creating my own business this autumn as I no longer believe I can operate successfully in a corporate environment. No matter what they said to the contrary, my experience is that my transition was more than my colleagues could handle and since the autumn, I was progressively more and more isolated in the senior management team.
All of that to say that my transition has come at quite a high cost but in spite of that, for now I can't say I have any regrets. Even when I was feeling very very low these last few weeks, it didn't change the fact that I am intrinsically much happier living my life as a woman. This is so much the case that I have decided to use the forced interruption in work to get my GRS done. It's already scheduled for this August.  I guess I also still have enough self belief to be fairly confident that my business project will succeed, helped no doubt by the fact that I was already self employed for almost 6 years so it's something I know I can handle.
The reason I am telling you all of this is that unless you are in a very protected position and/or a very enlightened company, transitioning on the job is extremely difficult and this is something that you would maybe want to factor into your thinking.
Otherwise, for me, transitioning has allowed me to finally feel aligned with myself and join the community of women I always felt more comfortable with. This has no doubt been helped by the fact that  my outward physical presentation is now unmistakenly feminine and I'm inclined to think that this counts for a lot. For example, at work, while I became more and more distant from my male colleagues after first coming out and then going full time, I got much closer to many of my female colleagues who increasingly came to see me as one of the girls. That is something that has brought me immense pleasure as have all the simple interactions that take place between women, notably the natural warmth, the exchanges of smiles, the easy chat and intimacy that is quickly created when there are no guys around.
At the end of the day, I guess what I'm saying is that if you are still working, a late transition is a very high risk endeavor. However, from every other point of view, if deep down inside you you know that a woman has been trying to get out in the open since forever, a late transition is almost certainly better than the regret you will almost certainly feel if you never allow her to see the light of day. I guess the difficult bit is actually KNOWING and apart from real life experience, I can't see any other way to get to that level of certainty.
Hopefully that will help you a bit with your thinking and wishing you all the best.
Donna 

P.S. You have a very good face and from that point of view, start from a much better place than I did. Your 2001 photo is really cute!

Cathy, I'm pretty much in the same boat. Very ensconced in my male life. I have a fantastic wife, we've been together one way or another over 30 years. I love my job, it's like I get paid to have fun. So I often wrestle with the questions; "Do I need to transition?", "Do I want to transition?". And, of course, the "Am I f'n crazy to even think this way and what a mess my life will likely turn into?"

You however, much unlike me, sound as if you found that happy medium I have been working hard to achieve for the last 6 years. Your life is working. You are happy. You are actually proud of yourself and your accomplishments. And of course, you have the long time TG issue and tons of doubts we all face.

I tried accommodating my gender problem all my life. For the overwhelming majority of the time I knew I was transsexual, and not just a CD. In my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice I opted to "Be normal". Normal, to a point. There was no way I could completely bury Joanne, I needed to cross-dress, at least once a month. My little escape. Several times I needed to start low dose HRT to reset my brain.

This all did, yet didn't work. There are many times each month I slip into a WTF am I doing?, mood. I think Hey, I had a good 30 plus years of faking it, why not try hard for a few more? Hindsight is 20/20. I always need to remind myself "I KNOW what DOESN'T Work". That approach sure did not.

Six years or so I hit the proverbial wall. Yet another of my life's total crash and burns. This time rocking me to the total foundations on which I defined myself on. I even lost my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. I had too much time on my hands, became introspective. I realized how much of a failure it has been.  I wasn't a person, I was a thing, a machine. I had no feelings, no hopes, no wishes, no dreams. Just one long ago given up on one. Yet every disaster in my life was because of how I handled being trans.

I realized I needed to bring the two very great aspects of myself together in order to be one whole and happy person. No more Great Wall of China. No more gulag. No more Hollywood facades. (BTW - A big part of which is doing what others expect or what you think others expect of you... as a man). Transition was the absolute last thing I wanted out of this process.

A lot has changed in 6 years. Transition is still not want I want out of the process. However I am more and more realizing transition may just be what I need. I also learned to stop thinking in black and white terms. Transition does not mean one day I flip a switch and from then on I live as a woman. I spent several years living as one part-time. I've been out there in the real world as the real me. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. I felt joy. I felt totally at peace with myself.

It was and still is a long hard process. Lots of self work. Lots of tears. Plenty of fears. My first magical moment came the first time I ever attended a TG support group. It took months to find them and was a 90 mile drive. I knew I could not do this alone. While I thought I knew about all there was about being TG, I was ill prepared for the shock of being in a room full of other people just like me across the TG spectrum. I was overwhelmed. Felt the same the following month. By the third meeting I knew I needed to be there. I also the time had come to fess up to my wife, who was minding our house some 350 miles away, what I've been up to.

Thanks to my family and especially a couple of angels in my support group I survived, I grew, I got onto the path of become a person, a fully self actualized person. I still wrestle with the big transition question. I always get reminded that things are kind of working for me right now. Stop worrying about a future you cannot control. One day at a time. Not exactly my style. I am a world class worrier and get paid well for What If'ing things to death.

I eventually started therapy with the purpose of shedding a lot of the baggage and bad coping methods of being TG I developed over the years. My goal, still the same of bringing the two aspects together in harmony inside my body and soul. Transition? Been there, done that, not for me. Plus seeing an for real gender therapist required another 2 hour drive on top of the 90 minute I was already doing for a TG friendly one. Yes, there is a big difference. When I got another dream job back home in NJ I was back in the middle of what my wife calls TransCentral, just 5 miles from midtown NYC.  Unfortunately, this same center of the universe location is also about a thousand times more bigoted and transphobic, as well as godless when compared to rural West Virginia where I was doing part-time. Which in a way is good. It forces me to really look at myself, question, I found a great gender therapist. I am realizing where my true joy and passion does lie.

Little dot estrogen patches are great & less risk than oral estrogen for us older women. Good luck GF.