Is it too much to ask family and people at work to be respectful to me and call me by the name and correct gender I wish to be called and to be treated as the correct gender? (I'm MtF so to be treated as a woman) I don't want to cause trouble at work but at the same time, people need to call me by the correct gender and not go a neutral stance and just use my name instead of gender pronouns and those that do use gender pronouns, well, half call me by the wrong gender and there's been little improvement on this matter. I went to HR 2 weeks ago, haven't heard back from them or anyone since then, should I call them again?

As for family, sadly they won't call me by what I wish to be called (name/gender/pronouns) and are basically not allowing me to be around them unless I dress a certain way. The only person who DID allow me to be around them while dressed the way I wish too and would occasionally call me by the correct gender is my sis but even SHE refuses to call me by my newish and preferred female only name. I had it out with her about 2 weeks ago, haven't spoken to her since. I basically said, if she refused to call me by my preferred name then our relationship is over. I said some horrible things, even said it wasn't fair she was born fully female while I wasn't. (Ironically, she's a tom boy ) I want to apologize but, I've been doing that every time we've fought, even when it wasn't my fault and I am sick of being the ONLY ONE to ever apologize! As for the rest of my family, I put up with them because I somewhat depend on them but if I didn't then I'd be saying the same thing to them too. I don't know, maybe I should try asking my sis why she won't call me by my preferred name and explain how much it hurts me when she doesn't do so. (Btw, my old name is a gender neutral one)

Anyway, sorry now I'm rambling so, really, am I asking too much? Oh and also, what do you say to people who say "I refuse to call you by the name/pronouns you wish to be called because it goes against my beliefs and I believe it'd be more hurtful to you to do so."? because I've explained what the definition of respect is, given examples and it's like talking to a brick wall that doesn't comprehend what you're saying to it!  oh and all while said brick wall is saying "I love you." 

It's in no way too much to ask.  There's certainly nothing wrong with being who and what you are, or wanting people (loved ones in particular) to accept you as such.  Conversely, it's also important to note that unless people have lived it, it can be a near impossible concept to grasp.  For example, if you put a ball in front of someone and told them it was a cube, how would they react?  Anyone on the outside looking in can't possibly understand what you're going through and fail to realize that you are indeed female in every way but your body.  Denial is a pretty common response, especially when they've known you as one thing your entire life.  Hopefully, in time, things will improve and they'll realize exactly how disrespectful they've been. 

Quote from: Alyssa Rae on April 27, 2014, 01:00:15 AM
It's in no way too much to ask.  There's certainly nothing wrong with being who and what you are, or wanting people (loved ones in particular) to accept you as such.  Conversely, it's also important to note that unless people have lived it, it can be a near impossible concept to grasp.  For example, if you put a ball in front of someone and told them it was a cube, how would they react?  Anyone on the outside looking in can't possibly understand what you're going through and fail to realize that you are indeed female in every way but your body.  Denial is a pretty common response, especially when they've known you as one thing your entire life.  Hopefully, in time, things will improve and they'll realize exactly how disrespectful they've been.

also, people tend to grab on to religion and political beliefs to justify their denial.  Don't allow them to use that as an excuse.

Different circumstances will call for different methods of handling. I.e. you may want to take more of a humorous positive attitude with certain people, and you may have to be more stern with others if there is a lack of respect going on.

When I was first starting out I read a suggestion by Cindy said that really stuck with me:

If someone misgenders you, misgender them!

True words of wisdom. And from my own experience, it works!

This sounds kind of rough, Shan.  I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.  Can I ask- have you begun transition, and if so how far along are you? It's possible that the people in your life are having trouble accepting the new you as anything other than an abstract if they haven't seen any actual physical changes.

For people like your sister, you might consider printing out an article or sharing a book like True Selves. It's very possible that all of this resistance is just borne out of ignorance, especially of the pain caused by dysphoria. Try to help her understand. How old are you two, amyway?

As far as work goes, there are laws protecting you. Yes, keep on with HR. It's likely that you're dealing with someone who is probably just new to the whole concept of transgender and so either isn't taking it seriously, or is being passive simply because they don't have an idea what to do. Still, it is their job to see that your rights are being protected, so keep bugging them until they do something.

And in regards to people who disrespect your wishes based on their beliefs, try this response: "While your beliefs are important and should be respected, this is my reality, so please keep that in mind and respect it as well. Thank you."

I hope things start looking up. Chin up, girl, and stay strong.

Cheers,
Teg

no, your not asking to much. what you feel is something people should accept even if they dont want to. you are your own person and therefore you deserve the same respect as other. my extended family is like this because of there religious escapades. Just dont give up. like others have said, get them research materials or have them talk with someone who can help them understand your feelings. at the end of the day, you are still a person and that will never change.

Quote from: Alyssa Rae on April 27, 2014, 01:00:15 AM
It's in no way too much to ask.  There's certainly nothing wrong with being who and what you are, or wanting people (loved ones in particular) to accept you as such.  Conversely, it's also important to note that unless people have lived it, it can be a near impossible concept to grasp.  For example, if you put a ball in front of someone and told them it was a cube, how would they react?  Anyone on the outside looking in can't possibly understand what you're going through and fail to realize that you are indeed female in every way but your body.  Denial is a pretty common response, especially when they've known you as one thing your entire life.  Hopefully, in time, things will improve and they'll realize exactly how disrespectful they've been.

I believe that's the case, but, can't help but question it at times. Largely due to how I do my best to respect people and their beliefs as much as possible but their beliefs don't trump mine and my "reality" but at the same time, I try looking at it from their perspective. What I'm trying to find an answer to in this thread I've not gotten yet, hopefully I will..

As for that example, perhaps I can somehow use that to my advantage.. the anime Chaos;Head come to mind when you gave that example so maybe I can somehow use both.

Yes, and ignorance is bliss they say but not really, especially for those who get hurt due to it..

Quote from: Jennygirl on April 27, 2014, 01:07:50 AMIf someone misgenders you, misgender them!

True words of wisdom. And from my own experience, it works!

I've thought about doing that, but, I'm way too respectful and don't wish to hurt anyone. Plus, some people can't take an argument due to heart condition, job etc. and sometimes they misgender you by mistake. (Referring to those who you've met for the first time)

Quote from: Umiko on April 27, 2014, 11:51:02 AM
no, your not asking to much. what you feel is something people should accept even if they dont want to. you are your own person and therefore you deserve the same respect as other. my extended family is like this because of there religious escapades. Just dont give up. like others have said, get them research materials or have them talk with someone who can help them understand your feelings. at the end of the day, you are still a person and that will never change.

Oh I've done this, even sent them to here or Laura's PG to reach out to people who're going through what they're going through and do their research. None bothered doing so and instead went their "own" route. -_- Lot of good all my words, advice, research etc. etc. has done. All I've gotten is little in return and for wasting more than a day of my life doing so. By now it's got to be at two days of my life gone down the drain. 2 whole freaking days I could have done something better than trying to get family to understand. Honestly, I don't have much of a positive view of family (Mine at least) left and it's just not worth it I feel. I could tell them till I'm blue in the face, then purple and dead and they wouldn't get it/change. Only my sis might be worth going a little further with, the rest. Screw it. lol Sadly, I hate having to rely on them. Only good thing about that is, at least I don't have to live with them and hopefully never will again.

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 27, 2014, 01:59:58 AM
This sounds kind of rough, Shan.  I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.  Can I ask- have you begun transition, and if so how far along are you? It's possible that the people in your life are having trouble accepting the new you as anything other than an abstract if they haven't seen any actual physical changes.

For people like your sister, you might consider printing out an article or sharing a book like True Selves. It's very possible that all of this resistance is just borne out of ignorance, especially of the pain caused by dysphoria. Try to help her understand. How old are you two, amyway?

As far as work goes, there are laws protecting you. Yes, keep on with HR. It's likely that you're dealing with someone who is probably just new to the whole concept of transgender and so either isn't taking it seriously, or is being passive simply because they don't have an idea what to do. Still, it is their job to see that your rights are being protected, so keep bugging them until they do something.

And in regards to people who disrespect your wishes based on their beliefs, try this response: "While your beliefs are important and should be respected, this is my reality, so please keep that in mind and respect it as well. Thank you."

I hope things start looking up. Chin up, girl, and stay strong.

Cheers,
Teg

Shana or Shana-chan please. Thanks, sad anyone has to put up with it. I'm full time but haven't gone to put 1 therapy session which people could hear people through the walls so, nope! As a result, not on hormones yet, haven't had any surgeries yet nor any real kind of therapy yet including voice therapy. Oh and haven't had hair remove done yet. I also don't know if I'll ever be able to have any kind of surgery, especially SRS and I'd be doing good to afford the hormones let alone the hair removal too. Even so, I can pass as female but some people just can tell, usually when I speak.. Also I've been growing my hair long, it's long but needs to be a lot longer. So in terms of physical changes, aside from no hair on my skin that shows (Thank you razors) and long hair, they haven't seen me in a dress/skirt/feminine looking clothing (They've seen me in female clothing, just neutral appearance) and they haven't seen any physical changes either thanks to no HRT but hey! Least I have breasts already (small sadly, glad I have them but wish they were bigger) and my dad noticed this (Talk about no attention to detail lol) so even though it caused me a ton of trouble, things finally worked out and he's forced to see it, even if he doesn't like it.

My sis has been the MOST accepting out of the rest of my family. The only problem she has is not calling me by my preferred name and from what I gather, only because she's not comfortable with it and because she's called me by my other name all her life. That was what she said to me during our little spat. Haven't spoken to her since.. She's also taken up ignoring me and not giving me a reason for why she didn't return a call to me till a month later, no form of contact either and then when she does contact me, still nothing and later we have that fight. I never expected her to betray me like that..

I will give them a call again then and thank you. Just don't want to cause trouble and lose my job because of it and yes I know they'd be breaking the law by doing that, doesn't mean they won't do it.

Oh, sure, try telling that to someone who says "what you do on your own time is your business but around us you'll do as we say or it's the highway." (Aka, no more help when I depend on them) Even if I got a driver's license and a car, I wouldn't be able to afford to keep it+ transition and thanks to the benefits I'm on, I can't work over a set amount of hrs or I lose it and even if I got two jobs, literally worked my self to death it still wouldn't be enough to cover the cost of all the stuff I have to pay. This coming from someone who uses the bare minimum and doesn't have any bills except ones that ARE necessary and doesn't buy too much except main stuff that's also necessary. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, having to bide my time, pick and choose and not have a good view of the future due to that and thanks to minimum wadge and thanks to the darn economy that's only getting worse and worse and if it crashes, there goes any hope of transition.. sorry, hope I didn't bring you down and thanks for trying to help.

Quote from: Shana-chan on April 27, 2014, 12:39:33 PM
Shana or Shana-chan please.

Deepest apologies, Shana. I have a tendency to shorten names in an effort to sound more friendly and less formal. I do this in real life all the time. Shana or Shana-Chan it is.

Cheers,
Teg

Shana, its not too much to ask to have your family and coworkers respect you.  What they are doing is disrespecting. They want you to respect them so it's proper that they respect you. What it is is that they have to change the way they address you and that is hard for them because you have changed your identity. In other words, they have to transition also.  

Quote from: Shana-chan on April 27, 2014, 12:17:41 AM
Is it too much to ask family and people at work to be respectful to me and call me by the name and correct gender I wish to be called and to be treated as the correct gender? (I'm MtF so to be treated as a woman) I don't want to cause trouble at work but at the same time, people need to call me by the correct gender and not go a neutral stance and just use my name instead of gender pronouns and those that do use gender pronouns, well, half call me by the wrong gender and there's been little improvement on this matter. I went to HR 2 weeks ago, haven't heard back from them or anyone since then, should I call them again?

As for family, sadly they won't call me by what I wish to be called (name/gender/pronouns) and are basically not allowing me to be around them unless I dress a certain way. The only person who DID allow me to be around them while dressed the way I wish too and would occasionally call me by the correct gender is my sis but even SHE refuses to call me by my newish and preferred female only name. I had it out with her about 2 weeks ago, haven't spoken to her since. I basically said, if she refused to call me by my preferred name then our relationship is over. I said some horrible things, even said it wasn't fair she was born fully female while I wasn't. (Ironically, she's a tom boy ) I want to apologize but, I've been doing that every time we've fought, even when it wasn't my fault and I am sick of being the ONLY ONE to ever apologize! As for the rest of my family, I put up with them because I somewhat depend on them but if I didn't then I'd be saying the same thing to them too. I don't know, maybe I should try asking my sis why she won't call me by my preferred name and explain how much it hurts me when she doesn't do so. (Btw, my old name is a gender neutral one)

Anyway, sorry now I'm rambling so, really, am I asking too much? Oh and also, what do you say to people who say "I refuse to call you by the name/pronouns you wish to be called because it goes against my beliefs and I believe it'd be more hurtful to you to do so."? because I've explained what the definition of respect is, given examples and it's like talking to a brick wall that doesn't comprehend what you're saying to it!  oh and all while said brick wall is saying "I love you." 

You can't force anyone to address or accept you as female.  They will not comply with your demands because they are either not comfortable with it or just out of pure meanness.  Either way if you go through life expecting them to you will always be disappointed.  You have no control over this kind of thing.  The best thing to do is just accept it and move on.

Quote from: Amy1988 on April 27, 2014, 08:31:30 PM
You can't force anyone to address or accept you as female.  They will not comply with your demands because they are either not comfortable with it or just out of pure meanness.  Either way if you go through life expecting them to you will always be disappointed.  You have no control over this kind of thing.  The best thing to do is just accept it and move on.

I disagree with this advice. While it is true you can't make them do anything, you can make your feelings and intent clear. They will not change their behavior if you don't make your point clear, but are likely to if you do.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 28, 2014, 02:48:34 AM
I disagree with this advice. While it is true you can't make them do anything, you can make your feelings and intent clear. They will not change their behavior if you don't make your point clear, but are likely to if you do.

Yeah good luck with that.

Quote from: Amy1988 on April 27, 2014, 08:31:30 PM
You can't force anyone to address or accept you as female.  They will not comply with your demands because they are either not comfortable with it or just out of pure meanness.  Either way if you go through life expecting them to you will always be disappointed.  You have no control over this kind of thing.  The best thing to do is just accept it and move on.

If someone you worked with or spent time with kept saying things that bothered you, you wouldn't let them know? You'd just ignore it.

How about if they outright insulted you?

Yes, I DO go through life expecting respect.

If I didn't, there is no way I would receive it.

Quote from: Umiko Nixie on April 27, 2014, 11:51:02 AM
no, your not asking to much. what you feel is something people should accept even if they dont want to. you are your own person and therefore you deserve the same respect as other. my extended family is like this because of there religious escapades. Just dont give up. like others have said, get them research materials or have them talk with someone who can help them understand your feelings. at the end of the day, you are still a person and that will never change.

I agree 100% with Umiko Nixie. If people can't respect you and refer to you by the correct pronouns then they're not worth your time and they're just being ignorant! Whenever people do that to me, I look at them and I'll say sternly that I'm a woman and I'd prefer if they refer to me as such.