I lost my house back in March. Since then, I've been staying at a friend's place not far from my old house. I have a stuffed shar pei named Dusty who keeps me company. My time here is just about up, and I have to be out by May 1st. This leaves me with few options. The most promising one, is that my local LGBT clinic is helping to get me into a women's shelter. If that doesn't pan out, then I'll be living in my car and/or on the streets.

As we all know, as horrible as homelessness is, being homeless and trans is way worse. I can still cook where I'm staying, so eating rice and beans is cheap.

I've also been eating out of the trash can at the local vegan pizza place. This is so embarrassing. I've befriended a lot of the people who work there. They know how poor I am. Sometimes they give me food. Still, I hate doing this. I hate being seen doing this. I walk in and try not to make eye contact with anybody as I do this. "La la la, I'm just some cute transsexual eating out of the trash can." It sucks.

Oh yeah. I'm also often heckled on the way there for being trans.

As I said, my time here at my friend's house is just about up. It's scary here. The neighborhood is crummy, the house smells like cigarettes, and the windows don't lock. My friend's roommate usually goes to bed early to get up early for work, so I have to be quiet most of the time. I've barely been able to play music since being here. And certainly not through an amplifier.

I had one hell of a run. Three years of no job and no responsibilities. Most days, I would wake up whenever the hell I felt like, eat breakfast, get high, go skate, eat, skate more, come home, get high again, and rock out in the basement until ten or so. Then I would run around the house like a maniac, listening to loud music as late as I felt like, or play Nintendo, also as late as I felt like. I had a full music studio in my basement -- a finished basement with ceramic tiles and fake wood paneling. I had two guitar amps, a bass amp, a keyboard amp, a PA, a drum kit, microphones, and a computer to record on. I got to practice for hours and hours a day. I got really good at playing my songs, and it showed when I played live. For three years, I was able to do whatever the f--- I wanted, whenever I wanted, with nobody to tell me not to. I didn't have money for things, really, but I had a good house and could eat well. It was awesome.

Once I spontaneously drove to Woodstock, NY. I slept in my car at a rest stop. I spent the next day exploring the town. Another time, some friends and I played a show out in Ohio. That was a lot of fun. We also played one down in Baltimore.

I really got to explore my sexuality. I discovered and accepted my trans identity, with the help of some wonderful girl-friends. I explored a particular long-coveted kink with a couple of girlfriends. Being able to run around the house naked was great. Having two girls in my bed at the same time, was awesome. Being able to blast music at 2 AM was great. Being able to step outside and skate was great. (I still have that one, but my heel's in bad shape these days.) Decorating my house however I wanted, was great! And I invited my friends to do it, too. My neighbors were awesome. They totally put up with my bull->-bleeped-<- and accepted me as a person, even when I came out as trans. I was really popular on my block.

Now I'm here. I have a small bedroom with a small bed. I have my computer in a scary basement. But in ten days, I won't have any of this.

I'm scared. I feel lonely and afraid. I can't go back to my parents' house for the same reasons most trans people can't. It was also a bad place before I started transitioning. My stepdad has made my life hard since I was little. My mom battles chronic sadness and depression. They live a million miles from anything. I can't get the health care I need out there. I have no friends out there. I have no life out there. And if I lived there again, I'd never get out.

So if I can't get into this women's shelter, I'll probably be living in my car, as long as that lasts.

I am so sorry to read this.  I remember the fears of being thrown out and living in my car with nothing to my name.  It still is a distinct possibility once I decide to go full time.  I wish more people were understanding of us.

Anyway, do you think there is a chance your friend may allow you to stay if you found some work and contributed to the rent?  Do you think there is anyway that you could find a way to help out in order to stay under your friends roof? 

If not, there is no shame reaching out for help while you pick yourself up.  There is a reason for social safety nets and charities.  They help people get on their feet while providing short term relief. 

I wish I had some good solutions, but I hate to see you go through this. 

I've been trying to find work since October of 2010, to no avail. Most of the time, I get rejected before there's ever an interview. Last month, I did get a job interview. Apparently, I ->-bleeped-<-ed it up. I saw how fast they worked in there, and a voice in my head said "nope."

I process things slowly. I think slowly. I've just always been that way. And a hemorrhage in my right frontal cortex can't have helped matters. I'm either awkwardly silent (read: high), or I have diarrhea of the mouth. Seriously, there's absolutely zero filter from my brain to my mouth. I'm always late for everything, even if it's something I like. I also hate when people tell me what to do. I'm basically the worst employee ever.

To sum it all up, I am so screwed in this game called life.

And here I am, two thirty in the morning, on the internet, hoping for a glimmer of... hope.

I hope you can get into the shelter, but I presume that will be fairly temporary too?

For some reason I had always thought you were under 18, but if you're driving about, etc I guess I was wrong. It sounds like you have computer and music skills is there nowhere that you can some work in those industries?

There is no shame in seeking help from a shelter. I started transition knowing things could go very awry, yet they haven't. I have plan b, c, d, e, f (etc) toward the end if the list is shelters,  faking religion, and prostitution. At no point on the list is giving up and starving/freezing.

It's been a tough economy.  As of now, if you are young, you are at a disavantage in this job market.  I realize some will disagree, but I've seen enough statistics and have experienced enough to lead me to this view.  I feel you because I've sent my resume to many different places only to get a handful of interviews.  It;s not easy.  However, even if it is challenging, isn't it better to keep trying rather than give up?  I'm not saying there is a gurantee because I know how hard it is out there (I'm looking myself) but please don't assume you will be forever screwed and can't get passed this.  Even if you can't find work and convince your friend to keep you, there are social saftey nets.  Don't feel ashamed about using them.  And I'm sure there must be a soup kitchen or some kind of charity where you can find some food.

Lastly, do you think there is anything you can do to convince your friend to let you stay?  Is there anyone that might take you in?  It may be an awkward conversation, but it's best to try.

In any case, I'm really sorry to read this.  To be honest, it hits close to home.  When I was in threat of being kicked out, I had nowhere to go.  Even when I called my sister, she kind of talked about how living in your car isn't that bad rather than offer to take me in.  And it's still a possibility that may happen some day down the line.  It sucks.   I hate to see you or anyone else go through this.  If there was something I could do, I'd offer in a heart beat.  For now, all I can offer is advice that probably doesn't help.  I'm sorry for that.  Please keep up hope and remember things can turn around.  Life can be bleak, but it can be good too.  Hang in there and best of luck. 

This reminds me of myself in 2009 when I was brutally fired from high prestigeous job + from my home + I had to flee from my country due to death threats. I fled here in Europe for political asylum. Here as all trans unfortunately prostitution is the only way out for majority. I have undergone 2 years of hell but now it's all smoothening down. We're not lucky as Americans who have more rights and equality. You need to fight girl, we all passed through those way. Just imagine girls born in countries as Uganda, Jamaica and Middle East how tougher it is there. Be thankful you're an american trans starting with.

break my heart to hear that
why?
where did you stay before?
is this relate to trans situation?

thanks

Sorry about the predicament.

Any way to help out street vendors or a courier service, even a few hours a day? Does the pizza place need a delivery girl?

Employers need people to be there on time and be courteous and not cause issues.

If you have a disability perhaps social security can help.

Thanks for the emotional support, everybody. My homelessness is not trans-related, or at least not directly. Today I tried to meet with the woman who is helping me get into a shelter, but she had already left. Bummer. I'd even tried to call her earlier, to no avail. Nummer.

Tonight I passed a trendy sex shop and saw a sign that said they were looking for help. So I walked in, introduced myself, and applied for the job. I mentioned on the application how I believe sex needs to be destigmatized, how I've become much more sex-positive since coming out as trans, and how I can use my own empathy and compassion to help timid customers come to terms with their own insecurities. Let's hope I get this damn job!

I do have SNAP, Medicaid, and SSI/SSD in the works, but those take time. Christ, this ->-bleeped-<-'s scary.

Yes, I am very lucky to be in a trans-friendly city. I'm so, so lucky to have as many resources available as I do. Transgender health care is so easy in Philadelphia. Getting my hormones was a piece of cake. Well, it was a bottle of pills, but you get my point. Public bathrooms are easy here. I was just telling somebody today, how hard it must be for trans people, say, in the midwest.

Lady Grace, I'm actually 31. I just spend the bulk of my time skateboarding and making impulsive and irresponsible decisions, so I seem much younger. I also look young as hell, but that doesn't come through text.

I'm glad you are looking for employment.  Honestly, that's the best way to help yourself in the end.  I mean the social programs will help you for the short time while you try to land on your feet (as surviving is your priority at this moment), but it would be wise to strive for that as best you can.  It's never to late to get a start somewhere and make a change.   

Yeah, my experience with transitioning is that this is a very costly and expensive thing.  It's been a really tough thing because I already have bills to pay and now it's an extra thing that is overwhelming.  Luckily my insurance policy is covering things that my last one made me pay out of pocket for.  I hear philly is much easier to live for us and there are a lot of resources, so that sounds almost like a gift.  And this is coming from a New Yorker. 

Please believe in yourself.  I realize this is all tough and there are no guarantees in life, but if we allow ourselves to be defeated than it's unlikely we can succeed.  If you strive for succeed you may not reach it, but you are in a better position to reach it.  I hope everything works out for the best. 

Thursday is coming fast. I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I'm going to be in this scary shelter, and I won't be able to have my stuffed doggie (or my own food, for that matter). I'll have to eat on their schedule. Wake up and go to bed on their schedule. It's like I'm going to jail for being poor.

I want out of this.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but you have some options which may work out. You just need to get a grip, face reality like an adult, and there will come time for some entertainment, you just need to stay focused and get to work for now. Good luck!

Being in a shelter may sound like being in a jail for the poor but it won't be as bad as sleeping in a car will it?
I was sofa surfing last year & ended up in a hostel full of drug addicts & ex offenders, I often asked the visiting police officers why they didn't just rent a flat there & keep a few staff on site permenantly to save on petrol bills.

I had to swallow my pride to sofa surf, I had to swallow my pride to sell my possessions for food & I had to swallow my pride to go into a hostel. Less than a year later i've had assistance to get a flat & get my life back together.

They say "pride goes before a fall" & it's true, you need to ignore pride & concentrate on surviving the fall so you can climb back up later.

with my best wishes

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation but on the other hand YOU NEED to do something. You talked a lot about when you had your own place and no responsibilities and all you had to do was have fun and skate. That's awesome. Well, that's over. It's time to put on your big girl heels and woman up. As far as being a woman, there has never been a better time. Ever. yeah, it's still not great but it's better. So, you have to stay in a women's shelter...that's better than a men's prison, right? Also, transition is hard. This is not easy stuff. You have to get up, get out, and meet people. Right now, I'm in the middle of finishing up some work stuff and getting ready (read plucking and primping) to go to NYC with the BF tomorrow. Two years ago, I was captured, bound, blindfolded, pistol whipped and beaten within an inch of my life while shooting heroin in one of the worst places in America. Why? For looking like a woman and not having a vag. They wanted to rape me. I had only been on HRT for two weeks. It hadn't done anything I just look femme and can't help it. Right by there, a year or two before, three sex workers were murdered and dumped by a member of the Mutter Street Mafia, a group of thugs in Philly. I nearly died and no one would help me. Then I was arrested. I lived in abandoned houses by myself all day, every day. Then, after that, my parents let me back. I picked myself up. I started transitioning. And I went out everyday to meet people. And I did. And I have been with him for a year now. So, there's good people and bright future ahead if you make it. You can't sit around and skate anymore, girl. You need to fight to live. I'm sorry if this is harsh but I've been there and prolly in a far worse situation, but I made it hard with hard work, detemination and the use of three of my only skills: writing, cleaning, and being pretty. That last one really helps cause it gets men. But then the men want me to do the second one for them: clean. Oh, and of course, <not allowed> them. But, I love that, so yeah. help yourself. DO SOMETHING. please.

That's a hard-ass way to put it, but it's true. I didn't just piss away the days, though. I did try to find work, a lot. I'm just terrible at it, I guess. I've kind of always been a screw-up. Severe childhood trauma to the right, frontal lobe of my brain, hasn't helped either.

Tomorrow I check into the shelter. It's scary. I don't know what to expect, but I know it's not going to be a bunch of people wanting to go out and skate.

I'm trying so hard. I almost had this job last week. I had a really good interview. The woman who interviewed me liked me a lot, and I liked her. But, she liked somebody else even more. Oh well. I have to stay positive.

So you're in Philly? I am, too. Maybe after I get my ->-bleeped-<- together, we can be friends.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 30, 2014, 06:49:01 PM
It's time to put on your big girl heels and woman up.

I couldn't have said that better myself.

I've noticed that you constantly refer to yourself in very negative ways.  You make bad decisions, you never show up on time, and you prefer to have no responsibilities.  It's how you see yourself.  You identify as a screwup.  It's time to cut that ->-bleeped-<- out.  You'll never fix those until you stop letting it be your identity.  Those are actions, but you'll never be able to move past it until you stop letting it define you.

It's not who you are.  Those are things you've done.  You have made bad decisions, but there's no reason your future decisions can't be good ones. 

I spent quite a few years working as a musician, and I learned something pretty amazing.  Musicians have a reputation of being flakey and irresponsible.  And a lot of us are.  But the ones who make it, the ones who do music for a living never are.  They're always incredibly hard workers, and they're professionals.  They show up on time, they've rehearsed beforehand, and they really know their stuff.

It sounds like you've spent a lot of time working on your music, why not go after that?  Play coffee house gigs, play bars, play on the street with your guitar case open, join a band.  Do it for free at first if you have to until you've got a few regular gigs.  Do you know Pro Tools?  Could you get an internship at a studio?  You've got options.  But you just need to pick something and go after it.

I wish you the best of luck.  And you're welcome to PM me anytime if you want to talk music stuff.

I agreed with what katiej said & so sorry to hear your story, I hope you get the job you want .. good luck & please try to think positive as much as possible (I know its hard, I used to work my butt off in my 20s to get this far where I am right now), it will help you mentally ..

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on May 01, 2014, 12:25:19 AM
That's a hard-ass way to put it, but it's true. I didn't just piss away the days, though. I did try to find work, a lot. I'm just terrible at it, I guess. I've kind of always been a screw-up. Severe childhood trauma to the right, frontal lobe of my brain, hasn't helped either.

Tomorrow I check into the shelter. It's scary. I don't know what to expect, but I know it's not going to be a bunch of people wanting to go out and skate.

I'm trying so hard. I almost had this job last week. I had a really good interview. The woman who interviewed me liked me a lot, and I liked her. But, she liked somebody else even more. Oh well. I have to stay positive.

So you're in Philly? I am, too. Maybe after I get my ->-bleeped-<- together, we can be friends.

Don't worry, there has to be a job out there for you.  Have you tried going to an agency?  And Philly may have certain services worth looking into.  Like perhaps state career counsellors and programs that help the unemployed find temp work.  It doesn't hurt.  Keep going, you will get somewhere.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going into a shelter.  I hope this is only a short stop in the journey of your life.  Remember, you are young and have much to live for if you can turn this all around.  Believe in yourself and one day this will just be a distant memory.  Good luck. 

I can't begin to imagine how scary this prospect must be for you, but hopefully it will just be a small footnote in your life's story.  I'm unsure of what employment opportunities are available in Philly, but I'm sure there are plenty across the spectrum.  So long as you have a high school diploma or G.E.D, you should be able to land a decent job.  Having a college degree improves things, but isn't necessary since the fluctuation in income usually doesn't apply in most fields until a fair amount of experience is earned.  Anything would obviously be better than the current situation you're in.  If you have to work fast food, that would be a decent temporary solution to help you get in your feet.  In all likelihood, there are factories in the area that are/will be hiring.  Those jobs usually pay between $10-$30 an hour.  You may have to try a temp agency to get your foot in the door, which will usually net you $8-$12 dollars in hour, which is better than nothing.  I really wish I was financially secure enough to help you myself, because I would in a heartbeat.  Unfortunately, all I can offer is advice. 
I hope things improve for you in the very near future.