Hiya Petitekiki,
I'm sorry that you're not feeling that this is a place for you, but there are lots of different resources available.
I'm on the same side of the issue as you are. In saying that, I'm on the wife side, the side that married a man who is now wanting to be someone of a different place than where we started and where we (as of coming out), ended. I'm not saying that it's an ending such as the ending of the relationship, but the phase of the relationship as it was in our understanding and our solid place where we were two people who were one (in our minds). Our transitioning loved ones are dealing with a very large, personal issue that affects every aspect of who they are and how they stand in this world. Once they come out to us, WE are too. It's not something we ask for, and you have every right to feel how you feel! Keeping a secret that isn't yours that changes how the world will view you, is really painful and difficult. It's hard to be really PC about having to be someone you're not and never were to stay with someone who you thought you knew who is now different.
When my husband came out to me, I felt shell-shocked. My WHOLE world was up-ended in a single statement of "I have been crossdressing." It was a lance through my stomach and heart right into my brain and I almost shut down. I went into survival mode instantaneously and simply tried to find the most reassuring thing I could say and start with the silver lining. After that moment though, it certainly wasn't a happy place in my head.
The grieving process begins immediately since we instantly lose the understanding of who our husbands were and have to deal with a person who is different from who we were in love with a minute ago, but still wear the right face but are saying entirely different things than we expect them to. Once we're told who they want to be (sort of, since it seems to evolve), our brains start to go in all sorts of directions of the ultimate ending. For me, it was deciding: we have children, do I want to have them deal with the storm ahead? Do I want to be a lesbian, as I've never been attracted to females before? Can I live with my husband being a woman, not having the same sort of sex we've had for over 10 years, and how do I manage to do that? Ultimately, I looked at the end result of whether I could or could not cope with what was coming as a final decision on his part as to how far he was going to go. It took so many conversations to get to the point where we are now. I'll be really frank here, if he had told me he was going to transition all the way, I don't think that I would have been strong enough to do that. I'd have still been friends, but our relationship as we understood it prior to his coming out would have been it, the end. Your particular situation is different than mine, but in my mind, even without the children and he decided to transition fully, I don't know that I'd have been able to cope sufficiently to make the relationship last beyond friendship. It'd have been love still, but not the kind of love I think he'd have wanted from me.
You've been dealing with this an awfully long time on your own, have you got a support group/network that you've told about his transitioning? Are you able to share that with someone who knows you well enough that isn't a professional? Professional help is also very important here, I've been to a few other places and they're an invaluable resource for us SO's who are then facing depression due to the changes that arise. Knowing that you're not coping well, and that you would like some help is really important. Just because the changes are his, doesn't mean that they don't affect you, right? Sadly, we're sort of burdened with the whole lot unwillingly and are faced with so much derision when it's clear that it's not a choice you want to make to keep on. The many nights of crying don't really help, we just end up being sad that it's changed and that doesn't really fix it, does it? (Wish as we might that it did.) I found that once I discussed it with my husband that I needed someone who wasn't detached and objective from the situation to confide in, it filled him with abject fear, but I told him that it simply wasn't fair to me. I NEEDED someone who knew me to talk to about it, and I DESERVED to have the support. Once they start transitioning and going to groups and then being online, THEY get so very much support. They make new friends, new networks to find the appreciation and understanding that they need, but because they haven't told anyone else or aren't wanting to, WE are left in the dark, alone, facing the whole thing. It's terrifying, unfair and just downright isolating.
However, there are places that you can find support! It took me sometime to get it sorted out, but WOBSMATTERS was a good group to join, it's a site in the UK, but these issues are similar, and really, most of the issues surrounding this after they come out are relationship issues and those are universal. Half the time, when I'm super upset and crying my brains out, I dig deep into the issue and it ends up not having ANYTHING to do with his trans-issue, but usually an inherent personality thing.
Here's the final thing though, I know my husband isn't transitioning past hair removal. There will be no surgery, no hormones. For now. He's still intensely interested in having sex with me and being more intimate without the femme part being involved. That's the situation that I'm in. I know this isn't what you're facing. Given my standpoint, it's very different from how you're feeling, but I can empathize. If you need a chat, I'm available, and though I tend to ramble a lot, sometimes, I can make some sense.
I'd like to wish you and your husband good luck and love. I can't say for sure where you'll end up, but wherever it may be, I hope that you both find balance and happiness.
S.
