so this is going to be fairly long... not sure were to put this... I want to thank everyone in advance for reading this.  but I'm looking for help? knowledge and support? what would you describe this as? any questions feel free to ask!
so I'm a 30yr old male?...6 ft with a giant beard my whole life.. I've been shy my whole life and not very capable at real life, anxiety and fear at doing anything out of my comfort zone. I've realized I've never really been happy i don't know how to smile very well. i can have fun and stuff with my friends so i guess its not really bad. the more i know people the more weird/outgoing i get with them.  my hobbies used to be gaming tabletop miniature games, collectable card games, video games, etc. last January i weighed about 396 lbs. a lot things put incentive in my head last year to lose weight and i forced myself to finally do it, I've been over weight my whole life. at the moment I'm 256 lbs. and still continuously working on losing weight.
this is a modified thing i typed up because more than likely I'll be talking to my mom next weekend and hoping everything goes well. my therapist told me to do this. I'm the first mtf he said he has seen in their facility and his wife is working with 2 ftm.
so there has been a lot of stuff going on in the last month with me mentally maybe physically. last month i had a mental break down where i realized i wasn't happy with myself and my life. I've developed even worse anxiety that's almost constant and a feeling of hopelessness. and it has made it hard for me to get good restful sleep, but that has been getting better.  this was for a lot of reasons. I'm not really happy in my job right now. i would like to try school or something to get a better career or something. i really hate the living conditions I'm in right now but that will be getting better.  i really don't like that i feel incapable of doing anything, like driving different places... all the anxiety from even thinking about doing different things and fears of failure. the fact that i feel i don't know how to act or do things in the real world at all.
i also feel that even though i have lost a lot of weight that my physical health isn't to well as i really don't feel like, after, losing 140lbs that i have any more energy, and other things that indicate something wrong. my  plan with that is to when i lose the weight i want, so I'm no longer considered overweight. I'm going  to set up a doctor and try and start seeing them. I'll need help with that...
so the big thing that set this off and made everything worse is realizing I'm transgender. so i think i am transsexual, but am not 100% sure that I'm transsexual but it seems to be leaning towards that heavily. I'm actually seeing a therapist right now for all this stuff.  basically when this first started i was unsure exactly and still i am some what, but looking at other peoples experiences with this and looking at my own, it seems to fit whether i want it to or not. basically it shows its self as getting horrible anxiety, racing heart beat feeling of sadness with triggers, and those are basically almost anything to do with gender.  so it has been hard. but I'm fighting to have a positive attitude. this has been pretty hard for me and has made my outlook on everything negative but I'm  fighting the negativity. ATM I'm trying not to look at transitioning cause its a lot of money and even just being out risks a lot friends, family, and my job. I'm looking at kinda doing stuff without fully transitioning ATM cause it does give a little relief. all these things when i look towards the future make me think everything is hopeless like i can't even imagine beginning anything..

???so the history of this is probably very long I'm not sure what actually correlates or not but here goes.  around when i was 6 i got caught wearing my moms clothing. at puberty i started a ->-bleeped-<- thing  i honestly cant think of anything that triggered that or why or what i was thinking. i just did it not all the time. in the past and now i know i have actually dreamed/daydreamed of being a female. all this stuff i never put much thought of into until now. when i would play games/video games that gave me the option of making a female character, and would buys tons of outfits for them if i could. i typically would and only really make male characters as i felt forced especially if it was a multiplayer game. i have even in the past a couple times painted my nails and used lipstick... which does not work with a beard... i have even gone so far as to use female deodorant and act out using a maxi pad.  recently it has grown more within the year. in October i ordered my first pair of high heels online. the days the packages are supposed to come are nerve wracking in both good and bad ways, excited to get something new scared of people finding out. this is where stuff started to diverge from the ->-bleeped-<- thing into cross dressing more for comfort and feeling better. so for some reason i wanted to learn how to actually walk in them, so i looked up videos on you tube and started practicing. i stumbled upon workout video using high heels, and well i started working out in high heels and have been doing it ever since. i actually injured my foot i think stretching in high heels, which i should not have done...  slowly it became less sexual and more casual, i kept ordering shoes and other clothing. but started ordering more casual clothing to just try on sit around in or that i liked. like jeans, cute tops, etc. i even ordered some wigs and found out i really like long hair. at some point it got even into my workout more. i wasn't working out my chest cause i didn't want to lose my boobs. i was trying not to build to much muscle in my arms. and at some point i even bought a workout outfit in all pink. shoes, sports bra and pink running skirt which didn't end up fitting. with that i found out my favorite color is definitely pink. i really like the shoes for some reason. but this was when i started to think things were getting weird. i was before i started working out a lot looking at women s fitness stuff and nothing male.  i couple times even said i could go for a relaxing spa day... not even really knowing what that is. i started really liking nail art and wanting to do it. i was wondering why i was so happy to be working out in the female clothing and liked pink so much. i asked my self what body am i working towards with the weight loss... and basically all i could answer with was a good female body. it exploded for some reason after watching the movie frozen... i felt something was really weird wrong, so i looked online alot and found out tons of information on everything. and in reality it made me worse. cause that's when the anxiety exploded the lots of crying, confusion, and feeling of hopelessness. i was really bad some close coworkers realized this and really wanted me to talk to them about the problems so i did i told them everything and it went well and it helped and they wanted to help me. so that was very good. they called the therapist because i broke down and could not. it has grown this month to. i really want to get rid of my beard but fear what I'll do if that happens, I've started cleaning myself more and wanting to find something to smooth my face skin. I've let my finger nails grow and filed them. i see myself trying to act more feminine even though i don't know how. I've noticed I'm happier and smiling more while cross dressed. I've also started to hate a lot of the male aspects of myself more.  but the body image issues at times wreck me... receding hair line, tall, big build, big feet, tons of body hair....  I'm wondering if this would have come out earlier had i lost the weight a long time ago...
I've told 5 people that i feel i could trust and would be willing to help me, and so far it has been good all have been very helpful and nice about it. some other people only really know about the non-transgender stuff.
most everything i feel i have to get more money. going to the doctor is going to i think cost a lot, if i do school that will cost a lot, and if i think about transitioning that will be a lot. so to make progress and with the move coming up I've started organizing my gaming stuff to sell it. this will get me some money maybe but nowhere near as much, but I'm also doing it as a purge to clean up my life. to move forward hopefully more organized and way more intelligent with my purchases. i need to focus on the now and that is facing my fears, gaining confidence and self esteem, saving money and selling stuff as much as i can, continue working out and sleeping.
my goodness my anxiety spiked posting this. please help with anything!? I'm still pretty confused and feeling hopeless.
sorry if i did anything wrong or the length, i tried to make sure i read over all the forum rules..

Hi Lost, 

First, well done on the lost weight. Losing that much is a huge accomplishment. Secondly, while it's good to know who you are, you don't need to figure it all out today. Third, everything's going to be okay. Take a deep breath and relax. I've been where you are just a few short months ago, I know the anxiety is awful. You've found a place where it's okay to simply be you, and you can take your time to figure out who that is.

Before I found Susan's I didn't think I could transition either. Life was awful, I was miserable. Just trying to push down on my need to transition was causing so much unhappiness. Coming to grips with that was amazing, it was like finally being free. Transition is hugely life changing. It shouldn't be entered into lightly. That said, it's also unavoidable. Had I not had the strength to begin transition, I'm not I would have lived to see 2014. Ignoring ones need to transition can make things worse.

The crux of the issue is whether or not transition is right for you. Unfortunately, I can't really know what's best. Fortunately, you've found your way to Susan's. It's a safe place, I promise. Read, ask more questions, vent, chat about things large and small, maybe you can find the answers here somewhere. The community is great and everyone is helpful.

I know I said I can't know what's best for you, I can offer my opinion. It does seem to me that deep down you need to transition. Maybe you could keep exploring that idea with your therapist? There's a whole lot you can do without doing anything permanent, and you seem to be doing them. I think that enhancing your feminine side is helping, and that's probably a big indicator that you're heading in the right direction. Some cis-girls are taller than you, some have big feet, in the real world (as opposed to TV or movies) women come in all shapes and sizes and typically have some "masculine" features in the mix. No one is 100% one way or another.

Anyway, you don't have to make a decision today. You have time and lots of it. Explore the answers. Gender, like most things in this world, isn't a two-way switch, it's a whole spectrum, you don't need to fit neatly in any category. Don't be in a hurry to label yourself. You're simply you and that's pretty cool. There's only been one of you in the whole of human history. Pretty amazing when you think about it.

I'm very happy that you're already seeing a therapist and are dealing with your feelings in a positive way. I would hate for the world to lose you.

Come on in and make yourself comfortable. We're really very friendly here.

love,
-Claire

Welcome to Susan's and congratulations on the weight loss (I lost 125 lbs).

You are on the right track, seeing a therapist and exploring what you need to feel comfortable.

Transition (only you can decide) is a marathon and not a sprint. After 1.3 years I am starting to enjoy where I am and hard fought gains.

Everyone is unique, there is no instruction book and you define where you go.

It took me time to get mentally stable, address past issues and start transition. The point is to be at a place you can call your own.

Hello Lost in L,

I'm glad you found us and think you will find a lot of information and friends here. Welcome to Susan's.

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Thanks everyone I was getting worried no one would respond. I feel all my other problems make me feel hopeless. No self esteem or confidence at all no ability to function regular in the world. I had to have a friend call the therapist cause I anxietyed out. I've worked the same retail job for 11 years and only realize now I don't really like it. I can't imagine myself going to school for so many reasons. I feel if I were to try transitioning I would just lose everything. When ever I look into the future I only see failure, losing my bad job, friends, family... I've never had any female friends at all... I'll think I'm doing good then here I'am I've been crying for over the last hour and I can't even figure out what triggered it. I feel so lost and hopeless... I try to fight it so hard.

Hi Lost, 

I know this anxiety all too well. I've been there too. You're not alone. It's going to be okay, I promise.

If you don't transition will you be any less miserable than you are now? Is there an upside to staying in a job you hate and sneaking in bits of feminine comfort without letting anyone know who you really are? Just spend a moment and don't fight it. Really think about how the future might unfold if transition were actually possible... Does that seem like a bright future? One you could enjoy? If you lose friends or family over it, did they really know the true you at all? Most jobs have LGBT policies, google yours. You might be surprised. And if you lose that one, so what? It's not like you'd miss it.

Yes, I'm pushing for you to really, really consider transition. That said, you should only do it if you're absolutely positive (and have discussed it at length with a professional like your therapist). I just want to you know that if it's what you need to do, I know you have the strength in you to do it. It's not weakness to reach out, it's strength to admit you need help. You're showing how strong you are just by posting here.

Also, crying can be very cleansing. No shame there either.

You are hereby adopted and a part of this family now. Welcome, my new sister. You don't have to go through this alone anymore.

love,
-Claire

Hi lost

When I read your post it moved me, As I was reading you post, With a few exceptions I felt you was writting down my life story.

The fact you feel as though you can't function in society could be down to being unable to conform to soceties exspectations of "man" before I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria I never saw a place for me in this world, it was only when I got the diagnosis that I began to see a future for myself.

And as said your not alone, and you don't have to do it all at once. And in time you might find the more femanin you look the better you feel about youself. That's what happend with me, with how much happyer I am now, and with how meaningless my life felt before I know I'm doing the right thing for me. But I feel as though you'ill be ok.

That's not to say ther won't be low moments but the trick is remembering how far you gave come, and not focussing on how far you feel you need to go. I worry about money too, but I choose to retain my games console, being a 360 it is providing a lot of free games, and these give me somthing to help pass the time. If you have things to do that's ok, but my freinds list on their all know about me and I have a place to go and talk vocaly if I feel I need to.

Sometimes I look at my current living conditions and feel a sence of faulure given that I'm 26 and still live with my dad. But since my diagnosis I saw a future for myself a future were I will study sociolagy psychology, polotics and activisme, high goal by anyones standards. Why because since my diagnosis I've been looking up answers to question I have had and I disagree somtimes, I want to have a say and more importantly help people.

That's why I'm hear :p a start of somthing greater. But everybody is diferent and at the same time the same. We are all human but "normal" is an illution that is a majoraty vote, if we all ate fruit for brakfast and 80 perrcent ate apples and 20 percent ate oranges, it would be considered normal to eat apples. But when everybody is eating a fruit of choice how are we different when were all doing the same thing.that's just an example.

Your stronger than you think, and their is always hope. But firstly don't try and answer ehy you like this or that, because you like what you like because you like it, you were born and you exsist and have as much right to be yourself as everyone els. And in the eyes of others you will always be what they see, but everybody has different eyes and not everybody will the the same, but you to you are you, and for you that is what you see. Your not wierd your unique and that is somthing we all have in common

I'm glad your here, you making that post and pouring your heart out like that gives me strength, remided me of some of my low moments and I just want to say thank you for reminding me some of my greatest acomplishments, firstly being brave anougth to ask for help, strong anougth to accept who I am and stand up for myself. And that I'm open anought to tell people who I am.

Your a great person and I feel that I should tell you that

First off you are all awesome! And thanks. Yesterday was horrible for me I cried for most my night and couldn't sleep at all for the second day in a row. For reference my job is at a large retail store, I stock the shelves on 3rd shift. I'll deal with customers and many employees during the night I'm very nice and helpful to everyone and as far as I know most people know me and like me. I looked at the policy of this place and nothing is mentioned about gender discrimination.  If I lose the job ill not know what to do skill less and talent less. Having been there so long gives me benefits and the pay is low but minimum. I also live in a smaller town only 30,000ish people. I'm mentally atm not able to drive to the surrounding other larger cities. There are real no lgbt reasources in my town

Claire thinking of transition excited me and felt good but I know I have to wait before I can really think about it, hopefully. I want to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose and start seeing a doctor to get my physical health fixed up. I worry about how good my therapist is but he is the only one that mentioned lgbt therapy. He actually was going to start looking into hrt at the first session, I told him hold up lol. I'm hopeful cause I have to work through my other issues too and if i give him experience it might help some one else. The only gender specialists I saw were an hour and a half away... and I crying I never really cried til about a month ago when this happened, in the past I always held it in I never wanted to show weakness, I wanted to be strong for others it was hard. Now I can't even really cry its sort of half crying half holding it back, but it is cleansing I don't think of anything, it helps in away.

Butterflyvickster thank you I've noticed a lot of things from everyone's stories matching to. And thank you for the kind words we do have some similarities too. I'm going to keep going and take everything you said to heart and try to not put myself down as much. There is always hope.....

Thank you both again I go to see my therapist now actually, I hope for the best. Thanks.