Hello Everybody!
I'm Georgia, from Melbourne Australia. I turned 33 in March this year. I've only dipped a toe in the trans-pool so far, and even though I know I have a long journey ahead of me, finally accepting and taking steps towards manifesting my truth has been a profound and liberating experience.
I have spent the greatest part of my life pretending, more like performing a role. In a black and white world I was a gay man. Deep down that never felt right to me, although I'd never deny my physical attraction to men. I was feminine from infancy all the way through to my teens, and as I approached adulthood, with an understanding of homosexuality, I assumed that my feminine traits were part of the package. It was when I begun to experience rejection from inside the community I was desperately trying to establish myself in that I started having my gender conflict. So I did what anyone hell bent on acceptance and outside validation does. I changed. I shaved my head, obtained steroids and tried to add mass. Bought a needlessly butch car and wardrobe to fit my new personality. I had been a hairdresser and became a carpentry apprentice. I intentionally lowered my speaking voice and adopted an unenthusiastic monotone speech pattern. My mannerisms and posture were constantly kept in check and adjusted. I had become so entrenched with my self monitoring and censorship that I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt nothing but fear, no happiness, although my "character" could exhibit it, no sadness, all my emotions were under lock and key with my femininity. Reading post after post here I'm relieved to know I'm not the only person who's lived meticulously programmed, almost like a hologram. Now that I've tapped back into my emotions it does sadden me that myself or anyone for that matter feels or has felt compelled to go to such lengths to feel some sense of value. It's crushing when you come to the realization that all that acceptance you've worked towards achieving is derived from a facade, and consequently is false as a result.
About 5 years ago I worked briefly in a gay bar. I was aware of the transgender community but my exposure was limited to drag shows, which were for all intents and purposes just as fantastical as the person I was portraying. Entertaining? Yes, well, some of the time. But hardly an example of the real transgender experience, some of us potentially consider it a mocking example of it. She-male porn with sequins and feathers jammed in where the sex used to be if you will. I enjoyed it though for it's creative merits. Anyway, being that I was striving to achieve the all masculine "I thought you were a straight guy" patch, transgender people weren't amongst any circle I gravitated towards. However, during my time working at this bar I had the opportunity to meet the performers on a different level. And a few of them left quite an impact on me. Performers who I had the chance to meet without all the glitz and makeup, who once their stage selfs were packed in their rolling travelling cases were living and breathing transwomen. No makeup, no vulgarity, no pomposity. They were "normal". I admired and envied them all at once. And with that slightest glimpse, the quiet female prisoner inside me started a riot.
I started dressing at home, there was still fear there, but all my other emotions finally surfaced. I felt alive for the first time since adolescence. It wasn't a sexual endeavor for me, I wasn't aroused as such, but I was left questioning every sexual experience I had ever had. Every human experience I had ever had. What would they have been like if my emotions were accessible at the same time? In essence, isn't that what qualifies an experience?
I started to explore the possibilities. All the while carrying out my day to day life from inside my shell. I made two errors that set me back. One was regarding a misinterpretation of the real life experience. And the other was opening up to a friend about the yearning I had. She was a studying social worker so I assumed she was qualified or at least objective enough to have such a discussion. Little did I know that she, a) grew up with a transvestite Step-Father, b) had some residual ill feelings about it, and finally c) couldn't separate her feelings from mine during the discussion.
Disheartened, I locked my truth away once more. Reverted to my old behavior and pressed on. Life had become even less satisfying for me though. My awareness had shifted since that event. It's something in me I couldn't shake. I had an honest conversation with myself. I asked myself why I choose to deny who I fundamentally am? The person I am naturally, effortlessly? Why have I persisted with this role playing all this time, when it leaves me feeling so empty, unhappy and soul-less? No answer I came up with was in alignment with what I feel.
Thank you Susan for this incredible resource, and everyone here who's made a contribution. I am much more informed than I ever dreamt I could be. I've taken some very positive steps toward a future of self acceptance, happiness and hope. I have an appointment with a prominent gender dysphoria specialist here in Melbourne coming up and have begun telling my truth to the people I care about. They have been much more accepting than I gave them credit for and that's a blessing. I am still terrified, but at the same time I finally feel at ease and un-burdened by my own self imposed limitations, a credit to all those here who have shared their truth as well.
I AM Georgia,
thank you for reading.
