So I don't really know what to say but I feel lost. I have been on hrt off and on(finacial problems) for over a year. I have been full time since July more out of my partners insistance than my own. Even though my voice is 100% male, self conscious to the extreme and still have all my facial hair.

I want to work and make money to start finacing my laser ffs and whatnot but just thinking about it gives me anxiety. I really dont know what to do anymore. Like I said I am lost. Like as much as I hate it I was thinking about resuming my male visage just to be able to work and get ffs. I get gendered as female alot till I open my mouth or when someone sees my face fully. Tbh I know I am rather lucky regarding body size and whatnot and I try to focus on that but it doesnt work. I am not sure if I am being overly critical of myself or if it actually is a problem. The worst part is I am socially isolated, and thats always been where I have drawn confidence from. Any advice ideas or anything to help me through this rut?

You might have to take a step back to take two steps forward and it might be best to resume guy mode for a while to fund your treatment. I don't know how you'd feel about that. I simply could not do that anymore myself; after I realised the need to transition I would persist in a male role for two more years while I got electrolysis and eventually some FFS. I had no hope of being remotely passable without it, but it very nearly destroyed me.

Hi  Stephanie,
First off, from your picture you are very pretty, and have a lovely shape.  That is a huge benefit.
 
Second, Voice is a problem for a lot of us, but there are some on line trainings that help me a lot.  I do a lot of singing in my upper range, and pay attention to inflection and cadence.  (Work on centering your voice on A below Middle C)

Third, There are lots of girls who still have a lot of facial hair and manage.  It takes a long time to remedy that issue, and it can be spendy.  I supplement the pros with a home electrolysis kit, and try to do about half of the work myself.  (takes longer, and you have to be careful not to hurt yourself)

Fourth, HRT is essential eventually, but it is better to be able to stay on the medications consistently rather than having your hormone levels bounce around and becoming too crazy.

Fifth, Androgyny in the workplace is not to be scoffed at.  I'm lucky and get to transition in place and to continue to live indoors.  Not so with a lot of my sisters and brothers.  You are not copping out if you blend genders to make a living.  The trick is to have a plan so that dysphoria doesn't drive you into a grave.  We can put up with a lot if there is hope, without hope there is only darkness.  I can attest to that personally.

Sixth, Transitioning is easily the most challenging thing I have ever done.  It is often lonely, often uncomfortable, and always includes a lot of psychic risk.  If you're broke, you probably aren't getting the counseling you really ought to have to keep it together.  I have the resources, and sometimes I'm still on the edge.  If you do this, or don't do this, for your partner and not because you must for yourself, please think hard about it.  Becoming your authentic self is one thing, becoming another's idea of feminine is quite another.  People hurt themselves, and some die even under the best of circumstances.  Please be careful and kind to yourself and to your soul.

Seventh, You are in a safe and caring place.  I have never know better people than I have found here. There is strength, wisdom, love, and laughter to be had for fun and for free.  I wish you nothing but joy in this adventure, and hope you find your path safely.  There is no fixed and correct time line.  I've been on HRT for 21 months and am only going full time now, and even that seems too fast some times.

Luck and Hugs,
Julie

Thanks. I am really trying to work on my voice but I seem stuck with it the progress has kinda plateaued.
I really need to find a counselor I dont have one that I see consistently. Its covered through provincial healthcare.
O im not forming myself around that, it is me being true to myself or trying to, its just I got pushed faster than I was ready for and tbh I really think that set me back alot, I lost my sense of comfort it felt like I was trying hard just to stay afloat. Though I might try the whole scaling it back to work thing, like clothes and whatnot but even still my hair is long and even wearing guys clothes I look really feminine but can still tell my biological sex if that makes sense?

Unemployment sucks doesn't it?  I feel for you on that.  If you feel like getting a job as "male" would help, then go for it.  To be honest, if my current job situation won't work out, I'm going to continue looking for work as a guy.  It's not so easy gettinig hired as a transwoman with no history and references.  You got to survive too and this is a process.  Do what's best for you at the moment and good luck. 

Stephanie,
Vocal exercises take time, you have to strengthen muscles to mimic having shorter vocal cords.  Plateauing is normal.  Keep at it.  Are you in Canada?  There are some amazing people here from the "true north strong and free"  You might be able to get a reference for counseling and who knows, even work.

LTL,
What's your degree in?  You are one of the most articulate writers I know of.  I know a lot of people both in an out of government all over the country.  I might be able to help if you are interested.  Warning it is all science and engineering.

Julie

Quote from: Stephanie G on May 06, 2014, 12:38:05 AMI have been full time since July more out of my partners insistance than my own.

Then they ought to be supporting you as a "kept woman"... IMO.

Quote from: JulieBlair on May 06, 2014, 09:12:22 PM
Stephanie,
Vocal exercises take time, you have to strengthen muscles to mimic having shorter vocal cords.  Plateauing is normal.  Keep at it.  Are you in Canada?  There are some amazing people here from the "true north strong and free"  You might be able to get a reference for counseling and who knows, even work.

LTL,
What's your degree in?  You are one of the most articulate writers I know of.  I know a lot of people both in an out of government all over the country.  I might be able to help if you are interested.  Warning it is all science and engineering.

Julie

Thanks Julie.  I have a bachelor's in political science.  Hasn't been the smartest decision, but one day I hope to be a political science professor.  However, I've been considering going into social work or pysch instead given my difficult time finding work.  We'll see.  Grad school should happen with the next 2 years.  I held it off to finish my transition and try to get up on my feet.  Hopefully I'll have a job again soon and my former employer is trying to fight to get me back.  Sucks though while you are out.  I like being productive in the world.