My hands and my head are shaking, I want to scream and cry, and I am beginning to understand that I am defenseless against where my dysphoria is going to take me.  I want to get in my Camaro and run and run and run, as far away from my dysphoria and my life and my dreams as I can, run faster until I can escape the inevitability of the death of my male life and the birth of Satinjoy.  I know she is very special but so was my other life, I helped so many people, I was a rock, I did things most people could never survive and am a walking miracle, and now I am called inescapably to be a transwoman and I cannot escape that high calling.

I though I could control this, set boundaries, make it obey me.  I may still be able to hold my presentation as fluid, but it is increasingly hard to deny the face in the mirror, whether I see through the costume or not.

Oh God it hurts so much

If you weren't here I would be so screwed

I know the feelings will pass, they usually do, but this is agony right now, not that I don't love my trans self, but that I needed to preserve my other self for the sake of my loved ones, and he is dying and it is a painful, hard fought death

Why, why, why did I take this cross to bear - I know it is my destiny but oh my God

I have the strength but it is costing me everything I have to stay alive and fight this fight.  And I know there remains a chance that I will lose nothing, only the male self, and even that may remain, there is no predicting it

But I am learning I cannot control and I have always been the rock from hell and back again for my little family and IT HURTS

Love you girls.  Don't worry I'll survive it, I survived a low bottom on alcohol, and I have not lost anything like I did back then.

An old wino who crawled out of a cardboard box on the bowery and got sober with wet brain and who I love dearly and who got me through an 8 hour white knuckle booze battle once told me that "the secret of life was to outlast the bullsh-t."

I am transwoman.  I am strong.  I am Gods Child.  I am a survivor.

I had no idea this would be so intense.

I saw this and read the whole thing.  Sadly, I struggle with a lot of intense dysphoria, depression and anxiety myself, so I can't say I have any answers.  However, there are many people that once were in our shoes and now are living happy and productive lives.  Knowing that getting to the other side is possible keeps me alive while I remain lost in the middle.  That comforts me and I hope it can do the same for you. 

I am already coming out of it

Your post helped

Good heavens this stuff is powerful

Love to all

Satinjoy I wish I had the answers but all I can say is what works for me is just remembering that one second at a time quickly adds upto minutes then hours.  I am only starting my journey but I often want to run away from myself.  I have learned it just isnt possible.  Take a breath and remember there is always somebody here that will listen

For me, I find that asking for help is all we need to do. And waiting for an answer is that doesn't come streight away can make use feel HELP less. But the are you ok, and I'm here for you, is sometime relief anougth.

I'm glad to know you feel calmer.
Try look at your formerself as a catapilar your transintionery period as a cacoon and your true self as a butterfly.

Who we are is a result of all the who's we were.
And that your old self has no death and instead transforms into what you were always ment to be. And that your new self was once called this and looked like that, this way is what helps me I hope it helps you.

I am a feather in the wind, a free sprit and wear ever I end up, ill always remeber how I got their

Helps

Mind is shutting down, can't work

Thank God I can still follow the posts

you are helping, the posts are helping stabilize

this dysphoria seems to get dangerous at times

I need to get back in the moment, in today, you are right

Im so sorry I have to keep crying out like this but what else can I do

Oh God

Thank you

For me dealing with dysphoria is like surfing (wish I COULD surf) a powerful wave overcomes you and all you can do is ride it, that and remember that even if you wipe out it PROBABLY won't kill you. It's not comfortable and it's not safe but what choice do we have?

Failure is NOT an option.

I have every faith that you'll come to shore safe and I'll be standing on the sand cheering you on.

Unless the wave happens to grab me, too.

I have been through this same stuff myself; it's horrible..... horrible. The feelings, the doubts, the unanswerable questions, the pain, the losses, the fear and knowledge of where you are going........ tough, very tough.

It is survivable and you are a survivor; if you kicked booze then you can get through this too. Things do get better if you can endure and hang in there Satinjoy. I promise. This is the darkness right before the sun rises for you. Hang on and see your sun rise sweetie.

~Eva

If you girls weren't here ....

I am home, in a safe place, in full transition, just resting, numb but not in danger now

I am so tired

This is actually harder than getting sober was for emotional pain.  But the stakes are the same.

First things first, get out of the office and get onto the board and let it go

I am going to dump my brain all over the board now and get this stuff out of me so I can go on

Love you all, a lot

Quote from: Satinjoy on May 07, 2014, 08:41:40 AMI know she is very special but so was my other life, I helped so many people, I was a rock, I did things most people could never survive and am a walking miracle, and now I am called inescapably to be a transwoman and I cannot escape that high calling.

You don't lose that by becoming who you want to be. All those things are a part of who you are. You will still be able to help people, to do whatever you did before. A life is lived by the person. A life shapes that person. Transition can remove the dysphoria. It can make you feel right in your own skin. It can make you more able to live life the way you want to, free of that pain. But it won't fundamentally change who you are. Your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your nightmares. It is a shift in life, not a shift in being.

You don't have to give up the person you were before. Not all of that is tied into gender. Most of it is tied into the kind of person you are, quite apart from gender. You cared before, you will care again. You helped before, you will help again. You don't lose the sentience you had before. Only change a few anatomical features, and maybe a sadness that would not go away. You can still be you, just the whole you. No more hiding. You can accentuate yourself, rather than change the essentials of who you are.

*hugs*

SJ you might have been a rock in the past, but after tackling all the complexities of transition you will be a mountain. You will be an unconquerable force and have many proud to know you because you will have demonstrated your strength in the face of extreme adversity. Transition doesn't make us weak or any less as it takes guts, drive and persistence all of which are admirable qualities. I know because I have been where you are right now and I survived coming out stronger than before. You will make it because we won't let you fail or fall. Here for you always Sis! 

Thank you girls.  In bed in a nightgown resting.  Kid wants to come in, no way, not right now, not like this.  I'll watch her favorite movie later, the one with the anxiety disorder is getting triggered my my issues.  Just told her I needed down time.

My peace is back, my mind is tired, and I can't believe I crashed AGAIN.  I did not plan in life to transition, transition seized me when I hit the first wall, and I go for the ride, and in the back seat, someone else seems to be driving and I don't have their roadmap.  But the driver has to be the One that made me so I need to try to stop steering and hitting the brakes in the backseat, like teaching a kid to drive the first time out.

ooooff.   I hope these episodes either go away or are of shorter duration.  Day at a time.  Too much fear, mostly of extended family who are stupid when it comes to anything different from what they consider normal, and realizing this is way more powerful than I ever dreamed.

Hi Sweetie,

I am glad you're still standing.  How long can you pretend to be a boy?  What good does it do if trying to hold your family together destroys you?  I don't know the answers, but I asked those questions of myself.  You are one of God's children. Unique and valuable as you are.  I know exactly how hard this is for you, and I know exactly how much pain you are in.  As you told me over the weekend, don't give up before the miracle. As I have told you before, and doubtless will again. You are loved by many, and in particular by me.

Julie

   Hi SJ, you know I have been there and where I am, I will wait. It will pass and you will be stronger because you have faith it is truly a difficult path that we walk and there is a reward at the end-----our freedom.     Patty

Coming out of it more now.

No I am not a boy nor do I attempt to act or even look like one now, but not a girl either, and that doesn't matter, physically all girl mentally something else but transwoman nonetheless under the social "whatever the heck that is".  I have been presenting andro at work, that is the social core, and been a brave girl with that.. . sounds contradictory... but I have the stops off on feelings and repression and feel like a raw nerve.  Out of the cage.

I just do not want to lose what I have and I don't want to FTE since it will cause that, and i cannot predict where this dysphoria will take me.  I just cannot predict it.  Not when I have a non binary center, which may or may not move to female.

And what I do to show the familiar to my wife is getting harder to do now.  Still possible, but it is a little tougher to see my untransitioned face.  Sooner or later it is going to give out and she will either be able to handle it or she will crash out too.  Or maybe I can hold it off and keep seeing through the mask.

The uncertainty is mind blowing for me.  I didn't really want to FTE, and I need the hormones no matter what.

I keep saying it over and over again.  But I guess its ok because if I lose it,  I let a lot of folks down, you at Susan's, family, everyone, I am no good to anyone if I self destruct, regardless of the road transition takes me down.

What we have to face born trans.  OMG.  I never dreamed this could happen to me, just whistful thoughts, never expected it to play out and become reality.  Had no choice either.

I feel like a real dummy now.  You must think I am crazy.

Thank you girls for pulling me through yet another crisis.  I feel embarrassed and a bit ashamed.

Strange place, this wonderland.

I still feel this need to hide.  I hope nobody minds all this darned drama here, I didn't mean to get like this.  I don't want to come out of my room.

How do I explain to work that I had a meltdown again about being trans and couldn't focus on my job... they know something is wrong.  But the sane part of me tells me that normal jobs admit people sometimes need breaks to stay sane.

I told them it was DES when I ran out.  And it actually is, the womb transition catching me mid 50's, like so many others here.

If people weren't so darn homophobic it sure would be helpful.  Do they have any clue how much harm they do to others?

Thank you girls for picking up the peices again.

I thought i had all this stuff together after a year therapy and HRT.  Guess not, huh.

One to two years from now, I hope to tell you how beautiful wonderland is, that i stayed married, and that she and her other she lived happily ever after.  And that I finally grew boobs past an A cup, that would be very nice... .  Rocks instead of mountains right now indeed Jess.  he he

Many thanks.

And you wonder why i feel so strongly about Susans.  I'd be in a psych ward by now without us.

I need to watch some 60's Star Trek episodes and get jealous again of those girls.  And my polarity appears to be changing, the guys are starting to look good, at least the guest stars.  Like Montalbahn... wow.

Everything is changing.  Id take my wife over him anyway, I still love her dearly.  If I didn't, this would be a lot easier.  The classic trans dilemma, the heartbreak so many of us must overcome.  I don't want that path for anything.

SJ -

I'm glad that your roller coaster ride has come to an end for now. GD is extremely powerful and it can and will take you on that roller coaster ride and you have no choice in the matter. Just hang in there a little longer sweetie!

Old Star Trek - I was always partial to Ohura. That show was way ahead of it's time IMO.

Still unstable here, but better.  It comes and goes, like at the coaster bottom

Feeling weak.

GenderFluid or not, the physical dysphoria part of me is kicking my butt.  I'm triggering all over the place, can't see a female figure right now without it hitting dreadfully hard.

Counting down to therapy Monday.  Hanging onto Susans again and all of you.

Never question why I seem syrupy about you all.  Look what is at stake here.  The feelings I feel for everyone here are genuine

I had come so far last week, I even came out endo

God Bless

If I can help any PM and I will stay on as long as you need me.

Now just why do I doubt "I know I can control this. I can make it obey me...."? I suspect that like me you tried to with some successful for decades. Then sort of found out in a not so good way that you really cannot control it, only stuff it. After a while the pressure keeps on increasing until something must give.

These past 6 years I have learned one absolute truth about myself. "I know what does not work". I learned that hard lesson about stuffing. I learned where thinking through the force of will I can get through this. I also learned I can fall off that wagon. I get scared. I get overwhelmed by shame. Paralyzed by guilt. I say to myself "Hey! I did it once, I can do it again!". Sometimes I even try to. Then comes the crash and burn.

While one can argue that you did not take this cross to bear, it is not like you really had a choice in being trans. The choice you do have is how to respond to the challenge. I have kind of come to believe in the theory that before we are born we are able to pick the challenges we want to face in this lifetime. I also believe we would not be given them if we were not up to the task. Think of it as a karmic test.

One of biggest "WTF am I doing?" triggers is when I begin obsessing over the future. Living in the present, not in the past, and certainly not in a totally unknown and uncontrollable future has been a foreign concept to me. Perhaps my big cross since "What if'ing" things to death is also how I have a job I love and pays me well. Having the worlds worse track record when applied to myself has not deterred me from trying, yet again. Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

THis last "I know what doesn't work" is tough to beat. My TG group members, a few special friends, my #1 adviser, confidant, and reality therapist, my wife, and my plain ole therapist often have to remind me about fretting over the future. In today's jargon, practice Mindfulness. Live in the moment, the here and now. If something begins to overwhelm you. Look at it, touch it, think about it and then let it go. Don't try to own it or control it.

I don't often struggle over my choices to honor commitments made to my wife, to live up to my obligations. That sense of honor and duty are part of my core beliefs. Betraying them also means betraying myself. Yes, they are in conflict with other things. Life is about balance. About making choices, and following through to the best of your ability. That does not mean you are never allowed to change course. Life is a process, it grows and changes all the time. What seemed like a certainty when you were a child may not be so certain today.

This balancing is not just yours alone, it is your world too. My wife, while not thrilled, certainly prefers a living Joanne vs a dead John. She appreciates in many ways the hard work I've been doing, how much I have grown as a person. How much of a real person I am now. I try to always think of the positive aspects my decision to take on the trans beast has brought to my life. How my spirit shines brightly to the world is far better for them as well as for me.

In an ideal world I would be living full time as Joanne. I know when I come to that fork in the road, I can take it. My decision to present male is a trade off, For Now. How I'll feel in a year, or even a week I do not know. I take each day at a time comforting myself with the knowledge that I know I am doing the right things, making the best decisions I can, for today with the tools, equipment and skills that I have to tackle today's challenges.