Thanks Rebis and Tink
I probably haven't been as honest as I should have been
I also have Asperger's Syndrome - a mild form of Autism which affects social interaction ie I'm not good at understanding non-verbal communication - body language, eye contact etc. Social interaction stresses me out eg I find it hard to take in what a person is saying while having to make eye contact as well - there's too much 'input'.
People generally make me feel very uneasy as I feel I'm 'Getting it wrong' all the time. I feel scared of people a lot of the time to be honest as they can seem to take an instant dislike to me. Many people seem to pick up on some difference in me very quickly and can't work out what it is so it makes them uneasy. I possibly don't have natural/standard body language and look very uneasy. Plus my expression can be what I'd call blank as I keep forgetting that you're meant to have an aimiable expression on your face - no expression isn't allowed and is often interpreted as negative or hostile. it's like there's all these unspoken rules that I don't do automatically like everyone else and have to go through a manual each time and keep remembering - it's very hard. Social interaction or just being in public feels like some ongoing test of how 'normal' I am all the time and that I'm getting low marks all the time - it doesn't do much for my self esteem. One to one however with people and small groups I get on with I'm fine.
There is a theory that autism can be caused by an excess of testosterone in the mother's womb at a certain point in development that leads to an extreme form of the male brain ie a systemising, far less empathetic style of brain
I thought that perhaps if there had been this excess of testosterone, it might have made my features more masculine as well. I think there are a significantly high proportion of women with AS who are gay - I wondered if this was due to either how the testosterone had affected their brain or was a myth and that these women were either asexual ie not interested in sex at all or just weren't interested in presenting a feminine image as they didnt' relate to feminine culture.
I don't relate to a lot of feminine/female culture myself as it seems very false and empty, but I generally try and fit in and dress in a relatively low key way. I am generally accepted by most people I think, but there's often a significant number of people who think I'm odd. In many ways I really dislike the idea that there have to be two genders and wish there was just one. I feel I want to be accepted by men more than women usually and envy men their friendships. I don't want to be a man though as I like being a woman. I think my expression of my femininity is much more toned down than for most females ie i am more of a mixture of male and female thoughts and ideas - I prefer to not be assessed on gender but on intelligence and knowledge.
So I feel I am never sure if people are being funny towards me due to my AS or my gender expression or a mixture of both
I am a member of an AS Support site but people on there don't seem to have the same nature of problems as me - I seem to be a bit of an anomoly.
If I post a photo of myself could people give me some honest feedback?
I was wary of mentioning my AS as once I applied to join a feminist email group and you had to give the reasons you wanted to join and I talked about my AS and it looked liek they weren't going to sign me up ie there was a significant delay. I sent an email asking if there was a reason why they hadn't accepted me onto the list and I then got signed up so I felt marginalised and that my AS had been the reason why they hadn't wanted me on the list.
(The list was boring as hell anyway so I don't know why I bothered lol)
It concerns me a lot that there will always be a subgroup of any group that will get marginalised for whatever reason, for not being a 'typical' representative of that group, even when the group are a supposedly oppressed minority themselves.
The mode of dress that makes me feel best depends on where I am. At home I'm fine wearing casual trousers or tracksuit bottoms; I often don't bother to get dressed if I'm not going out and no one is coming round lol ie how I look doesn't matter - I'm just focusing on what I want to do ie reading or going online mainly - I am happiest when doing this stuff ie taking in information, not thinking about myself at all.
If I go out the house it's like a total dilemma - in other words I feel I'm having to consruct some sort of pretend identity to try and be a) feminine and b) as low key as possible so as not to draw attention to myself c) feel good about myself
This causes all sorts of problems as a top I might want to wear might be too clinging ie show my chest outline too much and I will know this will attract unwanted attention and give the false impression of me wanting sexual attention from others, so I will think I cant wear that. But if I put on say a shirt with a collar, I will feel too masculine and I dont want that either. It's like a constant balancing act of not too masculine, not too feminine/sexual - as I don't feel I want to come across as sexual to others, only my bf. I just want other people to either not notice me or to be nice and kind to me.
I cringe if I see women wearing tops that show their cleavage as I think 'How can you be so deliberately sexual??' they seem totally unselfconscious about it as well.
