So today I was going to class in all girl clothes. I've never done this before. I did my makeup, colored my toenails, styled my hair and I felt really good. My partner said she was very proud of me. Then as we had everything at the door, ready to go after a half hour of preparation, I glanced in the mirror and had a total mind shift. I looked in the mirror, and saw a man staring back at me wearing girls clothing. This scared the ->-bleeped-<- out of me- "I just saw a man in the mirror", "I can't do this" I started to cry and ran to change my clothes. I put on a girls shirt I just bought and some baggy hemp pants and went out the door no problem.

Now this is what I don't understand- my mind thinks that if I have at least 1 article of male clothing on, then somehow people will not look at me and think I'm a guy crossdressing. Somehow my mind thinks it's more socially acceptable to be perceived as a male wearing feminine clothing rather then a male wearing all womens clothing. I didn't even take off my makeup and I was fine for some reason. On top of that, the hemp pants are gender neutral, not even male clothing. Seriously, I don't understand myself at all. I was so ready to say screw what other people think, but then once my self image changed I suddenly was not okay anymore. I feel ugly.

Why does my perception of my body affect me so much? My partner says she sees me as a female all the time- but as soon as I get a glance of my huge hands or feel my facial hair- I get major dysphoria. Seeing my male body makes me freeze up and not feel comfortable expressing my female self. I know who I am, no matter what other people think- but for some reason I cling on to my male fascade to protect the vulnverable female inside.

ah man tell me about it. i tried transitioning but it failed as soon as that gross piece of flesh decided to wake up. messed up my whole girl mode and nearly sent me into cardiac arrest becuz my dysphoria hit god like status. a huge eye opener for me.

Probably your sense of self-preservation. Of your ego if nothing else.  While we are our own worst critics. If you couldn't even pass your own mirror check, you probably would have broken down in public.
Extending yourself/ female identity into a place where you have to socially interact, and ever worse are required to on a regular basis like class or work is probably not a good idea. If it goes badly, then what?  You have to go back the next day.
Small circles grasshoppa'.

Yeah, there is a threshold where a male can go from being "quirky", "eclectic", or "avant gard"  to "creepy", "disturbed", or "queer". While internally it doesn't matter.  I bet you are perfectly fine around the house in F dress.   But you have to interact with the external environment and view yourself from that frame. Its kind of the rules of the game. Strive for a binary M or F, or find a comfortable, accepted, non-binary point somewhere in the middle.  But they are ill defined. And the game is finding one that suits you and your life. That is the painful part of the transition process.

Stream o' consciousness opinion post is done. time for bed...

I do/did the same damned thing...

Where it comes from is just basically a mental defense mechanism that lets you deal with potential bad things that happen better. Because if you're wearing at least something that's more unisex, you can claim that you're still dressing in a way that's not completely out of left field for your birth sex, so therefore it allows a mental cushion to deal with what would happen if people question you. Also if you're not wearing completely female clothes, and people gender you male anyway, it lets you use the mental excuse of "well, I wasn't in completely female clothes, so it's okay if they misgender me."

It just takes time. There are one of two ways that you can deal with this. Either you can wait until you've built up your confidence in your passability, and thus you slowly start allowing yourself to get the confidence to wear these things while believing that you're passable, or you just learn that you have a right to be yourself and do what you want, and that even if people think you're weird, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Those are the two coping methods that I've seen.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 08, 2014, 10:12:07 PM
I do/did the same damned thing...

Where it comes from is just basically a mental defense mechanism that lets you deal with potential bad things that happen better. Because if you're wearing at least something that's more unisex, you can claim that you're still dressing in a way that's not completely out of left field for your birth sex, so therefore it allows a mental cushion to deal with what would happen if people question you. Also if you're not wearing completely female clothes, and people gender you male anyway, it lets you use the mental excuse of "well, I wasn't in completely female clothes, so it's okay if they misgender me."

It just takes time. There are one of two ways that you can deal with this. Either you can wait until you've built up your confidence in your passability, and thus you slowly start allowing yourself to get the confidence to wear these things while believing that you're passable, or you just learn that you have a right to be yourself and do what you want, and that even if people think you're weird, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Those are the two coping methods that I've seen.

Wow. I couldn't have worded it any better. Those describe my feelings exactly! so how do we get over it???

Quote from: JamesG on May 08, 2014, 10:07:47 PM
Probably your sense of self-preservation. Of your ego if nothing else.  While we are our own worst critics. If you couldn't even pass your own mirror check, you probably would have broken down in public.
Extending yourself/ female identity into a place where you have to socially interact, and ever worse are required to on a regular basis like class or work is probably not a good idea. If it goes badly, then what?  You have to go back the next day.
Small circles grasshoppa'.

Yeah, there is a threshold where a male can go from being "quirky", "eclectic", or "avant gard"  to "creepy", "disturbed", or "queer". While internally it doesn't matter.  I bet you are perfectly fine around the house in F dress.   But you have to interact with the external environment and view yourself from that frame. Its kind of the rules of the game. Strive for a binary M or F, or find a comfortable, accepted, non-binary point somewhere in the middle.  But they are ill defined. And the game is finding one that suits you and your life. That is the painful part of the transition process.

Stream o' consciousness opinion post is done. time for bed...

so you think that when I get more comfortable with my own image in the mirror, that my anxiety around others will reduce?

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 08, 2014, 10:05:32 PM
ah man tell me about it. i tried transitioning but it failed as soon as that gross piece of flesh decided to wake up. messed up my whole girl mode and nearly sent me into cardiac arrest becuz my dysphoria hit god like status. a huge eye opener for me.

Girl you better watch where you say 'ah man'!
haha jk I think I've also had similar moments and just had panic attacks...

Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 12:15:19 AM
Wow. I couldn't have worded it any better. Those describe my feelings exactly! so how do we get over it???

so you think that when I get more comfortable with my own image in the mirror, that my anxiety around others will reduce?

Girl you better watch where you say 'ah man'!
haha jk I think I've also had similar moments and just had panic attacks...

i wish i had panic attacks cuz that would mean i'm ok. that was like the first time i felt i was going into cardiac arrest xD and shush, whats wrong with ah man xDxD

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 12:24:20 AM
i wish i had panic attacks cuz that would mean i'm ok. that was like the first time i felt i was going into cardiac arrest xD and shush, whats wrong with ah man xDxD

That is very intense- I can't imagine how you wouldn't have your letter yet after having to go through that.

Aah nothin

oh and hey, my mom just referred to me as she for the first time, today!

i'll tell my therapist when i see him cuz he's almost convinced enough that if i dont get on the pill, i'd end up having a heart attack. i mean i rather work through it but this is just to much

Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 12:46:30 AM
That is very intense- I can't imagine how you wouldn't have your letter yet after having to go through that.

Aah nothin

oh and hey, my mom just referred to me as she for the first time, today!

me either. he is convinced but he doesnt want me to jump in head first though i'm afraid i might have a heart attack before i get my letter o.o

I feel you dear ,
of course same thing  has happened to me...

its pretty sad to be honest,unfortunately this process requires a lot of time
(hormones,surgeries etc) in order to not see a man in the mirror...

at least for most of us...

dont push yourself , you dont "need" to go for an all female presentation if you dont feel as if a woman is staring back at you in the mirror, its ok to give it time...

Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on May 09, 2014, 12:56:53 AM
I feel you dear ,
of course same thing  has happened to me...

its pretty sad to be honest,unfortunately this process requires a lot of time
(hormones,surgeries etc) in order to not see a man in the mirror...

at least for most of us...

dont push yourself , you dont "need" to go for an all female presentation if you dont feel as if a woman is staring back at you in the mirror, its ok to give it time...

yea, after my next heart attack xD (already had 2 so far and counting)

Taking that first step out the door is one leap of faith. getting passed the garden gate is another. passing another pedestrian is another. interacting with someone is another. we all take steps. leaping takes longer to learn.

scholl might not be the best place for first time girl mode venture. for me it was to my doctors.
then my sisters.
then to my freinds in a taxi.
into city center with said freind
into town a drink with sister n bf.
then to my lacol store.

point is so far iv only gone on my own to places wear people aceppt me. partly because if anything bad happens i got a shouder to cry on and a face to chear me up.

and into vastly populated areas with a freind for support.
and after i get comfatable with that il start working on solo outings to populated places.

oh yeah my doctor visits.  i find that somtime on my way home ill decide to go somplace els.  and felt much more comfatable shopping for clothes in girl mode. probably cause i know even if im clocked as guy theill know its to  buy clothes and not to perv.

passing to yourself is a big helper too. try to remember your going to know about things others might not notice. and to you your shadow may as well be a beard like santas. if santa didnt have beard they wouldnt draw a shadow.

and i know what crumbling is like. i creid my dad to his wits end because i couldnt get out the door to go three doors down to a none judgemenlt postbox. less then 30 seconds of exsposure to daylight and couldnt do it. the worst part is ive beeb further before.  but i guage myself on stubble visibility. its my bigest barriar atm.

I am pre everything and have only gone out five times all girl. Brief forays into the world as me. Pale skin and dark hair, I have to wear full makeup for my own sanity. Except for the broad shoulders and bulky upper body, I generally come off as a masculine girl. Now that it is getting warmer I can't hide the gross muscle bulk, so I don't go out.
I thought it would be better to do it like I learned to swim, jump in the deep end and hope I don't drown. Didn't turn out that way at all. Every time is just like the first. When I talk to someone, it comes out as a squeaky whisper and my face turns crimson. I have to force myself to push my shoulders back, lift up my head and speak like a human being. Then I break every traffic law known to man to get home.
I will try wearing one piece of gender neutral clothing next time. I like that idea
All well and good to dare the world to make an issue out of it, but it would be nice if I were not quivering inside when I do it.
I am so tired of not fitting in. I can't accept the world as a man and the world can't accept me as a woman. Sigh... it's a long road.

Mikaela

i just find dysphoria to be a pain and it throws you off to much lol

Twice in my twenties I experimented with transitioning. Twice in my twenties I put a stop to it.

One of the Top-Ten reasons why was not being to shake that "Some guy in a dress" feeling I got when trying to be out and about in the real world during the day.

Looking back, the main reasons why I couldn't were 1) Lack of self-esteem. 2) Lack of confidence. 3) Shame, 4) Guilt. It took a lot of hard work to fix these. Shame is still a biggie but keeps getting smaller. These days when I look in the mirror I think Not bad for an old bat

This has been my problem.  No matter what, I can't escape from seeing a guy or a noticeable transwoman in the mirror.  It's prevented me everytime I did consider saying "f@#$ it" and walking out.  This has taught me two things.  I need to work on my appearance a lot more before putting myself in this situation and I need to work on my self esteem.  I got to stop caring about other people and be able to say "f@#$ you" to people without an issue.

In any case, I'm sorry that I have no solutions, but I can at least empathize.  The one thing I'll say is that everyone tells me it takes time for us to get adjusted to see ourselves as women physically.  So maybe it's just an issue of time and adjustment rather than your actual appearance?

I think you just gotta take it one step at a time. I felt the same way the moment i even wore a feminine looking shirt lol. The thing is that you've been staring at male you for (x) amount of years so NOT seeing male you is pretty hard. Being that I'm only about 3 months in, I still see the guy in the mirror, but the more I told myself that the guy in the mirror is only there because my mind wants to see him, i began to see the girl there. Its funny because physically i still see the male, but emotionally; mentally, I see the girl and whether or not people see a guy in women's clothes or a cross-dresser or whatever, the rest of me screams female.

Only a month ago, I couldn't stop people from Sir-ing me and people gawked as if i had escaped from the zoo. I asked my wife "did I get prettier? or did everyone in Miami suddenly develop manners?" and seeing as only one could possibly be logical, I imagined that with the increase in my self-confidence came the increase in proper response.

People are gonna stare no matter what. Even when i fully transition and look unmistakebly female... im gonna get stared at for ONE reason or another, whether its because I have big hands or because im freakishly tall for a woman. Something that really helped me with confidence and not caring is telling myself, "What i'm doing is not easy, and it takes major guts to do what I'm doing.. most cismen wouldnt even admit to liking a female artist and most ciswomen would never admit to having a lot of sex... I'm living my life and slamming through taboos. I'm stronger than these people who stare at me because they envy my ability to be free and not care."

The more i told myself this, the more I realized that just by being confident and happy in who I am, literally opened the flood-gates of positive energy. Sure I still get stares or looked at ~ but people SEE and FEEL my joyous energy and can't help but respond with the same. Someone even told me "omg my daughter is just as tall as you! I wish I was as tall as you girls!" And I KNOW I haven't changed drastically between now and a month ago

Just be you and be proud of you for being you, because most people are afraid to be themselves. For all you know, you might be a beacon of strength for others.

You and others might see or think you are a guy in a dress, but the more confident you are, the more they will think "that girl is butch looking" instead of "that guy is in a dress". Its not an easy thing to master, but when you do master it, there is no feeling like being proud with yourself and having others react positively to it.

p.s. sorry for the essay...  I really need to work on summarizing 

progressive baby steps

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 09, 2014, 11:04:16 AM
I think you just gotta take it one step at a time. I felt the same way the moment i even wore a feminine looking shirt lol. The thing is that you've been staring at male you for (x) amount of years so NOT seeing male you is pretty hard. Being that I'm only about 3 months in, I still see the guy in the mirror, but the more I told myself that the guy in the mirror is only there because my mind wants to see him, i began to see the girl there. Its funny because physically i still see the male, but emotionally; mentally, I see the girl and whether or not people see a guy in women's clothes or a cross-dresser or whatever, the rest of me screams female.

Only a month ago, I couldn't stop people from Sir-ing me and people gawked as if i had escaped from the zoo. I asked my wife "did I get prettier? or did everyone in Miami suddenly develop manners?" and seeing as only one could possibly be logical, I imagined that with the increase in my self-confidence came the increase in proper response.

People are gonna stare no matter what. Even when i fully transition and look unmistakebly female... im gonna get stared at for ONE reason or another, whether its because I have big hands or because im freakishly tall for a woman. Something that really helped me with confidence and not caring is telling myself, "What i'm doing is not easy, and it takes major guts to do what I'm doing.. most cismen wouldnt even admit to liking a female artist and most ciswomen would never admit to having a lot of sex... I'm living my life and slamming through taboos. I'm stronger than these people who stare at me because they envy my ability to be free and not care."

The more i told myself this, the more I realized that just by being confident and happy in who I am, literally opened the flood-gates of positive energy. Sure I still get stares or looked at ~ but people SEE and FEEL my joyous energy and can't help but respond with the same. Someone even told me "omg my daughter is just as tall as you! I wish I was as tall as you girls!" And I KNOW I haven't changed drastically between now and a month ago

Just be you and be proud of you for being you, because most people are afraid to be themselves. For all you know, you might be a beacon of strength for others.

You and others might see or think you are a guy in a dress, but the more confident you are, the more they will think "that girl is butch looking" instead of "that guy is in a dress". Its not an easy thing to master, but when you do master it, there is no feeling like being proud with yourself and having others react positively to it.

p.s. sorry for the essay...  I really need to work on summarizing 

Thank you so much for the essay! It's so weird because I am SO used to people staring at me, even before transition. I had long hair and went to class in full medieval garb just last semester. But this kind of staring hits me harder, I feel so much more vulnerable.. I've gotten over "what people might be thinking" many times before, like when I learned to sing in public. It happened when I really appreciated my own voice, and would sing walking everywhere and not give a damn what other people thought. But this is very different, and the process to get to that 'not caring' attitude is VERY different than what it took to wear exotic clothing and sing in public.

But honestly, even being on HRT I'm not really a bundle of joy. My inner voice is a cruel one, and I am crushed under it every day. I think my kind inner voice just ran and hid when the dysphoria monster voice took over.  I think I had some sense of self confidence yesterday when I was about to go out, I was feeling good about myself. But that last look in the mirror brought up all the fear, and all the positivity I had built up couldn't beat it.

Be proud of myself... the concept feels so alien.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 09, 2014, 08:57:35 AM
This has been my problem.  No matter what, I can't escape from seeing a guy or a noticeable transwoman in the mirror.  It's prevented me everytime I did consider saying "f@#$ it" and walking out.  This has taught me two things.  I need to work on my appearance a lot more before putting myself in this situation and I need to work on my self esteem.  I got to stop caring about other people and be able to say "f@#$ you" to people without an issue.

In any case, I'm sorry that I have no solutions, but I can at least empathize.  The one thing I'll say is that everyone tells me it takes time for us to get adjusted to see ourselves as women physically.  So maybe it's just an issue of time and adjustment rather than your actual appearance?

how long on HRT do you think it usually takes people to see the girl in the mirror? I've seen it only several times, but it always goes away. I've only had one session of laser, so I'm not even done with that... but still!

Quote from: JoanneB on May 09, 2014, 07:59:23 AM
Twice in my twenties I experimented with transitioning. Twice in my twenties I put a stop to it.

One of the Top-Ten reasons why was not being to shake that "Some guy in a dress" feeling I got when trying to be out and about in the real world during the day.

Looking back, the main reasons why I couldn't were 1) Lack of self-esteem. 2) Lack of confidence. 3) Shame, 4) Guilt. It took a lot of hard work to fix these. Shame is still a biggie but keeps getting smaller. These days when I look in the mirror I think Not bad for an old bat

I don't know why we're so scared of people thinking we're 'guys in dresses'. BUT GIRLS CAN WEAR PANTS NOW!?

Quote from: Mikaela on May 09, 2014, 01:18:13 AM
I am so tired of not fitting in. I can't accept the world as a man and the world can't accept me as a woman. Sigh... it's a long road.

Mikaela

Wow. it's a really heartbreaking place to be in. It's like purgatory.

Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 03:32:46 PM
how long on HRT do you think it usually takes people to see the girl in the mirror? I've seen it only several times, but it always goes away. I've only had one session of laser, so I'm not even done with that... but still!

It depends on the person more than it depends on the hormones (IMO) if you refuse to see the girl and only concentrate on seeing the guy, you will never see the girl. The key is to train yourself to stop concentrating on what makes you physically male and concentrate more on what makes you female... There are masculine looking girls out there too, just look at Brooke Shields or Naomi Campbell; both beautiful and both have masculine facial features, sometimes having a bit of masculinity in your features isn't always a bad thing.

That's the difference between a pre or early transition person seeing the girl in the mirror with no problem and a fully transitioned person never seeing it.

But again, this is just my opinion.

Your first few trips out in girl mode should be brief and into controlled environments. with supportive people (if at all possible), and with an escape/retreat plan in case things go pear shaped. Even if it's just getting out the door that's a start. As I went out in girl mode I progressively pushed the envelope to make it more and more challenging - there were a couple of times I baulked and almost ran away but didn't, and then ended up having a great time. If I had bailed I would have spent the rest of the week beating myself up over it, so for that reason alone I'm glad I stared down my fears. The confidence will come in time, just don't push yourself too far past your comfort zone and avoid setting yourself up to fail - a day at school was a little overly enthusiastic perhaps.

Secondly, don't trust yourself to be a fair and accurate judge of your appearance. We are way too critical of ourselves and there is a resistant aspect to our psyche that is way to willing to spoil the fun and point out the "deception"...that part is called self-doubt. Sometimes self-doubt is useful but if you give it free reign you'll never accomplish your goals. Humans are rarely good judges of our own appearance. It amazes me, even six weeks after going full time, that I actually pass day after day. Some mornings I get dressed for work and then completely change because, for example, I'm not sure I'd be passable in pants (apparently I am). You said your wife was supportive, if you don't feel you're looking right ask her to feed back to you what you could do to "improve" your presentation...women can be brutally honest and that's what you may need. If she tells you that you look great then you look great. If she tells you that you need less make up then you need less make up. She and other people will be much more honest and reliable judges than your self-doubt.

Thirdly, passing isn't just about how you look. It's about confidence and presentation. And no, presentation isn't simply how you look, it's about how you own your space, your posture, your walk, your demeanour, all the parts that when put together say unambiguously "I am a woman!"

Go easy on yourself. This isn't an easy process. Congratulations on wanting to give girl mode a go in the first place. All the best for the next time!