My whole world is falling apart around me and I don't where else to go. I mostly lurk on Susan's unless I'm feeling particularly talkative.

I guess for this any advice is welcome, though I'm really just looking for a shoulder to cry on.

Tonight my wife accidentally told me she was divorcing me, while trying to text someone else.

I feel completely blindsided. We don't have a rocky relationship; we've been married for 4 years and still get comments about how cute and perfect we are. When we're at home together we're always playing with or flirting with each other.

The text messages obviously sparked a conversation. Once she got off work, she told me how she was feeling, that she no longer has romantic feeling towards me, and that it was because of the transition. I let her get everything off her chest and then retreated to someplace quiet and secluded & just shut down. I've only now slowed down with the crying and gotten to a place to where I feel like I can ask for someone to listen.

She has been my biggest advocate for the entire transition. She's stood up for me at the beginning of the transition (and throughout) when people were picking on me. She went so far as to tell them she didn't fall in love with a boy, that she fell in love with a person and that my gender doesn't matter, girl or boy. She helped me see that I wasn't a freak for my dysphoria, showed me there were others like me, and brought me to accepting myself.

I can kind of understand the physical attraction bit and it's importance, but we're mostly non/mildly sexual & have been since before coming to terms. She has reproductive issue that have always made penetration painful, so we've always stuck to touching (pretransition, obvi). So, I can't understand entirely where she's coming from. It felt from our conversation that she was more bored with our life and that she wouldn't just come out and say it.

I'm sure others here have experienced similar events in their lives. Any thoughts or other stories are welcome.

I'm so sad, alone, terrified. Please someone be there for me. ): I'm not even sure how to classify or process the other stuff I'm feeling. The worst part is, I feel like I'm losing my best friend. )':

I'm not sure if it will add anything for those of you reading, but here's a screenshot I took earlier of the texts I received.



I'll be back on in the morning; it's after 2am for me now.

Oh hon, we are here for you!
It's horrible when it ends. It was horrible for me and I was the one who ended it. She is still my best friend but we both still regret.
Small comfort maybe, but know that you are loved here!
Your posts always make me smile and I wish I could return the favor now. I just don't have your flair! 
Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. I'm not good with advice but I got big shoulders.

Mikaela

I Dont any exsperience with marrige.
But you said you feel like your loosing your best freind. That doent need to be the case. best freinds exsist without marrige.

Quote from: Mikaela on May 09, 2014, 01:45:36 AM
Oh hon, we are here for you!
It's horrible when it ends. It was horrible for me and I was the one who ended it. She is still my best friend but we both still regret.
Small comfort maybe, but know that you are loved here!
Your posts always make me smile and I wish I could return the favor now. I just don't have your flair! 
Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. I'm not good with advice but I got big shoulders.

Mikaela

Thank you so much. Im glad your hear for her. I felt so hopless here.

I know that right now they are unlikely to help but hugs and sympathies to you.  My wife and I will be getting divorced, we have already discussed the timing, but that was a while ago now so it isn't as raw for me as it must be for you right now.  Whilst I feel that's a fairly brutal way of finding out, at least you know now and have a chance to start the healing that you will need.

Advice from the veteran of two divorces: keep talking (to your wife especially), don't bottle things up and don't look for someone to blame (least of all yourself).  Things happen and all we can do is deal with them.

Rosie

Jill,  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  There are so many people here with such similar stories, myself included.  My wife and I are divorcing after 20 years and three kids.  I know I have lost my best and I still feel only true friend I have ever had.  I know how hard it seems and indeed is.  The loneliness is going to ebb and then come back at times.  The best advice I can give you is to try to at least stay friendly with each other and hopefully maintain some sort of relationship if possible.  It is not possible in my case.  Just know that it does get a little bit easier as time goes by and please do not be afraid to ask for help or even just to vent when you need to.  Huge hugs and please remember that you have to take care of yourself so that you can find the happiness and stability that you deserve.  Hang in there and if you want you can PM me anytime.

That's a pretty big kick to the head...  I hope things work out for you.

I'm really sorry, that sucks but you know, it looks like she tried to hold on and just couldn't anymore.

You have to do what you have to do to be comfortable with yourself and she has to do what she has to do to be happy. It's sad that those two can't go hand in hand but it's also the reality, for many *hug*

You'll be okay, though. You're changing and if she's not able to keep up it's for the best you part ways.

Lotsa support your way <33

Hugs, Jill. I've been exactly where you are (though she told me straight out).

Be strong, sister. You have the strength within you to get through this. I promise.

Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciated hearing your experiences and advice.

I think I really just need to accept this and make myself understand this really may be for the best. 

I do feel like this is my fault, but that will probably (eventually) pass.

She's spoken to a few of her friends and family members already. For now, posting on here seems to be the extent i can bring myself to do. She's been trying to get me to call my mom, but our relationship has been strained since I frist came out to her. -there have just been too many missed birthdays, holidays, and even her wedding. I don't know how to even bring it up to anyone or why she'd want to talk to me. "Hey, how are you doing? I'm getting a divorce." ?

I'm getting all kinds of mixed signals too. She still wants to hold me when I'm crying. She even asked/let me hold her this morning. Also, it was strained, but she's even initiated giving me a kiss on the lips a few times. I'm not complaining & I know it's been less than 24 hours, but I'm finding it hard finding a balance or understanding where we're drawing lines. She did say it hasn't changed anything.

Do any of you have thoughts on the mixed signals or on taking to friends and family (or whatever else - things to do, steps i should follow, etc.)? I obviously have zero experience with this..

"Do any of you have thoughts on the mixed signals or on taking to friends and family (or whatever else - things to do, steps i should follow, etc.)? I obviously have zero experience with this.."

She loves you, she can't accept you.
She is a woman, you are a woman, she isn't a lesbian. Sadly that comes through in the end.

My useless advice? Try and part as friends.

And cry. Because sometimes tears are all we walk away with.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

Quote from: Jill E on May 09, 2014, 09:45:49 AM
Do any of you have thoughts on the mixed signals or on taking to friends and family (or whatever else - things to do, steps i should follow, etc.)? I obviously have zero experience with this..

Yes. I have a lot of experience with them. The mixed signals in my marriage were a combination of:
* Habit
* Reluctance to let go
* She still loved me - that didn't go away (until the separation negotiations).
* General human kindness

I learned not to try to interpret them. If there's something she needed me to know (change of heart?) I figured she'd tell me straight out, and I tried not to read stuff into how she was acting.

Pay attention to what Suzi said - she is going through her own separation process and you will get mixed things from her. It is very hard to tell whether an action is truly what it seems or if it is a result of her emotions. The bottom line is to take everything from her right now with a grain if salt lest you expose yourself to more hurt. I learned this the hard way as I've been going through the divorce process with my wife; she would seemingly be back to her old self right before exploding on me or dropping the next bomb on me. She yanked me emotionally up and down until I realized what was happening. It wasn't malicious on her part; but I needed to put some emotional distance between us to protect myself.

sorry for what your going through

People change Jill. The best thing I did was getting a divorce and the freedom that I realized I truly missed. No we aren't friends and far from it but no children involved. Yes it hurts and mixed signals are extrememly confusing but sometimes trying to hold onto the past is very unhealthy for our future endeavors. And unfortunately people don't really know themselves very well and what someone thinks they can handle, later down the line they realize that they can't. Just try to part as friends and you may truly have lost a wife but gained a better friend than you could have if your lives were still bound together by marriage.

Thank you. The shock has mostly subsided. I'm still sad, but i think the best thing (as suggested) is really to just take these these signals with a grain of salt. I have seen a bit of a pattern with these types of issues in the past (but much smaller). It seems every 8-10 months, something major happens. -where she's done something destructive or suddenly had major issues with the transition & then everything is back to being calm.

We've discussed living together for the time being, but she wants to be detached from the relationship emotionally. We're splitting our finances and she's taking care of her bills and I'm taking care of mine. It's depressing to think about, but it seems this is just the way it is.

She has agreed to see someone though (therapist), to deal with all the stress and anxiety she's been experiencing through her work, her family, and our relationship. There's a small part of me that wants this to fix everything between us, and it's probably selfish on some level, but I think if anything it will really just help solidify for me that this isn't going to change, and she's doing what's best for her.

I'm so sorry that this is all happening to you.  It's clear to me that she still loves you as a best friend, and you need to not blame yourself or anyone for this.  This is certainly not your fault - you couldn't help being transgender.  Similarly, we can't force our spouses to suddenly turn lesbian either.  It's a natural part of being a human that she cannot change.  Just as she's supported you all this time for being yourself, you need to stay strong and support her in this as well.  I can't imagine how heartbreaking and difficult this is for you.

I know it feels like you're losing your best friend.  Don't let it feel that way.  She can still be your best friend - you don't need romantic intimacy for that.  And as unlikely as this sounds now, maybe one day you'll be able to find a partner that is also physically attracted to you as well!

Hang in there!!! 

 

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I can only echo others' comments about how your wife appears to feel. You can't help who you are, and she can't help who she is. Her text was careless but she may still be an important ally for you.

I wasn't married but had a boyfriend when I came out. We HAD to break up. He wasn't into guys, no matter how much we cared about one another. He remained my biggest support and understanding ear for a long time, and if your wife can be that for you then you are both very lucky.

I wish I could make things okay but I know you will probably suffer a lot. Good luck on getting through however it goes. Try to do your best and roll with the punches, and understand that your best is probably the best anyone could do in the same situation. There aren't scripts or archetypes available for these kinds of problems right now.

Jill

I am so sorry.  While you can't make someone love you you can be kind to yourself and celebrate the support and love which she has given to you.

I wish you well

Aisla

Sorry for your pain, Jill. Unfortunately, it seems to take a while for others to process our transition and its impact on them. I've had similar situations with friends and family members who were once supportive but then sort of drifted away. Maybe we confuse their respect and affirmation as an indication that our relationship will remain the same. Sadly, this isn't always so.

sorry for your pain, I know what its like to be hurt, but from what I read with her text message looks like it doesnt have to do with you being trans but really with herself, i know its hard but things will get better in time :/