Sorry for this stupid thread, but I'm in a bit of a bad place.  To be honest, I'm not doing all that well and my depression seems to be getting the best of me.  I spoke to my therapist about where I am and disclosed the level of depression/social phobia/suicidal thoughts and she told me that meds are the only way for me to go.  I hate the idea of going on meds.  I don't want to be a zombie.  Plus I've tried it in the past and all I got was a dependency on a med that does nothing other than give me withdrawls when I stop.  But she told me this is the only way since I can't push through my social phobia and allow myself to make the changes I need to be happy.  So I guess I need to be drugged up for the short term in order to allow them to happen.  I don't know.  She gave me a number to see a physchiatrist and I guess I have to do it because she is going to check up on me.

Sorry for this weird ranting, but did anyone else get medicinal help during their transition?  Did it do anything for you?  Good or bad?  Did it make everything more bearable?  And did it anyway help make your transition easier?  I'm very lost at the moment and feel scared and pressured all at once.  Anything that could help or simply just sharing your experience with these sort of meds would be very appreciated.  Thank you.

Went to see my psychiatrist after waiting 3 months for the appointment to hopefully get started on transitioning.  That didn't work out so well as she hadn't studied up on kaiser's policies on transitioning.  However I was put on anti-depressants so...

Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on May 10, 2014, 12:40:12 PM
Went to see my psychiatrist after waiting 3 months for the appointment to hopefully get started on transitioning.  That didn't work out so well as she hadn't studied up on kaiser's policies on transitioning.  However I was put on anti-depressants so...

If you don't mind me asking, which medication?  And has it been helping you cope?  I'm in a bad place where I feel like I have no future and really want to quit life, so I'm really considering my options.  I'm transitioning and all, but I have severe social phobia and other issues making it hard for me to get passed my internal drama.  Thanks.

I'm on quetiapine and alprazolam. It has nothing to do with anything that is related to my transition. A couple of years ago, I was suffering from these really insane panic attacks and all kinds of (what turned out to be) phantom pains. It was really screwed up. After a TON of visits to doctors and tons of tests (where they never found anything wrong ever). I was referred to a neurologist and she suggested the quetiapine. I was already taking the alprazolam. I was hesitant at first, but I thought: "screw it. I've got nothing to lose anymore", since I was very close to killing myself because my life had fallen apart due to this crazy medical crap. So, I gave it a shot and the combo of those two medications helped me get my life back on track and there hasn't been any adverse effects, so it's cool.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on May 10, 2014, 01:00:07 PM
I'm on quetiapine and alprazolam. It has nothing to do with anything that is related to my transition. A couple of years ago, I was suffering from these really insane panic attacks and all kinds of (what turned out to be) phantom pains. It was really screwed up. After a TON of visits to doctors and tons of tests (where they never found anything wrong ever). I was referred to a neurologist and she suggested the quetiapine. I was already taking the alprazolam. I was hesitant at first, but I thought: "screw it. I've got nothing to lose anymore", since I was very close to killing myself because my life had fallen apart due to this crazy medical crap. So, I gave it a shot and the combo of those two medications helped me get my life back on track and there hasn't been any adverse effects, so it's cool.

Yeah, I used to take xanax in the past when I was having panic attacks.  It helped a lot.

Right now, I'm looking for any sort of relief for my depression and social phobia.  It's not exactly transition related, more than "I'm feeling miserable and don't want to feel like this anymore".  My therapist just thinks a lot of that misery and bad feelings stem from lifestyle choices that need to be changed.  And because I'm paralyzed by social phobia and just really bad depression, I can't make many of those changes that I need..  She thinks I'm going to need medicine to get passed these things and my past damage.   I don't know. 

Yep on every flavor available.

Stopped then when I went full time and lived for myself over others.

Izzy

Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 01:44:36 PM
Yep on every flavor available.

Stopped then when I went full time and lived for myself over others.

Izzy

Did it actually do any good at the time?

Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 01:46:53 PM
Did it actually do any good at the time?

Made life numb. Who wishes to live life in a numb feeling just to make everyone happy is the question.

Changed my name, went full time and never looked back.

No longer numb.

Isabell

Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 02:09:06 PM
Made life numb. Who wishes to live life in a numb feeling just to make everyone happy is the question.

Changed my name, went full time and never looked back.

No longer numb.

Isabell

I agree with that.  It's just that I'm miserable, depressed and  feeling like ending it.  My therapist doesn't really know what else to suggest other than lifestyle changes that I'm having a difficult time making.  She thinks this will help numb me to make the changes that I need.  I really don't know what else to do or whether this is the right thing.  I'm seriously losing and no longer know what to do.  I've done some things, but the next things feel impossible.  I guess I should just go to the physch and see what he gives me. 

I do not.  Hrt seemed to clear up my depression, pretty much completely.  I might actually benefit from anti-anxiety pills idk, but i know mine isn't as crippling as it is for many peeps here, so I do feel fortunate.

You do seem to have a lot of anxieties L2L.  Idk it might be worth looking into.  If anxiety is impeding your transition, and you took that roadblock down, maybe that in itself would help u with your depression?

Its hard for sure. Life as society sees it is also hard. Transition adds a few hurtles but it is still the same.

Life happiness.
You can stay on one side with everyone who wants you to not change. Stay on drugs, be unhappy and feel depressed so they can be happy.

Or you can live today and tomorrow as the person you are. Everyone who love you will be glad YOU are happy and see a person blossom into a drug free happy female.

Easy to say poor me. Easy to just give up. Easy to give in.

How many of the ones that you are trying to please will reach out and give that same respect back?

What do you want in life? Where do you want to be tomorrow?

Wish you the best
Hugs
Isabell

Quote from: Jen on May 10, 2014, 02:26:09 PM
I do not.  Hrt seemed to clear up my depression, pretty much completely.  I might actually benefit from anti-anxiety pills idk, but i know mine isn't as crippling as it is for many peeps here, so I do feel fortunate.

You do seem to have a lot of anxieties L2L.  Idk it might be worth looking into.  If anxiety is impeding your transition, and you took that roadblock down, maybe that in itself would help u with your depression?

Yeah, I feel like much of my depression is situational, but the anxiety is just how I was formed to be around people.  I don't talk about things often for privacy reasons and because I love my family with everything I have, but I didn't have the easiest childhood and it's impacted how I am around other people.  I'm finally trying to take the steps to heal and get past this stuf, yet it doesn't seem to work.  I think medication may help and I appreciate my therapist for trying to think of something, but sometimes I feel I'm so damaged that there isn't an option to repair.  And to be fair, I'm struggling getting over something that I just quit doing that was a unhealthy coping technique that has left me feeling even more depressed.  Just a temp thing that i need to overcome.  But honestly, sometimes I really don't know if I am going to make it and that scares me, but I guess that's what meds are for and I'll find some way past it.  I just feel I keep telling myself that and it's doing nothing for me.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on May 10, 2014, 02:29:02 PM
Ltl, have You tried some crazy mind-numbing workouts? I know You dont want to gain muscle mass, but maybe some extreme cardio? To dull things down to the point when they dont bother You anymore? I am looking into this option at the moment.

I hear a lot about exercising being a tool to overcome depression.  I do a lot of walking on a treadmill, but nothing like extreme cardio.  Maybe I should look into it.  Anything to feel somewhat better.

Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 02:37:25 PM
Its hard for sure. Life as society sees it is also hard. Transition adds a few hurtles but it is still the same.

Life happiness.
You can stay on one side with everyone who wants you to not change. Stay on drugs, be unhappy and feel depressed so they can be happy.

Or you can live today and tomorrow as the person you are. Everyone who love you will be glad YOU are happy and see a person blossom into a drug free happy female.

Easy to say poor me. Easy to just give up. Easy to give in.

How many of the ones that you are trying to please will reach out and give that same respect back?

What do you want in life? Where do you want to be tomorrow?

Wish you the best
Hugs
Isabell

It's really not about trying to please so many people.  I mean sure that's part of it and I learned I had to do it, but really I'm just scared of everyone.  Scared they will hurt me in some way emotionally and physically.  If I didn't have so much social phobia and fear of other people, it would be so much easier for me to make the changes.  It's just that I don't know how to get passed this in any way.  I'm terrified of everything around me.   And that scares me to make further changes.  that's why my therapist is thinking I need to numb myself to get through this and then things will take it's course.  I'm just so uncertain there is a change of course.

hey ltl,

i really wish i could help you but you know im walking through dark clouds, too. sometimes it helps if i go for a longer walk or do other activities. i have a dog and i have to take care for him and he give me much for that. it is proven that stroking a pet release happiness hormones and help with depression. it is their wonder weapon that you bring them food like a good girl have to. it is a responsible(and demanding) task for 10-20 years. maybe this is something for you to think about if you like dogs and cats.

greetings

Yes, Escitalopram - my doc put me on it in February last year when I had my meltdown. I was against the idea because of an experience with antidepressants when I was 19 that turned me into a zombie. But Escitalopram did help, and didn't turn me into a zombie, it certainly acted as a circuit breaker and got me feeling better. Mind you, my issues were a bit different than what you have described you're going through. Side effects included decreased sexual interest and libido, which was awesome for me! Also, I'm pretty sure it helped me lose weight. Didn't get any of the other common side effects.

Quote from: Ishtar on May 10, 2014, 02:58:35 PM
hey ltl,

i really wish i could help you but you know im walking through dark clouds, too. sometimes it helps if i go for a longer walk or do other activities. i have a dog and i have to take care for him and he give me much for that. it is proven that stroking a pet release happiness hormones and help with depression. it is their wonder weapon that you bring them food like a good girl have to. it is a responsible(and demanding) task for 10-20 years. maybe this is something for you to think about if you like dogs and cats.

greetings

It's funny you mention that because I got a new puppy about a week ago.  While I love taking care of something and feeling useful to another life, it can get tiring.  He's been quite sick and we've been nursing him to health.  Still I'd rather have a dog than not and it's sort of helping.  Thanks for the suggestion. 

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 10, 2014, 04:08:46 PM
Yes, Escitalopram - my doc put me on it in February last year when I had my meltdown. I was against the idea because of an experience with antidepressants when I was 19 that turned me into a zombie. But Escitalopram did help, and didn't turn me into a zombie, it certainly acted as a circuit breaker and got me feeling better. Mind you, my issues were a bit different than what you have described you're going through. Side effects included decreased sexual interest and libido, which was awesome for me! Also, I'm pretty sure it helped me lose weight. Didn't get any of the other common side effects.

I actually took lexapro a few years ago.  It wasn't therapeutic to me, so I got off it; however, I know many other people it worked for.  I think it's time for me to stop shying away from meds and get the hep I need.  Otherwise, I'm just going to crush under all the depression and anxiety.  While I'm afraid to get off the cymbalta and switch to something else, it's literally doing nothing for me. I've got to get something that will get me to push through my feelings and make the lifestyle changes that I need to make.  Hopefully, I'll get there.  Thanks. 

Unfortunately we tend to view mental health issues as just needing "right attitude" or "fortitude of mind" to push through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like physical health, where pushing through an illness like a cold can end up in pneumonia, sometimes we do need medical help and intervention to get us feeling better. The trick is getting the right treatment.

Yes I was on antidepressants for 5 months,,,they helped a bit

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 10, 2014, 07:03:36 PM
Unfortunately we tend to view mental health issues as just needing "right attitude" or "fortitude of mind" to push through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like physical health, where pushing through an illness like a cold can end up in pneumonia, sometimes we do need medical help and intervention to get us feeling better. The trick is getting the right treatment.

I guess you're right.  To be honest, my first foray into medical help was through a GP.  They don't really have the proper training to help someone like me that probably requires a psychiatrist.  I'll do what my therapist ordered and speak with their recommended doctor.  What's the worst that could happen?

Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on May 10, 2014, 07:12:28 PM
Yes I was on antidepressants for 5 months,,,they helped a bit

Thanks for sharing.  It's nice to know they helped some people and can work.  MY experience so far with them has been lackluster, but I haven't tried close to everything, so no point in giving up.    I guess I just have to give in.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 12:49:50 PM
If you don't mind me asking, which medication?  And has it been helping you cope?  I'm in a bad place where I feel like I have no future and really want to quit life, so I'm really considering my options.  I'm transitioning and all, but I have severe social phobia and other issues making it hard for me to get passed my internal drama.  Thanks.

I refused anti-depressants at first, she got me on a loophole.  My ADD meds alone haven't really been enough to overcome the executive dysfunction, so when I brought that up at the end of the session, she prescribed Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant that is also used at times to treat ADD.  So yeah.

It takes about 2 weeks to take effect though, and I've only been taking for 1 week so far.

I always had Anxiety but it became Acute Anxiety when I started to transition which made everything Extremely difficult and has taken me a long time to beat. Went on xanax daily, then quit that and went on anti depressants Escitalopram 5mg which did Help me get my independence back, I stopped worrying if those schoolgirls 5 aisles away in the supermarket were laughing at me or not. If those guys smoking near the front door would stab me on the way out. They really helped me to learn no one really cares as much as I think they did. I was on them for a good few years and they did help but they do have side effects.

I had some weight gain, fatigue, couldnt code programs anymore. My eyes were focusing slower which made driving harder. I have to drive 5-6 hours to get to gender services and was unable to do it alone due to fatigue. So I went off them (the withdrawels are not too bad, especially after kicking xanax) and now I just take Xanax now if I get an acute anxiety attack. (Xanax is near impossible to get a perscription for in Australia now, doctors are no longer allowed to perscribe)

My doc insists that they should not have caused weight gain or fatigue, I have far more energy and less appetite since going off them though.

tl;dr Yes they probably will help but you will have side effects.